April 1, 2015

In the past, Poppets, I have been…judgy, shall we say…about Facebook, Twitter, and Tumblr (et al) activism. I’ve made the case that changing one’s avatar or sharing something with “THIS!” over it doesn’t do a whole lot. And no, I’m not about to back down from that. I still don’t think it necessarily, automatically does much except make the individual feel better about themselves. However! I think it can do something.

There’s a movement right now to put on your social media site that you are willing to share a bathroom with a transgendered person. Whichever site you use, the suggestion is that you write it up there in plain English: I’m willing to share a bathroom with a transgendered person. No having to know what the code is, what the red t-shirt, or double giraffe picture, or cartoon character means. 

***

In Florida, there’s a bill in committee that would require people to use the bathroom of their birth-assigned gender. No matter how they look. How they’re dressed. How they live their daily lives. None of that matters. What matters is what gender they were assigned at birth.

An exception has been made for people who have a government issued i.d. recognizing their true gender. Except that getting an i.d. changed is a complicated, expensive, and long legal process. Many transgendered people live their lives as their true selves, but are blocked from getting legal papers declaring their gender. 

And let’s be honest – being asked for a photo i.d. before going to the bathroom would be a demeaning, insulting experience. Just because someone doesn’t fit some societal standard of female or male shouldn’t mean they have to prove themselves in any way. It may be different for you, but I frequently go out without an i.d….or I’ll leave my bag at the table with David…or in the movie theatre with my friends...and just run to the restroom quickly. As someone who lives her life as the gender assigned at birth, this is never an issue. But I cannot imagine how horrible it would be like to just want to wash my hands – or really need to pee – and be stopped at the door because I didn’t look right and couldn’t present an i.d. assuring some random stranger I am who I say I am.

Yet that is exactly what Florida is trying to do.

***

Which brings us back to social media activism and why this case is different. It’s different for 2 important reasons. First, there’s no code. I admit, I am not the world’s most tuned in person – but I’m not the most oblivious either. As such, I know I’m not the only somewhat astute person who has looked at a sea of changed avatars and wondered what the hell was going on, and what I had missed. This isn’t about a code. This isn’t about being in the know. This is about saying flat out I support this. You are safe with me. I want this in my school, office, church, synagogue, hospital, club, mall, and town.

And that leads us into the second reason this matters – we tend to be online friends with supervisors, worship leaders, and gym trainers. The people who can make these kinds of decisions. Who can create a safe space for transgendered men and women – or deny it. So the more of us who say, flat out, we want this! the more the people in charge will hear. 

Don’t let silence speak for you, Poppets. In this instance, or ever. Dignity matters. Pride matters. Acceptance matters. This matters.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you – and each other.

March 1, 2015

Have you heard of Religious Freedom Restoration Acts, Poppets? In a nutshell, they are the epitome of why the push for marriage equality scares me. Because even as marriage equality is spreading like wildfire, the Religious Freedom Restoration Acts are gaining momentum, as well.

Religious Freedom Restoration Acts, or RFRAs, give individuals and businesses the right to discriminate against the LGBTQ community for religious reasons. And while having a baker or florist refuse to participate in your wedding because you and your spouse are the same gender really fucking sucks and I won’t deny that, we’re talking about so much more than that.

Want to sit by your spouse’s hospital bedside? Not if the hospital administration doesn’t recognize your marriage, even if the state does. Would you like to keep your apartment after your teenager comes out? Better hope your landlord doesn’t disapprove on religious grounds, because there are no housing protections under RFRAs. Should your daughter’s teacher protect her from bullies in the classroom? Doesn’t have to if she agrees with the bullies. Does your state offer health insurance to same-sex partners? Not necessarily, if your company has religious objections.

These laws trump everything else, Poppets. They are the way out. There are no constraints on them. They are the concession to discrimination. They are bills being written by people who do not understand that not being allowed to discriminate and oppress does not equal discrimination and oppression. And they are bills being passed, and signed into law.

