September 2008

Hi Poppets! It is truly a great thing when an article writes itself. I actually could’ve sent this in within 24 hours of submitting last month’s column – and almost did – so, if anything, I’m coming to this party a little late. Still, I decided not to bombard Richard and Betty with articles last month so I’m just asking this question now: Have you started eating at McDonald’s yet?

Odds are excellent that you know why I’m asking but for those of you who don’t, a quick summary. The American Family Association (AFA) has called for a boycott of McDonald’s because they have given monies to the National Gay and Lesbian Chamber of Commerce and now hold a seat on its board of directors. The AFA describes itself this way: a non-profit organization that “represents and stands for traditional family values, focusing primarily on the influence of television and other media – including pornography – on our society.” (citation – www.afa.net, permission granted under copyright) They have this to say about the boycott: “the boycott is not about hiring homosexuals; it is not about homosexuals eating at McDonald’s; it is not about how homosexual employees are treated. … It is about McDonald’s as a corporation, refusing to remain neutral in the culture wars. McDonald's has chosen not to remain neutral but to give the full weight of their corporation to promoting the homosexual agenda, including homosexual marriage.” (citation - http://www.boycottmcdonalds.com, permission granted under copyright)

It sounds pretty reasonable. While I respect corporations that take a stand on political issues, I don’t disrespect corporations that remain neutral. Remaining neutral and maintaining the status quo is a perfectly legitimate corporate response. After all, they aren’t in business to be political; they are in business to make money. That’s what corporations do. So what’s my issue?

The AFA states the boycott is solely about McDonald’s not remaining neutral. It’s not, according to them, about McDonald’s supporting the LGBT community. They just didn’t remain neutral.

Only when Exxon merged with Mobile and took away domestic partnership rights, that wasn’t remaining neutral. That was switching out the status quo. Yet there was no call from the AFA for an Exxon boycott. No outrage that Exxon hadn’t remained neutral, hadn’t maintained the status quo. Too vague for you? According to the AFA website, they “…also believe in commending those companies which act responsibly regarding the programs they support.” (citation – www.afa.net, permission granted under copyright) So…what happened to neutrality? Apparently, neutrality is in the eye of the beholder as far as the AFA is concerned.

Think this boycott has no teeth? Think that people won’t give up the convenience of their quarter pounders with cheese just for this? Think again. Some of the most effective boycotts in the country have been spear-headed by the AFA. They helped bring about changes in the corporate policies of Wal-Mart, 7-11 and Burger King. These aren’t little Mom and Pop places, holding on by a thread. When the AFA calls for action, they get results.

So let’s call for a little action ourselves. Let’s put our money where our mouths are, almost literally. Even if you dislike their food, McDonald’s sells coffee, sodas, tea and bottled water. They have salads that don’t completely suck. Vegetarian, vegan or health guru, there is still something you can buy at McDonald’s. If you want, follow that up with contacting McDonald’s directly. Let them know you support them, that you are intentionally giving them your money. But mostly, give them your money. Let the AFA boycott loudly. We can spend quietly. And if enough of us do, we’ll speak volumes.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

August 2008

Hi Poppets! God, but I’m loving the Pacific Northwest. Yes, my heart will always belong to Boston but let me tell you, it doesn’t suck out here.

I’ve spent the last 35 years – I’ll give myself until the age of three – never quite fitting in, being the freak. Luckily, I have been able to surround myself with amazing friends who love me because of and in spite of my quirks. My family has been supportive of who I am, even when they really didn’t get it. For all of them, the fact that I don’t quite fit in is part of my charm.

Outside, though, in the bigger world, people haven’t always been as accepting. I rarely engender a neutral reaction in people. Upon seeing me, not even meeting me, just seeing me, people usually have a strong reaction. Sometimes it is adoration. Sometimes it is disgust bordering on abhorrence. While I never try to create reactions, I also no longer worry about not creating them. I just go about my business and my life and let people react however they are going to react. I smile at the people who like me. I smile bigger at the people who don’t. My sister had often heard me explain this phenomenon but had only experienced the positive responses until we were at the mall one day. As we were leaving, she said “Bridget, I saw it a lot today. You mean it when you say they hate you, don’t you?” Yeah. I mean it.

Until I came out here.

Seattle has more burlesque shows, drag performances and pin-up clothing shops than I have been able to visit in a year. But it’s not just that.

