October 1, 2015

Betty indulges me, Poppets. She lets me ramble on about stupid shit, and important shit, and shit that’s really near and dear to my heart. Pretty much whatever I want. Example? Almost every October for the past eight years, I’ve written a variation on the same article: Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

Guess what? I’m continually grateful for Betty, because I’m writing that same article this year.

Why? Because a man in Dallas recently got ten years’ probation – probation, Poppets – for killing his transgender partner. Her name was Janette Tovar, and earlier in the day Jonathan Stewart Kenney slammed her head into concrete during an argument.

Later that evening, he called 911 when she became nonresponsive. But the cause of death was blunt force trauma. In other words, his slamming her head into cement. During an argument. Which is the very definition of physical domestic violence, Poppets.

But it should be cut and dried, right? They fought. He hurt her, badly. She died. He even admitted to it. This is domestic violence to the Nth degree. This is domestic violence murder.

But he got ten years’ probation and a $2500 fine.

Tell me again how just and fair the system is to victims of domestic violence. Then tell me again how just and fair it is to the LGBTQ community.

Tell me how a fight – whatever the fight was about – justifies slamming a woman’s head into concrete so hard that it kills her. Tell me again how victims of domestic violence ask for it.

Finally, tell me how domestic violence doesn’t exist in the LGBTQ community. Tell me how it’s a fair fight if it takes place amongst ourselves.

Luckily, I’m not the only one passionate about this. 

So are the people at the Northwest Network, an agency specifically for LGBTQ survivors of abuse. They’re based out of Seattle, and you can reach them here (206) 568-7777 during normal business hours, or find out more information here: http://nwnetwork.org.

So are the people at the Skagit County Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Services. They are a full-service resource center for victims of domestic violence and sexual assault, and are openly LGBTQ friendly. You can reach them here (888) 336-9591 24-hours a day, or find out more information here: http://www.skagitdvsas.org.

So are you – I hope. Because if you’re aware of it or not, someone you know, someone you love, is or has been a victim of domestic violence. People don’t just get in touch with those organizations to ask for help. You can call them and ask how to help, too. I hope you will.

Because it’s real. It’s happening – to us. Among us. By us.

Her name was Janette Tovar, and he got ten years’ probation.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you – and each other.

(Source: http://crimeblog.dallasnews.com/2015/09/dallas-man-receives-10-years-probation-for-death-of-transgender-woman.html/
http://www.advocate.com/crime/2015/9/16/shocker-texas-man-confesses-killing-trans-woman-only-gets-probation
http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2015/09/16/texas-man-gets-probation-for-killing-his-trans-girlfriend.html)

September 1, 2015

LGBTQ, Poppets. That’s what we call ourselves. Sometimes, we add A and I in there. But it’s been LGBT(Q) almost from the beginning. Some of us even remember when it was GLBT. Whatever order you put those letters in, though, the point is that bisexual has been right there, on equal footing, from the beginning.

So – why do we ignore them? Invalidate them? Erase them?

Think I’m wrong? How often have you heard it said, when a woman who last dated a man starts dating a woman “oh, so she’s a lesbian now?” Or run into the concept that if a man likes sex with men, he’s gay, period, and should really just admit it. Never mind how often you’ve heard it; how often have you thought it yourself?

Bisexuals are often banned from safe spaces if they are in an opposite-gender relationship. They aren’t “gay enough” or they’re traitors.

Society is slowly, ever so slowly, beginning to understand that gender is fluid. Hell, the term “genderfluid” is a thing now. And yet we, even amongst ourselves, want to continue to insist that bisexuals aren’t real. That you can be heterosexual or homosexual and nothing in between.

There is so much more space on the sexuality spectrum than the two poles, Poppets!

The new generation is getting it. They’re better at it than we are, I think. They at least recognize, if not 100% accept yet, pansexual (which before anyone asks, no, isn’t just a new age term for bisexual) and several variations of asexual. They call out bisexual erasure far better and more thoroughly than my generation – or the generation after mine – have so far.

