December Extra - The December Project

Hey Poppets, this is a slightly different article than I usually write. My usual In The Mix style article is here, too, so consider this a PSA of sorts. While the holidays are a joyous time for many of us, for others, not so much. For some of us, the holidays can be a reminder of how alone we feel. And for a transgendered person, that loneliness can be even more magnified. It was out of the understanding of this loneliness that The December Project was born.

The December Project is run and staffed by Jennifer Finney Boylan (national co-chair of GLAAD), Mara Keisling (director of the National Center of Transgender Equality), Dylan Scholinski (director of Sent(a)mental Studios), and Helen Boyd (professor at Lawrence University). Two transgendered women, a transgendered man, and the spouse of a transgendered woman, they are uniquely qualified to understand how important a friendly voice can be. The December Project is based on providing that friendly voice to transgendered men and women, and anyone who loves a transgendered person.

Here’s how it works: If you are transgendered, or the partner of someone who is transgendered, and could use a supportive, caring phone call, be in touch with Jenny Finney Boylan. She can be reached at jb@jenniferboylan.net. Email her your name and phone number and one of the four of them will give you a call sometime in the month of December. Know your information will be kept completely confidential, so you don’t have to worry about it if you aren’t out or open. Also, keep in mind that this is a friendly phone call, not therapy. If you are in crisis, call the suicide prevention hotline at -1-800-273-8255. This is about spreading a little happiness, reassuring you that you are loved just the way you are, and building good memories of the holiday season.

If you want more information, you can get it here: http://www.jenniferboylan.net/2013/11/23/trans-holidays-got-you-down-we-will-call-you-on-the-phone/ And if you are someone, anyone, who is lonely this time of year, remember, I think you’re pretty great. None of us are as alone as we feel. The December Project is a great reminder of that. Happy Holidays, Poppets.

December 2013

It’s December, Poppets, and that means my almost-annual article on giving. In the past, I have written about what to give. I’ve even written about how to give. This year, let’s chat about where to give. First, let’s start with the usual caveats – if you aren’t giving this year, for whatever reasons, fine. You know your budget and your heart better than I do, and I won’t judge that. And if you have a favorite charity you like, great! But if you’re looking, maybe I can help.

                  

First, those red Salvation Army buckets outside every store…About those – in case you don’t know, the Salvation Army is notoriously anti-LGBTQ. They try to cloak it in neutrality, but only so long as the LGBTQ person is celibate. If you actually act on your orientation and attraction, they aren’t so neutral any longer. So, try not to drop your spare change in those red buckets, even though they are convenient. Instead, if you want to give to a national organization with a local focus, consider Goodwill Industries of Seattle, with a shop here in Bellingham (http://seattlegoodwill.org/shop/locations/bellingham), United Way of Whatcom County (http://www.unitedwaywhatcom.org/) or Volunteers of America of Western Washington (http://www.voaww.org/). Like the Salvation Army, all three were originally founded through faith-based initiatives, but, unlike SA, all three have evolved to stress including and embracing all people. Each is in need of donations year-round, but especially at the holidays. Contact any of these organizations for details on specific holiday donation needs.

           

If, however, you’d like to stay laser-focused on local charities, that’s easier than you make think. First, the organization Gender Diversity offers support to and education about gender identity/nonconformity. They are based in Seattle, and offer classes and groups here in Bellingham. Unfortunately, this article missed their big November double donation push by a month, but somehow I think they would still appreciate whatever you have to offer. Contact them for more information at www.genderdiversity.org, info@genderdiversity.org, or 1-855-443-6337 (1-855-4GENDER).

           

The Sean Humphries House, right here in Bellingham. The Sean Humphries House provides supported housing arrangements for low-income adults living with HIV/AIDS. The House has year-round donation needs, but also has a list of special holiday requests, if you want to specialize your giving. Their list of requests, and more contact information, can be found at http://www.seanhumphreyhouse.org/ or by calling 360-733-0176.

           

If you want to focus specifically on youth, consider one of these two programs: Amy’s Place for Youth or Northwest Youth Services. While neither of them are exclusively LGBTQ-centric, both are accepting and inclusive.