One weekend, David and I were at a hotel in Vancouver (WA, not BC) and stepped out so he could have a smoke. It was late. We’d been playing. And while we were street legal, we were hardly in jeans and t-shirts. When we saw there was another couple – dressed in formalwear, nonetheless – already on the smoking balcony, we almost didn’t go out. Thank goodness we did. We ended up having the most lovely conversation with the King and Queen of the Vancouver community. (As an aside, my goal in life is to be as beautiful as she was. *sigh*)

Another night in Portland, I was asking a young woman about tattoo artists in the area. When she asked what I was looking for, I pulled up my skirt and showed her the large, intricate tatt that runs the length of my calf. It has always been described as “scary” so I was prepared. She looked at it and said “Well, that’s pretty standard so really anyone in town could do something like that.”

Poppets, out here, I’m normal. Hell, I’m positively mundane…and I love it. I have never wanted to fit in, to conform to societal rules, to be *that* girl. I enjoy wearing heels with Capri pants and corsets to a nice dinner. I laugh when I’m happy and don’t worry about if people stare. I’m bad at dropping hints and good at asking for what I want. I own my space and expect others to own theirs. And yes, I have flames and a broadsword up my left calf.

At the same time, I have never wanted to stand out for the sake of standing out. I have always just wanted to be me and to have that be okay with the wider world. Sadly, that hasn’t always been the case. Until now. In a place where “normal” can mean anything, even me.

So enjoy the rest of your summer. Embrace everything you are. Break a couple societal rules and breathe easy. You’re as normal as I am.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

July 2008

Hi Poppets! I admit it, California’s supreme court ruling has me practically mushy. Yes, even cynical, jaded, little ol’ me has a soft inside. Sometimes. But when George Takei, Mr. Sulu himself, can finally get married, well, if that doesn’t get my romantic side in gear, I don’t know what would. As my sister put it, I’m not sure I’ve cared about a celebrity wedding…Ever.

There is another side of California’s ruling, though. One that has nothing to do with warm fuzzies or happily ever after. It’s purely economic. According to a UCLA study, gay marriages could pump over $650 million into California’s economy and create over 2000 new jobs. That’s impressive. At the beginning of a recession, when many small businesses are just hoping to hold on, that’s even more impressive.

Which got me thinking (that cynical, jaded side never goes away for long): How many of these vendors would have welcomed same-sex couples a year ago? Or three? How many would have supported the LGBT community before we were the big economic boom?

I don’t have an answer. But I do know there are vendors here in Washington who do support the community. Right now. In spite of laws that say we can’t actually marry. In spite of the fact that openly supporting us can still cause a backlash. That’s impressive. At the beginning of a recession, when many small businesses are just hoping to hold on, that’s even more impressive.

It’s only a matter of time before the laws change. We will be able to marry the person we love, regardless of gender, here in Washington. I truly believe this. Which makes it more important that we support the businesses – right now – that support us, right now.

Next time you need something, go to www.purpleunions.com or www.gayweddings.com or www.lambda-gay-weddings.com and search for local businesses. Use the caterers you find here for your next office party. Hire these photographers to shoot your family portraits. Take vacations at these bed and breakfasts. Send flowers from these florists to your parents on their anniversary. And if you are going to California, consider paying the extra to have a local officiant come with you. Wouldn’t you rather know the person standing in front of you, anyway?

Our weddings are going to be big business in time. It’s up to us to give these vendors that time. They are the ones who deserve to reap the economic benefit that will eventually come. They are the ones who deserve to still be in business in a year or two or five when they can be our wedding caterer, florist, site, etc. They are the ones who support us. Let’s us support them.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

June 2008

Hi Poppets! Something that I’ve realized is themes tend to show up in several places at once in my life. If I am dealing with an issue, my friends and family are probably dealing with the same issue. And even, occasionally, that theme will show up societally. This time is no different. The theme that is presenting itself right now is the concept of being “too” something or “not enough” something. In other words, stereotypes.

Nationally, we are seeing it in the presidential race. Depending on who you ask, Barack Obama is often seen as “too black.” Think I’m wrong? Check out the interviews out of the West Virginia primary. Not just the results but the interviews themselves. Hillary Clinton has stopped wearing skirts to keep from being seen as “too girly.” Think I’m wrong? Go back to the flap she instigated by wearing a blouse that showed her collarbones during one of the debates. John McCain – John McCain! – is being accused of being both “too conservative” and “too liberal” all at once. Quite a feat for a lifelong, well-established Republican.

