January 1, 2016

Poppets, I cannot tell you how many drafts of this month’s article I have written, edited, deleted, and started fresh.

Part of it, no doubt, is because I’ve been writing this column for a while and, eventually, the ideas dry up a bit.

But part of it is I’m conflicted this year. I want to write about resolving to find love and peace in the face of hatred and chaos. I want to encourage you and myself to rise above. To answer with love. To embrace when possible and disengage when it’s not.

On the other hand…I want to write about resolving to stand fast. To fight back. To answer every microaggression with power. To refuse to be silenced or cowed, even to ensure a peaceful moment or two.

To write about letting people make their own choices, go their own way, and allowing grown-ups to fuck up and fail if that’s what it means. All while writing about how we must look out for each other, and guide, advise, and support because we are all put on this earth to take care of each other.

And so I have started each of those articles – and a couple others, to be completely honest with you – and still haven’t settled on my path.

For me, in 2016, I think I will resolve to find the balance between those two seemingly disparate concepts: love and fighting. 

• I will not stand for being attacked – but I will make sure I am being attacked before I strike back.
• I will be willing to forgive a misspeak or misstep based in true ignorance – but I will not let ignorance be an excuse for cruelty.
• I will embrace teaching moments – but I will not allow the conversation to be derailed onto how I need to explain myself.
• I will not be man-splained, straight-splained, thin-splained, or Christian-splained – but I will be willing to have conversation where my partners get to do more than just listen to my experience, even if it’s not theirs.

As a Wiccan witch and a Libra, I believe everything is interconnected and I strive for balance. These resolutions reflect that.

In the past, I have been vehement about not making resolutions based on the turning of the page of a calendar. This year is different, though. This year, I need to make these resolutions. I need to know what my path will be before the vitriol that is building comes in full force.

So, Poppets, I encourage you to find your path, as well. Identify what’s important to you before you need it.

Be safe this year. Be well. And fight or love, as suits your needs.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you – and each other.

December 1, 2015

As I mentioned last month, Poppets, the holidays started for me back in October with Samhain/Halloween. But they do reach critical mass here in December. Yule. Christmas. Boxing Day. I love them all. Not only do I get (more than) a little Martha Stewart-y in my own gothy way, but I admit it: I get teary.

Commercials kill me. Coffee commercial. Coca-cola commercials. Those damn Budweiser Clydesdales get me every. freaking. time.

This year, though, this year I’m teary over something else, as well. I’m grateful. I’m grateful to be back home in New England with the person I love in the place I love, surrounded by people I love and who love us back.

My family is happy, healthy, and well. We all have enough food in the pantry and money to pay the heating bills.

And I can never, ever, take any of those things for granted again. Which makes this year’s annual article on giving even more poignant for me. Because I am also so desperately grateful for the ability and opportunity to give back.

Now, maybe you don’t give at this time of year. Maybe you can’t, or you just don’t, or whatever. If that’s the case, cool. I have no problem with you making the choices that work for your world.

But! If you’re looking for ideas, may I suggest:

The Card Family. Visa cards. Gas cards. Starbucks cards. Target cards. McDonald’s cards. Movie theatre cards. No, giving cash isn’t actually all that special, but a bit of a shopping spree when you never get that is special. And the chance to hang out with your friends and actually buy a coffee, or go to the movie, or truly participate can be a blessing to a teenager.

The Practical Stuff. Warm hats, gloves, and scarves. Boots. Socks. Underwear. Pajamas, slippers, robes. No, none of it is glamorous. You won’t make any child squeal or teenager actually break a smile. But it will matter. A lot.

Toiletries. Toothbrushes. Toothpaste. Brushes. Deodorant. Baby powder. Tampons. Soap and travel soap dishes. These are all still needed during the holidays, when most people’s minds turn toward the fun stuff. Don’t forget the mundane is still important. Try to donate full-sized stuff, though. The travel-sized and hotel-sized stuff isn’t as helpful as we all want it to be.

