July 2008

Hi Poppets! I admit it, California’s supreme court ruling has me practically mushy. Yes, even cynical, jaded, little ol’ me has a soft inside. Sometimes. But when George Takei, Mr. Sulu himself, can finally get married, well, if that doesn’t get my romantic side in gear, I don’t know what would. As my sister put it, I’m not sure I’ve cared about a celebrity wedding…Ever.

There is another side of California’s ruling, though. One that has nothing to do with warm fuzzies or happily ever after. It’s purely economic. According to a UCLA study, gay marriages could pump over $650 million into California’s economy and create over 2000 new jobs. That’s impressive. At the beginning of a recession, when many small businesses are just hoping to hold on, that’s even more impressive.

Which got me thinking (that cynical, jaded side never goes away for long): How many of these vendors would have welcomed same-sex couples a year ago? Or three? How many would have supported the LGBT community before we were the big economic boom?

I don’t have an answer. But I do know there are vendors here in Washington who do support the community. Right now. In spite of laws that say we can’t actually marry. In spite of the fact that openly supporting us can still cause a backlash. That’s impressive. At the beginning of a recession, when many small businesses are just hoping to hold on, that’s even more impressive.

It’s only a matter of time before the laws change. We will be able to marry the person we love, regardless of gender, here in Washington. I truly believe this. Which makes it more important that we support the businesses – right now – that support us, right now.

Next time you need something, go to www.purpleunions.com or www.gayweddings.com or www.lambda-gay-weddings.com and search for local businesses. Use the caterers you find here for your next office party. Hire these photographers to shoot your family portraits. Take vacations at these bed and breakfasts. Send flowers from these florists to your parents on their anniversary. And if you are going to California, consider paying the extra to have a local officiant come with you. Wouldn’t you rather know the person standing in front of you, anyway?

Our weddings are going to be big business in time. It’s up to us to give these vendors that time. They are the ones who deserve to reap the economic benefit that will eventually come. They are the ones who deserve to still be in business in a year or two or five when they can be our wedding caterer, florist, site, etc. They are the ones who support us. Let’s us support them.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

June 2008

Hi Poppets! Something that I’ve realized is themes tend to show up in several places at once in my life. If I am dealing with an issue, my friends and family are probably dealing with the same issue. And even, occasionally, that theme will show up societally. This time is no different. The theme that is presenting itself right now is the concept of being “too” something or “not enough” something. In other words, stereotypes.

Nationally, we are seeing it in the presidential race. Depending on who you ask, Barack Obama is often seen as “too black.” Think I’m wrong? Check out the interviews out of the West Virginia primary. Not just the results but the interviews themselves. Hillary Clinton has stopped wearing skirts to keep from being seen as “too girly.” Think I’m wrong? Go back to the flap she instigated by wearing a blouse that showed her collarbones during one of the debates. John McCain – John McCain! – is being accused of being both “too conservative” and “too liberal” all at once. Quite a feat for a lifelong, well-established Republican.

Personally, I have black friends who are dealing with being told they are “too white.” I, often, get accused by people who don’t know me well, of trying to be black – which is really the same thing as saying I’m “not white enough.” And currently, my gay male partner, David, is being told he isn’t gay enough by many in the gay community but isn’t straight enough by people in the straight community. My presence simply confuses both factions. Too straight because he has a strong woman as a partner; too gay to have a strong woman as a partner.

Ummmm…Hm. Okay.

Now, as far as David goes, I can understand a certain level of confusion. Here is a gay man who has fallen in love with and chosen to partner with a person and this person is female. I am not the least offended when people ask us questions for clarification or curiosity. It’s when people start getting angry at him and excluding him from his community, when people start accusing me of being nothing more than a fag hag, when people start insisting we meet certain behavioral standards, that I start getting angry back. Especially when, in other circles, people get angry with him for not being “manly” enough and upset with me for being with someone who is “too soft.”

What, after all, is gay enough? Does David have to dress flamboyantly? Use the word “fabulous” all the time? Act and behave like Carson Kressley or Jack from “Will and Grace” to be “gay enough?” Or must he chew down trees and only wear ball caps before he is “straight enough?” Trust me, this man behaves…like himself. He is the same person in a straight crowd, in a gay crowd, in a mixed crowd, and here at home.

