Hi Poppets! Happy holidays to you and yours! Once again, as with last year, it’s a tough time for the country, for the economy, for many, many families – mine included, if truth be told. Several of us are having a hard time providing for our own children and partners and parents, let alone anyone else. Yet this time of year is the time most of us think about giving, as well. It’s an ugly Catch 22: we want to give to those in need but we are in need ourselves but we want to give but we can’t give…you get the idea. Maybe you even live the idea. So what to do? I can’t answer that question for you. I can, however (because it’s my column after all), give you a suggestion. This year, it’s all about critical mass.
Instead of traditional gifts, go old school. Find recipes and do some baking. Cookies, fudge, candies…there are so many surprisingly easy recipes out there and available. One of my favorites is actually my mother’s spiced tea recipe, which doesn’t require any more skill than being able to mix powders. Hello! It doesn’t get any easier than that.
Still too expensive? Find three other friends in the same boat. Sadly, I bet that won’t be too hard for most of us. Each of you buy the ingredients for one or two goodies, get together and bake. Hell, somebody splurge for a cheap wine and make a night of it. Once everything has cooled or set, swap out. A dozen chocolate chip cookies is only so interesting. A paper plate or Tupperware of four different sweets will make anyone happy. And your gift recipients never need know you didn’t bake them all!
Great ideas, assuming you have the time or the inclination to bake. Since not everyone goes all Martha Stewart-y this time of year, I do understand these are not good ideas for some. But would I leave you hanging? Of course not. You’re still broke. You still want to give. You still don’t bake. Fine.
Find those three other friends who are in the same situation and figure out how much you each can afford. Five dollars? Ten? No problem. Pool it and choose a charity. Personally, I suggest you give them the cash. They will be able to make your dollars go much further than you can. And remember, you’re not just giving them your five dollars. You’re giving them your group’s twenty dollars. I used to work human services; trust me. Twenty dollars is great. Twenty dollars is a Christmas dinner or a tank of gas or a night in a shelter in the right hands. See? It’s all about critical mass.
Even this year, we can take care of each other. And isn’t that really what this time of year is all about, in the long run? Have a happy holiday, whatever you celebrate. Take care of each other – and accept this as my holiday gift to you (be smart though – if you’re allergic to anything in it, please don’t make it, deal? Deal.)
Susan's Spiced Tea
2 cups Tang
2 scoops instant lemonade (if anybody can still find Wyler's, it's especially good)
1 cup instant, unsweetened tea (caffeinated or decaf, optional)
1 teaspoon ground clove
1 heaping teaspoon cinnamon
Combine all ingredients in a large bowl. Add three heaping teaspoons to a mug. Fill mug with boiling water and stir.
Enjoy and until next month, Poppets, take care of you.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Sunday, November 1, 2009
November 1, 2009
It’s Thanksgiving time, Poppets. Turkey, stuffing, pumpkin pie, all that good stuff. Technically, it’s supposed to be about more than that. You know it. I know it. And yet…sometimes it can be hard to find things to give thanks for. The politics around the origins of this holiday are iffy at best. Neither the time it celebrates – the first feast with the indigenous peoples who helped us survive before we wiped them out – nor the time it was inaugurated – the 1950s and those glory years in our country’s history – are particularly worth our pride or our thanks, let’s be honest here.
Currently, our community is under heavy fire from the conservative Christian right wing and it often feels that for every step forward we take, we get shoved two backwards. What the hell is there to be thankful for?
Recently, I was having a conversation with a friend of mine and expressing my sadness and disgust over the rising tide of conservatism that is sweeping the nation in the name of Christianity. Now, as my Betty Pages readers know, I’m not Christian but I was raised Christian by extremely liberal Christians. I’ve read the Bible. I know my theology. And you know what? The hate that is being preached doesn’t line up with what I was taught in Sunday school.
As I was expressing my sadness and disgust, my friend reminded me that the Evangelical Lutheran Church of America (ELCA) recently voted to allow LGBT pastors to be open and in relationships. Along with that, she pointed me to a man named Lee Miller. He is a young pastor in the Lutheran church. Apparently, Pastor Miller reads the same Bible I used to. In other words, Lee Miller gets it – and he is willing to stand up and preach it.
This past summer, at the convention where this debate and the final vote was taking place, he stood in his collar and spoke out in support of LGBT pastors. He spoke of God’s love. He spoke of God’s acceptance of everyone. My favorite quote was that he “is not saved because (he’s) heterosexual but because of God’s love.” He could’ve stayed quiet and simply cast his vote. He could’ve paid lip service to that which was safe and then cast his conscious. He didn’t. The cynic in me had to know why, so I asked. Here’s what he told me:
When I was a teenager I met a friend at a national church gathering. People thought we were twins; we were instant, fast, friends. K.C. knew his Bible better than I did. When I was depressed over school, or a break up, or life; he would send a letter including a verse from scripture to encourage me.
K.C. came to know himself as being gay. He wrestled with the Bible that he knew so well, and the church who he loved so much. In his sophomore year of college K.C. took his own life. He could never reconcile his faith with his sexuality.
K.C. had the gifts for ministry. Many of my gay colleagues have
excellent gifts for ministry. I can't allow another person to take their own life (or live in an indoctrinated state of shame) because of the way God has created them; and the way the institution has treated them.
I wanted to stand up for K.C. I had to tell his story.
And you know what else? He’s had a hard time since. People have actually called him a false prophet and the antichrist. The Antichrist. He’s “saddened” by this. Which automatically makes him a better person than I am because I’m just pissed off about it. He’s also not backing down. And he’s not backing down because he believes ~ and wants us to know ~ That Christians are not carried by one voice. That there are Christians (for me, especially the Lutherans) who will speak a word of God's Grace (love) for all people regardless of who they are, where they come from, where they have been, and where they are going. I believe all people are created in the image of God; and what God wants for us in community is loving, caring, faithful relationships. I want the LGBT (and the straight) community to know salvation does not come through sexuality, it comes through God, who chooses all of us - to give us life - and God has a place for Everyone at the table.
So…talk to me about Thanksgiving again. Ask me what I’m giving thanks for this year. I have an answer. This particular Pagan is giving thanks for an ass-kicking, conscience-speaking Lutheran pastor, Lee Miller, who reminds me that not every voice that speaks, speaks against me, my husband, my friends and family. Who reminds me that while the country and Christianity may be becoming more conservative, there are indeed still people standing with us. Who reminds me I don’t always have to be the cynic. And that’s worth being thankful for.
Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.
Currently, our community is under heavy fire from the conservative Christian right wing and it often feels that for every step forward we take, we get shoved two backwards. What the hell is there to be thankful for?
Recently, I was having a conversation with a friend of mine and expressing my sadness and disgust over the rising tide of conservatism that is sweeping the nation in the name of Christianity. Now, as my Betty Pages readers know, I’m not Christian but I was raised Christian by extremely liberal Christians. I’ve read the Bible. I know my theology. And you know what? The hate that is being preached doesn’t line up with what I was taught in Sunday school.
As I was expressing my sadness and disgust, my friend reminded me that the Evangelical Lutheran Church of America (ELCA) recently voted to allow LGBT pastors to be open and in relationships. Along with that, she pointed me to a man named Lee Miller. He is a young pastor in the Lutheran church. Apparently, Pastor Miller reads the same Bible I used to. In other words, Lee Miller gets it – and he is willing to stand up and preach it.
This past summer, at the convention where this debate and the final vote was taking place, he stood in his collar and spoke out in support of LGBT pastors. He spoke of God’s love. He spoke of God’s acceptance of everyone. My favorite quote was that he “is not saved because (he’s) heterosexual but because of God’s love.” He could’ve stayed quiet and simply cast his vote. He could’ve paid lip service to that which was safe and then cast his conscious. He didn’t. The cynic in me had to know why, so I asked. Here’s what he told me:
When I was a teenager I met a friend at a national church gathering. People thought we were twins; we were instant, fast, friends. K.C. knew his Bible better than I did. When I was depressed over school, or a break up, or life; he would send a letter including a verse from scripture to encourage me.
K.C. came to know himself as being gay. He wrestled with the Bible that he knew so well, and the church who he loved so much. In his sophomore year of college K.C. took his own life. He could never reconcile his faith with his sexuality.
