February 2015

Oh, Poppets, I have written ad nauseam about my fears that LGBTQ activists will rest once marriage equality is passed. You know my feelings on it. I know my feelings on it. So, no. I am not going to write about the Supreme Court taking up the issue. Do I hope it passes? Yes. Do I think it will? Yes. Am I afraid of what will happen after it does? Oh hell yes. There. Issue addressed.

Moving on to…February. Valentine’s Day. Are you sick of it yet? After all, it rolled into stores somewhere about December 27th. I have to be honest, though; I’m not. I love Valentine’s Day. 

But Valentine’s Day tends to be difficult in our community. We spend so much time hearing about how unloveable we are, how wrong, and sick, and unhealthy we are. I’m thrilled to say that’s getting better, but let’s be honest – if we weren’t still hearing those things, I would be able to be excited about SCOTUS taking up marriage equality. It’s just too easy to believe on some level when people say hateful, horrible things.

So this year, instead of focusing only on our partners – or lack thereof, depending on your specific situation – I’m suggesting we focus on ourselves. Focus on what makes us loveable. Unique. Beautiful. Special. Worthy.

Stay away from superficial adjectives, too. Trust me, you won’t always be young, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and thin gets harder the older you get. Instead, focus on longer lasting things. Humor. Kindness. Fashion sense, even. Whatever makes you unique.

We are all our worst enemies. Instead of looking in the mirror and seeing what you always see, try to see yourself through someone else’s eyes. And not the haters we were talking about a couple paragraphs ago. Your friends. Your partner. The people who love you.

We are so good to the people we love. That’s the thing about love. It allows us to see our friends and family honestly (hopefully) but kindly, too. So why can’t we extend that same kindness and generosity to ourselves?

Here’s an exercise for you: Every time this month you realize you are thinking about yourself in a way you wouldn’t let anyone talk about a friend, stop. Set yourself straight (so to speak) the same way you would defend a friend.

Because if someone talked trash about your friend, you’d be the first person to say shut the fuck up. To remind them how your friend is the funniest, most genuine, most caring, most intelligent, most…whatever…you’ve ever known. So, when you hear yourself talking that way – stop. Remind yourself that you are the funniest, most genuine, most caring, most intelligent, most whatever you’ve ever known.

Do this every time this month. No trash talk. No self-doubt. Nothing but love. See what happens. I bet you like it, Poppets, I really do. And yes, be sure to buy yourself chocolates and flowers, too – even if someone else is buying them for you, as well. You’re worth it, after all.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you – and each other.

Je Suis, Charlie.

January 1, 2015

Happy New Year, Poppets! 2015. Here’s hoping your holiday season was both peaceful and joyous, and that the new year brings you the best of what you’re wishing for.

Over the years, I have earned a reputation – and rightfully so – for being notoriously anti New Year Resolution. I simply see no point in setting up artificial, and often unreasonable, expectations based on aspects of ourselves that we don’t like simply because we turned a new page in a calendar. It certainly doesn’t seem like healthy, or happy way, to go into a new year.

If, however, you are determined to make New Year’s Resolutions, may I suggest these:

Get Healthy. This is not an admonition to quit smoking, lose weight, or eat more vegetables. If you want to do those things, great. Do them. But not because of a resolution. Instead, just think long-term, yet low maintenance. Women, do breast self-exams. Men, perform testicular self-exams. If you are “of a certain age” get mammograms and prostate exams. At some point this year, sit down with a doctor and get a physical.

Stay Focused. While anger may be a powerful motivator, it’s also a good way to become miserable, burned out, and, well, angry. The world is angry enough. Instead of being angry (although there is time for anger, and I will never say otherwise), concentrate on staying focused. The issue that makes you angry – police brutality, open season on black men, continued threats against members of the LGBTQ community, women’s issues, legal inequality, whatever it is – stayed focused on it. As the news cycle moves on, stay involved. As people start discussing other things on social media, keep bringing it up. Refuse to back down, to become complacent, to sweep it under the rug. You may lose some Tumblr or Reddit followers, but you’ll learn who your real friends are.

