September 2014

Ferguson Missouri, Poppets. I’ve struggled with this article for days now – to the point of being late turning it into Betty. There’s just so much that could be said, that needs to be said. Finding the words has been…hard. How does one discuss the death of a young black man walking down the street? Especially when that death has been caused by someone who was supposed to be a symbol of safety and trust?

Too many of us in the LGBTQ community know the fear of not being safe in our own neighborhoods. Know what it’s like to wonder if the person behind you is a friend, or foe. And yet, make no mistake, Poppets: gay is not the new black. Each community has issues that are particular to that specific group. There are many that overlap. And yet gay is not the new black.

So why is it important that we, among ourselves, talk about Michael Brown’s killing? First and foremost, because marginalized peoples should stick together. That’s a trite way of putting it, but until we all rise, any of us can be brought down.

Secondly, regardless of how it may feel here in Bellingham, or how the national community leaders may make it seem, not all LGBTQ people are white. When people of color are threatened, people within our community are threatened. LGBTQs of color get to deal with everything white LGBTQs deal with because of orientation and identity and everything straight people of color deal with because of their race. It’s the double-whammy of violence, bigotry, fear, and prejudice.

Third, while this is absolutely, and without question, a race – and racist – issue, we must also make it a human one. We don’t get to claim to be decent human beings if we don’t act decently. If we don’t call out bigotry in all its forms. There was no misunderstanding in Ferguson. There was no difference of opinion. An unarmed black man was shot dead by a white cop. If those of us who are white choose to sit quietly on the sidelines because this is “a black issue” then we don’t get to feel smug when we vote a specific way, or change our Facebook icon, or stop eating at Chick Fil’A.

Fourth, the black community shouldn’t have to do all the heavy lifting. Just as we appreciate our straight friends when they speak out, march, donate, protest, listen, and vote, the LGBTQ community owes it to other marginalized groups to do the same.

But most importantly, and to reiterate, the LGBTQ community includes lesbians, gays, bi’s, trans men and women, and queers of color. It includes pansexuals of color and bigendered people of color. It includes those of us who fit no label, but aren’t straight, of color. To think about the black community as “them” does a disservice to a huge part of our own community. We must talk about Michael Brown’s killing because his murder is a reflection of all of us and our silence would speak far louder than our words.

It’s hard to find the words, Poppets. I know. But find them we must. His name was Michael Brown, and he deserves a voice.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you – and each other.

August 1, 2014

Are you ready for a road trip, Poppets? And not a crazy Bridget road trip like head to New Orleans or Boston, either. Just a road trip to Portland – yes, Oregon, not Maine. Here’s why –

Somewhere along the line, the accepted stereotype for butch lesbians and transmen meant having zero fashion sense. A uniform of blue jeans and a t-shirt for every day, and black pants and white shirt for dressy occasions. Anyone who isn’t femme is supposed to be happy with this selection. Maybe it’s more of a chicken or egg situation. Are those the uniforms we live in because we like them, or because it’s the only thing available to us?

Because let’s be honest – suits, pants, and dress shirts cut for cis-women’s bodies don’t always fit. When they do fit, they aren’t always the look we’re going for. And trying to get a men’s tailor or retail shop to tailor a man’s suit to our body can be an exercise in frustration, at best, and often ends in humiliation, at worst. What’s a masculine ciswoman, transman, or androgynous woman to do?

Road trip!

Back in 2008, the founder of Saint Harridan was able to marry her partner, when California granted marriage equality, but she could find nothing to wear. She finally had a suit made for her, but only after throwing up her hands in frustration at the options available to her. Doing so made her realize that she could not possibly be the only person in this situation – so she opened Saint Harridan, clothing options for women, transmen, and anyone else who challenges the gender binary, and wants more than jeans or black pants!