           

Amy’s Place is a drop-in center for homeless and street-involved youth in Bellingham. Open on Friday and Saturday evenings, it gives teens a safe place to be, get a shower, grab some food, talk to someone. Just be off the street for a few hours. The anti-bullying codes are strict and explicitly include sexuality and orientation. Their budget is tight right now, so every little bit helps. Find out more at http://www.amysplaceforyouth.org or 360-671-5567.

           

Finally, Northwest Youth Services has been providing services for homeless and endangered young people since 1976. They have several programs geared toward fostering self-sufficiency, including the Queer Youth Project, which provides a safe and positive environment for LGBTQ kids and their allies in Whatcom County. Find them here: http://www.nwys.org/about-us/ or call them here: 360-734-9862. 

           

There you go, Poppets. Some places you might not have thought about now that it’s the season of giving. Give a little, give a lot, give what you can – these organizations will be grateful and will use what you give wisely. 

Until next month – until next year – Poppets, take care of you, and each other.

November 1, 2013

If you’ve been reading this column for any length of time, Poppets, then you are probably expecting a Thanksgiving article. Perhaps not a traditional one, but one nonetheless. The last thing I want to do is disappoint.

              

While I have a problem with the mythos behind Thanksgiving, I do use the month as a reminder. A time to be deliberately aware of the many reasons I have to be thankful. Because, try as I might, to be aware and deliberate the rest of the year, it is easy to become distracted and complacent. Whereas November forces me to take inventory of my blessings. So, in the spirit of giving thanks – if not Thanksgiving itself – I give you the First Five Reasons I Am Grateful This November.

1.      The LGBTQ peoples who have come before – and come out before – us. Who paved the way for us to have any chance of living safe, open, self-actualized lives. Being out is a privilege many still don’t carry, but none of us would if it weren’t for those who came before.

2.      Allies. True allies. The ones who listen, as well as speak. The ones who speak even when it’s unpopular. The ones who face personal and professional backlash – and speak anyway.

3.      Moderate politicians. The men and women who are willing to acknowledge that their party, their viewpoint, their background, is not the only valid perspective. That we are a nation of great diversity, and embracing that will get us further than petulance.

4.      The democratic process. I know, it seems to not be working really well recently. But I am grateful for it anyway. I’m grateful for the opportunity that arises every two, four, or six years for us, as a society, to take a step back, move away from the cliff, admit our mistakes, and elect someone else to office. That when a wave of insanity sweeps a state, or a region, it doesn’t have to be permanent or require armed revolution – at least not so far.

5.      And finally, Betty Desire. Yep, our beloved Betty. Whose voice has never wavered. Who provides a platform for so many of us (often for more years than we’d like to admit). Who is a safe place, if you are out and proud, or questioning and scared, and everything in between. Who offers love and acceptance – all while rocking pearls Barbara Bush would adore.

There you go, Poppets. My first November five. Because however you feel about Thanksgiving, giving thanks is a good thing.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you – and each other.

October 1, 2013

As I wrote about last month, Poppets, October is LGBTQ History Month. While this is still very exciting to me, October is also Domestic Violence Awareness Month. As any long-time readers of The Betty Pages will tell you, it is a subject that is near and dear to my heart. Because, contrary to what many people believe, domestic violence does indeed occur in our community.

              

While there are many similarities between domestic violence in the LGBTQ community and the straight community, there are some distinct differences, as well. Domestic violence between a man and woman is illegal in all 50 states. For us, some states still explicitly exclude same-sex relationships from their domestic violence laws. Statistically, gay men and lesbians are more likely to fight back against their abuser than straight women are. Unfortunately, police are also more likely to see an incident of domestic violence as a mutual fight, instead of the act of abuse it is. Outing a partner is a threat that is both very real and exclusive to the LGBTQ spectrum. The use of the word “it” against a transgendered partner, or denigrating a transgendered person’s body, is as abusive as any fist – but is only rarely considered an actual threat.

              

If you think you may be in an abusive situation, or if you think someone you care about may be in an abusive relationship, first, know it’s real. As much as we wish it wasn’t so, domestic violence does occur in our community. Admitting it and reporting it is not a betrayal against the abuser – or the community. And yes, there are services available, even to us.