Spread Peace. There is plenty of anger in the world. And there are times when it’s appropriate. But remember when it isn’t, as well. There is no need to snap at the homeless. Or yell at the person behind the register. Or be rude to your neighbor in the elevator. More and more, it seems like we as a society are moving to the extremes: doormats or aggressive assholes. There’s a huge middle ground between those 2 poles. Make a concerted effort to live in that middle ground. No one is perfect, but the effort itself will inherently make your life a more peaceful place, for you and those you encounter.

Buy the Leather Jacket. A friend of mine was telling me a story about a young woman who wanted to be the kind of girl who wore a leather jacket – so the young woman went and bought one, because then she’d be the kind of girl who wore one. Whatever your “leather jacket” is, don’t wait for it. If you want to be the kind of person who adopts rescue cats, or drinks champagne, or reads The New Yorker, or eats off of china plates, or yes, wears leather jackets – don’t wait for whatever magical event will turn you into “that kind of a person.” You are that person. Right now. Without having to fix or change yourself in any way. The only thing missing the jacket. So go buy the jacket!

2015 is upon us, Poppets. And with every year before it, it will be exactly the kind of year we make it. So let’s make it a good one.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you – and each other.

December 1, 2014

It’s the holidays, Poppets. Oooo….I do love the holidays. The lights. The colors. The music. The food. Laughter, friends, and goodwill. Traditions that have spanned longer than I’ve been alive, and that just started last year. I love it all. Especially the traditions.

A few years back, David and I were in pretty bad shape financially. Really bad shape, actually. Our friend, Mac, sat down to do her charitable giving that year and, instead of giving to the ASPCA, she gave to us. $100. Now, it doesn’t seem like much. That year? It was a ridiculous amount of money. What none of us realized, though, was a tradition was born.

Every year since then, David and I have given $100 in her name. We’ve given to individuals, a family, organizations, even once the innkeepers of a place we’d been staying, when we learned they were on food stamps. That $100 in Mac’s name has become part of our holiday tradition.

Another tradition of mine is to buy a toothbrush and full-sized toothpaste every time I go to the store from November 1^st through Christmas. Sometimes, that’s once a week. Sometimes, it’s every day. However often, though, I buy a toothbrush and toothpaste. Between Yule and Christmas, I find a homeless shelter wherever I am, and deliver them. David is British Canadian, so he grew up with a strong sense of Boxing Day being the day to make charitable donations. For him, it was gloves, scarfs, socks, underwear. The small things people tend to forget about. We have combined our two traditions quite nicely, and now deliver my toothbrushes and his gloves on December 26^th.

My point is holiday traditions don’t have to be about turkey or beef for dinner. Or the chorale concert you always attend. Or decorating the tree with your friends and too much eggnog. Don’t get me wrong – I have those traditions, too, and I love them. But holiday traditions can be about more than that, too.

If you have a tradition of giving, great. If you don’t, it’s never too late – or too soon – to start one:

• Give in honor or in memory of someone. A teacher who supported you. Your drag mother. The friend who made it easy to come out. The sister who loans you her skirts (even if she draws the line at her shoes). The brother who taught you to tie a necktie.
• Give your time. Not all of us have the financial resources to give money. Believe me, I get that. Contact Bellingham Food Bank (360.676.0392 at 1824 Ellis Street in Bellingham). Or one of the animal organizations (The Whatcom Humane Society: 360.733.2080 at 2172 Division Street in Bellingham or The Alternative Humane Society: 360.671.7445 at http://alternativehumanesociety.com in Bellingham). Or Northwest Youth Services, which has explicit Queer Youth Space, (360.734.9862 at 1020 N. State Street in Bellingham). They will have ways you can donate your time, knowledge, empathy, muscles, brains, and passion. Whatever cause is dear to your heart, you can donate your time to it.
• Combine traditions. Invite your friends over to decorate the tree and drink too much eggnog ~ and ask that everyone bring a single toy, stick of deodorant, full-sized toiletry, or jar of peanut butter. Pick a theme and ask everyone to bring one of that thing. The goal is to reach critical mass – have a small pile of something, without anyone having to spend more than they have, or feel bad because they couldn’t afford much.