So where does Portland come in? The 2014 Saint Harridan Popup Tour has started and, next month, they’re in Portland. September 26-28, just down the road, you can find suits that are cut to fit you – not just your body, but your person. People who are not only okay with your presence, but are expecting you. Customer service that isn’t just trained to put up with you, but cater to you. Other customers who aren’t trying to ignore you, but are as happy to be there as you are. For more information, check out the store’s website: http://www.saintharridan.com/ or, for details about the popup in Portland itself, check out their Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/events/1476964905848512/ And be sure to pass the word along. Stores like this can’t stay in business if we don’t keep them open (the recent loss of the amazing Tomboy Tailors is a harsh reminder of that). Plus, if you can’t make it, you can always order online through their main site, as well.

Go into this holiday season looking as sharp as you feel. Finally.

Travel safely, enjoy the trip and the shopping. And, until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

July 1, 2014

As you know, Poppets, I am a staunch supporter of equal rights for everyone. Which is why these numbers please me:

According to freedomtomarry.org, as of this writing, 19 states – including Washington, so yay – have recognized marriage equality. Additionally, 12 states have taken judicial action that is expected to pave the way toward marriage equality. Another 3 states have domestic partnership laws in place. That’s 34 states moving toward equality recognition. How can I not be happy about this? I am. Truly.

And yet…

According to the Human Rights Campaign (http://www.hrc.org/resources/entry/maps-of-state-laws-policies) – and however you feel about their politics and the implementation of their policies, they are a solid source of hard numbers – there are these numbers as well:

Statewide Housing Laws and Policies: 29 states allow for housing discrimination of LGBTQ peoples. Only 18 states, and Washington DC, prohibit housing discrimination based on sexual orientation and gender identity. Another 3 prohibit it based on sexual orientation only. The federal regulations say that participants must follow state and local laws – which doesn’t have much teeth when there are no state and local laws in place – and that a tenant’s sexual orientation and gender identity cannot be questioned. (updated May 15, 2014)

Statewide Employment Laws and Policies: 29 states allow for employment discrimination of LGBTQ peoples. 18 states, and Washington DC, prohibit employment discrimination based on sexual orientation and gender identity. Another 3 prohibit it based on sexual orientation only. The good news is that just last month, President Obama signed one of the most sweeping anti-discrimination executive orders ever. Employers with federal contract must not discriminate against LGBTQ peoples, period. Still, there are a lot of employers in those 29 states without government contracts. (updated May 15, 2014)

State Hate Crime Laws: 20 states do not offer specific protection against hate crimes committed against LGBTQ peoples. 15 states, and Washington DC, protect against hate crime committed specifically against LGBTQ peoples. Another 15 states protect against hate crimes committed based specifically on sexual orientation, only. In fairness, and full-disclosure, 14 states have anti-hate crime legislation on the books, but do not protect LGBTQ people specifically. And solidarity goes out to the people of color, non-Christian, disabled, and anyone else not perfectly mainstream who are living in the 5 states that offer no hate crime protection for anyone, at all: Arkansas, Georgia, Indiana, South Carolina, and Wyoming. (updated June 19, 2013 – information on every state not available)

Statewide School Anti-Bullying Laws: 32 states do not offer laws specifically protecting LGBTQ students from being bullied. 18 states, and Washington DC, have laws protecting LGBTQ children from being bulled at school due to their sexual orientation and/or gender identity. The good news is that all but 1 state offer anti-bullying laws, regulations, or policies, either in general or specifically protecting LGBTQ students. Montana is the lone hold-out against anti-bullying laws. (updated May 28, 2014)

Statewide School Non-Discrimination Laws: 37 states do not offer laws against the discrimination of school children based on sexual orientation and/or gender identity. Think about that one for a second – there are states that think it is perfectly okay for teachers, administrators, and school districts to discriminate against children based on who they are. 12 states, and DC, have laws against school discrimination based on sexual orientation and gender identity. 1 state has laws against school discrimination based on sexual orientation only. The good news is there are 4 other states that at least have policies and regulations against discrimination due to LGBTQ status – 3 for orientation and identity; 1 for orientation alone. (updated June 4, 2013)

And this, Poppets, is why I am only so excited about marriage equality. Yes, it is a right, and therefore important. Absolutely. As I have written before, I hope the momentum built by the marriage equality fight continues. I can think of no greater legacy. But until I see that happen, until I see people as fired up about violence, homelessness, the treatment of LGBTQ children and teens – until then, I can only be so excited about a wedding.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you – and each other.