Christmas-y stuff. Artificial trees. Wrapping paper. Tape and ribbon. Stocking stuffers. Tree ornaments. Batteries! The right organization can get these to the right recipients, and everyone will be happy.

Traditional gifts. Art supplies. Puzzle books with pencils. How-to books. Anything Avengers this year. Ball caps. Fancy toiletries (boys like body wash and cologne, too, remember!). Kits – from gingerbread houses to archeology digs. These are the things that never go out of style. Don’t underestimate their appeal. 

Unexpected food. Chocolates. Nuts. Tea bags. Ground coffee. Powdered creamer. Sugar. Granola bars. Cookies. Most food bank donations are healthy – as they should be. But sometimes, especially during the holidays, treats are nice, too. 

And there you have it; some suggestions if you’re looking to give this season. And if you’re not, feel free to pass the list along!

We’ve gotten through another year, Poppets. I say we’re doing pretty damn well – and God bless us, everyone.

Until next month, Poppets, Merry Whatever you celebrate. Take care of you – and each other.

November 1, 2015

The holidays and winter are upon us, Poppets. Here in my house, the holidays start with Samhain (Halloween) and run through New Year’s Eve, encompassing Thanksgiving, Yule, and Christmas. 

But winter lasts a lot longer – especially now that we’ve moved back to New England.

With the cold, celebratory season also comes favorite recipes. Winter, more than any other season, makes me want to fill the house with the scents and aromas of the season – not to mention my tummy with the tastes, too!

But there’s also that element of thanksgiving. Of closeness that comes with the holiday season. Of being especially grateful for the people I love most. So this year, let me share with you some of my favorite people’s favorite winter recipes. (And no, none of them have Betty’s favorite ingredient in them! I’ll leave those recipes to her…)

Anna’s Gingerbread – This has become staple in David’s and my house. Just don’t use blackstrap molasses, because it makes it taste burnt instead of dark and rich. Yes, I know this to be true. Learn from my mistake, Poppets. Also, breaking this up and combining it with eggnog custard or pudding for a trifle is delicious!
1/2 cup butter or margarine
1 1/2 cups dark brown sugar
1 1/4 cups dark molasses
2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
2 eggs, beaten
2 teaspoons ground ginger
1 tablespoon ground cinnamon
3 tablespoons warm milk
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 cup raisins (optional, I always leave out)
Melt butter or margarine, sugar, and molasses in saucepan over low heat. Heat until sugar is dissolved and mix well. Remove from heat. Put flour, eggs, ginger, cinnamon, milk, baking soda, and raisins in mixing bowl. Add butter mixture and mix with spoon or electric mixer until well blended. Pour mixture into baking pan and bake in oven until toothpick inserted in center of cake comes out clean (about 45 minutes). To serve, allow to cool to room temperature before cutting into squares.

Dan’s Honey and Walnut Dip – The holidays can mean gatherings of friends, colleagues, coworkers. And we’re all busy – but you can’t show up empty handed. The best part is there is literally no measuring, no way to do it wrong. Like walnuts? Add more. Like honey? Add more. Whatever works for you. This is so fast, you can almost make it in your car in the parking lot before you head into the party if you need to. 
1 block cream cheese, softened
Walnut pieces
Honey
Stir the walnuts into the cream cheese. Stir the honey into the walnut-cream cheese combo. Serve with wheat crackers. Seriously, that’s it. But it tastes like you slaved all day.

Lori’s Hot Italian Beef – This is the best version of the classic sandwich I have ever eaten (and I’ve eaten far more of my share of Italian beefs). Plus, it’s so damn easy. Put it on in the morning and walk away. Hot, drippy, delicious dinner a few hours later. What’s not to love?
1 rump roast
1 jar pepperoncini
Italian seasoning to taste
Beef broth to cover
6 or so cloves of garlic
Hoagie rolls
Put everything but the rolls in a crockpot. Let it cook for at least 6 hours. Check to see if it’s falling apart yet. Cook longer if necessary, but no longer than a total of 8 hours.
Remove beef from crock pot, keeping juice in reserve. Shred the beef and fill rolls. Dip (but don’t soak) the sandwich in reserved juice.