But that doesn’t mean we’re hopeless, the generation before, with, and after me. We can learn new tricks, even as old dogs. Stop erasing the B from our alphabet. Stop belittling them as cheaters, as fake, as slumming with the queers. And yes, those are all things I have heard cast at my bisexual friends and family. 

Society is evolving, expanding. There are more designations for sexuality and gender than ever before, as we recognize just how gloriously messy the whole male-female-sex thing is. There are even orientations and expressions that don’t have names or labels yet, which makes the Q more important than ever.

In light of this, we’re going to pretend the B doesn’t really exist? Isn’t real? The B that’s been there right along with the L, the G, and T from the beginning – we’re going to keep erasing them?

As I say so often, we’re better than that, Poppets. So let’s be better than that. Yes, you can come out as gay or lesbian after being in a heterosexual relationship. You can even come out after having had children and family. And – and you can also be bisexual. And in this relationship, with this person. Their gender doesn’t change your orientation.

It’s time we all remembered that.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you – and each other.

August 1, 2015

I don’t often do reviews here, Poppets, in spite of Betty bringing me on to keep you abreast of what’s happening on the east coast (wow, that didn’t go as planned, did it?). But sometimes, a review works. Like this month.

We are big Netflix fans out here. David and I can binge with the best of them. To the point that we will rarely even get involved with a show that has fewer than two seasons, because why get invested? However two of Netflix’s original series caught our eye – Grace and Frankie and Sense8 - and we thought we’d check them out. 

Talk about a juxtaposition.

Grace and Frankie is about two hetero couples in their 60s or early 70s (the actors are Lily Tomlin, Jane Fonda, Sam Waterston, and Martin Sheen, so their age). The men have been business partners and best friends for decades. The women tolerate each other for their husbands. The four of them are meeting for dinner when the men drop the bombshell that they are in love, that they have been a couple for at least 20 years, and now that they can get married, they want to do so. The husbands are leaving the wives for each other.

Now, I know that this is a scenario that plays itself out in real life, so I don’t object to the subject. But as the episode went on, it became obvious that the men were going to be The Bad Guys and the women were going to be The Ones We Root For.

The focus was entirely on the women’s pain. The men felt guilty – but not by much. The women were being painted as having everything ripped from them, while the men were going to ride off into the sunset together.

Except that it isn’t that easy. It’s never that easy. As someone who was the one to ask for the divorce (previously, David and I are still deliriously happy in our little bubble), there is no easy riding off into the sunset without a care in the world. As the man who had to tell his wife he was gay (previously, I knew from the beginning), the pain David experienced was no small thing. Between the two of us, we were these two characters in our previous marriages – and it was nowhere close to as easy as Grace and Frankie would have you believe.

Now, full disclosure, the show may get better. I couldn’t get through the first episode. It was too one-sided, and too…wrong. Too false and too painful in its refusal to see both sides of the story, to ready to paint the men as the bad guys. 

Then there was Sense8. Interestingly enough, I’d heard really good things about Grace and Frankie and so-so things about Sense8, so I wasn’t as excited about this one.

Was I ever wrong. The plot is a bit convoluted, and may not read well, but there are eight people who are connected telepathically. Why? Who are they? What’s going on? No one knows, not even them. But they can talk and visit and jump into each other’s bodies. It’s a cool set up if you like that kind of thing (which I do).

But what makes it worth writing about here is the fact that there are a transgender woman who is part of a lesbian couple and a closeted but partnered gay man as some of the main characters. Needless to say, their lives aren’t easy. They’re a transgender lesbian, a closeted gay man, and their respective partners for heaven’s sake – those are not easy people to be, no matter what social media would want you to believe.

And yet…in this science fiction world, they are treated more realistically than the men in the “realistic” Grace and Frankie. They are allowed to be whole characters. And yes, they screw up and they hurt people and they make mistakes. But they are not cookie cutter Bad Guys. They are well-rounded, nuanced characters that we feel for and root for and come to care about. They are the kind of representation that matters.