Even Fox News has referred to these laws as “homosexual Jim Crow laws” and “dangerous precedent.” Do you realize how wrong the RFRAs have to be in order for Fox News to be concerned about the sweeping damage they could do to us?

And yet my Facebook feed is overflowing with excitement over marriage equality. Every new state that passes it gets the bells and whistles and parades. I first heard about Arkansas passing its RFRA from Buzzfeed. Yep. The comic-funny-timewasting site. But plenty of news stations (and social media sites, and political rallies) are talking about the Supreme Court taking up marriage equality.

So I sigh. I sigh deeply. And I remember that I have raged about this so many times and still it continues. I want to stop raging, Poppets. I do. I want to be excited about wedding cakes and flower arrangements. I want to trust that, once marriage equality is a reality, we will move on to overturning RFRAs. And employment protection. And housing protection. And the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. I want to believe that – and so I will keep forcing myself to believe it until I am proven wrong. Because I have to believe our lives matter more than wedding cakes.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you – and each other.

February 2015

Oh, Poppets, I have written ad nauseam about my fears that LGBTQ activists will rest once marriage equality is passed. You know my feelings on it. I know my feelings on it. So, no. I am not going to write about the Supreme Court taking up the issue. Do I hope it passes? Yes. Do I think it will? Yes. Am I afraid of what will happen after it does? Oh hell yes. There. Issue addressed.

Moving on to…February. Valentine’s Day. Are you sick of it yet? After all, it rolled into stores somewhere about December 27th. I have to be honest, though; I’m not. I love Valentine’s Day. 

But Valentine’s Day tends to be difficult in our community. We spend so much time hearing about how unloveable we are, how wrong, and sick, and unhealthy we are. I’m thrilled to say that’s getting better, but let’s be honest – if we weren’t still hearing those things, I would be able to be excited about SCOTUS taking up marriage equality. It’s just too easy to believe on some level when people say hateful, horrible things.

So this year, instead of focusing only on our partners – or lack thereof, depending on your specific situation – I’m suggesting we focus on ourselves. Focus on what makes us loveable. Unique. Beautiful. Special. Worthy.

Stay away from superficial adjectives, too. Trust me, you won’t always be young, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and thin gets harder the older you get. Instead, focus on longer lasting things. Humor. Kindness. Fashion sense, even. Whatever makes you unique.

We are all our worst enemies. Instead of looking in the mirror and seeing what you always see, try to see yourself through someone else’s eyes. And not the haters we were talking about a couple paragraphs ago. Your friends. Your partner. The people who love you.

We are so good to the people we love. That’s the thing about love. It allows us to see our friends and family honestly (hopefully) but kindly, too. So why can’t we extend that same kindness and generosity to ourselves?

Here’s an exercise for you: Every time this month you realize you are thinking about yourself in a way you wouldn’t let anyone talk about a friend, stop. Set yourself straight (so to speak) the same way you would defend a friend.

Because if someone talked trash about your friend, you’d be the first person to say shut the fuck up. To remind them how your friend is the funniest, most genuine, most caring, most intelligent, most…whatever…you’ve ever known. So, when you hear yourself talking that way – stop. Remind yourself that you are the funniest, most genuine, most caring, most intelligent, most whatever you’ve ever known.

Do this every time this month. No trash talk. No self-doubt. Nothing but love. See what happens. I bet you like it, Poppets, I really do. And yes, be sure to buy yourself chocolates and flowers, too – even if someone else is buying them for you, as well. You’re worth it, after all.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you – and each other.

Je Suis, Charlie.

January 1, 2015

Happy New Year, Poppets! 2015. Here’s hoping your holiday season was both peaceful and joyous, and that the new year brings you the best of what you’re wishing for.

Over the years, I have earned a reputation – and rightfully so – for being notoriously anti New Year Resolution. I simply see no point in setting up artificial, and often unreasonable, expectations based on aspects of ourselves that we don’t like simply because we turned a new page in a calendar. It certainly doesn’t seem like healthy, or happy way, to go into a new year.