June 1, 2014

It’s Pride Season, Poppets! Are you ready for your annual run-down of Pride events from me? I hope so, because here it is…

June 6-15, Boston – for those of you who like to travel, my hometown throws one of the largest (and one of the best, if I say so myself, but I admit I may be a teeny bit biased) Pride festivals in the country. It lasts the whole week, starting with the flag raising in City Hall at noon on the 6^th and running through the block parties on the 15^th. The parade starts at 11:00 am on Saturday, June 14^th. This year’s Grand Marshals are the governor, Deval Patrick, and the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence.

(http://www.bostonpride.org/calendar/)

June 14, Spokane – bringing it a little closer to home, just over the mountains in Spokane is the Inland Northwest LGBTQA parade. This year’s theme is Out, Loud, and Proud! The parade is Saturday, June 14^th, but there are loosely organized, but still official, events throughout the month, if you find yourself in the area at other times.

(http://www.outspokane.com/parade.html)

June 14-15, Portland – for our neighbors to the south, Portland’s Pride (Pride NW) officially kicks off with the Trans*March on the 14^th and wraps with the parade and festival on the 15^th. Grand Marshals are Conner Mertens & Chandler Whitney, and Daniel Franzese. Plus, Bruce Vilanch is acting as Master of Ceremonies! An added bonus, if you go to the website, you can get 10% of air travel to Portland Pride when flying Alaska Airlines. The ban against same-sex marriages was just lifted last month; head down to Oregon to help them celebrate if you can.

(http://pridenw.org/)

June 19-22, Olympia – in the capital comes Capital City Pride. The weekend starts with a party – as well it should – Thursday night at the Power Up & Dance Party, then goes on for 3 more days, culminating with the parade starting at noon, and the festival starting at 1:00 pm. The sponsor hotel, the Governor Hotel, is offering special rates for the weekend, so be sure to ask about availability.

(http://capitalcitypride.net/)

June 28-29, Seattle – just down the road a bit, and easily accessible both in location and schedule, is the main Pride weekend in Seattle. The weekend starts with Family Day on the 28th and continues through to Sunday night with the parade and other events in Seattle Center. But as with Spokane, there are official Pride events throughout the month, so whenever you’re in town, be sure to check and see what’s going on.

(http://www.seattlepridefest.org/)

June 29-July 6, Victoria, BC – grab your passport and hop the ferry across the water and celebrate Canadian-style. Starting on the 29^th with the Big Gay Dog Walk and wrapping up on the 6^th with the parade and festival, our neighbors to the north are celebrating for a whole week, in a big way. Given David and I have family on the island, I can vouch for how beautiful and welcoming these Islanders are.

(http://victoriapridesociety.org/events/)

July 11-16, Tacoma – start with the flag raising at 4:30 on the 11^th, and prepare to stay busy for almost the whole week. With a blend of history, film, and parties, Tacoma’s Pride has a little something for everyone. Choose your event, or go for the whole 6 days, you won’t be disappointed.

(http://tacomapride.org/)

July 12-13, Bellingham – BELLINGHAM! It’s our weekend! Start with the Pride Family Picnic that Saturday, because whoever you are, if you’re reading this, you are part of the Bellingham Pride Family. Then party your way through the weekend with events for all ages and 21+ - wrapping up with the parade at noon on the 13^th, and Pride Festival until 4:00 pm. Pssst… don’t forget the after party at Rumors!

(http://www.bhampride.org/events.shtml)

August 3, Vancouver BC – in case you fell in love with Canada back in July, or couldn’t make it in the first place, Vancouver’s Pride Parade is one of the largest celebrations in the area. Last year, there were more parade attendees and participants than there are residents of the city! If your time is limited, consider spending the day in Vancouver.