And again, we aren’t the only ones facing criticism and judgment for not fitting into stereotypes. A man I know is also facing the “not black enough” issue. He is well spoken, has two degrees, doesn’t use the n-word to describe his friends and wears suits to work. Somehow, this is seen as selling out and not staying real. As wanting to be white. Since when is wanting an education, to speak well and to present oneself appropriately in a work environment selling out? Okay. I know the answer to that question. Since always. My real question is Why are we still buying into it?

I understand the social need to form community. We come from different cultures, different backgrounds, different locations. Finding people who accept us, where we can be comfortable, is part of living a vital, safe and interesting life. Embracing our cultures, if they are ethnic, regional or personal, helps us define ourselves and gives us an anchor. I really do understand this.

And yet…we are intelligent, complex creatures. Why are we still holding each other up to very specific attitudinal and behavioral standards before granting acceptance? We teach our children that it doesn’t matter if a person is gay or straight, black or white, rich or poor. What matters is who the person is, that the person has a good heart, has integrity, values kindness. At what point in growing up and becoming adults do we forget that? At what point does how a person dresses or speaks or gesticulates become more important than if they are someone you would like to call friend?

Last month, I wrote about living in a polarized society. Guess what? I wasn’t wrong. I just don’t see why we have to keep making it that way. We cannot get rid of racial differences. We will not get rid of economic differences in our lifetimes. And we shouldn’t (in my opinion) get rid of cultural differences. But I truly believe we can get rid of the insistence that the differences are necessary. We just need to decide that no one is “too” anything and that everyone is “enough.” It won’t be easy. But I have faith we can do it.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

May 2008

Ah Poppets…we live in such a polarized society. White-Nonwhite. Male-Female. Gay-Straight. Rich-Poor. Old-Young. And sadly, we tend to see our world through either-or lenses instead of both-and lenses.

For so many of us, in order for us to be right, someone else has to be wrong. As a society, we have a difficult time with there being more than one right, a problem with different being equally valid. Even those of us who believe ourselves to be above such traps fall into them occasionally. I know I do. Hell, recently I was on the receiving end of a blunt, well-phrased and definitely deserved scolding from one of my editors (it wasn't me - ed.) for falling into said trap myself. Had I thought the article was offensive at the time I wrote it? Of course not. Yet, did I realize it was, once it was shown to me from a different perspective? Although it’s embarrassing to admit, I have to say yes. It probably was.

This either-or dynamic gets played out in such ways everyday. In little ways, as in my situation. In big ways, as in the current presidential run. Every single one of us can point to a time when we have been seen and treated as less-than. But, if we are truly honest, every single one of us can point to a time when we have seen and treated a person or group as less-than, as well.

I doubt we’ll ever be perfect and maybe that’s okay. Growth can’t come from perfection. At the same time, we can – all of us, including and starting with myself – stay aware and try to be better. Not out of a sense of privilege-based guilt or status-based victimization but because it’s an appropriate thing to do. If nothing else, both-and is more interesting than either-or. Any day.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you – and each other.

April 2008

Hi Poppets! I’m excited because I’ve been exploring! Finally, I’ve found the Cuff and Purr and the Crypt and…so many places I’m practically aquiver. But I’m also getting ahead of myself…

The first thing I needed was a new hair salon because, while looking fabulous isn’t quite as important as feeling fabulous, let’s face it; it’s a close thing. And finding a salon isn’t easiest thing to do. See, I have long curly hair which is wonderful unless I get a bad cut at which point I look like a poodle mated with Little Orphan Annie. Not a good look. In fact, leaving my old stylist was almost as traumatic as leaving Massachusetts. Luckily for me, my explorations led me to Clay, owner and senior designer of Antonio Melani Salon and Spa.