So, I highly recommend Sense8. It makes for a great binge night or two. As for Grace and Frankie – if you choose to watch it, do so knowing the first episode is tough. If you make it through more, I’d love to know what you think. As for me, I think I’ll stick to well-developed characters and leave the stock bad guys to someone else.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you – and each other.

July 1, 2015

I’m going to do it, Poppets. I’m going to talk about Caitlyn Jenner. I swore I wasn’t – but I am.

First and foremost, good for you, Caitlyn! Well done and congratulations. To finally live as one’s true, authentic self is a gift so many people are never able to achieve.

I am thrilled, almost beyond words, for her.

I, also, have two random thoughts in my head about some of the responses I’ve heard to Caitlyn’s journey:

1. Since we embrace Caitlyn, society will embrace all transgender women and men. I love this idea. I love this ideal. And many, many people have indeed embraced Caitlyn (and Laverne, and Janet, and Chaz…) but many more have not. Think the LGBTQ community is above it? Think again. I was sitting with a man I know – who happens to be gay – and a friend of his – who happens to be a lesbian – and Caitlyn came up in conversation. He shuddered as he explained that he “doesn’t get it…(he) just doesn’t get it.” She, on the other hand, had this to say: “Oh, I get it. It’s just disgusting.” That’s the hate within our own community, Poppets.  Don’t dare judge someone for not coming out, for not transitioning, when we can’t even support them.

2. If we embrace Caitlyn, society will embrace transgender women and men, even those who don’t pass. I love this idea. This ideal. Caitlyn is a naturally attractive person. That was part of the original allure back in the 70s during the Olympics. That was damn fine photogenic athlete. Trust and believe, Wheaties wouldn’t have put an ugly person on their boxes. Plus, Caitlyn has money, which means she can afford surgeries that help this specific aspect of her transition move forward even more smoothly. And let’s be completely honest – she’s gorgeous. The painful truth, though, is that society doesn’t embrace any women who aren’t deemed beautiful. Just as Wheaties wouldn’t have put an unattractive man on their boxes, Vogue would not have put an unattractive woman on their cover, no matter the reason. Do not ~ not, not, not ~ dare to judge someone who doesn’t pass, who considers themselves unattractive as their true gender, who chooses not to transition. Yes, we as a society are mean to all unattractive women. When we’re willing to throw “you look like a man” at cis-gendered women as an insult, we don’t get to then ask our trans-sisters to take the heat.

On the one hand, society is embracing beautiful, articulate, passing transgender men and women. I’m not sure this has ever happened before. On the other hand, there have already been nine transgender women murdered in 2015 alone. We all know Caitlyn’s name (and Laverne, and Janet, and Chaz), but how many of us know theirs*?

It is a better time to be transgendered than ever before. I, of all people, will never refute that. But “better” still doesn’t mean “good” or “safe.” 

And those are my random thoughts.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you – and each other.

*London Kiki Chanel (Philadelphia), Kristina Gomez Reinwald (Miami), Penny Proud (New Orleans), Taja DeJesus (San Francisco), Yazmin Vash Payne (Los Angeles), Ty Underwood (North Tyler, Texas), Lamia Beard (Norfolk, Virginia), and Mercedes Williamson (George County, Mississippi)

June 1, 2016

I’ve been reading suicide notes of young LGBTQ people recently. Far too many of them. So here’s my open letter to any young person considering suicide.

My darling Young Poppets, please, live. 

Live to see your late 20s. When you finally, sort of, kind of start to figure things out. See, I’m not supposed to tell you this, but the truth is that there is nothing more horrible than your teens and early 20s. Even if you have the love and support of your family, friends and community, those years are still awful. If you don’t have that support, if you feel isolated, alone, judged – if you have been kicked out or disowned – if you are having to hide and hate who you are – it’s even worse.

But somewhere around your late 20s, things start to make a little more sense. You start really being able to make your own decisions. You start learning from your mistakes – including recognizing that not every mistake was so bad after all. You start realizing that maybe, just maybe, you have some self-worth – because of, or even in spite of, the people around you.