              

The Northwest Network is based out of Seattle. They’re open Monday-Friday, 9:00 am to 5:00 pm and can be reached during those hours at (206) 568-7777 or TTY (206) 517-9670. If you leave a message, they will call you back if it is safe for them to do so. (http://nwnetwork.org/)

              

The YWCA of Clark County in Vancouver, Washington offers SafeChoice LGBTQ Programs that address the specific issues of our community. They have a 24-hour crisis line: 360 695 0501 and will accept collect phone calls. They also have a toll-free number: 800 695 0167.  You can call 24-hours a day for advice, resources, or just support. (http://ywcaclarkcounty.com/help/safechoice)

              

Skagit Domestic Violence & Sexual Assault Services is officially an LGBTQ safe space and has information and resources targeted to us. They also run a 24-hour crisis line: 1 (888) 336-9591. (http://www.skagitdvsas.org/)

              

Whoever you call, please reach out and call someone. You are not alone. You don’t have to be afraid any more – this month, or any other.

              

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you – and each other.

September 1, 2013

I feel a little foolish, Poppets. October is LGBT(Q) History Month here in the U.S. – has been since 1994 – and I had no idea. I knew National Coming Out Day was October 11^th, but the whole month being dedicated to our history? No clue. For those of you who knew this already, feel free to skip this article altogether. But for those of you who didn’t know, here’s what I’ve learned…

           

In 1994, Missouri high school teacher, Rodney Wilson, had the idea that our community should have its own history month. He was able to garner support from local community leaders and organizations and the idea spread. Soon, it was recognized by national organizations including GLAAD and the National Education Association. By 2006, Equality Forum had taken over responsibility for developing content, raising awareness, and spreading our history. All thanks to a high school teacher from Missouri.

           

Every October, Equality Forum chooses thirty-one leaders – icons – from the LGBTQ community and focuses on their contributions, both to us, and to the world at large. Every day of the month, a new biography is highlighted. It’s an opportunity for people to learn about leaders, role models, and contributors who, yes, also happen to be gay/lesbian/transgendered/bisexual/queer. The focus is on their achievements. How they have made the world a better, safer, more interesting place. As with Black History Month (February) and Women’s History Month (March) it teaches people, who might not otherwise realize, that things we enjoy, value, even take for granted, were brought to us by members of the LGBTQ community. It reminds people we are human beings with strengths and talents and gifts, just like straight people. It reminds people we matter. Just like straight people.

           

I’m giving you a month, Poppets. Let’s think about how we can celebrate our achievements. The website has this year’s list of icons. It also offers some suggestions for ways to acknowledge the month.

           

And allow me to make a suggestion of my own – social media. Almost all of us have a Facebook page, a twitter account, a tumblr/blogger/reddit username. Let’s use them! Get the word out. Link back to the website. Write your own posts. Highlight the icons. All the biographies and images of the icons on the website are free for reprint, republication, and dissemination. They’ve made it easy for us; let’s thank them, and the people being honored, by boosting the signal.

           

Finally, in preparation of next year, you can even nominate an icon to be honored in 2014. Check out the website. Throw a party. Write a post. Attend a lecture. Hell, this may be the one time I can get behind changing a Facebook avatar! You’ll find all kinds of ideas here: http://lgbthistorymonth.com/.

           

The most important thing, though, is for us to learn our history. To be reminded. It’s easy to get beaten down. To begin to believe the vitriol. To start to think we really are less-than. But every year, here are thirty-one people who refuse to be less-than, or to live in a less-than world. Embrace them. Remember.

           

Until next month – our month - Poppets, take care of you.

August 1, 2013

Have you noticed, Poppets, that the latest salvo in the war against LGBTQ people is now that they've won, let's see if they are willing to give the same tolerance that they demanded from the people who disagreed with them or thereabout. That's the gist of it anyway: tolerance and disagreement. This argument has made me almost speechless. But that’s the key word: almost. I have managed to gather my thoughts and my words and form a response. Let’s break this whole concept down, shall we?