Mac’s Winter Root Soup – Rich, thick, and perfect for a cold night. Makes use of winter root vegetables to their most delicious potential.
Butternut squash
Sweet potato
Carrots
Yukon gold potatoes (unpeeled)
Chicken broth
Cut all veggies into cubes. Put in large roasting pan with 5-6 whole garlic cloves. Top with olive oil and sprinkle w salt, pepper, cayenne & ginger to taste. Roast uncovered on 425 for 45-60 min, until cooked through. Let it cool.
Once cool, put veggies in a blender in batches with 1/2 cup chicken broth each batch until smooth. Reheat, pour into in bowls, and top with favorite garnish (paprika, chopped nuts, whatever). Serve with crusty bread. Maybe even…

Sister and Brother’s Easy Bread – In case you didn’t figure it out, this is my sister and brother-in-law’s recipe. And yes, we call each other Sister, and sometimes Brother. Your kitchen will smell like your favorite bakery when you’re done with this.
3 cups all-purpose flour 
1 tsp salt 
1/4 tsp yeast 
1-1/2 c warm water
 Put everything in a large bowl. Stir it all around with a fork until it's a gooey mess.  Cover it in plastic and let sit 12 - 24 hours.
Flour a board or counter (liberally), and with wet hands, scoop the risen goo out onto the floured surface.  Pull the edges in to the center and flip it over so you have a nice taut surface.  Flour a towel and cover the dough, let it 'nap' for an hour or so. 

Put a covered oven-safe bowl into the oven and preheat to 450 for 30 minutes.  Dump dough into hot pot, shake to distribute, cover, bake 27 minutes.  Uncover and bake another 11 minutes.  (These are random times, but they work!)
Remove and cool in the pot. Bread will just pop out when cool.

Starbuck’s Gingerbread Muffins – Want to pretend that gingerbread is a breakfast food, and not cake? These are what you’re looking for. And the same warning against blackstrap molasses is in effect. Try them toasted or grilled with (plain, not Dan’s) cream cheese.

1/2 cup white sugar
1/2 cup softened butter
1 egg
1 cup unsulphured (not black strap) molasses
2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1 1/2 teaspoons baking soda
2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
2 teaspoons ground ginger
1 teaspoon ground cloves
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 cup hot water
1/2 cup applesauce

Preheat oven to 350. Grease & flour muffin tins. In a large bowl, cream together the sugar & butter. Beat in the egg, and then mix in the molasses. In a separate bowl, sift together the flour, salt, baking soda, cinnamon, ginger, and cloves. 
Blend the dry bowl into the creamed mixture, and add the applesauce. Stir in the hot water. Pour into muffin tins.
Bake 15 minutes.

Susan’s Spiced Tea – This is my mother’s recipe. It is literally the taste and smell of my childhood. Generally, I distain instant drinks. This is the exception. Plus, it will keep FOREVER in an air-tight container.
2 cups Tang
2 scoops instant lemonade (if anybody can still find Wyler's, it's especially good) 
1 cup instant, unsweetened tea (caffeinated or decaf, optional)
1 teaspoon ground clove
1 heaping teaspoon cinnamon
Combine all the ingredients. Add 2 T to a mug and pour in hot, not quite boiling, water. Stir well.

My Dear David’s Apple Cider – Because no article about some of my favorite people in the world would be complete without my dear David. We went apple picking last month and used the freshest apples EVER this time. I want to say it doesn’t make a difference…but it does. Still, the apples you can get a grocery store make it taste damn good.
12 medium apples 
2 cinnamon sticks
1 star anise
2 t ground cloves
Orange peel for zest
Sugar 
Cut apples into 2 inch cubes (this can be approximate). Put in a large pot, just covered with water. Throw in cinnamon, star anise, cloves, and zest. Keep everything at a low boil for an hour or two, until it’s all liquid.
Let cool. Strain out solids with cheese cloth.
Add sugar to taste and reheat. Serve with a cinnamon stick (or rum!)