If, however, you are determined to make New Year’s Resolutions, may I suggest these:

Get Healthy. This is not an admonition to quit smoking, lose weight, or eat more vegetables. If you want to do those things, great. Do them. But not because of a resolution. Instead, just think long-term, yet low maintenance. Women, do breast self-exams. Men, perform testicular self-exams. If you are “of a certain age” get mammograms and prostate exams. At some point this year, sit down with a doctor and get a physical.

Stay Focused. While anger may be a powerful motivator, it’s also a good way to become miserable, burned out, and, well, angry. The world is angry enough. Instead of being angry (although there is time for anger, and I will never say otherwise), concentrate on staying focused. The issue that makes you angry – police brutality, open season on black men, continued threats against members of the LGBTQ community, women’s issues, legal inequality, whatever it is – stayed focused on it. As the news cycle moves on, stay involved. As people start discussing other things on social media, keep bringing it up. Refuse to back down, to become complacent, to sweep it under the rug. You may lose some Tumblr or Reddit followers, but you’ll learn who your real friends are.

Spread Peace. There is plenty of anger in the world. And there are times when it’s appropriate. But remember when it isn’t, as well. There is no need to snap at the homeless. Or yell at the person behind the register. Or be rude to your neighbor in the elevator. More and more, it seems like we as a society are moving to the extremes: doormats or aggressive assholes. There’s a huge middle ground between those 2 poles. Make a concerted effort to live in that middle ground. No one is perfect, but the effort itself will inherently make your life a more peaceful place, for you and those you encounter.

Buy the Leather Jacket. A friend of mine was telling me a story about a young woman who wanted to be the kind of girl who wore a leather jacket – so the young woman went and bought one, because then she’d be the kind of girl who wore one. Whatever your “leather jacket” is, don’t wait for it. If you want to be the kind of person who adopts rescue cats, or drinks champagne, or reads The New Yorker, or eats off of china plates, or yes, wears leather jackets – don’t wait for whatever magical event will turn you into “that kind of a person.” You are that person. Right now. Without having to fix or change yourself in any way. The only thing missing the jacket. So go buy the jacket!

2015 is upon us, Poppets. And with every year before it, it will be exactly the kind of year we make it. So let’s make it a good one.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you – and each other.

December 1, 2014

It’s the holidays, Poppets. Oooo….I do love the holidays. The lights. The colors. The music. The food. Laughter, friends, and goodwill. Traditions that have spanned longer than I’ve been alive, and that just started last year. I love it all. Especially the traditions.

A few years back, David and I were in pretty bad shape financially. Really bad shape, actually. Our friend, Mac, sat down to do her charitable giving that year and, instead of giving to the ASPCA, she gave to us. $100. Now, it doesn’t seem like much. That year? It was a ridiculous amount of money. What none of us realized, though, was a tradition was born.

Every year since then, David and I have given $100 in her name. We’ve given to individuals, a family, organizations, even once the innkeepers of a place we’d been staying, when we learned they were on food stamps. That $100 in Mac’s name has become part of our holiday tradition.

Another tradition of mine is to buy a toothbrush and full-sized toothpaste every time I go to the store from November 1^st through Christmas. Sometimes, that’s once a week. Sometimes, it’s every day. However often, though, I buy a toothbrush and toothpaste. Between Yule and Christmas, I find a homeless shelter wherever I am, and deliver them. David is British Canadian, so he grew up with a strong sense of Boxing Day being the day to make charitable donations. For him, it was gloves, scarfs, socks, underwear. The small things people tend to forget about. We have combined our two traditions quite nicely, and now deliver my toothbrushes and his gloves on December 26^th.

My point is holiday traditions don’t have to be about turkey or beef for dinner. Or the chorale concert you always attend. Or decorating the tree with your friends and too much eggnog. Don’t get me wrong – I have those traditions, too, and I love them. But holiday traditions can be about more than that, too.