            

First, the idea that we’ve “won.” Usually, this is reference is to the DOMA repeal. Which was wonderful. It was an amazing and necessary step. It was, however, just that – a step. All the repeal of DOMA accomplished was allowing marriage equality in states that didn’t already outlaw it. It didn’t require all states to grant marriage equality. It didn’t even require all states to recognize marriage equality in other states. And it certainly didn’t address employment, homelessness, a culture of violence, adoption, access of services, or any number of non-marriage related issues faced by the LGBTQ community every day. But we “won.” Please. Tell me how something that only applies to a small part of a larger issue, and doesn’t even apply to it nationally, counts as winning anything.

            

Second, the idea that we were ever granted tolerance, even as we demanded it. The whole reason we are having to fight this in the first place is because there was no tolerance. Anyone who wants to codify, through legislation or constitutional amendment, the second-class status of another group of people isn’t tolerating anything. I have lost count of the number of times people who claimed to be “tolerant” insisted that David and I want special rights. We don’t. None of us do. We want acknowledgement that we have the same rights that straight, cis-gendered people take for granted every day. Insisting we want special rights, and using that specialness to deny us those rights, isn’t tolerating anything.

            

Third, and finally, the fact that we all “disagreed.” Really? Is that what we did? We disagreed? No. A disagreement is wanting burgers instead of pizza for dinner. A disagreement is routing for the New York Giants over the New England Patriots. A disagreement can even be thinking we need to put more money into defense rather than into education. A disagreement is not trying to legislate the very humanity of a group of people.

            

The people who spewed hate now want the same level of tolerance they offered us. Part of me really wants to give it to them. Instead, I will speak with my pocket book. I will get my coffee from Starbucks and shop at JC Penney or Target. I will skip the movie adaptation of Orson Scott Card’s Ender’s Game and get my chicken sandwiches somewhere other than Chick Fil’A.

But more importantly, Poppets, let’s all of us not see the repeal of DOMA as a win, but as a step. Let’s refuse to accept almost-good-as. Let’s refuse to confuse tolerance with equality.

            

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

July 1, 2013

I’m a little stunned, Poppets. This article is supposed to be about summer and family vacations and wonderful places to take the kids, but still be able to be open. While I knew there weren’t going to be huge numbers of places, what has stunned me is the real dearth of options at all. Apparently, we can go on a gay vacation without our kids, or we can go to a straight resort with our kids, but there are very few options where we can be out with our kids. Hell, even Disney’s Gay Days are debatably family friendly, at best, and controversial at worst. Now, while I have inadvertently uncovered a brilliant business opportunity for someone, I have also managed to dig up a few options. Sadly, I haven’t experienced any of these first-hand, but reviews and word-of-mouth are solid. As always, if you have a different experience, please let me know and I will correct myself here!

First, for those of you who enjoy camping and want to reconnect with your kids in nature, there are options here in Oregon and down in Washington, both. And, in spite of my disclaimer in the above paragraph, I have spoken with both of these camps myself and have been assured they are indeed LGBTQ friendly. In Oregon, check out Umpqua’s Last Resort in Dry Creek along the North Umpqua River. Gay owned, gay friendly, they offer campgrounds, cabins, and an RV park if you travel with your house on wheels. Plus, lots of activities for all ages. They will even arrange spa services if being in the great outdoors gets to be just a little too much. 115 Elk Ridge Lane, Oregon Scenic Hwy 138, Mile Post 47 at Dry Creek, Idleyld Park, Oregon and can be reached at 541-498-2500 or info@golastresort.com

In Washington, try Offut Lake Resort in Tenino. For fishing, boating, hanging out on the dock, or lazing away a day under a shady tree, this is the place for the whole family. Tackle and fishing licenses are available onsite, too. Cabins are often reserved well in advance, but they are offered, along with campsites and RV spots. 4005 120^th Avenue SE, Tenino, Washington. 360-264-2438 or becky@offutlakeresort.com

For those of us who aren’t quite as outdoorsy, R Family Vacations is the travel agency we’ve been looking for. When they recognized the dearth of options for LGBTQ families, they did something about it themselves. They offer national and international tours, ranches, and cruises for the whole family. This is the perfect setting for straight parents with LGBTQ kids, for LGBTQ parents with straight kids, or for mixed extended families who want to vacation together where everybody can feel equally comfortable. www.rfamilyvacations.com or 917-522-0985