And that, dear Poppets, is how traditions are made. I wish you well at the end of every month, but especially during this time of year. For some of us, it’s the best time of the year. For others, not so much. Wherever you fall in that spectrum, my holiday wish for you is peace, now and always.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you – and each other.

November 1, 2014

It’s Thanksgiving month, Poppets, and if you celebrate the official holiday or not, being aware of the reasons to be thankful is always a good thing. As is being aware in general. So without further ado…

1. Be thankful for - marriage equality. States are falling like dominoes, Poppets. So many rights are conferred upon a couple once they are officially married. Plus, for people who want to be married, there is something about that piece of paper that makes it different. The tangible and the intangible. Marriage equality is a good thing.

Be aware of – the laws that still don’t guarantee our safety, employment, or housing rights. Marriage equality is great, but only matters so much if you can be fired or evicted for being married to someone of your same gender.

2. Be thankful for – LGB people serving openly in the military. The fall of DADT was a few years ago now, but trust and believe, Poppets, it’s still a big deal.

Be aware of – The absence of the “T” in the above alphabet. Transgendered military personnel still have to wait until after their military service has been completed before they can even talk about who they truly are, let alone begin any kind of transition. And for men and women who have already transitioned? Can’t even enlist.

3. Be thankful for - The Runaway and Homeless Youth Act. I’m embarrassed to admit I didn’t even know this act existed, Poppets. It sets guidelines for providing shelter and care for our homeless youth. It adds protections specifically covering our homeless, runaway, and “thrown away” (the industry phrase for youth whose parents have kicked them out) youths. Passed in 2008, it’s heartbreaking that we need to have the act at all, but since we do need it, let’s be grateful for it.

Be aware of – The exclusion of LGBTQ teens from the Runaway and Homeless Youth Act. There are no provisions for LGBTQ youth in the act itself. Yes, it would be nice to think that a general law protecting our youth would cover our LGBTQ children, too, but we all know that’s not necessarily the case. According to the National Coalition for the Homeless:

•     20% of homeless youth are LGBT. In comparison, the general youth population is only 10% LGBT.
•     While homeless youth typically experience severe family conflict as the primary reason for their homelessness, LGBT youth are twice as likely to experience sexual abuse before the age of 12.
•     LGBT youth, once homeless, are at higher risk for victimization, mental health problems, and unsafe sexual practices. 58.7% of LGBT homeless youth have been sexually victimized compared to 33.4% of heterosexual homeless youth
•     LGBT youth are roughly 7.4 times more likely to experience acts of sexual violence than heterosexual homeless youth
•     LGBT homeless youth commit suicide at higher rates (62%) than heterosexual homeless youth (29%) 

(National Coalition for the Homeless, June 2009 http://www.nationalhomeless.org/factsheets/lgbtq.html)

Given those statistics, the Runaway and Homeless Youth Act needs to be amended to protect the LGBTQ youth, explicitly and without question.

    4. Be thankful for - International Transgendered Day of Remembrance. Every November 20^th, we remember our transgendered brothers and sisters who have died because of the hatred and violence. There are no scheduled events in the Bellingham area yet, but don’t let that stop you from taking a moment – or organizing one.

Be aware of – International Transgendered Day of Remembrance. The fact that we even need this day is painful. The fact that more and more names get added every year is painful.

5. Be thankful for – the people who have come before us. It is safer to be a member of the LGBTQ community than ever before. We have more rights, more visibility, more acceptance, and more protections than any generation that has come before us. And we have it because of the generations that came before us.

Be aware of – the sacrifices they made. It’s easy to look around and take for granted what we have. It’s easy to think it all came easily. Don’t be that person.