Live to see your mid-30s. When your confidence starts to set in. Because in your mid-30s, your shoulders go a little further back. You come to understand whose opinions matter – and whose really don’t. It’s easier to care about what’s important, and say fuck it to the things, people, and attitudes that aren’t.

All those things that you feel like you should know, understand, be able to do right now, they start to become reality somewhere in your mid-30s. You look around one day and it hits you: you’re the grown up you’ve been waiting to be. If things are good, you’ve created that. If things aren’t good, you’re more capable of taking charge and changing that than ever before.

Live to see your 40s. When you finally realize just how little you know – and just how okay that really is. At some point in your 40s, it will dawn on you that everyone is making it up as they go along. That no one has it as together as you think they do. That you aren’t alone – or a freak – or missing some memo that the rest of us got.

It’s easier to finally stop fighting, stop raging, in your 40s. Self-loathing can give way to self-acceptance – true self-acceptance – and with it, peace. What is worth fighting for becomes clear, and your motivation gets a laser target. But what isn’t worth your time and energy becomes clear, too, and shrugging it off and letting go becomes easier in a way you never, ever expected.

Young Poppets, I know – I know – that you feel a lot of “never” and “always” right now:

• It will never get better than this.
• I will always be tormented. 
• If I don’t transition now, I will never be able to…will never look right…will always feel this wrong, ugly way. 
• I will never be truly loved for who I truly am.

But never and always are lies. I’m not going to blow smoke up your ass and say it’s easy. Or that it just gets better miraculously. Life is hard work, Young Poppets. For everyone – but especially for those of us who live outside of mainstream privilege. 

And yet - never and always are still lies. It can get better. You do have time. You will be able to make different choices, different decisions, take different paths. You will get to live your own life, on your own terms.

But you must live in order to make those choices, those decisions, to find your path. To live your life.

So, please, Young Poppets, live. Live into your 40s, 50s, 60s, and beyond. Live to feel the difference in your life. Live to create the difference in your corner of the world. Because you are cherished. You are loved. You have value. And life is longer than it feels right now – in all the best ways.

And to my fellow Poppets of a Certain Age, be kind to the next generation. Reach out. Love. Mentor. Model. You never know when you might be the grownup who makes the difference.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you – and each other.

May 1, 2015

I know we just talked about the Religious Freedom Restoration Acts a couple months ago, Poppets, but there’s still more to say. So let’s say it, okay? Okay! Because back in the mid-90s, the federal RFRA was passed and it was great. I know; that’s the last thing you expected to hear, isn’t it? But the federal law really is great.

The federal law prevents women from being forced to take off their hijabs for their driver’s license picture. It allows Native Americans to use otherwise illegal drugs in religious ceremonies. And it allows Jewish teenagers to keep their heads covered during holy season in high schools where other boys aren’t allowed to wear hats. This is all good stuff.

Then just this year, Indiana passed its RFRA, and the country exploded. Because Indiana’s RFRA isn’t the same as the federal one. And while the “fix” the governor signed within a few days helps – it’s certainly not the widesweeping “Jim Crow laws of homosexuality” Fox news was talking about when we last visited the topic – the RFRA in place is still dangerous. 

See, while a business or landlord* can no longer use the RFRA as a defense against discrimination, a pharmacist can still refuse a transitioning person hormones, or to fill someone’s AIDS medication prescription. Also? Good Christians can still bully children and teenagers for being LGBTQ. Or for having LGBTQ parents. Or, you know, looking like they might. Because why let facts get in the way of religion.

Here’s the thing, though – Indiana was the first state to create a nationwide uproar, but several other states have RFRA on their books. And still others have what are known as “conscience clauses.” And those can be as scary as any warped RFRA.

Conscience clauses allow healthcare providers, hospitals, and even pharmacists to refuse to provide services or fill prescriptions based on moral, ethical, or religious grounds. Generally, this is becoming an issue around birth control and emergency contraception, but don’t be lulled into a false sense of security.