K.C. had the gifts for ministry. Many of my gay colleagues have
excellent gifts for ministry. I can't allow another person to take their own life (or live in an indoctrinated state of shame) because of the way God has created them; and the way the institution has treated them.
I wanted to stand up for K.C. I had to tell his story.
And you know what else? He’s had a hard time since. People have actually called him a false prophet and the antichrist. The Antichrist. He’s “saddened” by this. Which automatically makes him a better person than I am because I’m just pissed off about it. He’s also not backing down. And he’s not backing down because he believes ~ and wants us to know ~ That Christians are not carried by one voice. That there are Christians (for me, especially the Lutherans) who will speak a word of God's Grace (love) for all people regardless of who they are, where they come from, where they have been, and where they are going. I believe all people are created in the image of God; and what God wants for us in community is loving, caring, faithful relationships. I want the LGBT (and the straight) community to know salvation does not come through sexuality, it comes through God, who chooses all of us - to give us life - and God has a place for Everyone at the table.
So…talk to me about Thanksgiving again. Ask me what I’m giving thanks for this year. I have an answer. This particular Pagan is giving thanks for an ass-kicking, conscience-speaking Lutheran pastor, Lee Miller, who reminds me that not every voice that speaks, speaks against me, my husband, my friends and family. Who reminds me that while the country and Christianity may be becoming more conservative, there are indeed still people standing with us. Who reminds me I don’t always have to be the cynic. And that’s worth being thankful for.
Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
October 2009
Ah, Poppets, it’s Autumn again and you know I love Autumn. As always, there’s so much I could write about. However, this month, I’m going to talk about an issue I have mentioned in passing before, but think it’s time to address it more fully.
October is, as some of you may know or remember, Domestic Violence Awareness Month. And guess what? As much as we want it to be, as much as we want to pretend otherwise, domestic violence isn’t just a straight issue. In fact, according to the National Resource Center on Domestic Violence, “same-sex battering mirrors heterosexual battering both in type and prevalence” {This material was reprinted/adapted from the publication titled Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Trans (LGBT) Communities and Domestic Violence: Information and Resources (2007) by the National Resource Center on Domestic Violence} which translates into 25-33% of all lesbian and gay couples (The NW Network of Bi, Trans, Lesbian and Gay Survivors of Abuse, http://www.nwnetwork.org/).
So…what? Why do you care? Maybe you don’t and maybe I can’t make you.
But maybe you haven’t realized that statistically, you know a victim of domestic violence. Think about it. Statistically, one in every four intimate relationships includes some kind of domestic violence. Domestic violence can be physical, emotional, verbal, and/or sexual. Even between same-sex individuals, it is never a “fair fight” nor is the more “butch” or physically more masculine member of the couple always the batterer. Domestic violence will include fear, shame, and intimidation. And you know someone who is experiencing this right now.
Or maybe you didn’t realize you weren’t the only LGBT victim of domestic violence. You believed the myth that domestic violence just doesn’t occur within our community, so this doesn’t count. Or that because you fight back to defend yourself, it’s not really domestic violence. Or because your partner “only” calls you names, doesn’t hit you, it’s not really domestic violence. Maybe you believed that you aren’t in the “right” group of people to be a victim.
Maybe you weren’t aware. But now you are. If you or someone you care about is in an abusive relationship, you aren’t alone. If you think you or someone you care about might be in an abusive relationship, you aren’t alone. There is help, as close as Seattle. The NW Network of Bi, Trans, Lesbian and Gay Survivors of Abuse is there, ready to listen, ready to believe you. Contact them in whatever way makes you most comfortable here: PO Box 18436, Seattle, WA 98118 or (206)-568-7777 or info@nwnetwork.org. Their office hours are Monday-Friday, 9:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m.
It’s time to be aware, Poppets. This month and the other eleven in the year, too. Enjoy Autumn – I will – just remember to take care of you, and each other.
October is, as some of you may know or remember, Domestic Violence Awareness Month. And guess what? As much as we want it to be, as much as we want to pretend otherwise, domestic violence isn’t just a straight issue. In fact, according to the National Resource Center on Domestic Violence, “same-sex battering mirrors heterosexual battering both in type and prevalence” {This material was reprinted/adapted from the publication titled Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Trans (LGBT) Communities and Domestic Violence: Information and Resources (2007) by the National Resource Center on Domestic Violence} which translates into 25-33% of all lesbian and gay couples (The NW Network of Bi, Trans, Lesbian and Gay Survivors of Abuse, http://www.nwnetwork.org/).
So…what? Why do you care? Maybe you don’t and maybe I can’t make you.
But maybe you haven’t realized that statistically, you know a victim of domestic violence. Think about it. Statistically, one in every four intimate relationships includes some kind of domestic violence. Domestic violence can be physical, emotional, verbal, and/or sexual. Even between same-sex individuals, it is never a “fair fight” nor is the more “butch” or physically more masculine member of the couple always the batterer. Domestic violence will include fear, shame, and intimidation. And you know someone who is experiencing this right now.
Or maybe you didn’t realize you weren’t the only LGBT victim of domestic violence. You believed the myth that domestic violence just doesn’t occur within our community, so this doesn’t count. Or that because you fight back to defend yourself, it’s not really domestic violence. Or because your partner “only” calls you names, doesn’t hit you, it’s not really domestic violence. Maybe you believed that you aren’t in the “right” group of people to be a victim.
Maybe you weren’t aware. But now you are. If you or someone you care about is in an abusive relationship, you aren’t alone. If you think you or someone you care about might be in an abusive relationship, you aren’t alone. There is help, as close as Seattle. The NW Network of Bi, Trans, Lesbian and Gay Survivors of Abuse is there, ready to listen, ready to believe you. Contact them in whatever way makes you most comfortable here: PO Box 18436, Seattle, WA 98118 or (206)-568-7777 or info@nwnetwork.org. Their office hours are Monday-Friday, 9:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m.
It’s time to be aware, Poppets. This month and the other eleven in the year, too. Enjoy Autumn – I will – just remember to take care of you, and each other.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
An Aside
Hi Poppets! This is just between you, my blog readers, and me ~ not an official Betty Pages posting. For the first time ever, I have permanent links now. Check them out here and then monthly (at least) over in my blogroll if you're interested.
First, The Betty Pages are now online, so you can read everything each month, not just my articles here (although I do hope you'll keep stopping by here, just to say hi occasionally).
Second, allow me to introduce you to Kale Naylor, a promising young author in the LGBT erotica field. I'm very excited to watch his career take off and be able to say I followed him from the beginning.
And, finally, look what I have just recently discovered: Romance Writers of America has an LGBT chapter. It's even online so it doesn't matter where you live. As an LGBT-themed writer, it pleases me no end when mainstream organizations such as RWA embrace, promote and advocate for us.
I'm excited about all three and I wanted to share with you. The next regular post will be out in a few more weeks. Until then, Poppets, drop me a line and take care of you.
First, The Betty Pages are now online, so you can read everything each month, not just my articles here (although I do hope you'll keep stopping by here, just to say hi occasionally).
Second, allow me to introduce you to Kale Naylor, a promising young author in the LGBT erotica field. I'm very excited to watch his career take off and be able to say I followed him from the beginning.
And, finally, look what I have just recently discovered: Romance Writers of America has an LGBT chapter. It's even online so it doesn't matter where you live. As an LGBT-themed writer, it pleases me no end when mainstream organizations such as RWA embrace, promote and advocate for us.
I'm excited about all three and I wanted to share with you. The next regular post will be out in a few more weeks. Until then, Poppets, drop me a line and take care of you.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
September 1, 2009
Hi Poppets! Have you enjoyed your summer? As you’ve read, I certainly have. But don’t get me wrong, in the midst of Pride, the beaches of Mexico and looking at very attractive people in bathing suits, I really have been paying attention to what’s happening in the rest of the world.
Apparently, gay marriage has taken a backseat these days to Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. A dear friend of mine is the husband of a closeted soldier. I’ve never had the opportunity to meet my friend’s husband because he has been deployed for so long. God forbid something happen to my friend’s husband, my friend will have to find out through the grapevine. He has no legitimacy. My ex-husband is in the military. We struggled for a long time about going to clubs with our gay friends where they could be comfortable because we had to decide if simply walking into a gay club could be construed as “telling.” Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell needs to be repealed.
It needs to be repealed in the military – and everywhere else, too. What am I talking about? The military may be the only organization that has legislated and turned DADT into legal statute, but it is far from the only place it exists.
