March 2008

Hi Poppets! I have a news flash: Gay men aren’t a fashion accessory. This should be obvious but apparently, for some straight women, it’s not. Now, in the interest of full disclosure, I need to tell you I am a fag hag to my dear friend, Rob, back in Massachusetts and I wear the title of fag diva proudly for my friend, Don, down in Florida. Here’s the thing though: we worked on our relationships. First and foremost, we are friends. The labels are secondary and partly tongue in cheek. And I have many gay friends with whom it wouldn’t dawn on either of us to use the term at all.

There is a debate around the term “fag hag” – is it derogatory, is it complimentary, is it a way of life or single relationship? Its very definition is in question. Regardless of how anyone answers those questions though, my issue is the same. Somewhere along the line, a gay friend has become a favored trophy for a straight girl. And I have a problem with that.

A friend of mine recently had to change his email address and shut down his blog because of a cyber stalker. Her justification was that she was a fag hag so it was all okay. He was supposed to ignore the numerous, lengthy, needy emails that flooded his inbox daily. Ignore her sending mail to his place of business addressed to “My Pickle.” Pretend she wasn’t looking for instant intimacy simply because she was a fag hag. Ummm…no.

There are numerous web sites that women can join proclaiming their fag hag status. Most of my gay friends have at least one horror story of being approached at parties or bars by near strangers asking to be, in essence, instant best friends. Sure, we all have communities where we feel more comfortable than in others. Sometimes, that’s the LGBT community for straight women. I get this. Trust me. But, ladies, just because you are comfortable there doesn’t guarantee every man in the room wants to help you shop, dry your tears or pour out his soul while you eat ice cream tomorrow night.

If you consider being a fag hag a title for a single relationship, the way I do, or if you consider it a way of life, it still requires the agreement, consent and affection of the other person. You have to be friends first. You have to get to know him as a person, not as a token. And save the unrequited crushes for movie stars, please. A gay friend isn’t the way to avoid intimacy, isn’t a surrogate boyfriend, isn’t going to love you the moment you walk into his life just because you walked into his life. If that’s what you want, get a dog. Seriously.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.