Personally, I have black friends who are dealing with being told they are “too white.” I, often, get accused by people who don’t know me well, of trying to be black – which is really the same thing as saying I’m “not white enough.” And currently, my gay male partner, David, is being told he isn’t gay enough by many in the gay community but isn’t straight enough by people in the straight community. My presence simply confuses both factions. Too straight because he has a strong woman as a partner; too gay to have a strong woman as a partner.

Ummmm…Hm. Okay.

Now, as far as David goes, I can understand a certain level of confusion. Here is a gay man who has fallen in love with and chosen to partner with a person and this person is female. I am not the least offended when people ask us questions for clarification or curiosity. It’s when people start getting angry at him and excluding him from his community, when people start accusing me of being nothing more than a fag hag, when people start insisting we meet certain behavioral standards, that I start getting angry back. Especially when, in other circles, people get angry with him for not being “manly” enough and upset with me for being with someone who is “too soft.”

What, after all, is gay enough? Does David have to dress flamboyantly? Use the word “fabulous” all the time? Act and behave like Carson Kressley or Jack from “Will and Grace” to be “gay enough?” Or must he chew down trees and only wear ball caps before he is “straight enough?” Trust me, this man behaves…like himself. He is the same person in a straight crowd, in a gay crowd, in a mixed crowd, and here at home.

And again, we aren’t the only ones facing criticism and judgment for not fitting into stereotypes. A man I know is also facing the “not black enough” issue. He is well spoken, has two degrees, doesn’t use the n-word to describe his friends and wears suits to work. Somehow, this is seen as selling out and not staying real. As wanting to be white. Since when is wanting an education, to speak well and to present oneself appropriately in a work environment selling out? Okay. I know the answer to that question. Since always. My real question is Why are we still buying into it?

I understand the social need to form community. We come from different cultures, different backgrounds, different locations. Finding people who accept us, where we can be comfortable, is part of living a vital, safe and interesting life. Embracing our cultures, if they are ethnic, regional or personal, helps us define ourselves and gives us an anchor. I really do understand this.

And yet…we are intelligent, complex creatures. Why are we still holding each other up to very specific attitudinal and behavioral standards before granting acceptance? We teach our children that it doesn’t matter if a person is gay or straight, black or white, rich or poor. What matters is who the person is, that the person has a good heart, has integrity, values kindness. At what point in growing up and becoming adults do we forget that? At what point does how a person dresses or speaks or gesticulates become more important than if they are someone you would like to call friend?

Last month, I wrote about living in a polarized society. Guess what? I wasn’t wrong. I just don’t see why we have to keep making it that way. We cannot get rid of racial differences. We will not get rid of economic differences in our lifetimes. And we shouldn’t (in my opinion) get rid of cultural differences. But I truly believe we can get rid of the insistence that the differences are necessary. We just need to decide that no one is “too” anything and that everyone is “enough.” It won’t be easy. But I have faith we can do it.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

May 2008

Ah Poppets…we live in such a polarized society. White-Nonwhite. Male-Female. Gay-Straight. Rich-Poor. Old-Young. And sadly, we tend to see our world through either-or lenses instead of both-and lenses.

For so many of us, in order for us to be right, someone else has to be wrong. As a society, we have a difficult time with there being more than one right, a problem with different being equally valid. Even those of us who believe ourselves to be above such traps fall into them occasionally. I know I do. Hell, recently I was on the receiving end of a blunt, well-phrased and definitely deserved scolding from one of my editors (it wasn't me - ed.) for falling into said trap myself. Had I thought the article was offensive at the time I wrote it? Of course not. Yet, did I realize it was, once it was shown to me from a different perspective? Although it’s embarrassing to admit, I have to say yes. It probably was.

This either-or dynamic gets played out in such ways everyday. In little ways, as in my situation. In big ways, as in the current presidential run. Every single one of us can point to a time when we have been seen and treated as less-than. But, if we are truly honest, every single one of us can point to a time when we have seen and treated a person or group as less-than, as well.

I doubt we’ll ever be perfect and maybe that’s okay. Growth can’t come from perfection. At the same time, we can – all of us, including and starting with myself – stay aware and try to be better. Not out of a sense of privilege-based guilt or status-based victimization but because it’s an appropriate thing to do. If nothing else, both-and is more interesting than either-or. Any day.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you – and each other.