As I’ve discussed here before, David was never comfortable coming out at work. Then he ended up with a new company and we expected to be relocating to Mexico, so we put an identifying decal on our car. Now, he’s still in the same industry, we haven't relocated to another country, and he's wary about who might recognize the acronym and know it for what it is. Because, even with this new company, the industry is the same and it’s safer to Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.
A friend of mine is a teacher at a middle school in a very conservative town somewhere south of the Mason-Dixon Line. He and his partner have been together more than ten years. Not only have they never come out as a couple, not only have they never lived together, they cannot even justify relocating so they live in the same town. Their physical safety, let alone their jobs, is a real concern. Might people suspect? Probably. But love, acceptance, employment and safety are all dependent upon Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.
Another friend of mine is a firefighter and an EMT in poster-child-for-LGBT-rights Massachusetts. Only he lives and works in a town small enough that I bet you’ve never even heard of it. Hopefully, by the end of the year, he and his husband will be parents. But it has taken the adoption for my friend to come out, to acknowledge his husband is more than his roommate. And yes, there has been a backlash for daring to speak out when everyone else had been happy with Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.
DADT needs to go away. It needs to go away in the military. I want to meet my friend’s partner. I want my friend to have the rights of any spouse. But DADT needs to go away everywhere else, too. We cannot demand it of the military until we offer it to everyone – and we cannot offer it to everyone until it isn’t legislated against anyone.
Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.
Apparently, gay marriage has taken a backseat these days to Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. A dear friend of mine is the husband of a closeted soldier. I’ve never had the opportunity to meet my friend’s husband because he has been deployed for so long. God forbid something happen to my friend’s husband, my friend will have to find out through the grapevine. He has no legitimacy. My ex-husband is in the military. We struggled for a long time about going to clubs with our gay friends where they could be comfortable because we had to decide if simply walking into a gay club could be construed as “telling.” Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell needs to be repealed.
It needs to be repealed in the military – and everywhere else, too. What am I talking about? The military may be the only organization that has legislated and turned DADT into legal statute, but it is far from the only place it exists.
As I’ve discussed here before, David was never comfortable coming out at work. Then he ended up with a new company and we expected to be relocating to Mexico, so we put an identifying decal on our car. Now, he’s still in the same industry, we haven't relocated to another country, and he's wary about who might recognize the acronym and know it for what it is. Because, even with this new company, the industry is the same and it’s safer to Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.
A friend of mine is a teacher at a middle school in a very conservative town somewhere south of the Mason-Dixon Line. He and his partner have been together more than ten years. Not only have they never come out as a couple, not only have they never lived together, they cannot even justify relocating so they live in the same town. Their physical safety, let alone their jobs, is a real concern. Might people suspect? Probably. But love, acceptance, employment and safety are all dependent upon Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.
Another friend of mine is a firefighter and an EMT in poster-child-for-LGBT-rights Massachusetts. Only he lives and works in a town small enough that I bet you’ve never even heard of it. Hopefully, by the end of the year, he and his husband will be parents. But it has taken the adoption for my friend to come out, to acknowledge his husband is more than his roommate. And yes, there has been a backlash for daring to speak out when everyone else had been happy with Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.
DADT needs to go away. It needs to go away in the military. I want to meet my friend’s partner. I want my friend to have the rights of any spouse. But DADT needs to go away everywhere else, too. We cannot demand it of the military until we offer it to everyone – and we cannot offer it to everyone until it isn’t legislated against anyone.
Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.
Saturday, August 1, 2009
August 1, 2009
I'm intrigued, Poppets, by a trend I've noticed. And perhaps trend is too strong a word because there have been no studies, no polls. Just me observing. But what I've observed is this: men identifying as straight are showing up on (mostly hookup) sites aimed at gay and bi people. You'll be looking, enjoying the scenery and there will be a profile with “straight” as the orientation. Intriguing...
So, my question is why? On the bi sites, are these guys looking for two women who may be fashionably bi? Or who might be looking for a sperm donor? The first, perhaps. The second, not so much probably. There are far more reliable ways to find a sperm donor than hookup sites. Regardless, though, I can at least comprehend why a straight man would hang out at a bi hookup site. There are women there. There are even women who make love to other women there, and if that's not the stereotypical straight guy fantasy, I don't know what is.
What intrigues me more, though, is why hang out at a gay site as openly straight. These men aren't self-identifying as curious or questioning or even mostly straight or closeted (all of which are options on some of the sites). Nope. These are guys just saying flat out “I'm straight. Here's a picture of my penis.” On a gay site.
David and I were talking about this phenomenon the other day and came up with a few ideas. Perhaps society is shifting enough, has gotten to the LGBT tipping point, that it is becoming safer to come out, to explore, to acknowledge. Only these guys are still at the baby steps stage and it's a big enough deal to have a profile up on these sites. Actually identifying as anything other than straight is still going to have to take a little while. Remember, coming out is still a very big deal for a lot of people and people are still losing their jobs, their families, their friends, and yes even their lives for doing so. Here in the United States. In spite of what Perez Hilton would have us believe, it still ain't easy everywhere. So, we are at the shift and it's easier and safer, if still not easy and safe.
Another option David came up with (that's sadly a real possibility and ties into the above paragraph), perhaps some of these are men who are just looking for some gay bashing. Personally, I think this is a stupid thing but men who are looking to gay bash aren't exactly Mensa members, either, so...
Finally, I proffer the suggestion that some of these men really are gay but are having a hard time finding a hookup or are just legitimately players so are presenting as straight. Because if two women together is a stereotypical straight man fantasy, let's be honest, a straight man is a stereotypical gay man's fantasy. So, these guys are, according to this theory, presenting as straight in order to play the role and get the score.
However, the truth of the matter is I have no idea why straight guys would hang out on gay hookup sites. I would like to think it's because we are becoming more comfortable and more accepting of our sexuality as individuals and as society. Wouldn't that be lovely if it was true? But I just don't know. So I'm intrigued and asking you, Poppets, do you have any idea? If you are a self-identifying straight man who has a profile up on a gay site, or a gay man who knows someone, or has met someone under those circumstances (or hell, just want to drop a line and say hi about something unrelated entirely), write me at lifeandtimesofbridget@gmail.com. Otherwise, I'll just keep speculating and being intrigued.
Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.
So, my question is why? On the bi sites, are these guys looking for two women who may be fashionably bi? Or who might be looking for a sperm donor? The first, perhaps. The second, not so much probably. There are far more reliable ways to find a sperm donor than hookup sites. Regardless, though, I can at least comprehend why a straight man would hang out at a bi hookup site. There are women there. There are even women who make love to other women there, and if that's not the stereotypical straight guy fantasy, I don't know what is.
What intrigues me more, though, is why hang out at a gay site as openly straight. These men aren't self-identifying as curious or questioning or even mostly straight or closeted (all of which are options on some of the sites). Nope. These are guys just saying flat out “I'm straight. Here's a picture of my penis.” On a gay site.
David and I were talking about this phenomenon the other day and came up with a few ideas. Perhaps society is shifting enough, has gotten to the LGBT tipping point, that it is becoming safer to come out, to explore, to acknowledge. Only these guys are still at the baby steps stage and it's a big enough deal to have a profile up on these sites. Actually identifying as anything other than straight is still going to have to take a little while. Remember, coming out is still a very big deal for a lot of people and people are still losing their jobs, their families, their friends, and yes even their lives for doing so. Here in the United States. In spite of what Perez Hilton would have us believe, it still ain't easy everywhere. So, we are at the shift and it's easier and safer, if still not easy and safe.
Another option David came up with (that's sadly a real possibility and ties into the above paragraph), perhaps some of these are men who are just looking for some gay bashing. Personally, I think this is a stupid thing but men who are looking to gay bash aren't exactly Mensa members, either, so...
Finally, I proffer the suggestion that some of these men really are gay but are having a hard time finding a hookup or are just legitimately players so are presenting as straight. Because if two women together is a stereotypical straight man fantasy, let's be honest, a straight man is a stereotypical gay man's fantasy. So, these guys are, according to this theory, presenting as straight in order to play the role and get the score.