    6. Be thankful for – the strength to continue the fight. You have it. I have it. We have the strength to get what needs to be changed changed. We have voices that are being heard. We have powerful allies and influential comrades. Every day, we make strides, because we just don’t quit.

Be aware of – the fact that being out is a privilege. Not everyone lives in a community where it is safe to be out. Not everyone works in an industry where it is safe to be out. Those of us who can be must not add our hate to the hate they are already facing. Instead, we must fight for them, until none of us have to fight at all.

There you have it, Poppets. Six reasons to be thankful. Happy Thanksgiving, if you celebrate it. Happy Autumn if you don’t.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you – and each other.

October 1, 2014

You probably know, Poppets, that October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Which makes for interesting timing given that last month the hashtag #whyIstayed became a thing after the video of football player Ray Rice hitting his then-fiancée-now-wife went public. Shortly thereafter, #whyIleft showed up, as a bookend. The national dialogue was vitally important. And it was too narrow.

The national dialogue was about women being abused by men. Now, as a former domestic violence counselor, I understand the necessity of shorthand. When giving trainings, and during speaking engagements, trust and believe that having to say “the victim” or “she, or he” every time gets tiring. More than that, you really can lose your audience. Part of public speaking and training is keeping up a flow that keeps your audience engaged. Even something that little can distract from the message.

But here’s the thing – as a domestic violence counselor, trainer, and educator, I started every single one of my sessions with this statement:

I’m going to be using the pronoun “she” for the victim and “he” for the abuser. This is not to say that women are always the victim and men are always the abuser. Men can be victims. Women can be abusers. And the victim and the abuser can be of the same gender and I am in no way minimizing that experience. Everything I’m going to say applies, regardless of the situation.

Is it long winded? Maybe a little. Even clunky. But it’s necessary. Because shorthand can too easily become the only words we use, the only way we think.

I also went into men’s organizations and did speaking engagements for male victims of female abusers – and LGBTQ centers and spoke with people who had been hurt by people of their own gender. Which I don’t tell you to pat myself on the back, but to point out the fact that my co-trainer and I were the only ones in the city who would. We were in high demand because, at the time, no other domestic violence educators who spoke to straight women would also speak to straight men and the LGBTQ community.

And this is exactly why we can’t always use shorthand. Because shorthand becomes the norm because invisibility becomes denial. Denial that domestic violence can occur in our community. Denial that men can be victims. Denial that women can be abusers. Because when a victim can find no one to believe them, to listen to them, perhaps even to say “you know…that’s not okay…” in the first place, it makes the abuse that much worse.

So if you, or someone you love, is in a domestic violence situation:

• I believe you
• It is not your fault
• It is real

And there is help. The Northwest Network out of Seattle exists to address domestic violence within LGBTQ relationships and help victims move forward to health, peace, and happiness. You can find them here: http://nwnetwork.org/ and reach them Monday-Friday, 9-5, here: (206) 568-7777.

Skagit Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Services is a resource and referral organization, and runs a 24-hour hotline. They are LGBTQ-friendly. Find them here: http://www.skagitdvsas.org and here: 1 (888) 336-9591.

#whyIstayed doesn’t have to be because no one believed you. And it really can become #whyIleft.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you – and each other.

September 2014

Ferguson Missouri, Poppets. I’ve struggled with this article for days now – to the point of being late turning it into Betty. There’s just so much that could be said, that needs to be said. Finding the words has been…hard. How does one discuss the death of a young black man walking down the street? Especially when that death has been caused by someone who was supposed to be a symbol of safety and trust?

Too many of us in the LGBTQ community know the fear of not being safe in our own neighborhoods. Know what it’s like to wonder if the person behind you is a friend, or foe. And yet, make no mistake, Poppets: gay is not the new black. Each community has issues that are particular to that specific group. There are many that overlap. And yet gay is not the new black.