There you have it, Poppets. From some of my favorite kitchens to yours, for my favorite time of year – and into the snowy beyond.

May you find reasons to be thankful this month, Poppets, and know I’m thankful for you.

Until next month, take care of you – and each other.

October 1, 2015

Betty indulges me, Poppets. She lets me ramble on about stupid shit, and important shit, and shit that’s really near and dear to my heart. Pretty much whatever I want. Example? Almost every October for the past eight years, I’ve written a variation on the same article: Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

Guess what? I’m continually grateful for Betty, because I’m writing that same article this year.

Why? Because a man in Dallas recently got ten years’ probation – probation, Poppets – for killing his transgender partner. Her name was Janette Tovar, and earlier in the day Jonathan Stewart Kenney slammed her head into concrete during an argument.

Later that evening, he called 911 when she became nonresponsive. But the cause of death was blunt force trauma. In other words, his slamming her head into cement. During an argument. Which is the very definition of physical domestic violence, Poppets.

But it should be cut and dried, right? They fought. He hurt her, badly. She died. He even admitted to it. This is domestic violence to the Nth degree. This is domestic violence murder.

But he got ten years’ probation and a $2500 fine.

Tell me again how just and fair the system is to victims of domestic violence. Then tell me again how just and fair it is to the LGBTQ community.

Tell me how a fight – whatever the fight was about – justifies slamming a woman’s head into concrete so hard that it kills her. Tell me again how victims of domestic violence ask for it.

Finally, tell me how domestic violence doesn’t exist in the LGBTQ community. Tell me how it’s a fair fight if it takes place amongst ourselves.

Luckily, I’m not the only one passionate about this. 

So are the people at the Northwest Network, an agency specifically for LGBTQ survivors of abuse. They’re based out of Seattle, and you can reach them here (206) 568-7777 during normal business hours, or find out more information here: http://nwnetwork.org.

So are the people at the Skagit County Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Services. They are a full-service resource center for victims of domestic violence and sexual assault, and are openly LGBTQ friendly. You can reach them here (888) 336-9591 24-hours a day, or find out more information here: http://www.skagitdvsas.org.

So are you – I hope. Because if you’re aware of it or not, someone you know, someone you love, is or has been a victim of domestic violence. People don’t just get in touch with those organizations to ask for help. You can call them and ask how to help, too. I hope you will.

Because it’s real. It’s happening – to us. Among us. By us.

Her name was Janette Tovar, and he got ten years’ probation.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you – and each other.

(Source: http://crimeblog.dallasnews.com/2015/09/dallas-man-receives-10-years-probation-for-death-of-transgender-woman.html/
http://www.advocate.com/crime/2015/9/16/shocker-texas-man-confesses-killing-trans-woman-only-gets-probation
http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2015/09/16/texas-man-gets-probation-for-killing-his-trans-girlfriend.html)

September 1, 2015

LGBTQ, Poppets. That’s what we call ourselves. Sometimes, we add A and I in there. But it’s been LGBT(Q) almost from the beginning. Some of us even remember when it was GLBT. Whatever order you put those letters in, though, the point is that bisexual has been right there, on equal footing, from the beginning.

So – why do we ignore them? Invalidate them? Erase them?

Think I’m wrong? How often have you heard it said, when a woman who last dated a man starts dating a woman “oh, so she’s a lesbian now?” Or run into the concept that if a man likes sex with men, he’s gay, period, and should really just admit it. Never mind how often you’ve heard it; how often have you thought it yourself?

Bisexuals are often banned from safe spaces if they are in an opposite-gender relationship. They aren’t “gay enough” or they’re traitors.