(http://vancouverpride.ca/2014-events/#June)

August 27-Sept 1, New Orleans – bigger than NOLA Pride (which takes place June 20-22: http://www.nolapride.org/pride.htm) is Southern Decadence, the celebration of all things LGBTQ. Taking over much of the French Quarter and almost all of Bourbon Street, this weekend is exactly what it claims to be: a decadent, delicious weekend. Worth the trip, worth the crowds, come early and/or stay late, because even once Southern Decadence is over, you’ve still got all of New Orleans at your command. And if you get here, be sure to drop a line. David and I would love to meet up for a cocktail or two!

(http://www.southerndecadence.net/)

There you have it, Poppets – your local, and not so local, Pride events for 2014. Have fun. Have Pride. And take care of you – and each other.

May 1, 2014

I struggle, Poppets, with the balance between feel-good fluffy articles and social justice articles. On the one hand, I don’t want to be the Pollyanna columnist who only sees the happy things and disregards very real struggles. On the other hand, I don’t want to be the angry, activist contributor to The Betty Pages who only sees the side that still needs work, and always manages to bring people down. I find people who live in either extreme to be tiresome, honestly.

So what’s this month’s struggle? On the one hand, we have the mess with RuPaul’s Drag Race using derogatory terms for transgendered people – and others’ defense of it. On the other hand, we have a new movie coming out on HBO next month about the rise of the AIDS epidemic in the 1980s -  which, while hardly upbeat and happy, shows some promise that I find exciting.

In an attempt to find some balance, let’s start with the kerfuffle around terminology. Now, I have many issues with RuPaul’s Drag Race, but this doesn’t happen to be one of them. There. I said it. In the interest of full disclosure, let me be clear that, as someone who lives outside of the gender binary, I personally find RuPaul’s “She-Mail” segments clever wordplay. And I’m obviously not alone, because his personal use, and the show’s use, of she-mail and tr***y have been defended. Sometimes vociferously. The argument has been that drag is brazen and on the edge. In your face. Modern day punk. It is somehow above political correctness and therefore shouldn’t be policed.

But … that is awfully close to the “but I didn’t mean it that way” and the “but I mean it ironically” and the “it’s just a joke” arguments that have been used for years to justify using derogatory words to describe gays, lesbians, and bisexuals. They are insulting, invalid arguments when they come from outside the community; they are equally insulting and invalid when they come from inside it. The L,G, and B parts of our alphabet soup should be on the frontlines of bringing T acceptance, respect, and awareness into the mainstream. Yes, even the gay men who are also drag queens.

I’ve also read transgendered people coming out and saying “oh, so I have to tell my friends not to call me tranny any longer? Don’t tell me what to be offended by!” To which I, as someone else who isn’t offended, say “get over yourself.” If you aren’t offended, you aren’t offended. If your sense of humor allows this to be funny, great! Your friends can throw that word at you all day, every day. No one is making you stop and to pretend otherwise is being intentionally obtuse. Have some respect for members of your own community who don’t find it funny. Who are hurt. We aren’t dealing with a one-on-one situation. We are dealing with changing a culture – and that includes everyone.

Drag queens – and kings for that matter – are not transgendered people. They can’t reclaim the words any more than men can reclaim “girls” or white people can reclaim the N-word, because the words are not theirs to reclaim. And no amount of cool, radical, or edgy can change that. It’s time to start being respectful of the people we claim to support.

There. Which brings us to the movie, The Normal Heart, coming to HBO this month. Why am I excited about this movie? Lots of reasons. First – I love the play. It’s a beautifully, honestly written work about the rise of AIDS in the 1980s, so the source material is more than solid. Second, they have actually cast – shock – gay men to play gay men. Admittedly, in the 21^st century, that shouldn’t be such a shocker, but it is. Matt Bomer and Jim Parsons actually getting to play gay men is an exciting change.

