August 2012

It’s summer, Poppets. Remember when that used to mean freedom? No school, longer days, fewer rules. Every day was an adventure. As adults, summer doesn’t mean that so much. The commute is hotter. Places are more crowded. Tempers are a little shorter. We are five months out from peace on earth, goodwill to men and really can’t be bothered with that in this heat.

But… remember when that used to mean freedom? I vote we say fuck it, Poppets. Not to everything. Not even for long. Just for a day, two at the most.

What was your favorite thing to do as a summer kid? Think about it. And now think about when was the last time you let yourself do it? When was the last time you had the time? Or took the time?

Picnics were a big deal when I was a kid. McDonald’s was actually running a commercial one of my childhood summers, and these people grabbed a huge bag of food and took it to a park. I bought into the advertising dream hook, line and sinker. Thirty-five years later, I still remember the ad campaign – and I still love taking a big bag of food down to the park. I’ve moved beyond McDonald’s, but the concept is the same. David and I – or just me, when I’m alone – will pack a lunch, grab a blanket and a book, and head down by the river. And these days, one can never rule out a nap in the shade after lunch. (Lake Padden Park; Boulevard Park; Fairhaven Park; Cornwall Park; Samish Park…so many to choose from!)

Water parks. Another amazing day. Sun block and flip flops and water wings. I would’ve told you I had outgrown water parks until just a few years ago. I was juggling two books and had deadlines back to back. The stress was beginning to take its toll. A friend of mine asked me to join her and two of her other friends, as the fourth to a local water park. I had an absolute blast. It was fun; it was peaceful. We laughed so hard. The stress melted away. I certainly couldn’t work; there was water everywhere. But when I went back to work the next day, my mind was clearer and I was far more focused. (Birch Bay Waterslides, in Blaine, WA)

I grew up in a town without a zoo, but my grandparents’ town had one. Now, I recognize this was the smallest, saddest little zoo you’re ever going to see, but at the time? At the time, it was nothing short of an African safari. I loved the apes and the big cats and the elephant could make my day. (Woodland Park Zoo, Seattle; Cougar Mountain Zoo, Issaquah)

Another summer draw was the boardwalk. The ocean to one side, fun shops to the other, and an ice cream cone in my hand. Who can resist, even now? (Fairhaven, WA)

The point, Poppets, is to take a day and revisit a happier, more peaceful time. Whatever that means to you. Part of what makes this part of the world so wonderful is that we have access to just about anything we want. If none of these float your boat, or take you back, do your own thing. Find a way to enjoy yourself, to say fuck it. Read a book under a tree, wear a fabulous hat, dance in a rainstorm. Be silly. Be childlike. The world will wait. The stress will still be there when you’re done, I promise. For now, it’s summer and the adventure awaits…

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

July 2012

I’ve been thinking about labels a lot recently, Poppets. Labels and who gets to use or approve them. Now, I’m not talking about privileged people using derogatory terms that should only be used by the marginalized people in question, i.e. white people using the n-word, straight people using the f-word, or men calling women girls. No, I’m asking about if someone chooses a label for themselves, can anyone else deny them that truth?


I know people who identify as bi-sexual, but who have only had sex with one gender. To me, this is a no-brainer. We all know who we’re sexually attracted to before we actually get around to the having sex part. Yet, I know many of these same people have gotten grief for identifying as bi. The attitude seems to be that she must be a lesbian if she’s never slept with a man. Or he must be straight if he’s only ever slept with a woman. Or he must be gay because he sleeps with men, as if his attraction to women can be disregarded.


Once you get into non-transitioning gender identity, it gets even more convoluted. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard people say someone isn’t really transgendered because they aren’t transitioning. Or heard someone who identifies as bigendered, or genderqueer, be told they are trying too hard – and that’s if bigendered is even acknowledged as real.


Now, I know what a large part of the problem is. It’s the people who use our labels for convenience. You know who I mean. The beautiful co-eds who are willing to kiss on their girlfriends and giggle that, of course they’re bi, in order to pick up guys in the bar. Or the guy who says something oh so witty like “I’m tri-sexual; I’ll try anything” in order to get the threesome, but really just wants to screw his buddy’s girlfriend. There’s even a group of straight, female romance authors who, after being called out for their depiction and co-opting of gay, male culture, have all miraculously come out as transgendered, rather than admit they’ve overstepped and don’t deserve cookies. There’s been no word yet on how their husbands reacted when they learned they were all married to men. With friends like these…

In all seriousness, though, as a community, and as individuals, we’ve all got wounds and scars. Closeted, open, or out, we all know what it’s like to be rejected at a core level, which makes us wary. Which makes us suspicious. After all, we’ve all got our scars. Where are theirs? These people who come out so lightly? It is easy to assume the person in front of us isn’t who they are claiming to be, when their truth differs from ours.