However, the truth of the matter is I have no idea why straight guys would hang out on gay hookup sites. I would like to think it's because we are becoming more comfortable and more accepting of our sexuality as individuals and as society. Wouldn't that be lovely if it was true? But I just don't know. So I'm intrigued and asking you, Poppets, do you have any idea? If you are a self-identifying straight man who has a profile up on a gay site, or a gay man who knows someone, or has met someone under those circumstances (or hell, just want to drop a line and say hi about something unrelated entirely), write me at lifeandtimesofbridget@gmail.com. Otherwise, I'll just keep speculating and being intrigued.
Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
July 2009
Ooooo, Poppets! I spent most of the month of June in Mexico. This, my friends, did not suck. Because we were there for David's work, we weren't only in the tourist areas, either, but got to see some very local places and meet some very local people. If you've ever been to a tourist trap in any country, you know what I mean.
We also became very good friends with an amazing man and David's Mexican counterpart. He is, obviously, in the same field as David – the one in which, here in the States, David is concerned about coming out – is about the same age, a Major in the Mexican military, and totally straight. He is also one of the most open and accepting people either one of us has ever met. As first they, and then we, traveled the country, our friend saw everything with the astute eye you would expect from a high ranking official in the military. He came to know and understand David as an individual. He came to know and understand us as a couple. Nothing was said about it. There was no need for sideways glances, awkward jokes or discomfort. We were all just who we are.
This is amazing enough but wait! There's more. The entire southern part of the country is like this. Get away from the border areas and the world relaxes. People touch and kiss and are comfortable with each other. No one has to prove anything to anyone. Two women, topless, touching hands under a beach umbrella aren't worth a second look. Two men putting sunblock on each other's backs by the pool could be brothers or lovers, for all the attention they draw from the locals.
Is it a perfect country? Of course not. No where is. And please note, I talk about the Southern states, not the Northern ones, by the US border. There's a reason for this. Is it, however, a friendly country? Oh hell yes. Far more so than I expect or am used to from the US.
So if you're looking to get away any time soon, consider southern Mexico. And may I specifically recommend Playa del Carmen. Sure, it's more touristy than some of the other places I've spent my month of June but, mi Dios, it's gorgeous and as welcoming as anywhere else. Stop by the Blue Mosquito if you get the chance. It'll restore your soul. At least, it's restored mine.
Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.
We also became very good friends with an amazing man and David's Mexican counterpart. He is, obviously, in the same field as David – the one in which, here in the States, David is concerned about coming out – is about the same age, a Major in the Mexican military, and totally straight. He is also one of the most open and accepting people either one of us has ever met. As first they, and then we, traveled the country, our friend saw everything with the astute eye you would expect from a high ranking official in the military. He came to know and understand David as an individual. He came to know and understand us as a couple. Nothing was said about it. There was no need for sideways glances, awkward jokes or discomfort. We were all just who we are.
This is amazing enough but wait! There's more. The entire southern part of the country is like this. Get away from the border areas and the world relaxes. People touch and kiss and are comfortable with each other. No one has to prove anything to anyone. Two women, topless, touching hands under a beach umbrella aren't worth a second look. Two men putting sunblock on each other's backs by the pool could be brothers or lovers, for all the attention they draw from the locals.
Is it a perfect country? Of course not. No where is. And please note, I talk about the Southern states, not the Northern ones, by the US border. There's a reason for this. Is it, however, a friendly country? Oh hell yes. Far more so than I expect or am used to from the US.
So if you're looking to get away any time soon, consider southern Mexico. And may I specifically recommend Playa del Carmen. Sure, it's more touristy than some of the other places I've spent my month of June but, mi Dios, it's gorgeous and as welcoming as anywhere else. Stop by the Blue Mosquito if you get the chance. It'll restore your soul. At least, it's restored mine.
Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.
Monday, June 1, 2009
June 1, 2009
Happy Pride, Poppets! It’s that time of year again and what a year it is going to be. If you are like my friend, Robin, for whom Pride is more important than Thanksgiving and Christmas combined, like my dear David, whose schedule has never allowed him to attend a single Pride event, or somewhere in between, this is a special time for us and our community. As residents of the Bellingham area, we are practically ground zero for some amazing events, too, so grab your calendars and let’s talk events!
Portland has the first Pride in the area. The festival runs Saturday, June 13th and Sunday, June 14th, at Tom McCall Waterfront Park. Saturday the hours are noon to 11:00 pm; Sunday is noon to 6:00 pm. The Parade itself starts Sunday at 11:00 a.m. More information can be found at: www.pridenw.org
Seattle, closer and probably easier to access, comes next, the weekend of June 26th through 28th. Start the weekend with PrideFeast Friday the 26th. Parts of the proceeds from many restaurants will go to nonprofits that aid and assist the LGBT community. Check www.pridefeast.org soon for a list of participating restaurants. On Saturday, head over to the Volunteer Park Amphitheater by 2:00 for Celebrate Stonewall. It’s the 40th anniversary of Stonewall. Let’s give respect, folks. Then finally Sunday, the Parade starts at 11:00 am. Main stage performances run from 1:00 pm to 6:00 pm with music from the DJ stage from 11:00 am to 7:00 pm. More information can be found at: www.seattlepridefest.org
Beautiful Bellingham ~ and Betty Desire herself ~ bring Pride home July 10th, 11th, and 12th at Market Place. The Parade itself is on the 12th, starting at noon, with events lasting throughout the day. Be sure to stop by and give Betty the props she deserves!
Finally, we are close enough to help our friends to the north celebrate Pride in Vancouver, B.C. Cross the border for Pride Weekend Launch on July 31st at the Vancouver Arts Gallery. That night, stop by Davie Street, between Bukrhard and Bute at 7:00 pm for the Davie Street Pride Party. August 1st, assuming you haven’t overdone it the night before, Davie Street is again the place to be for the Terry Wallace Breakfast. At 11:00 am, the Sunset Beach Festival begins right on Sunset Beach. Get there early or show up after the Parade, which starts at noon on Robson and Thurlow Streets, in downtown Vancouver. More information can be found at: http://www.vancouverpride.ca
And because I’m me, I have to tell you…if you just happen to find yourself (or want to find yourself) in Boston the week of June 5-14, you’re in for a treat. From the flag raising at noon on June 5 running through the block parties on the 14th, the whole city is about us. More information can be found at: www.bostonpride.org or by emailing me at lifeandtimesofbridget@gmail.com
So there you have it, Poppets – lots of Pride events for those of us who have lots of Pride. Have fun. Enjoy yourselves. Remember the world is watching. Have Pride. And until next month, take care of you.
Portland has the first Pride in the area. The festival runs Saturday, June 13th and Sunday, June 14th, at Tom McCall Waterfront Park. Saturday the hours are noon to 11:00 pm; Sunday is noon to 6:00 pm. The Parade itself starts Sunday at 11:00 a.m. More information can be found at: www.pridenw.org
Seattle, closer and probably easier to access, comes next, the weekend of June 26th through 28th. Start the weekend with PrideFeast Friday the 26th. Parts of the proceeds from many restaurants will go to nonprofits that aid and assist the LGBT community. Check www.pridefeast.org soon for a list of participating restaurants. On Saturday, head over to the Volunteer Park Amphitheater by 2:00 for Celebrate Stonewall. It’s the 40th anniversary of Stonewall. Let’s give respect, folks. Then finally Sunday, the Parade starts at 11:00 am. Main stage performances run from 1:00 pm to 6:00 pm with music from the DJ stage from 11:00 am to 7:00 pm. More information can be found at: www.seattlepridefest.org
Beautiful Bellingham ~ and Betty Desire herself ~ bring Pride home July 10th, 11th, and 12th at Market Place. The Parade itself is on the 12th, starting at noon, with events lasting throughout the day. Be sure to stop by and give Betty the props she deserves!
Finally, we are close enough to help our friends to the north celebrate Pride in Vancouver, B.C. Cross the border for Pride Weekend Launch on July 31st at the Vancouver Arts Gallery. That night, stop by Davie Street, between Bukrhard and Bute at 7:00 pm for the Davie Street Pride Party. August 1st, assuming you haven’t overdone it the night before, Davie Street is again the place to be for the Terry Wallace Breakfast. At 11:00 am, the Sunset Beach Festival begins right on Sunset Beach. Get there early or show up after the Parade, which starts at noon on Robson and Thurlow Streets, in downtown Vancouver. More information can be found at: http://www.vancouverpride.ca
And because I’m me, I have to tell you…if you just happen to find yourself (or want to find yourself) in Boston the week of June 5-14, you’re in for a treat. From the flag raising at noon on June 5 running through the block parties on the 14th, the whole city is about us. More information can be found at: www.bostonpride.org or by emailing me at lifeandtimesofbridget@gmail.com
So there you have it, Poppets – lots of Pride events for those of us who have lots of Pride. Have fun. Enjoy yourselves. Remember the world is watching. Have Pride. And until next month, take care of you.