There are many aspects that make me a little nervous – a straight man still plays the gay protagonist, Julia Roberts is in it, and visibility does not necessarily equal upward movement – however! The script is brilliant, the trailer looks strong, and the casting is solid enough to make me excited to check it out later this month. Meanwhile, if you choose to watch it, I’d love to hear your thoughts on it, as well.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you – and each other.

April 1, 2014

It was another interesting month of trying to decide what to write, Poppets. See, I’ve known for a year that I wanted to write a spring, pre-registration, article on summer camps for LGBTQ kids and families. Then Adam Baldwin – one of my favorite, under-rated actors {Full Metal Jacket, Firefly, Independence Day, Chuck} – showed his tail in a big way. Equating same sex marriage with incest. Implicitly condoning fat shaming. Name calling. Cyber-bullying.

*sigh*

While I batted around an idea about him, and the issues his tweets raised, I decided fuck that. The best way I, personally, can counter that kind of hate is to point toward love. Acceptance. Support. Inclusivity. So yes, Adam Baldwin, I am calling you out. You and your ilk. But I’m doing it by saying “ignore him and his vitriol. Look here instead. Pay attention to these people. Because these people – these places – are worth your time. He’s not. Not any longer.”

Now. Let’s talk about LGBTQ summer camps, shall we? Because while we don’t often think about The Betty Pages as being a family-friendly publication, there’s really no reason for it not to be. I mean, Betty is a parent. David and I are parents. Somehow, I suspect a lot of you are parents. Some of our kids are straight, coming from LGBTQ parents. Some of us have LGBTQ kids. Whatever the familial make-up, having kids and wanting the best for them hardly precludes any of us from reading The Pages.

But summer can be a tough time for kids who live outside the hetero-standard. Often, if they are LGBTQ themselves, they face ostracism and bullying for being who they are. Often, if they are straight, but come from same-gendered parents, once that gets out, they face ostracism and bullying because of who we are. It doesn’t have to be that way, though. Camp Ten Trees and Camp It Up! believe it can be – it should be – different. And they set out to make it different.

Camp Ten Trees, here in Washington, is a traditional, residential (or sleep-away, as we used to call it) summer camp, with traditional activities and events for children and teens. Along with those programs, though, they also offer age-appropriate programs that explore social justice, identity, and empowerment. Archery and self-acceptance, all in one place! As of this year, they are also offering a LEAD (Leadership, Education, And Development) Camper program for teens 16 and 17 years old, which replaces their CIT (Counselor In Training) programs from previous years.

They offer one week for kids from LGBTQ/nontraditional families, and another week for LGBTQ and allied kids. The great part about that is that LGBTQ kids and their straight siblings, or their straight best friends, can still enjoy camp together. This year, those are August 10-16 and August 17-23, respectively, with the LEAD Camper program spread out over both weeks. www.camptentrees.org or 206-288-9568 for more information.

Camp It Up! down in California, is a non-traditional camp in that it is multigenerational and family-focused. The whole family, from toddlers to grandparents, can come for 4 nights, or 8 nights, and enjoy a vacation that is outdoorsy, yet civilized. With plenty of activities geared toward specific age groups, and whole families, it takes more work not to bond and make friends than it would to enjoy yourselves. At the same time, none of the activities are mandatory, so if you just want time with your own family, in a beautiful setting, surrounded by other LGBTQ families, you can do that, too.

Dates are July 26-August 3, and again, you can stay 4 nights, or 8 nights, depending on availability. http://www.campitup.org/index.html or (510) 338-0370 for more information.

And! Each camp offers sliding scales and will work with you to help keep camp from being cost-prohibitive. So, don’t think you can’t do this for your kids because of finances. Registration has already started, and will fill up fast, so call or click soon.

It’s almost summer, Poppets. The best time to be a kid. And thanks to Camp Ten Trees and Camp It Up!, it’s the best time to be any kid – and that’s worth more than hate, in my book.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you – and each other.