Society is slowly, ever so slowly, beginning to understand that gender is fluid. Hell, the term “genderfluid” is a thing now. And yet we, even amongst ourselves, want to continue to insist that bisexuals aren’t real. That you can be heterosexual or homosexual and nothing in between.

There is so much more space on the sexuality spectrum than the two poles, Poppets!

The new generation is getting it. They’re better at it than we are, I think. They at least recognize, if not 100% accept yet, pansexual (which before anyone asks, no, isn’t just a new age term for bisexual) and several variations of asexual. They call out bisexual erasure far better and more thoroughly than my generation – or the generation after mine – have so far.

But that doesn’t mean we’re hopeless, the generation before, with, and after me. We can learn new tricks, even as old dogs. Stop erasing the B from our alphabet. Stop belittling them as cheaters, as fake, as slumming with the queers. And yes, those are all things I have heard cast at my bisexual friends and family. 

Society is evolving, expanding. There are more designations for sexuality and gender than ever before, as we recognize just how gloriously messy the whole male-female-sex thing is. There are even orientations and expressions that don’t have names or labels yet, which makes the Q more important than ever.

In light of this, we’re going to pretend the B doesn’t really exist? Isn’t real? The B that’s been there right along with the L, the G, and T from the beginning – we’re going to keep erasing them?

As I say so often, we’re better than that, Poppets. So let’s be better than that. Yes, you can come out as gay or lesbian after being in a heterosexual relationship. You can even come out after having had children and family. And – and you can also be bisexual. And in this relationship, with this person. Their gender doesn’t change your orientation.

It’s time we all remembered that.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you – and each other.

August 1, 2015

I don’t often do reviews here, Poppets, in spite of Betty bringing me on to keep you abreast of what’s happening on the east coast (wow, that didn’t go as planned, did it?). But sometimes, a review works. Like this month.

We are big Netflix fans out here. David and I can binge with the best of them. To the point that we will rarely even get involved with a show that has fewer than two seasons, because why get invested? However two of Netflix’s original series caught our eye – Grace and Frankie and Sense8 - and we thought we’d check them out. 

Talk about a juxtaposition.

Grace and Frankie is about two hetero couples in their 60s or early 70s (the actors are Lily Tomlin, Jane Fonda, Sam Waterston, and Martin Sheen, so their age). The men have been business partners and best friends for decades. The women tolerate each other for their husbands. The four of them are meeting for dinner when the men drop the bombshell that they are in love, that they have been a couple for at least 20 years, and now that they can get married, they want to do so. The husbands are leaving the wives for each other.

Now, I know that this is a scenario that plays itself out in real life, so I don’t object to the subject. But as the episode went on, it became obvious that the men were going to be The Bad Guys and the women were going to be The Ones We Root For.

The focus was entirely on the women’s pain. The men felt guilty – but not by much. The women were being painted as having everything ripped from them, while the men were going to ride off into the sunset together.

Except that it isn’t that easy. It’s never that easy. As someone who was the one to ask for the divorce (previously, David and I are still deliriously happy in our little bubble), there is no easy riding off into the sunset without a care in the world. As the man who had to tell his wife he was gay (previously, I knew from the beginning), the pain David experienced was no small thing. Between the two of us, we were these two characters in our previous marriages – and it was nowhere close to as easy as Grace and Frankie would have you believe.

Now, full disclosure, the show may get better. I couldn’t get through the first episode. It was too one-sided, and too…wrong. Too false and too painful in its refusal to see both sides of the story, to ready to paint the men as the bad guys. 

Then there was Sense8. Interestingly enough, I’d heard really good things about Grace and Frankie and so-so things about Sense8, so I wasn’t as excited about this one.

Was I ever wrong. The plot is a bit convoluted, and may not read well, but there are eight people who are connected telepathically. Why? Who are they? What’s going on? No one knows, not even them. But they can talk and visit and jump into each other’s bodies. It’s a cool set up if you like that kind of thing (which I do).