Finally, for those of us who fall somewhere in between – we want the outdoors experiences, but don’t necessarily want to be left to our own devices – there is an option! Camp It Up in California is summer camp for everyone, not just the kids. Organized activities, meals, and evening programs, it’s summer camp like you remember, only better and with your whole family. This year, camp runs from July 27- August 4^th. If you missed out on registering though, they offer winter camp, at Lake Tahoe, so you haven’t missed out at all. 6745 Moore Drive, Oakland. www.campitup.org

No, Poppets, we don’t have as many options as we’d like, but we do have them. So, grab your kids, get away for a night or a week. They’re only this age for a short time. Enjoy them.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

June 1, 2013

It’s Pride Month, Poppets! How did we get here already? Wasn’t it just yesterday that we were celebrating the winter holidays? Yet here we are: Pride.

I’ve been thinking about that word, recently – Pride. What does it mean and how do we show it? Can you have pride and still be closeted? Can you have pride and reject labels? Can you have pride and accept someone who is closeted? The answer I have come to, for myself, is yes.

Margaret Cho recently advocated outing people – specifically celebrities – because the only reason you wouldn’t out someone is if you thought there was something wrong with being LGBTQ. Let me tell you how much I love her mindset. Seriously. No snark or sarcasm here. I love this idea. This concept. I love the thought of being able to shout our orientations from the rooftops and having it simply not matter. Because, like so many other LGBTQ people I know, I want it to not matter. I don’t want cookies or kudos or praise. I want it to not matter, the same way my hair being brown and my dislike of mushrooms don’t matter.

The problem is though, it does matter. Everyone I know who is still closeted is closeted for a legitimate reason. Not shame. Not concern that it “might” matter. Not embarrassment. Everyone I know who is still closeted has pride – in themselves, their partners, their orientations, their lives. And each one of them would face dangerous levels of discrimination if they were to come out. Or be outed.

Being out is a privilege. Often it is a hard fought, hard earned privilege, and I will never minimize that. Coming out is not yet easy, regardless of how many feel good stories we read about wonderful, lovingly indifferent parents. I am not saying that people who came out had it easy. There was, however, something that made it possible for them to take that step, and not all of us have that something.

Visibility does not equal acceptance. Ask women, or people of color, or the physically handicapped how well visibility has worked to erase the discrimination they face. Ask the teens and young adults who are bullied and beaten and tortured for their perceived orientation how visibility helped them.

To blame the person is wrong. To out the person is wrong. And yes, I get that Margaret Cho was talking about celebrities, who live in a different kind of a world, a special bubble, which most of us don’t get to live in. But the concept is the same, and it’s still wrong.

I long for the day when coming out or being outed is a nonevent. Where visibility matters. We aren’t there yet. Yes, I believe we are getting there and we are closer than ever before. But we aren’t there yet. Hurting each other – even risking that hurt – by outing each other isn’t the way to get there. That isn’t Pride. I don’t know what that is, but it isn’t Pride.

Enjoy your month, Poppets. Enjoy your Pride. Have Pride. And if you can do so openly and without too much fear, be grateful and don’t judge others too harshly.

Until next month, take care of you – and each other.

May 1, 2013

In case you hadn't noticed, Poppets, I have been silent recently on same-sex marriage. There's a reason for that. If you've been reading my articles for any length of time, you know I am a proponent of marriage equality. I'm a proponent of all kinds of equality, have even written about marriage equality here before, which is why I think many people have been confused by my recent silence.

            

First, let me say that I am still in favor of marriage equality. The benefits that will be bestowed upon couples once we acknowledge this basic right are vital. They are indeed rights, which means the debate should be moot, because humans cannot bestow rights on other humans; they simply exist. So, no, I haven't changed my mind about marriage equality and still believe in it. Strongly.

            

But here's the thing – I am distressed and angry over how all-encompassing it has become. Just as I have written about my support of marriage equality, I have also written of my anger over the fact that we, as a community, cannot seem to stay focused long enough to care about anything else. To change anything else. We weren't able to support McDonald's or JC Penney when they supported us. Why should I have faith we can stay focused on everything else beyond marriage equality that still needs to happen. Because there is so much else that still needs to happen.