March 1. 2014

I’ve had a jumbled, angry, sad, frustrated article running around in my head ever since the Piers Morgan-Janet Mock interview. Technically, it started as only jumbled and frustrated after the Katie Couric-Laverne Cox-Carmen Carrera interview, but evolved – or perhaps devolved – after the Morgan interview. Every time I sat down to write it, to form some kind of articulate thought, I’d only get so far before it digressed back into incoherent noise. So stick with me, Poppets, while I deconstruct a few thoughts.

First, in my happy, rose-colored world, we wouldn’t be talking about transgendered men and women at all. We’d talk about men and women, period. What their bodies looked like at birth would be irrelevant. Hell, what their bodies look like now would be irrelevant. Who they are is what would matter. The very fact that we have to have trans-activists, and interviews with trans-activists, in the 21^st century is appalling. But I also believe people of color are actually equal to white people; that women should be paid the same amount for doing the same job; and that LGBTQ people should be able to live their lives with the same rights and protections as straight, cis folks. So yeah…my happy, rose-colored world doesn’t exist and I get that. Fine, we still need interviews with transgendered activists.

But what made either of these respected journalists think these interviews were appropriate? I understand an opportunity to educate. In fact, as someone who lives outside of the gender binary, I appreciate an opportunity to educate. But there is so much more that needs to be explained than what these women’s genitals look like. And making blanket statements that they were born men, or used to be boys, completely disregards the entire point of gender – that it doesn’t necessarily align with our sex and just because our bodies are male or female doesn’t mean we were ever that gender.

Still, grudgingly and with reluctance, I can forgive the intrusive questions. Transactivism on this mainstream level is a relatively new thing. Here’s what I cannot forgive – the utter bullshit that followed after the interviews. First, Katie Couric got called out and, instead of expressing remorse or even simple understanding that she had mis-stepped, she talked about “teachable moments.” Great. Let’s teach then. Let’s teach about the violence and discrimination that face transgendered men and women every day. Let’s teach about the struggles for acceptance within the LGBTQ community and the straight, cis community. Let’s teach about states where the laws don’t protect transgendered people’s basic human rights, and often explicitly take them away. Those are the important teachable moments, not what someone’s genitalia looks like.

Then there was Piers Morgan, who managed to double down, not once, but twice. First, he offered up one of those faux-ally moments, giving an interview to Janet Mock because he’s an ally – while throwing her under the bus for sensationalism-driven ratings. Then, he brought her back to further the conversation, but instead of actually listening to her and trying to understand where he’d gone wrong, got defensive and angry that she hadn’t kissed his ass for being willing to have her on the show in the first place. And finally, to cap it all off, he brought a bunch of cis-gendered people on to explain why he’d been offensive. Instead of, you know, learning it from the woman he’d offended. With friends like this, Poppets…

And don’t for a moment believe that race didn’t intersect in these two situations. White people believe themselves to have rights to black bodies, black spaces, especially those of black women. And when you look at Laverne Cox, Carmen Carrera, and Janet Mock, you see black women. If one is a white person, as Piers Morgan and Katie Couric are, one’s socialization kicks in and says they are fair game. At that point, Morgan and Couric had two options: they could give into that socialization, or they could fight it. We know which they chose.

But it kept coming. For every voice on social media and in comments online and forums speaking out against the offensive questions, there were more shouting them down. Telling the people who came out in favor – truly in favor – of the three women being interviewed to sit down, shut up, be grateful for national exposure, accept breadcrumbs, even if they were tainted. And it wasn’t just the straight, cis folks doing the shouting. It was us, too. It shouldn’t have been – and it was.

The “LGBTQ community.” That’s how we refer to ourselves, Poppets – “community.” And community is a powerful thing. Only it’s easy to forget the “T” part of our community. It’s easy to forget these men and women aren’t drag queens, or caricatures, or circus performers, but are people. People who aren’t here just to entertain or educate us. People who are supposed to belong in our circles. Who are supposed to be able to trust we’ll have their backs, even when the straight, cis community doesn’t. Because that’s what “community” means. At least, that’s what it’s supposed to mean, and what I hope it can mean.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you – and each other.