Friday, May 1, 2009
May 1, 2009
Hi Poppets! Once again, your intrepid columnist (that’s me) has so many things she could write about. There’s a lot going on right now. I’m keeping an eye on the fact that the Washington legislature has sent a bill that would include transgendered peoples in the hate crime laws to Gov. Gregoire to be signed (don’t betray my vote, Governor, please!) The fact that Alberta, Canada is looking at delisting gender reassignment surgery (for those of you who don’t know – and I had to look it up so don’t feel bad – it means the cost of the surgery would no longer be covered by the state). Plus, I’m listening to/reading/aware of a brouhaha that’s, well, brewing online and in the blogosphere right now about what it means to be an ally, who gets to define an ally, and what is expected when a person chooses to stand with a group or community. Not to mention the major rally that’s taking place in Philadelphia at the beginning of this month and all the other events that will be occurring as summer moves on. Seriously, what’s a girl to do?
In this case, I’m running home to Mama. See, when I was originally invited to write for the Pages, I was asked to write about what was going on back east. To talk about some of the things that aren’t just in the Bellingham/Vancouver B.C./Seattle area. Then I went and moved to the area which kind of screwed the pooch there. However! This month, it’s a return to writing about some things that aren’t necessarily happening in our backyard. In fact, they aren’t happening in anyone’s backyard. Cyberspace, anyone?
As a reader and an activist, I like to keep up with what’s going on in the world and have found the best place to do that is online. That’s where I can get a reality check about what people are really feeling and thinking. As a writer, supporting other writers is important to me, especially ones who aren’t linked into larger parent companies but are just out there, on their own, plugging away. Let me introduce you to three of my favorite writers, currently telling it like it is in cyberspace:
In this case, I’m running home to Mama. See, when I was originally invited to write for the Pages, I was asked to write about what was going on back east. To talk about some of the things that aren’t just in the Bellingham/Vancouver B.C./Seattle area. Then I went and moved to the area which kind of screwed the pooch there. However! This month, it’s a return to writing about some things that aren’t necessarily happening in our backyard. In fact, they aren’t happening in anyone’s backyard. Cyberspace, anyone?
As a reader and an activist, I like to keep up with what’s going on in the world and have found the best place to do that is online. That’s where I can get a reality check about what people are really feeling and thinking. As a writer, supporting other writers is important to me, especially ones who aren’t linked into larger parent companies but are just out there, on their own, plugging away. Let me introduce you to three of my favorite writers, currently telling it like it is in cyberspace:
- Neo-Prodigy at http://neo-prodigy.livejournal.com/ He is a gay black man living in the American south. He speaks with honesty, humor, and no small amount determination. No one gets a pass. Everyone gets a chance. Feel free to disagree with him but bring your A-game if you do. Mudslinging and blind agreement are both discouraged here but good faith dialogue is welcome. And you’ll want to engage. He’ll make you think; he’ll challenge you; he’ll make you feel; he’ll make you laugh. Seriously, what more could you ask for from a blogger?
- Monica Roberts at http://transgriot.blogspot.com/ A black woman who transitioned in 1994, she addresses the hypocrisies and successes of both the straight and the LGBT communities, politics, women’s issues, gender politics, and anything else she wants to, with a clear-sightedness most of us only hope to achieve. She’s also got one of the most comprehensive blogrolls for the transgendered community I’ve ever seen. Well spoken and thoughtful, she’s a must read for anyone who cares about…well, anything. While she’s not exactly alone out there, and is the best known of these bloggers, too many people still don’t know about her. So, here she is.
- Then there’s D over at http://gaysoldiershusband.blogspot.com/ His blog title says it best and is pretty self-explanatory, don’t you think? Remember my comments a couple months ago about how same-sex marriage isn’t the only issue facing the LGBT community and shouldn’t be the only one we rally around? Well, here’s a person to put with another one of those issues: Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. This isn’t always a happy blog but you know what? It shouldn’t be.
So there you are, Poppets. Three of my favorite bloggers. Not my favorite LGBT bloggers; just three of my favorite bloggers. Who happen to be LGBT bloggers. I hope you enjoy them as well. Please, no trolling. No blazing. Disagree if you do, but don’t disrespect. Represent Betty Pages readers well. I have faith in you. And don’t be surprised if you hear more about the issues I mentioned earlier. Somehow, I don’t think you will be.
Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
April 1, 2009
Ooo Poppets! It’s Spring! Now, I love all four of the seasons. I go a little crazy over a cold, snowy Christmas or a blazing hot Fourth of July. But I’m a real sucker for the transitional seasons – Autumn and yes, Spring.
Now, there are tons of reasons to love Spring. Warmer weather. Flowers blooming. And the return of Famers’ Markets. How can you not love a Farmers’ Market? Absolutely fresh vegetables and fruits; herbs; breads; cheeses; flowers…yeah, a Farmers’ Market is a good thing. Then there are the craft fairs (better known as swap meets, here on the West coast, as I am learning). Artists of just about any ilk, selling beautiful and unique goods, at prices you never see at a mall.
And we’re so incredibly lucky here in Washington because we have some great Farmers’ Markets and craft fairs. I know of about a dozen of them and I’ve only been here about a minute and a half. What makes you lucky is you live in Bellingham, surrounded by at least six different Markets.
The downtown Bellingham Farmers’ Market (www.bellinghamfarmers.org) opens April 4th this year and runs Saturdays through into December, 10:00 a.m. to 3:00 p.m. A combination of farmers’ market and swap meet, you can find fresh produce and wonderful gifts for that someone special (yourself, perhaps?) all season long. In other words, it’s perfect for remembering your mom at Mother’s Day and at Christmas. On June 3rd, the Fairhaven Village Green Bellingham Market opens. Hit the downtown version on Saturdays, then run over to this one Wednesday afternoons, noon to 5:00 p.m. for mid-week replacements of fruits and veggies. It’s close; it’s convenient. Who could ask for more?
But if you are looking for a bit of a roadtrip, you’re still in luck. Working chronologically:
Now, there are tons of reasons to love Spring. Warmer weather. Flowers blooming. And the return of Famers’ Markets. How can you not love a Farmers’ Market? Absolutely fresh vegetables and fruits; herbs; breads; cheeses; flowers…yeah, a Farmers’ Market is a good thing. Then there are the craft fairs (better known as swap meets, here on the West coast, as I am learning). Artists of just about any ilk, selling beautiful and unique goods, at prices you never see at a mall.
And we’re so incredibly lucky here in Washington because we have some great Farmers’ Markets and craft fairs. I know of about a dozen of them and I’ve only been here about a minute and a half. What makes you lucky is you live in Bellingham, surrounded by at least six different Markets.
The downtown Bellingham Farmers’ Market (www.bellinghamfarmers.org) opens April 4th this year and runs Saturdays through into December, 10:00 a.m. to 3:00 p.m. A combination of farmers’ market and swap meet, you can find fresh produce and wonderful gifts for that someone special (yourself, perhaps?) all season long. In other words, it’s perfect for remembering your mom at Mother’s Day and at Christmas. On June 3rd, the Fairhaven Village Green Bellingham Market opens. Hit the downtown version on Saturdays, then run over to this one Wednesday afternoons, noon to 5:00 p.m. for mid-week replacements of fruits and veggies. It’s close; it’s convenient. Who could ask for more?
But if you are looking for a bit of a roadtrip, you’re still in luck. Working chronologically:
- May 16th is the start of the Anacortes Farmers’ Market (www.mountvernonfarmersmarket.org). Running Saturdays through October 10th, from 9:00 a.m. until 2:00 p.m., it’s perfect for early risers (because I’ve heard they do exist; I’m just never awake in time to catch a glimpse of them). While there are farms represented and produce available here, this market leans heavily towards crafts – really lovely crafts.