No, I don’t believe those other writers are transgendered – but I also know many people do not believe my dear, wonderful husband is gay, either. He is, after all, married to me. He and I know our truth, and no one can take it, or change it, just based on their perceptions. But people have, in the past, and may again, reject us and try to minimize us for not “really” being who we are.

So, am I wary? Am I suspicious? You’re damn right I am. And, at the same time, should I ever be face-to-face with one of those writers, I’ll listen to her story, I’ll look into her eyes, and I’ll accept her truth, if it aligns perfectly with mine or not. I think, maybe, that’s the best thing any of us can do for each other anyway.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

June 2012

We are living in dizzying times, Poppets, and not in the good way. More often than not these days, I feel like a pin ball, bouncing faster and faster between bumpers. DADT is repealed; DOMA is still in effect. North Carolina votes for a constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage; the President comes out in favor of same-sex marriage. The federal government stops defending DOMA; the House of Representatives reaffirms its commitment to the law. The governors of Rhode Island and Illinois come out in favor of same-sex marriage; a Mississippi legislator quotes Leviticus (which, in case you don’t know, calls for gay men to be put to death). And need I say that issues unrelated to marital status are even more dizzying? No, I didn’t think so.

According to a wicked cool graph sent to me by one of my best friends, the core issues of hate crimes, housing, and employment break down as confusingly as same-sex marriage. While 31 states have protections against hate crimes due to sexual orientation, only 14 states protect against those same crimes based on gender identity. Housing protections are afforded to LGB peoples in 21 states, and only 17 to the Ts in our alphabet soup. Finally, only 22 states protect employment based on orientation, and 17 based on identity. (http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/interactive/2012/may/08/gay-rights-united-states)

It’s loud, chaotic, and confusing. Given the noise, it is more important than ever to be diligent, especially in an election year. Know your allies and your enemies.

Each side has its own spin, and if you don’t listen too closely, they might sound pretty good. That doesn’t mean they are. Do your own research; figure out your own priorities. Know what – and who – serves your best interests.

Federal elections take center stage, and that’s okay. But pay close attention to your state elections, as well. What the federal government doesn’t legislate, the states will - and our rights are being addressed at both levels.

Same-sex marriage is an important issue. It’s not the only important issue. Federal elections are important every election year. State elections are just as important this year. Don’t let them bounce you back and forth between bumpers. Don’t be distracted by the lights and the noise.

We’re on the right path, Poppets. Let’s stay there.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

May 2012

Get ready, Poppets, because we’re moving into Pride season, and what a season 2012 is shaping up to be! While most events take place next month, you can find a way and a place to show your Pride all summer long.

Start in Olympia, the weekend of June 8-10. Traditionally, this has been a smaller, very family-friendly event and it certainly seems to be what they are aiming for this year, as well. If you’ve got little ones, this might be a good choice for you. The kickoff is the night of June 8th at the Urban Onion. The fun really begins, though, at the festival, which runs the 9th and 10th in Sylvester Park. Even the hours are family-friendly: Saturday, 10:00-5:00 and Sunday, 10:00-3:30. Catch the Parade Sunday, too, starting at the Capital building. Check www.capitalcitypride.net for more information.

Next up is Portland and Pride NorthWest. Be at the festival in Tom McCall Waterfront Park on Saturday, June 16th from noon to six, or the 17th, during the same hours. The Parade is Sunday, as well. They are requesting a couple of things. First, a $7.00 donation to attend the festival would be a really cool thing, but it is only a donation suggestion, not a mandatory ticket. Second, parking is minimal, so if at all possible, walk or take the light rail. More information can be found at www.pridenw.org.

You can be in Seattle June 21-24 at the Seattle Center. This one’s huge, Poppets, and if you’ve never been, I highly recommend it. There are men’s parties; there are women’s parties. This year, there are four stages of (almost) nonstop entertainment over four days. That being said, Sunday is the really big day. The formal, official festival runs from noon to 8:00 pm, immediately after the Parade. Enough goes on that I’m simply going to refer you to www.seattlepride.org and www.seattlepridefest.org for all the deets.

Surely, you know what July brings, right? July brings Pride to Bellingham – and our beloved Betty reigns supreme (as she always does). July 11-15, starting with a kickoff at Rumors with Betty Desire! It’s at 10:00 pm. I know you’ll be there. The 12th is an all-ages dance at the Depot Market Square. The $3.00 donation goes to local charities, so it’s important and worthwhile. So, honestly, is this dance, in my opinion. All-ages dances may seem passé or boring or beneath those of us who can – and do – drink legally, but we’ve got kids being bullied, being hurt, and even killing themselves because they are gay. I cannot stress the importance of adults who love, accept, and act as strong role models for all ages. Please, Poppets, attend this dance. Show the next generation we’ve got their backs. It’s another $3.00 donation, and seriously worth it. Friday night, The Betty Pages turns eight! Show your love at Rumors again. No cover before 10 and free food. Saturday and Sunday, it gets really big. Betty’s throwing a picnic, people are dancing and dressing, and the celebration kicks into high gear, culminating with the Parade on Sunday. If someone wants more information, point them to www.bhampride.org. Everything you want to know is there.