But what makes it worth writing about here is the fact that there are a transgender woman who is part of a lesbian couple and a closeted but partnered gay man as some of the main characters. Needless to say, their lives aren’t easy. They’re a transgender lesbian, a closeted gay man, and their respective partners for heaven’s sake – those are not easy people to be, no matter what social media would want you to believe.

And yet…in this science fiction world, they are treated more realistically than the men in the “realistic” Grace and Frankie. They are allowed to be whole characters. And yes, they screw up and they hurt people and they make mistakes. But they are not cookie cutter Bad Guys. They are well-rounded, nuanced characters that we feel for and root for and come to care about. They are the kind of representation that matters.

So, I highly recommend Sense8. It makes for a great binge night or two. As for Grace and Frankie – if you choose to watch it, do so knowing the first episode is tough. If you make it through more, I’d love to know what you think. As for me, I think I’ll stick to well-developed characters and leave the stock bad guys to someone else.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you – and each other.

July 1, 2015

I’m going to do it, Poppets. I’m going to talk about Caitlyn Jenner. I swore I wasn’t – but I am.

First and foremost, good for you, Caitlyn! Well done and congratulations. To finally live as one’s true, authentic self is a gift so many people are never able to achieve.

I am thrilled, almost beyond words, for her.

I, also, have two random thoughts in my head about some of the responses I’ve heard to Caitlyn’s journey:

1. Since we embrace Caitlyn, society will embrace all transgender women and men. I love this idea. I love this ideal. And many, many people have indeed embraced Caitlyn (and Laverne, and Janet, and Chaz…) but many more have not. Think the LGBTQ community is above it? Think again. I was sitting with a man I know – who happens to be gay – and a friend of his – who happens to be a lesbian – and Caitlyn came up in conversation. He shuddered as he explained that he “doesn’t get it…(he) just doesn’t get it.” She, on the other hand, had this to say: “Oh, I get it. It’s just disgusting.” That’s the hate within our own community, Poppets.  Don’t dare judge someone for not coming out, for not transitioning, when we can’t even support them.

2. If we embrace Caitlyn, society will embrace transgender women and men, even those who don’t pass. I love this idea. This ideal. Caitlyn is a naturally attractive person. That was part of the original allure back in the 70s during the Olympics. That was damn fine photogenic athlete. Trust and believe, Wheaties wouldn’t have put an ugly person on their boxes. Plus, Caitlyn has money, which means she can afford surgeries that help this specific aspect of her transition move forward even more smoothly. And let’s be completely honest – she’s gorgeous. The painful truth, though, is that society doesn’t embrace any women who aren’t deemed beautiful. Just as Wheaties wouldn’t have put an unattractive man on their boxes, Vogue would not have put an unattractive woman on their cover, no matter the reason. Do not ~ not, not, not ~ dare to judge someone who doesn’t pass, who considers themselves unattractive as their true gender, who chooses not to transition. Yes, we as a society are mean to all unattractive women. When we’re willing to throw “you look like a man” at cis-gendered women as an insult, we don’t get to then ask our trans-sisters to take the heat.

On the one hand, society is embracing beautiful, articulate, passing transgender men and women. I’m not sure this has ever happened before. On the other hand, there have already been nine transgender women murdered in 2015 alone. We all know Caitlyn’s name (and Laverne, and Janet, and Chaz), but how many of us know theirs*?

It is a better time to be transgendered than ever before. I, of all people, will never refute that. But “better” still doesn’t mean “good” or “safe.” 

And those are my random thoughts.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you – and each other.

*London Kiki Chanel (Philadelphia), Kristina Gomez Reinwald (Miami), Penny Proud (New Orleans), Taja DeJesus (San Francisco), Yazmin Vash Payne (Los Angeles), Ty Underwood (North Tyler, Texas), Lamia Beard (Norfolk, Virginia), and Mercedes Williamson (George County, Mississippi)