            

Marriage equality will not end bullying in schools. Will not protect people from being fired, or evicted, or beaten. Will not prevent parents from disowning their LGBTQ children. Will not keep parents from losing custody in divorce proceedings. Will not address the homelessness faced by LGBTQ youth. Will not allow transgendered men and women to be respected as their correct gender, regardless of the bodies they were born into. Marriage equality would not have even prevented the man who was arrested last month for refusing to leave his partner's hospital room. They each had the other's medical power of attorney. Legally, he was the person who was supposed to be making those decisions anyway, married or not. He was still arrested.

            

Tell me again how important marriage equality is?

            

Now, Poppets, I want to be wrong. I want this to be the first step. I want us to achieve this goal and rally around the next one. I want this to be the issue that unites us, that actually makes us the community we claim to be. And if that is how it works, I will stand on every mountaintop I can find and shout that I was wrong. Okay. Maybe that's a bit melodramatic. I will, however, step up and announce it here. With great happiness.

           

I just don't think I'm going to be wrong. I think – I fear – we are going to get this milestone and then...forget. We will have gotten what we wanted and we will move on, without much thought to the bullies, or the employers, or the landlords, or the parents. To the LGBTQ people who really haven't been able to think about marriage because they were trying to get by day to day. Every now and then, we will change our facebook avatars so we can feel good about ourselves, but this level of engagement? This level of commitment? I don't believe we will keep it up.

            

Life and death. Legal recognition. Basic human dignity. Respect. The ability to put food on our family's tables. Rally around these issues, Poppets. Rally around them the way we've rallied around marriage. Children are dying, bullied to the point of suicide, and even flat out murdered.

            

Tell me again how important marriage equality is?

            

Look, I'm not saying marriage isn't important. I'm not. I believe it is. We just cannot let it be the only important thing, the most important thing. Let's use it as a first step, a really solid starting point. And then let's get things done. We can do this, Poppets. Prove me wrong. Please.

            

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you – and each other.

April 13

 Like many people, Poppets, I have a love-hate relationship with labels. On the one hand, life is a lot easier when we can use a word or two and be on the same page. On the other hand, too often labels are used to pigeonhole us, to confine us. To label us. Yes, I am a rubenesque, Pagan, cis-sexual, non-gender binary conforming, liberal-leaning, Southern, married, Bostonian brunette who dyes her hair red. But I’m also just…me. See the issue? That first paragraph tells you far more about me than the second one, but the second one is far more complete.

Which brings us to the issue I have with talking about “the LGBTQ community.” What exactly do we mean when we talk about that? Sure, we mean lesbians, gays, bi-sexuals, transgendered people, and queers. However, anyone who knows much about sociological spectrums knows that there are far more than five points on any scale. Thus, I have come to appreciate the word “queer.”

Now, I know for many people, queer is an insult. This is not to invalidate or negate that. It was for me for a long time as well. I considered it a word we could not reclaim, regardless of our best intentions, akin to the n-word for black people or “girl” for women. A word that was too derogatory for too long – still currently, even – for us to ever be able to adopt it without the stigma hanging over it. If you still feel that way, I get it and you have my respect around it. However, my feelings on this have changed.

For me, the word queer has come to include every point on the spectrum, not just the four LGBT points. You can be a gay man, or a non-transitioning, lesbian, transgendered woman and both be “queer.” I have written here before about the prejudices bisexuals often face, and the biases against bi-gendered people. Non-transitioning transgendered people struggle for acceptance and validation. I have friends who, while they are indeed gay men, reject the implications of the word gay. I have lesbian friends who have been called out for identifying themselves as gay when they “are really lesbians.” The label we adopted in order to include us all has become something we use to exclude each other instead. If we don’t fit neatly into our label, our specific alphabet soup, we can be more easily outcast. More easily judged. And really, isn’t that what we were trying to end in the first place?