But I promised you all summer, and I plan to deliver. Head over the border to Vancouver B.C. August 3-5 and celebrate there, as well. It’s closer even than Seattle, let alone Portland or Olympia! If you can only get away for one day, make it the 5th. The festival begins on Sunset Beach at 11:00 a.m, but the Parade is downtown at noon, so plan wisely. And my favorite event of the day runs from 4:00 to 7:00. It’s the Grey and Glamorous Dance, for “older and aging Queers and Allies.” Again, there’s a $5 donation request, but it’s just a suggestion. If you think you might make it up to our neighbors in the north, check out www.vancouverpride.ca.

Finally, I can hear you now, wondering what’s going on in the queer Mecca of New Orleans for Pride. Surprisingly, the truth is very little. But, NOLA Pride is June 22-24 and you’re going to be in Seattle anyway. However! I would never let you down. Labor Day Weekend – and who doesn’t love an end of summer vacation? – brings you Southern Decadence down here in the Crescent City. If you don’t know, just trust me: it is everything you would expect from something named Southern Decadence. This is not a family-friendly event, nor is it for the faint of heart. It is, however, a city and a people embracing our more…flamboyant side. I’ll leave you to www.southerndecadence.net for more details, pictures, and generalized debauchery. And hope to see you there.

Wherever you celebrate, Poppets, be sure to celebrate. Have Pride. Show your Pride. We are all worthy of greatness – and great Pride.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

April 2012

No doubt by now, Poppets, you have heard about LOGO’s programming change. Everyone seems to have weighed in, and I’m not going to be the exception. Before I start, though, in case you haven’t heard, back in February, LOGO television announced that it was moving away from LGBTQ-centric programming. Are you caught up? Good. Here we go.

The official press release reads:

In the 6 years since Logo launched, there has been a seismic shift in culture and the network’s new programming slate reflects that. From the push for marriage equality, to the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” and even the mass appeal of broadcast TV shows like “Modern Family” all signal a significant movement in today’s culture where “out” characters are celebrated for their success and values and the majority of gays and lesbians define themselves by multi-dimensional notions other than purely on their sexual orientation.

“Culturally, we’re past the tipping point. For gays and lesbians, it’s part of who they are, but they don’t lead with it, because many are leading fully integrated, mainstream lives,” said Lisa Sherman, Executive Vice President of Logo. “Our goal at Logo has always been to honestly reflect our viewers’ lives. We’re now reinforcing our commitment to them with programming that truly mirrors how many of them are living and want to be entertained today.” (http://www.logopressroom.com/press-release/logo-amplifies-culture-shift-with-expanded-programming/)

Ummm….really? Okay. Let’s break it down…

“From the push for marriage equality…” – which we still do not have, nor are we anywhere close to having it nationwide. Lovely.

“…to the repeal of ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’…” – which is only half the battle while DOMA is still in effect. Lovely.

“…the mass appeal of broadcast TV shows…”- such as Billy Crystal’s character, Jody, in the series Soap, which ran from 1977-1981. They’re relying on a statement that could’ve been made in 1978. Lovely.

“…because many are leading fully integrated, mainstream lives,” – and good for them. Seriously. Said without bitterness, sarcasm, or malice. But many, many more of us are still required to be closeted, to hide.

“Our goal at Logo has always been to honestly reflect our viewers’ lives.” – because so many of us are child beauty pageant stars (Eden’s World), family members of mob bosses (Wiseguys), or want to “test the creative talents of dog owners and their canine companions.” (Design My Dog) No, I’m not making that last one up. Someone, please, tell me what it even means.

Not a single new show has an LGBTQ character as the lead of the focus. Instead, we are the quirky, fabulous best friend/sidekick. That stereotype isn’t okay in mainstream programming. Now, LOGO is asking us to be okay with being relegated there on our own station.

I get that many of us don’t “lead with” our orientation. That doesn’t mean we want to be invisible or a subplot. There is still a place for us to be the leads, the focus, more than a sidekick. We can get all the other stuff on Bravo, TLC, ABC, Lifetime – the list goes on and on. Why hand it to us here, on LOGO, too?