A small yet elegant shop on Colby Avenue in Everett, Antonio Melani is a dream come true: a talented and knowledgeable staff; an unpretentious yet comfortable atmosphere; and a practically perfect hair cut and dye job. Clay takes his time, asking questions and learning what his clients want. He isn’t afraid to make suggestions but does so without being pushy and will give you whatever you decide on, if it was his suggestion or not. I left looking and feeling fabulous – for a third to a half of the price I would’ve paid downtown.

It was time to explore with confidence and so I did. But Poppets, I’m not nineteen any longer. I can’t live on nightclubs and dive bars alone anymore – although I gave it a good run. However, this development might not be wholly a bad thing when the alternatives are as delightful as the Hi Spot Café in the Madrona neighborhood of Seattle.

Sure, it’s a bit of a drive but so are all of the other Seattle offerings. And on an afternoon when I was a little tired, a little grumpy and a lot in need of a late-afternoon caffeine fix, stumbling into this little café lifted my mood immediately. Mike Walker, proprietor, serves up breakfast, lunch and that much-needed caffeine fix until four in the afternoon every day. The food is delicious and the service just right. But it’s more than that.

The Hi Spot is comfortable, even comforting. The restaurant is cozy without being crowded. It’s the perfect place to linger, people watch, read a book, catch up with a friend, whatever. Consider it an oasis where you can recharge between late nights and dance clubs.

Finding the big places is always great. It makes a town exciting and heady. Finding the little places, though? Well, that’s what makes a town home. I’m glad I’ve found these little places. Check them out next time you’re looking for a little peace and pampering. I think you’ll be glad to find them, too.

March 2008

Hi Poppets! I have a news flash: Gay men aren’t a fashion accessory. This should be obvious but apparently, for some straight women, it’s not. Now, in the interest of full disclosure, I need to tell you I am a fag hag to my dear friend, Rob, back in Massachusetts and I wear the title of fag diva proudly for my friend, Don, down in Florida. Here’s the thing though: we worked on our relationships. First and foremost, we are friends. The labels are secondary and partly tongue in cheek. And I have many gay friends with whom it wouldn’t dawn on either of us to use the term at all.

There is a debate around the term “fag hag” – is it derogatory, is it complimentary, is it a way of life or single relationship? Its very definition is in question. Regardless of how anyone answers those questions though, my issue is the same. Somewhere along the line, a gay friend has become a favored trophy for a straight girl. And I have a problem with that.

A friend of mine recently had to change his email address and shut down his blog because of a cyber stalker. Her justification was that she was a fag hag so it was all okay. He was supposed to ignore the numerous, lengthy, needy emails that flooded his inbox daily. Ignore her sending mail to his place of business addressed to “My Pickle.” Pretend she wasn’t looking for instant intimacy simply because she was a fag hag. Ummm…no.

There are numerous web sites that women can join proclaiming their fag hag status. Most of my gay friends have at least one horror story of being approached at parties or bars by near strangers asking to be, in essence, instant best friends. Sure, we all have communities where we feel more comfortable than in others. Sometimes, that’s the LGBT community for straight women. I get this. Trust me. But, ladies, just because you are comfortable there doesn’t guarantee every man in the room wants to help you shop, dry your tears or pour out his soul while you eat ice cream tomorrow night.

If you consider being a fag hag a title for a single relationship, the way I do, or if you consider it a way of life, it still requires the agreement, consent and affection of the other person. You have to be friends first. You have to get to know him as a person, not as a token. And save the unrequited crushes for movie stars, please. A gay friend isn’t the way to avoid intimacy, isn’t a surrogate boyfriend, isn’t going to love you the moment you walk into his life just because you walked into his life. If that’s what you want, get a dog. Seriously.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

February 2008

Hi Poppets. It’s an interesting time, isn’t it? Marriage. Civil unions. Domestic partnership. The great debate. States are scrambling. Congress is scrambling. Presidential candidates are scrambling.

In my opinion, they’ve gotten it right in Massachusetts. Same-sex couples can marry or register as domestic partners. Opposite-sex couples can marry or register as domestic partners. The laws, quite simply, apply to everyone.

It’s different here in Washington. Here, same-sex couples cannot marry but they can register as domestic partners. Opposite-sex couples can marry but they cannot register as domestic partners (unless one of them is over 62 years old.) If you are lesbian or gay and have made a run to Canada or MA, your spouse has no rights but your domestic partner does. If you are straight, your partner has no rights but your spouse does.