So I have come to embrace “queer.” Queer includes the whole non-heterostandard spectrum, regardless of sexual identity, regardless of gender identity, regardless of comfy settling into accepted alphabet soup. Queer says enough. It labels enough. We can be on the same page, without pigeonholing ourselves or each other. It works the way labels are supposed to work, by making us freer instead of holding us back. And that’s a label I can live with.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

March 1, 2013

As an ally, I had a wake-up call this past month, Poppets, in the form of two separate events, a thousand miles apart. One took place among people from the Pacific Northwest. The other, among people from the Louisiana and Mississippi. Let’s start with the happy one…

           

David and I were out one night when we met three women. Two, Sarah and Trisha (not their real names), were a young couple. The third was Mama, Sarah’s mother. Sarah and Trisha were young, articulate, happy, ambitious, gorgeous, you name it. They were confident in themselves, each other, and their place in the world. Mama spoke of both of them with great pride, telling us about each of their accomplishments and goals. As the evening wore on, Trisha invited us to her family’s picnic the next weekend. Her mom would be cooking and her dad always had a couple kegs of beer. It was a huge event with friends and family from all over. Mama could drive us all in and drive us home again. It was the epitome of family and love and hospitality at its finest. And yes, two young lesbians were at its core. Now, I admit, I don’t know their story. I don’t know if coming out and acceptance was easy or hard, loving or painful. I can tell you that the kind of confidence and comfort these two young women have does not grow in a vacuum. If it was hard or easy, they know they are loved and supported by their families and friends. They have the strength of knowing they are okay behind them, and that’s a powerful gift.

           

Which brings us to the second event. A friend of mine, who happens to be a gay, Black man, got into a discussion with acquaintances of his. One of these people made racially derogatory and anti-gay statements. My friend called him out on them. Not rudely, but appropriately. The situation escalated until the bigot stormed off in a huff. At which point, the rest of the group got on my friend’s case about hurting the other man’s feelings. About not embracing the teaching moment. About being divisive instead of inclusive.

           

Really? A straight, white man says nasty things about gay people and people of color and his feelings are the ones to be considered? Again, let me be clear. This wasn’t someone making a good faith effort or who spoke out of ignorance and was willing to learn. This was someone who used derogatory language and then escalated when he was told he was being inappropriate. But the gay, Black man should watch his tone.

           

Neither of these events is particularly noteworthy, or surprising. Until I tell you that Trisha and Sarah are from Mississippi and Louisiana, and the group who were more concerned about the bigot were the ones from the Pacific Northwest. That’s when it becomes a wake-up call.

           

We need to remember, each one of us is an ally to someone, in that each one of us carries privilege somewhere. Maybe you are gay, but male. Female, but able-bodied. A person of color, but straight. Each of us is an ally to someone. But this doesn’t give us carte blanche to pat ourselves on the backs and know we’re “the good guys” because we’re aware, or we reject out and out prejudice, or because we hang out with the other good guys. Just because we’re from the “right” part of the country, or we don’t run around using slurs, doesn’t make us the good guys. Being part of one marginalized group doesn’t absolve us from having to be sensitive to another. How are we raising our lesbian daughters? Our transgendered sons? How are we treating our children’s Black boyfriend or their Hispanic girlfriend? In situations where we have the privilege, who are we more concerned about? The person who was rude? Or the person who defended themselves?

           

It’s easy to stop asking ourselves these questions. It’s easy to rest on our laurels and point the finger at others. Too easy, Poppets. So this month, let’s not rest. Let’s take note of the times and places where we have privilege and make sure we are actually being allies, not just claiming to be. Let’s stop lumping everyone together and making assumptions. Let’s work on making our corner of the world a safer place, by starting with ourselves.

           

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

February 2013

February means Valentine’s Day, Poppets, which can be delightful or dreadful, depending on your outlook. For me, personally, I love it. When I was single, it was a great day to pamper myself, hang out with my friends, and eat chocolate. Now that I’m married, it’s a great day to pamper David, hang out with my best friend, and eat chocolate. I do recognize, however, that I am a bit unusual in this way. However, single or partnered, I’m about to make your Valentine’s Day more delightful and less dreadful. No love coupons. No heart-shaped chocolates or stuffed bears. Not even gas station roses. Ideas that actually work, for your partner, or yourself.