If you have a tradition of giving, great. If you don’t, it’s never too late – or too soon – to start one:

• Give in honor or in memory of someone. A teacher who supported you. Your drag mother. The friend who made it easy to come out. The sister who loans you her skirts (even if she draws the line at her shoes). The brother who taught you to tie a necktie.
• Give your time. Not all of us have the financial resources to give money. Believe me, I get that. Contact Bellingham Food Bank (360.676.0392 at 1824 Ellis Street in Bellingham). Or one of the animal organizations (The Whatcom Humane Society: 360.733.2080 at 2172 Division Street in Bellingham or The Alternative Humane Society: 360.671.7445 at http://alternativehumanesociety.com in Bellingham). Or Northwest Youth Services, which has explicit Queer Youth Space, (360.734.9862 at 1020 N. State Street in Bellingham). They will have ways you can donate your time, knowledge, empathy, muscles, brains, and passion. Whatever cause is dear to your heart, you can donate your time to it.
• Combine traditions. Invite your friends over to decorate the tree and drink too much eggnog ~ and ask that everyone bring a single toy, stick of deodorant, full-sized toiletry, or jar of peanut butter. Pick a theme and ask everyone to bring one of that thing. The goal is to reach critical mass – have a small pile of something, without anyone having to spend more than they have, or feel bad because they couldn’t afford much.

And that, dear Poppets, is how traditions are made. I wish you well at the end of every month, but especially during this time of year. For some of us, it’s the best time of the year. For others, not so much. Wherever you fall in that spectrum, my holiday wish for you is peace, now and always.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you – and each other.

November 1, 2014

It’s Thanksgiving month, Poppets, and if you celebrate the official holiday or not, being aware of the reasons to be thankful is always a good thing. As is being aware in general. So without further ado…

1. Be thankful for - marriage equality. States are falling like dominoes, Poppets. So many rights are conferred upon a couple once they are officially married. Plus, for people who want to be married, there is something about that piece of paper that makes it different. The tangible and the intangible. Marriage equality is a good thing.

Be aware of – the laws that still don’t guarantee our safety, employment, or housing rights. Marriage equality is great, but only matters so much if you can be fired or evicted for being married to someone of your same gender.

2. Be thankful for – LGB people serving openly in the military. The fall of DADT was a few years ago now, but trust and believe, Poppets, it’s still a big deal.

Be aware of – The absence of the “T” in the above alphabet. Transgendered military personnel still have to wait until after their military service has been completed before they can even talk about who they truly are, let alone begin any kind of transition. And for men and women who have already transitioned? Can’t even enlist.

3. Be thankful for - The Runaway and Homeless Youth Act. I’m embarrassed to admit I didn’t even know this act existed, Poppets. It sets guidelines for providing shelter and care for our homeless youth. It adds protections specifically covering our homeless, runaway, and “thrown away” (the industry phrase for youth whose parents have kicked them out) youths. Passed in 2008, it’s heartbreaking that we need to have the act at all, but since we do need it, let’s be grateful for it.

Be aware of – The exclusion of LGBTQ teens from the Runaway and Homeless Youth Act. There are no provisions for LGBTQ youth in the act itself. Yes, it would be nice to think that a general law protecting our youth would cover our LGBTQ children, too, but we all know that’s not necessarily the case. According to the National Coalition for the Homeless:

•     20% of homeless youth are LGBT. In comparison, the general youth population is only 10% LGBT.
•     While homeless youth typically experience severe family conflict as the primary reason for their homelessness, LGBT youth are twice as likely to experience sexual abuse before the age of 12.
•     LGBT youth, once homeless, are at higher risk for victimization, mental health problems, and unsafe sexual practices. 58.7% of LGBT homeless youth have been sexually victimized compared to 33.4% of heterosexual homeless youth
•     LGBT youth are roughly 7.4 times more likely to experience acts of sexual violence than heterosexual homeless youth
•     LGBT homeless youth commit suicide at higher rates (62%) than heterosexual homeless youth (29%) 

(National Coalition for the Homeless, June 2009 http://www.nationalhomeless.org/factsheets/lgbtq.html)

Given those statistics, the Runaway and Homeless Youth Act needs to be amended to protect the LGBTQ youth, explicitly and without question.