So why is it important that we, among ourselves, talk about Michael Brown’s killing? First and foremost, because marginalized peoples should stick together. That’s a trite way of putting it, but until we all rise, any of us can be brought down.

Secondly, regardless of how it may feel here in Bellingham, or how the national community leaders may make it seem, not all LGBTQ people are white. When people of color are threatened, people within our community are threatened. LGBTQs of color get to deal with everything white LGBTQs deal with because of orientation and identity and everything straight people of color deal with because of their race. It’s the double-whammy of violence, bigotry, fear, and prejudice.

Third, while this is absolutely, and without question, a race – and racist – issue, we must also make it a human one. We don’t get to claim to be decent human beings if we don’t act decently. If we don’t call out bigotry in all its forms. There was no misunderstanding in Ferguson. There was no difference of opinion. An unarmed black man was shot dead by a white cop. If those of us who are white choose to sit quietly on the sidelines because this is “a black issue” then we don’t get to feel smug when we vote a specific way, or change our Facebook icon, or stop eating at Chick Fil’A.

Fourth, the black community shouldn’t have to do all the heavy lifting. Just as we appreciate our straight friends when they speak out, march, donate, protest, listen, and vote, the LGBTQ community owes it to other marginalized groups to do the same.

But most importantly, and to reiterate, the LGBTQ community includes lesbians, gays, bi’s, trans men and women, and queers of color. It includes pansexuals of color and bigendered people of color. It includes those of us who fit no label, but aren’t straight, of color. To think about the black community as “them” does a disservice to a huge part of our own community. We must talk about Michael Brown’s killing because his murder is a reflection of all of us and our silence would speak far louder than our words.

It’s hard to find the words, Poppets. I know. But find them we must. His name was Michael Brown, and he deserves a voice.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you – and each other.

August 1, 2014

Are you ready for a road trip, Poppets? And not a crazy Bridget road trip like head to New Orleans or Boston, either. Just a road trip to Portland – yes, Oregon, not Maine. Here’s why –

Somewhere along the line, the accepted stereotype for butch lesbians and transmen meant having zero fashion sense. A uniform of blue jeans and a t-shirt for every day, and black pants and white shirt for dressy occasions. Anyone who isn’t femme is supposed to be happy with this selection. Maybe it’s more of a chicken or egg situation. Are those the uniforms we live in because we like them, or because it’s the only thing available to us?

Because let’s be honest – suits, pants, and dress shirts cut for cis-women’s bodies don’t always fit. When they do fit, they aren’t always the look we’re going for. And trying to get a men’s tailor or retail shop to tailor a man’s suit to our body can be an exercise in frustration, at best, and often ends in humiliation, at worst. What’s a masculine ciswoman, transman, or androgynous woman to do?

Road trip!

Back in 2008, the founder of Saint Harridan was able to marry her partner, when California granted marriage equality, but she could find nothing to wear. She finally had a suit made for her, but only after throwing up her hands in frustration at the options available to her. Doing so made her realize that she could not possibly be the only person in this situation – so she opened Saint Harridan, clothing options for women, transmen, and anyone else who challenges the gender binary, and wants more than jeans or black pants!

So where does Portland come in? The 2014 Saint Harridan Popup Tour has started and, next month, they’re in Portland. September 26-28, just down the road, you can find suits that are cut to fit you – not just your body, but your person. People who are not only okay with your presence, but are expecting you. Customer service that isn’t just trained to put up with you, but cater to you. Other customers who aren’t trying to ignore you, but are as happy to be there as you are. For more information, check out the store’s website: http://www.saintharridan.com/ or, for details about the popup in Portland itself, check out their Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/events/1476964905848512/ And be sure to pass the word along. Stores like this can’t stay in business if we don’t keep them open (the recent loss of the amazing Tomboy Tailors is a harsh reminder of that). Plus, if you can’t make it, you can always order online through their main site, as well.

Go into this holiday season looking as sharp as you feel. Finally.

Travel safely, enjoy the trip and the shopping. And, until next month, Poppets, take care of you.