- May 27th, take a drive down to Sedro Woolley some Wednesday after work. You have from 3:00 p.m. to 7:00 p.m. to catch the Sedro Woolley Farmers’ Market (http://www.sedrowoolleyfarmersmarket.com). When my husband and I first started dating, he lived in Sedro, so we hit this market often. It’s smaller but still delightful. We bought a pint of strawberries “to take home.” Um…yeah. We had to buy another pint on the way to the car because the first pint was gone before we’d gotten to the next vendor stall. Trust me; try the strawberries. Once strawberry season is over, you still have until October 14th to enjoy the crafts and other produce seasons.
- May 30th brings the Saturday Mount Vernon Famers’ Market (http://www.mountvernonfarmersmarket.org). Also opening at 9:00 a.m. (seriously, who’s up at this hour?) it makes for a closer drive if you don’t want to be up quite that early. Running until 1:00 p.m., even those of us who lag a bit on Saturdays can still get there. Some of us may even decide it’s worth an earlier trip, at least once between May 30th and October 17th when the market closes for the season.
- June 10th, though, starts the Wednesday Mount Vernon Farmers’ Market, for those of you who are thinking “No way in hell, Bridget, am I getting to Mount Vernon by one o’clock on a Saturday.” Believe me, I do understand. Which is why I have always been grateful for the Wednesday market. Wednesdays, you have between 2:00 p.m. and 5:00 p.m. to enjoy all the goodies available at the Mount Vernon Famers’ Market. Both Saturday and Wednesday offer a pretty even mix of produce, fresh foods and crafts. Definitely worth a trip.
And these are just the ones right here in the Bellingham area. Don’t forget Seattle and Portland and everywhere in between. After the rain and the unprecedented snows this winter, treat yourself. Spring is here. It’s one of the best seasons to live in Washington. And Farmers’ Markets are part of the reason why.
Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
A Quick Explanation
Hi Poppets! You will notice I am posting two articles this month. This is part of why we love the Betty Pages. Let me explain...
I got up on my soapbox originally. I wrote a long, hard (okay, medium-ish) hitting article for the Pages. Then I remembered ~ they had hired me, all those months ago, to be a here's-what's-happening-in-Boston-and-on-the-east-coast columnist. More a Bridget About Town kind of article instead of anything serious. They have been infinitely patient with my forays into the political. So, even though the first article was really the one I wanted in March's Betty Pages, I wrote a second one, just in case, and sent them both off with an explanation and permission to print either one. They asked if they could print both, the lighter piece toward the front of the paper and the heavier one toward the back.
Of course, I said yes. With huge props to Betty and the rest, for being willing to push it a bit. The first article is the lighter one and the second is the "real" one.
Enjoy ~ and take care of you.
I got up on my soapbox originally. I wrote a long, hard (okay, medium-ish) hitting article for the Pages. Then I remembered ~ they had hired me, all those months ago, to be a here's-what's-happening-in-Boston-and-on-the-east-coast columnist. More a Bridget About Town kind of article instead of anything serious. They have been infinitely patient with my forays into the political. So, even though the first article was really the one I wanted in March's Betty Pages, I wrote a second one, just in case, and sent them both off with an explanation and permission to print either one. They asked if they could print both, the lighter piece toward the front of the paper and the heavier one toward the back.
Of course, I said yes. With huge props to Betty and the rest, for being willing to push it a bit. The first article is the lighter one and the second is the "real" one.
Enjoy ~ and take care of you.
March 2009, article 2
Hi Poppets! Remember last month I mentioned I had been angry recently? My nephew helped with that. Well, this month, I have two stories that have helped some more. Personally, friends of mine have just recently become dads! In the news, Hillary and Julie Goodridge, a couple who were at the forefront of the gay marriage issue in Massachusetts, are divorcing.
Why my friends are adopting gives me faith is obvious. If two people were ever going to make good parents, it’s Rob and Ken. They are intelligent, articulate, sensitive, loving and in love men. They are beautifully balanced, with Rob being heart-based and Ken being head-based. Hell, I wouldn’t mind if they adopted me.
Their story is the (sadly) typical one. The first adoption agency they worked with assured them their orientation wouldn’t be a problem. They met a little boy and all three fell in love – and then the agency “reevaluated” their application and decided that a little boy shouldn’t be raised by them, after all. Needless to say, hearts were broken.
At first, my friends thought they could just switch agencies and find another kid. They switched agencies – but they didn’t just find another kid. When the parent-child bond forms, however it forms, it can’t just be transferred from one child to another. Ask any biological parent, stepparent or adoptive parent. Parents are parents when it comes to loving this specific child. They put their application on hold and took time to grieve the loss of their son. Honestly, I wasn’t sure if they would ever continue the process.
Luckily for their son, they grieved, they healed and they decided they did indeed still want to be parents. They met their son at an adoption open house. As Rob put it, they cornered him and practically wouldn’t let any other couples near him. Last month, it became official. Rob, Ken and their son are legally, as well as emotionally, a family.
Why the Goodridges’ divorce gives me faith isn’t nearly as obvious. Why should the end of a marriage give anyone faith? Isn’t that the sort of thing that actually destroys faith? Well, not necessarily. The whole point of same-sex marriage is that LGBT couples are the same as straight couples. They have the same wants, needs, desires as straight couples and should have the same rights as straight couples. All the same rights, including the right to normalcy, to make mistakes, to realize the marriage isn’t working and to divorce. No healthy straight couple marries with the expectation of divorce. Having watched the Goodridges for the entire time they’ve been public figures, I get the feeling these were healthy women in a healthy relationship. There was never the feeling they wanted to marry just for the publicity, for show, or to be role models. I never felt as if they were marrying just for the good of the community because someone had to do it. Their relationship always struck me as honest, healthy…normal.
And now, just as so many straight couples before them (myself included), these honest, healthy, normal women have realized their marriage needs to be over. I don’t know why they’re divorcing. No one but they know why they’re divorcing and I’m not going to speculate here. The fact is they are. As with any divorce, it’s a sad thing. No one likes to see a marriage break up. Yet, the point is, it’s normal. It’s ordinary. Just like every other divorce ever.
Slowly but surely, the system is beginning to work. I know we still have so far to come. I’m not Pollyanna about it. Far from it. And yet… We’re becoming parents. We’re divorcing. We’re living our lives in normal, ordinary ways, even when normal isn’t only the good stuff. If that’s not what we’re working for, I don’t know what is. And that gives me faith.
Until next month, Poppets, remember I can be reached at lifeandtimesofbridget@gmail.com and take care of you.
Why my friends are adopting gives me faith is obvious. If two people were ever going to make good parents, it’s Rob and Ken. They are intelligent, articulate, sensitive, loving and in love men. They are beautifully balanced, with Rob being heart-based and Ken being head-based. Hell, I wouldn’t mind if they adopted me.
Their story is the (sadly) typical one. The first adoption agency they worked with assured them their orientation wouldn’t be a problem. They met a little boy and all three fell in love – and then the agency “reevaluated” their application and decided that a little boy shouldn’t be raised by them, after all. Needless to say, hearts were broken.
At first, my friends thought they could just switch agencies and find another kid. They switched agencies – but they didn’t just find another kid. When the parent-child bond forms, however it forms, it can’t just be transferred from one child to another. Ask any biological parent, stepparent or adoptive parent. Parents are parents when it comes to loving this specific child. They put their application on hold and took time to grieve the loss of their son. Honestly, I wasn’t sure if they would ever continue the process.
Luckily for their son, they grieved, they healed and they decided they did indeed still want to be parents. They met their son at an adoption open house. As Rob put it, they cornered him and practically wouldn’t let any other couples near him. Last month, it became official. Rob, Ken and their son are legally, as well as emotionally, a family.
Why the Goodridges’ divorce gives me faith isn’t nearly as obvious. Why should the end of a marriage give anyone faith? Isn’t that the sort of thing that actually destroys faith? Well, not necessarily. The whole point of same-sex marriage is that LGBT couples are the same as straight couples. They have the same wants, needs, desires as straight couples and should have the same rights as straight couples. All the same rights, including the right to normalcy, to make mistakes, to realize the marriage isn’t working and to divorce. No healthy straight couple marries with the expectation of divorce. Having watched the Goodridges for the entire time they’ve been public figures, I get the feeling these were healthy women in a healthy relationship. There was never the feeling they wanted to marry just for the publicity, for show, or to be role models. I never felt as if they were marrying just for the good of the community because someone had to do it. Their relationship always struck me as honest, healthy…normal.