There’s something very wrong with this picture.

I have been a human and civil rights activist for a long time now. I have issues that mean more to me, of course, yet if it can fall into the “rights” category, I feel strongly about it. But let’s face it, Poppets: I’m privileged. I’m white. I’m straight. I’ve never been less than middle-class and have spent most of my life upper-middle class. All the sympathy and activism in my heart and in my actions cannot change the fact that societal norms are stacked in my favor. To the point that, if we cannot live in an equal and fair society, since we do not live in a world without privilege, I can and must admit it’s my turn – the turn of the straight, white folks.

Luckily, because I am aware of my privilege and do feel the way I feel, today wasn’t the shock it might have been. Today, for the first time, the laws of my state and my country do not protect me. They do not apply to me. They actively exclude me. You see, I am partnered – deeply, committedly partnered – but not married. And apparently, straight folks are supposed to be married.

Because I haven’t taken my privilege for granted in years, I recognize the pain being denied a right can cause. Because I have been sympathetic for years, I have seen first hand as confusion turns to frustration, turns to anger. What I learned today, though, is that sympathy has nothing on empathy.

So this is what it feels like to have your choices, your status, your very self be negated and invalidated by the law. So this is what it does to your heart, your spirit, your soul to be told that you don’t count. To be told that you cannot care for the person you love; that you cannot make decisions for him should he get sick; that he cannot visit you should you need him. That you cannot see your step-son. That he isn’t even really your step-son. That another person, who has her own agenda, who only wants to exert her power because she can, is more legitimate and more valid than you are.

Honestly, it’s good for me. I wish there was some way, some possible way, for all of us who carry privilege to experience this. If it kicked me in the gut this hard and was such a wake-up for someone like me, imagine the changes it could make in a society who is, for the most part, oblivious.

For now, though, I’ve learned how it feels.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

January 2008

Hello Poppets! Greetings from Everett, Washington, my new home. Ah…Everett…where most kitchens close by ten p.m.; where most bars are sports bars; where I cannot for the life of me figure out the hours of the Castle. Jaunts into Seattle have been delightful. Everett itself has caused some culture shock for this city girl, I admit it.

Until the other night. The other night, David and I were in need of a change of scenery and a cocktail. There had to be somewhere…interesting, quirky, different…in Everett. And so there is. The Anchor Bar at the very end of Hewitt.

Now, first the disclaimers: I have only been there once and, since David and I present as a hetero couple, I can’t vouch for its LGBT friendliness. If you have information that is counter to this article, please pass it along. I will research it and get back to you. What I can tell you is that the Anchor Bar is, however, alt-friendly. Because although I live on the fringes of the LGBT community, I live smack in the middle of the alt community and my first thought when we walked in was “Yeah, this works.”

The walls are covered with pin-up art (lots of Betty Page – gotta love Betty Page!) and photos of the place going back to the ‘40s. The weekend before we were there, they had hosted a burlesque holiday show. Once a month, they have something called The Rockabilly Rumble. The train runs by, not twenty feet away, rattling the glasses, the bottles, the stools – everything but the regulars.

Those regulars ranged in age from mid-twenties to Jesus-how-old-do-you-think-he-is? There was a guy in biker leathers and another guy in a ball cap. The bartender, Heather, managed to balance being friendly and letting us be, perfectly, which is no small feat to pull off with the newbies in a neighborhood bar. They had my favorite vodka; David’s favorite scotch; and our favorite rum. A hat trick without having to be in a sports bar!

Currently, it’s under construction so it looks more than a little scary both inside and out. Honestly, though, I expect it was a dive bar before the construction and will continue to be a dive bar after the construction. I hope so anyway. Because it’s a dive bar with a quirky character and an unusual atmosphere. In Everett, nonetheless. Yeah, I’ll take that.

So, if you find yourself in Everett on a night the Castle is closed, stop in at the Anchor. The pour is good and the bartender is great. And if you happen to see me, come on up and introduce yourself.

Until then, Poppets, take care of you.