Transitional hormones. AIDS medications. IVF procedures for lesbian couples. All of those can be denied because the doctor or pharmacist doesn’t think we should have them because he or she doesn’t believe we’re real human beings and equal to them. For “moral, ethical, or religious reasons” of course.

6 states** – Colorado, Florida, Illinois, Maine, Tennessee, and New Jersey – all have sweeping conscious clauses on their books. (Note, 6 others have conscious clauses that only deal with contraceptives.) And while, technically, Indiana doesn’t have a conscience clause on its books, thanks to the RFRA and the holey “fix”, it does for all intents and purposes.

And this is why I came back here this month. Because while it’s not all about marriage equality, Poppets, it’s also not all about Indiana. Or RFRA. It’s so much bigger than any one of those things.

We must stay aware. We must keep fighting. Not for wedding registries and tiered cakes, but for basic human rights and protections. I don’t need anyone to change their religion for us. I just need them to not hurt us while they practice it, or make us practice it, too. 

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you – and each other.


*Source Link: http://www.advocate.com/politics/2015/04/02/gov-mike-pence-signs-fix-religious-freedom-restoration-act?page=full
** Source link: http://www.ncsl.org/research/health/pharmacist-conscience-clauses-laws-and-information.aspx

April 1, 2015

In the past, Poppets, I have been…judgy, shall we say…about Facebook, Twitter, and Tumblr (et al) activism. I’ve made the case that changing one’s avatar or sharing something with “THIS!” over it doesn’t do a whole lot. And no, I’m not about to back down from that. I still don’t think it necessarily, automatically does much except make the individual feel better about themselves. However! I think it can do something.

There’s a movement right now to put on your social media site that you are willing to share a bathroom with a transgendered person. Whichever site you use, the suggestion is that you write it up there in plain English: I’m willing to share a bathroom with a transgendered person. No having to know what the code is, what the red t-shirt, or double giraffe picture, or cartoon character means. 

***

In Florida, there’s a bill in committee that would require people to use the bathroom of their birth-assigned gender. No matter how they look. How they’re dressed. How they live their daily lives. None of that matters. What matters is what gender they were assigned at birth.

An exception has been made for people who have a government issued i.d. recognizing their true gender. Except that getting an i.d. changed is a complicated, expensive, and long legal process. Many transgendered people live their lives as their true selves, but are blocked from getting legal papers declaring their gender. 

And let’s be honest – being asked for a photo i.d. before going to the bathroom would be a demeaning, insulting experience. Just because someone doesn’t fit some societal standard of female or male shouldn’t mean they have to prove themselves in any way. It may be different for you, but I frequently go out without an i.d….or I’ll leave my bag at the table with David…or in the movie theatre with my friends...and just run to the restroom quickly. As someone who lives her life as the gender assigned at birth, this is never an issue. But I cannot imagine how horrible it would be like to just want to wash my hands – or really need to pee – and be stopped at the door because I didn’t look right and couldn’t present an i.d. assuring some random stranger I am who I say I am.

Yet that is exactly what Florida is trying to do.

***

Which brings us back to social media activism and why this case is different. It’s different for 2 important reasons. First, there’s no code. I admit, I am not the world’s most tuned in person – but I’m not the most oblivious either. As such, I know I’m not the only somewhat astute person who has looked at a sea of changed avatars and wondered what the hell was going on, and what I had missed. This isn’t about a code. This isn’t about being in the know. This is about saying flat out I support this. You are safe with me. I want this in my school, office, church, synagogue, hospital, club, mall, and town.

And that leads us into the second reason this matters – we tend to be online friends with supervisors, worship leaders, and gym trainers. The people who can make these kinds of decisions. Who can create a safe space for transgendered men and women – or deny it. So the more of us who say, flat out, we want this! the more the people in charge will hear. 

Don’t let silence speak for you, Poppets. In this instance, or ever. Dignity matters. Pride matters. Acceptance matters. This matters.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you – and each other.