And now, just as so many straight couples before them (myself included), these honest, healthy, normal women have realized their marriage needs to be over. I don’t know why they’re divorcing. No one but they know why they’re divorcing and I’m not going to speculate here. The fact is they are. As with any divorce, it’s a sad thing. No one likes to see a marriage break up. Yet, the point is, it’s normal. It’s ordinary. Just like every other divorce ever.
Slowly but surely, the system is beginning to work. I know we still have so far to come. I’m not Pollyanna about it. Far from it. And yet… We’re becoming parents. We’re divorcing. We’re living our lives in normal, ordinary ways, even when normal isn’t only the good stuff. If that’s not what we’re working for, I don’t know what is. And that gives me faith.
Until next month, Poppets, remember I can be reached at lifeandtimesofbridget@gmail.com and take care of you.
March 2009, article 1
Hi Poppets. Last month, I mentioned that I had been angry for a while. This month – okay, I’m still angry, who am I trying to kid – but I’ve also been mellowed a bit by a major professional success and a wedding. Yep, David and I did it; we got married. And yes, before you ask, we did indeed follow my own suggestions. We used a florist and baker who support the LGBT community; our officiant has performed commitment ceremonies before; and believe me, the function site is hugely LGBT supportive. We got married in our living room.
Being a new bride gave me some interesting perspectives on things. I have health insurance. We can pay taxes jointly. Both David and I have a societal recognition that we didn’t have, even as committed-sharing-lives partners, before the 22nd of February. I understand why marriage is such a huge issue within the community.
And I recognize my privilege. I am a straight woman marrying a man. I haven’t gone through the struggles to accept this side of myself, the way David has. Every state in the nation recognizes that we are legally and lawfully wed. Whatever that intangible is that comes with “marriage” over “domestic partnership” (if it should exist or not, which is a whole different column), exists for us. We aren’t partnered. We aren’t committed. We are married. Huge numbers of people are denied this very basic right and these very special intangibles. I get why marriage is important.
However, being a newlywed has also given me another interesting perspective. It is not the be-all, end-all. It is far from the only important issue within the community. David still can’t come out at work without fear of repercussion. The best situation would be some pilots and crew refusing to fly/work with him. The worst would be losing his job. They’d find a “legitimate” reason to fire him – and it would still come within weeks of his coming out. Already people are treating him differently, being warmer and friendlier since “those rumors weren’t true.”
His son started a new school not long ago. The first week, a young man that some of the kids suspected of being gay was beaten up in the lunchroom. In front of everyone, very publicly. The police were called; the school suspended the kids who did the beating. But you can believe the message was received by the student body.
A friend of mine, an incredibly talented author, has recently been asked for a complete list of his published works by the college where he teaches. It should’ve been something we celebrated. Instead, several of us spent a while thinking about and discussing if he could/should submit his gay erotica, as well as his straight fantasy. In the end, he decided not to because it was too risky.
Nationally, we had a major American corporation, McDonald’s, come out in support of us. No flash, nothing huge, no great publicity, nothing really in it for them. Just quietly, strongly, peacefully say that we as a community and as individual human beings are worthy. We let them take the hit in their books. In essence, we said we didn’t care enough for them to stand with them, while they were standing with us. No wonder they’ve backed down to pressure from the other side.
I’ve heard several people say or write “gay is the new black.” Really? First, let’s set aside the fact that most people in the LGBT community can pass when necessary, can stay closeted when it’s not safe – a gift that the vast majority of black people do not have. Let’s just look at the claim: Gay is the New Black.
Black Americans faced dogs, beatings, hoses, imprisonment and death in order to vote, in order to be safe in their workplaces, their schools, their very homes. In order to be allowed to work. Be allowed to walk and sit and live and stay wherever they chose. In order to be recognized as human beings. And yes, in order to marry whomever they loved. Still, these other tangible rights were far more important than the intangibles that come with being married. They understood this and were willing to stand together, support those who supported them, go to jail and, in more cases than is comfortable to admit, die for the right to be seen as complete and whole human beings.
Yet within the LGBT community, the one issue that has transformed us, that has rallied us, consistently and beyond the latest news cycle, is same sex marriage. When a child is killed for being gay or transgendered, we rage and protest and write our senators…until the furor dies down. We become members of the Human Rights Campaign and send in our checks and shake our heads. But we don’t even buy our coffees from McDonalds, let alone rise up as one when children get beaten, rather than killed, in their schools. We do not demand that our media outlets report it. We do not march on D.C. or Seattle or Atlanta demanding that we be safe from discrimination, in any of its ugly forms. Instead, we rally over…same sex marriage. But Gay is the New Black. No. It’s not. Not when the only thing that lights a fire under our collective butts for any length of time is marriage, and we sit silent otherwise.
Don’t get me wrong, Poppets. I do understand why marriage is important. I’m a privileged newlywed. Marriage, the tangible rights, and intangible emotions that come with it are important. They just aren’t, and shouldn’t be, the most important. Not while we’re still being denied jobs and homes and safety and lives.
And to anyone who would say this column is just subconscious community loathing, I would say, just the opposite. It’s my love of and respect for this community that makes me so angry when I see our short-sighted, narrow goals. We can be better than this. We are better than this. We must be better than this.
Until next month, Poppets, remember I can be reached at lifeandtimesofbridget@gmail.com and take care of you.
Being a new bride gave me some interesting perspectives on things. I have health insurance. We can pay taxes jointly. Both David and I have a societal recognition that we didn’t have, even as committed-sharing-lives partners, before the 22nd of February. I understand why marriage is such a huge issue within the community.
And I recognize my privilege. I am a straight woman marrying a man. I haven’t gone through the struggles to accept this side of myself, the way David has. Every state in the nation recognizes that we are legally and lawfully wed. Whatever that intangible is that comes with “marriage” over “domestic partnership” (if it should exist or not, which is a whole different column), exists for us. We aren’t partnered. We aren’t committed. We are married. Huge numbers of people are denied this very basic right and these very special intangibles. I get why marriage is important.
However, being a newlywed has also given me another interesting perspective. It is not the be-all, end-all. It is far from the only important issue within the community. David still can’t come out at work without fear of repercussion. The best situation would be some pilots and crew refusing to fly/work with him. The worst would be losing his job. They’d find a “legitimate” reason to fire him – and it would still come within weeks of his coming out. Already people are treating him differently, being warmer and friendlier since “those rumors weren’t true.”
His son started a new school not long ago. The first week, a young man that some of the kids suspected of being gay was beaten up in the lunchroom. In front of everyone, very publicly. The police were called; the school suspended the kids who did the beating. But you can believe the message was received by the student body.
A friend of mine, an incredibly talented author, has recently been asked for a complete list of his published works by the college where he teaches. It should’ve been something we celebrated. Instead, several of us spent a while thinking about and discussing if he could/should submit his gay erotica, as well as his straight fantasy. In the end, he decided not to because it was too risky.
Nationally, we had a major American corporation, McDonald’s, come out in support of us. No flash, nothing huge, no great publicity, nothing really in it for them. Just quietly, strongly, peacefully say that we as a community and as individual human beings are worthy. We let them take the hit in their books. In essence, we said we didn’t care enough for them to stand with them, while they were standing with us. No wonder they’ve backed down to pressure from the other side.
I’ve heard several people say or write “gay is the new black.” Really? First, let’s set aside the fact that most people in the LGBT community can pass when necessary, can stay closeted when it’s not safe – a gift that the vast majority of black people do not have. Let’s just look at the claim: Gay is the New Black.
Black Americans faced dogs, beatings, hoses, imprisonment and death in order to vote, in order to be safe in their workplaces, their schools, their very homes. In order to be allowed to work. Be allowed to walk and sit and live and stay wherever they chose. In order to be recognized as human beings. And yes, in order to marry whomever they loved. Still, these other tangible rights were far more important than the intangibles that come with being married. They understood this and were willing to stand together, support those who supported them, go to jail and, in more cases than is comfortable to admit, die for the right to be seen as complete and whole human beings.