    4. Be thankful for - International Transgendered Day of Remembrance. Every November 20^th, we remember our transgendered brothers and sisters who have died because of the hatred and violence. There are no scheduled events in the Bellingham area yet, but don’t let that stop you from taking a moment – or organizing one.

Be aware of – International Transgendered Day of Remembrance. The fact that we even need this day is painful. The fact that more and more names get added every year is painful.

5. Be thankful for – the people who have come before us. It is safer to be a member of the LGBTQ community than ever before. We have more rights, more visibility, more acceptance, and more protections than any generation that has come before us. And we have it because of the generations that came before us.

Be aware of – the sacrifices they made. It’s easy to look around and take for granted what we have. It’s easy to think it all came easily. Don’t be that person.

    6. Be thankful for – the strength to continue the fight. You have it. I have it. We have the strength to get what needs to be changed changed. We have voices that are being heard. We have powerful allies and influential comrades. Every day, we make strides, because we just don’t quit.

Be aware of – the fact that being out is a privilege. Not everyone lives in a community where it is safe to be out. Not everyone works in an industry where it is safe to be out. Those of us who can be must not add our hate to the hate they are already facing. Instead, we must fight for them, until none of us have to fight at all.

There you have it, Poppets. Six reasons to be thankful. Happy Thanksgiving, if you celebrate it. Happy Autumn if you don’t.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you – and each other.

October 1, 2014

You probably know, Poppets, that October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Which makes for interesting timing given that last month the hashtag #whyIstayed became a thing after the video of football player Ray Rice hitting his then-fiancée-now-wife went public. Shortly thereafter, #whyIleft showed up, as a bookend. The national dialogue was vitally important. And it was too narrow.

The national dialogue was about women being abused by men. Now, as a former domestic violence counselor, I understand the necessity of shorthand. When giving trainings, and during speaking engagements, trust and believe that having to say “the victim” or “she, or he” every time gets tiring. More than that, you really can lose your audience. Part of public speaking and training is keeping up a flow that keeps your audience engaged. Even something that little can distract from the message.

But here’s the thing – as a domestic violence counselor, trainer, and educator, I started every single one of my sessions with this statement:

I’m going to be using the pronoun “she” for the victim and “he” for the abuser. This is not to say that women are always the victim and men are always the abuser. Men can be victims. Women can be abusers. And the victim and the abuser can be of the same gender and I am in no way minimizing that experience. Everything I’m going to say applies, regardless of the situation.

Is it long winded? Maybe a little. Even clunky. But it’s necessary. Because shorthand can too easily become the only words we use, the only way we think.

I also went into men’s organizations and did speaking engagements for male victims of female abusers – and LGBTQ centers and spoke with people who had been hurt by people of their own gender. Which I don’t tell you to pat myself on the back, but to point out the fact that my co-trainer and I were the only ones in the city who would. We were in high demand because, at the time, no other domestic violence educators who spoke to straight women would also speak to straight men and the LGBTQ community.

And this is exactly why we can’t always use shorthand. Because shorthand becomes the norm because invisibility becomes denial. Denial that domestic violence can occur in our community. Denial that men can be victims. Denial that women can be abusers. Because when a victim can find no one to believe them, to listen to them, perhaps even to say “you know…that’s not okay…” in the first place, it makes the abuse that much worse.

So if you, or someone you love, is in a domestic violence situation:

• I believe you
• It is not your fault
• It is real

And there is help. The Northwest Network out of Seattle exists to address domestic violence within LGBTQ relationships and help victims move forward to health, peace, and happiness. You can find them here: http://nwnetwork.org/ and reach them Monday-Friday, 9-5, here: (206) 568-7777.

Skagit Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Services is a resource and referral organization, and runs a 24-hour hotline. They are LGBTQ-friendly. Find them here: http://www.skagitdvsas.org and here: 1 (888) 336-9591.

#whyIstayed doesn’t have to be because no one believed you. And it really can become #whyIleft.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you – and each other.