April 2008

Hi Poppets! I’m excited because I’ve been exploring! Finally, I’ve found the Cuff and Purr and the Crypt and…so many places I’m practically aquiver. But I’m also getting ahead of myself…

The first thing I needed was a new hair salon because, while looking fabulous isn’t quite as important as feeling fabulous, let’s face it; it’s a close thing. And finding a salon isn’t easiest thing to do. See, I have long curly hair which is wonderful unless I get a bad cut at which point I look like a poodle mated with Little Orphan Annie. Not a good look. In fact, leaving my old stylist was almost as traumatic as leaving Massachusetts. Luckily for me, my explorations led me to Clay, owner and senior designer of Antonio Melani Salon and Spa.

A small yet elegant shop on Colby Avenue in Everett, Antonio Melani is a dream come true: a talented and knowledgeable staff; an unpretentious yet comfortable atmosphere; and a practically perfect hair cut and dye job. Clay takes his time, asking questions and learning what his clients want. He isn’t afraid to make suggestions but does so without being pushy and will give you whatever you decide on, if it was his suggestion or not. I left looking and feeling fabulous – for a third to a half of the price I would’ve paid downtown.

It was time to explore with confidence and so I did. But Poppets, I’m not nineteen any longer. I can’t live on nightclubs and dive bars alone anymore – although I gave it a good run. However, this development might not be wholly a bad thing when the alternatives are as delightful as the Hi Spot Café in the Madrona neighborhood of Seattle.

Sure, it’s a bit of a drive but so are all of the other Seattle offerings. And on an afternoon when I was a little tired, a little grumpy and a lot in need of a late-afternoon caffeine fix, stumbling into this little café lifted my mood immediately. Mike Walker, proprietor, serves up breakfast, lunch and that much-needed caffeine fix until four in the afternoon every day. The food is delicious and the service just right. But it’s more than that.

The Hi Spot is comfortable, even comforting. The restaurant is cozy without being crowded. It’s the perfect place to linger, people watch, read a book, catch up with a friend, whatever. Consider it an oasis where you can recharge between late nights and dance clubs.

Finding the big places is always great. It makes a town exciting and heady. Finding the little places, though? Well, that’s what makes a town home. I’m glad I’ve found these little places. Check them out next time you’re looking for a little peace and pampering. I think you’ll be glad to find them, too.

March 2008

Hi Poppets! I have a news flash: Gay men aren’t a fashion accessory. This should be obvious but apparently, for some straight women, it’s not. Now, in the interest of full disclosure, I need to tell you I am a fag hag to my dear friend, Rob, back in Massachusetts and I wear the title of fag diva proudly for my friend, Don, down in Florida. Here’s the thing though: we worked on our relationships. First and foremost, we are friends. The labels are secondary and partly tongue in cheek. And I have many gay friends with whom it wouldn’t dawn on either of us to use the term at all.

There is a debate around the term “fag hag” – is it derogatory, is it complimentary, is it a way of life or single relationship? Its very definition is in question. Regardless of how anyone answers those questions though, my issue is the same. Somewhere along the line, a gay friend has become a favored trophy for a straight girl. And I have a problem with that.

A friend of mine recently had to change his email address and shut down his blog because of a cyber stalker. Her justification was that she was a fag hag so it was all okay. He was supposed to ignore the numerous, lengthy, needy emails that flooded his inbox daily. Ignore her sending mail to his place of business addressed to “My Pickle.” Pretend she wasn’t looking for instant intimacy simply because she was a fag hag. Ummm…no.

There are numerous web sites that women can join proclaiming their fag hag status. Most of my gay friends have at least one horror story of being approached at parties or bars by near strangers asking to be, in essence, instant best friends. Sure, we all have communities where we feel more comfortable than in others. Sometimes, that’s the LGBT community for straight women. I get this. Trust me. But, ladies, just because you are comfortable there doesn’t guarantee every man in the room wants to help you shop, dry your tears or pour out his soul while you eat ice cream tomorrow night.

If you consider being a fag hag a title for a single relationship, the way I do, or if you consider it a way of life, it still requires the agreement, consent and affection of the other person. You have to be friends first. You have to get to know him as a person, not as a token. And save the unrequited crushes for movie stars, please. A gay friend isn’t the way to avoid intimacy, isn’t a surrogate boyfriend, isn’t going to love you the moment you walk into his life just because you walked into his life. If that’s what you want, get a dog. Seriously.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.