Yet within the LGBT community, the one issue that has transformed us, that has rallied us, consistently and beyond the latest news cycle, is same sex marriage. When a child is killed for being gay or transgendered, we rage and protest and write our senators…until the furor dies down. We become members of the Human Rights Campaign and send in our checks and shake our heads. But we don’t even buy our coffees from McDonalds, let alone rise up as one when children get beaten, rather than killed, in their schools. We do not demand that our media outlets report it. We do not march on D.C. or Seattle or Atlanta demanding that we be safe from discrimination, in any of its ugly forms. Instead, we rally over…same sex marriage. But Gay is the New Black. No. It’s not. Not when the only thing that lights a fire under our collective butts for any length of time is marriage, and we sit silent otherwise.
Don’t get me wrong, Poppets. I do understand why marriage is important. I’m a privileged newlywed. Marriage, the tangible rights, and intangible emotions that come with it are important. They just aren’t, and shouldn’t be, the most important. Not while we’re still being denied jobs and homes and safety and lives.
And to anyone who would say this column is just subconscious community loathing, I would say, just the opposite. It’s my love of and respect for this community that makes me so angry when I see our short-sighted, narrow goals. We can be better than this. We are better than this. We must be better than this.
Until next month, Poppets, remember I can be reached at lifeandtimesofbridget@gmail.com and take care of you.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
February 2009
You want to know a secret, Poppets? I’ve been angry the past several months. I’ve been trying not to turn into a screaming mee-mee or a raving lunatic – but I’ve been angry, nonetheless. I’ve been angry at the AFA for calling a boycott on McDonald’s for supporting us as a community. I’ve been angry at us as a community for seemingly not caring enough about anything but marriage enough to counter the boycott. I’ve been angry at the people who voted to take our right to marry. I’ve been angry at the racism and bigotry that showed up within our community in response to that vote. Honestly, I’ve been close to giving up. Giving up hope. Giving up faith. Giving up trust.
As to your comparison of someone acting upon feelings for another of the same gender, to someone committing murder, I find it offensive. While I understand the desire to stick with one theme in a metaphor, I believe that was a step too far. Implying that under the logic that homosexuality is right because it feels right, that murder must be right as well if it in turn feels right is flawed. … As to the 'choice' of being homosexual, I'm afraid I don't have leeway in this particular strain of the conversation. I always try to be open minded, even about something that I feel as strongly about as Gay Rights. However, in this case, I am emphatic. You are indeed mistaken. 'We' do not 'All' feel a compulsion towards members of the opposite sex. … To close, I will refer to the Bible. …you are a Christian. Let’s break that word down. Christian literally means, 'Follower of Christ'. If you were indeed so, would not His words take precedence over any others? Jesus says to Love all. That would, by logic, include those with different sexual tendencies. … I try not to engage in discussions about the Bible however, not being Christian and having never read the Bible. I have however, been raised with strong morals, a love for human-kind, and an understanding of different points of view and preferences. I don't believe that any book, seen by some as word of God or not, should attempt to take away the very human fiber and rights to happiness that all men and women are born with upon this earth.
Dude… I’m still angry, Poppets. I still think we can do and be better than we’ve been – as a community; as a society; as a people as a whole. It still concerns me that there is at least one teenager out there who believes homosexuality is akin to murder - and you know that one isn’t the only one. But that flicker of hope I carry hasn’t gone completely out. Because there’s also at least one teenager who not only gets it but is willing to stand up and speak out for us, against hate - and I have to believe he’s not the only one. I have to hope.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
January 1, 2009
Hi Poppets! Here it is, 2009. Amazing, isn’t it? Something brand new is beginning. I mean, the world has never seen 2009 before. It’s a time to look forward, a time of fresh starts, a time to leave the past behind us and move forward, fresh, clean and scrubbed shiny. Everything you hated about your life, your job, your body, yourself can be different now, right? At least, that’s what the gyms and the diet centers and the online colleges and the employment agencies and, and, and…and we, ourselves, tell us this time every year.
New Year Resolutions are so common they are practically part of our culture. Depending on the study you read, anywhere between 50% and 90% of us have made at least one resolution based on the turning of the calendar. For most of us, that resolution will be about weight, smoking or finances. Yet the breaking of the New Year Resolutions long about March is so common it’s clichéd. Again, depending on the study, anywhere between 85% and 95% of resolutions are broken. We won’t stick to our diets and workouts, quit smoking or start saving. You know why? Because New Year Resolutions don’t work. There is nothing different or magical about this time of year that makes a personal change any more effective or long-lasting than it would be on some random Tuesday in April. What is different – though hardly magical – is the pressure on us this time of year to make a change. And it’s that pressure, that sense of false possibility, that bothers me.
There’s the societal pressure to make the resolution. There’s the fact that making a resolution inherently includes pressure to keep said resolution. Then there’s the personal pressure. Is there ever personal pressure. First, we beat ourselves up over the weight, smoking, spending, insert your own issue here for the past several months (years, maybe?) to the point that we need to make a resolution about it. Then we put pressure on ourselves for the next several days or weeks to keep the resolution – even though we haven’t been able to lose weight, quit smoking, save money, insert your own issue here, up until now. Oh. Don’t forget the continued lectures about weight, smoking, money, whatever, that are probably continuing in spite of the resolution. Are we having fun yet? Finally, if the pressure actually gets to us and we quit on the resolution (which, to reiterate, 85-95% of us will), there are the stronger lectures and increased dislike of ourselves and our issue than there were before we made the resolution in the first place. And hey, I want to start a new year with self-loathing and recrimination! Whoo-hoo!
I think we have enough people willing to beat us up, call us names, and make us feel less-than without us helping them. I think we have already found reasons enough to beat ourselves up, call ourselves names and make ourselves feel less-than without giving us another one. All buying into the New Year Resolution does is set yourself up to fail. Maybe it’s me, but I can fail often enough all on my own without setting myself up to do it.
Don’t get me wrong. In all seriousness, I am staunch believer in personal growth. If there is something you want to change about your life, you have my support. Just don’t buy into the fact that it has to happen right now or that it is supposed to be easier somehow right now. If you really want to change something, think about picking a date later this month or early February. Change it because you want to change it and because you’re ready to change it. Otherwise, love and accept yourself the way you are, faults and all. Now that’s a resolution I can get behind.
Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.
New Year Resolutions are so common they are practically part of our culture. Depending on the study you read, anywhere between 50% and 90% of us have made at least one resolution based on the turning of the calendar. For most of us, that resolution will be about weight, smoking or finances. Yet the breaking of the New Year Resolutions long about March is so common it’s clichéd. Again, depending on the study, anywhere between 85% and 95% of resolutions are broken. We won’t stick to our diets and workouts, quit smoking or start saving. You know why? Because New Year Resolutions don’t work. There is nothing different or magical about this time of year that makes a personal change any more effective or long-lasting than it would be on some random Tuesday in April. What is different – though hardly magical – is the pressure on us this time of year to make a change. And it’s that pressure, that sense of false possibility, that bothers me.
There’s the societal pressure to make the resolution. There’s the fact that making a resolution inherently includes pressure to keep said resolution. Then there’s the personal pressure. Is there ever personal pressure. First, we beat ourselves up over the weight, smoking, spending, insert your own issue here for the past several months (years, maybe?) to the point that we need to make a resolution about it. Then we put pressure on ourselves for the next several days or weeks to keep the resolution – even though we haven’t been able to lose weight, quit smoking, save money, insert your own issue here, up until now. Oh. Don’t forget the continued lectures about weight, smoking, money, whatever, that are probably continuing in spite of the resolution. Are we having fun yet? Finally, if the pressure actually gets to us and we quit on the resolution (which, to reiterate, 85-95% of us will), there are the stronger lectures and increased dislike of ourselves and our issue than there were before we made the resolution in the first place. And hey, I want to start a new year with self-loathing and recrimination! Whoo-hoo!
I think we have enough people willing to beat us up, call us names, and make us feel less-than without us helping them. I think we have already found reasons enough to beat ourselves up, call ourselves names and make ourselves feel less-than without giving us another one. All buying into the New Year Resolution does is set yourself up to fail. Maybe it’s me, but I can fail often enough all on my own without setting myself up to do it.
Don’t get me wrong. In all seriousness, I am staunch believer in personal growth. If there is something you want to change about your life, you have my support. Just don’t buy into the fact that it has to happen right now or that it is supposed to be easier somehow right now. If you really want to change something, think about picking a date later this month or early February. Change it because you want to change it and because you’re ready to change it. Otherwise, love and accept yourself the way you are, faults and all. Now that’s a resolution I can get behind.
Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.
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