For the traditionalist, it’s hard to beat flowers. Sure, they are an old standby. A little clichéd even. That doesn’t make them bad. Consider them classic. Mix it up a little bit, though. Instead of roses, buy a bouquet of several different flowers, all in the same color. Or buy a single flower for each room. Or go with flowers for their meanings. If you are buying for a partner, know these: pansies for loving thoughts; ranunculus for radiance; sunflower for adoration; and passion flower for, well, passion. If you are buying for yourself, consider these: aster for contentment; gardenia for joy; Casablanca lily for celebration; and my favorite, gerbera daisies for cheerfulness.

For the person who loves to be pampered, bath products are your friends. If you already love baths, great. If not, trust me on this one. If you are building a bath for your sweetie, or putting it together for yourself, start with a nice candle. It doesn’t have to be one of the $20 deals at a boutique. It can be from the grocery store. And it doesn’t have to be fruity or flowery. They have all kinds of scents these days, from linen to pine, to cologne. Find a scent you like and pick up a couple – or three. Light the candles and run a bath. Don’t like baths? Fine. Run the shower. Either way, feel free to use up all the hot water. It’s one night. Find whatever music you, or your partner, likes and play it. Add bubbles or a moisturizing body wash and let the hot water make all your troubles go away.

           

For the nontraditionalist, if you are partnered, agree to do the thing he or she has wanted to do, but you have resisted. Maybe it’s taking dance classes. Maybe it’s watching a chick flick or an action movie. Maybe it’s trying a new ethnic cuisine. Whatever it is, make the arrangements yourself and join in, wholeheartedly. Don’t half-ass it. Don’t complain if you aren’t having fun. Don’t let yourself not have fun. Enjoy it for and with your partner. If you are single, do the thing you’ve been wanting to do, but haven’t been able to bring yourself to do. Maybe it’s change, cut, or dye your hair. Maybe it’s ask your crush out for a coffee. Maybe it’s get a tattoo. Whatever it is, February is your month. This is your day. Do it. Not for anyone else, but for you.

           

At its core, Valentine’s Day is about love. Love is something we often lose sight of, and that’s a shame, especially given how hard we are still struggling to have our right to love be accepted. This month, let’s embrace love. If it’s love for our partners, our friends, or ourselves, it’s Valentine’s Day, Poppets, and it’s all good.

           

Until next month, take care of you.

January 1, 2013

Back when I worked in human services, I had an exercise I did with my groups. Take a piece of paper and brightly colored pens and write everything you liked about yourself all over the paper. It was good for these women to see it, have it there in front of them. One woman, though - it was eighteen years ago, but I remember her so clearly. When it came time for me to show off everyone’s papers, hers was almost blank. In one corner, in little tiny letters, in black ink, she had printed “I’m a good friend.” All I could do at first was look at it. Finally, I looked at her and asked if that was really all she liked about herself. She nodded. My heart broke.

I did the only thing I knew to do; I told her it was the saddest thing I had ever seen. I told her we were going to fix this. The rest of the group chimed in. They loved her. They knew there was more to her than that to like. As much as I wanted to let them go, the point of the exercise was to acknowledge what we liked about ourselves. In this instance, the group didn’t matter.

Instead, I turned her paper over and handed her a hot pink marker. This time, though, she wrote I AM A GOOD FRIEND! It filled the page. Those five words took over those 8.5 x 11 inches in hot pink. She started to weep, saying “it’s so beautiful…it’s so beautiful…” Poppets, let me tell you, there wasn’t a dry eye in that room.

On that note, I have a recommendation. For many years, now, I have gone on record as being…less than excited, shall we say…about New Year’s resolutions. Starting a new year that way inherently requires us to make a list of things we don’t like about ourselves. Why would we do that?? Instead, this year, let’s celebrate the things we like about ourselves.

Get your piece of paper. Get your colored markers. Fill your page. Make it big. Make it loud. Make it yours. I promise you, there is something wonderful about you. You are worth hot pink letters pouring off the page. What better way to start a new year than by remembering those things?

When you’re done with it, tuck it away somewhere safe, frame it and hang it on your wall, tape it to your bathroom mirror. Whatever you do, don’t just throw it away. We can revisit them next year and see what we can add in a year.

May your 2013 be even better than your 2012, Poppets. Until next month, take care of you.