Look, I also get that business run on financial decisions. Reality t.v. is all the rage. If LOGO wants to/needs to incorporate this kind of programming into their schedule for that reason, I really do understand. Business is business. But LOGO, after six years of loyalty and keeping you in business, please, don’t add insult to injury by pretending these changes are about us. Attract your straight audiences; make your money. Even tell yourself whatever lies you need to. Just stop trying to feed them to us.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

March 2012

I love it when the articles write themselves, Poppets, I truly do. And given what I wrote about last month, I bet you already know what I’m writing about this month. Yep, same-sex marriage is now the law in our great state of Washington. Thank you, state legislature and Governor Gregoire!

There are others we need to thank as well, though, specifically the Washington United for Marriage Business Coalition. When I first heard about them, my plan was to spell out everyone involved. The really great news, though, is that it is literally a three-page list. While Betty is amazingly patient with me, I’m not going to turn in a three-page list of businesses and call it an article.

What I will tell you is the range of businesses involved is impressive. Massive, multinational corporations, such as Microsoft, Vulcan, Nike, and Starbucks are on board. Movers and shakers of the state, like the Elliott Bay Book Company, the Seattle Restaurant Alliance, and Spokane Wireless have signed up. Independent retailers and small restaurants and cafes, and even law firms…The list goes on and it’s inspiring.

Surely, you know what I want you to do now, don’t you? I want you to go to www.washingtonunitedformarriage.org, check out the list, and decide which ones you can support. Whatever your other politics are, somewhere in that three-page list is at least one company you can patronize. Because it isn’t easy or fiscally safe for businesses to support us – and they did.

Which also means, yep, it’s time to start shopping at JC Penney. What does JC Penney have to do with same-sex marriage? Not a damn thing as far as I know, but same-sex marriage isn’t and shouldn’t be the only issue within our community that we care about. You’ve heard the kerfuffle over Penney’s choosing Ellen as their spokesperson. I won’t rehash it here. Think about it, though:

A major department store is getting grief for having a kind, polite, caring, funny, professional as a spokesperson, just because she’s a lesbian. How does this even make sense?

Yes, JC Penney is standing by Ellen – and us – by keeping her on. So, let’s say thank you. Assure them they made the right decision. Even if you don’t care for their clothing styles, everybody needs socks and underwear eventually.

Vote with your pocketbooks, Poppets. For a single issue and for the larger one of equality. As I’ve said before, stand with those who stand with us.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

February 2012

I’ll let you in on a secret, Poppets: I am a lobster. What does that mean? It means I am hard and crusty on the outside and total mush on the inside. Which also means I’m a sucker for romance, and yes, embarrassingly, Valentine’s Day. I know the arguments. It’s a corporate holiday; it’s all about money; Hallmark and DeBeers have us by the short hairs. Whatever. I love it. When I was single, I would buy myself chocolates and take long, candle lit bubble baths. Now that I’m married, we celebrate very similarly, only I’m no longer alone in that bath. Yep, romance is wonderful. Love is wonderful. Valentine’s Day is wonderful. And … what if we could make it more than just a money-maker for Whitmans chocolates? There’s a national movement trying to do just that.

Marriage Equality USA, GetEqual.org, and California Faith for Equality have joined together to encourage a national day of awareness, Request Marriage (www.requestmarriage.com), on February 14, 2012. Marriage is the ultimate representation of romance, so what better way to celebrate romance than with marriage? On Valentine’s Day this year, those of us who are not married are being urged to apply for marriage licenses. Yes, even those of us in Washington state who have domestic partnership rights.

 Now, there are some very important rules, should you and your partner choose to participate. First and foremost, be polite. This is not an aggressive or antagonistic event. The people behind the counter are simply doing their jobs. They do not make the laws. They are not the enemy. Many of them fully support the rights of LGBTQ peoples. Do not harass them for doing their jobs.

Second, but equally important, do not block straight couples who are successful at obtaining marriage licenses. The whole movement is about gaining that very right, not about taking it away from anyone else. If you engage them at all, do so in order to celebrate with them on their happy day.

Finally, maintain your own quiet dignity. This is not about making a scene. This is about making a statement. Those are two very different things. Do not give them any reason to disregard you as crazy, or belligerent, or just one of “those” people.

If you are a straight couple, you can show your support, as well. The website recommends going to the County Auditor’s office, request a marriage license, and then handing it back, explaining that it isn’t fair that LGBTQ couples cannot marry and so you won’t be filing today. Another option is to simply go down and be there. Witness and stand in support. Hell, you don’t even have to be part of a couple to do that much.

I know that Washington is moving toward making same-gender marriage legal, and that makes me proud. Governor Gregoire has announced that she will throw the weight of her office behind passing the law. Good. She should. But that doesn’t mean we should take anything for granted. Make the statement that marriage equality is vital to wider goal of overarching equality. Make the statement locally, so that it can resonate regionally and nationally.

Marriage licenses can be obtained at the Whatcom County Auditor, 311 Grand Avenue, Suite 103, Bellingham, WA 98225. Make me proud, Poppets. I know you will.

Until next month, take care of you.