October 2008

Hi Poppets! October is always a difficult month for me to be a columnist. Without very strict guidelines about what I’m supposed to write, there are simply too many choices. Even in a non-election year, it’s easy to get political and socially aware.

See October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. How easy would it be to write about how domestic violence within the community is ignored so often? The fact that it is seen as a straight problem. How it is often considered a betrayal of the community to out an abuser. Or simply because the abuser is the more femme one in the relationship, so it can’t possibly really be abuse. Or how a fight between two people of the same gender automatically makes it “fair” so it can’t possibly be abuse? And how so many people go without getting help from counselors, police, shelters, hotlines, their friends and family, simply because domestic violence “doesn’t exist” in the community. It would be so easy to reassure you, Poppets, that if you feel you are in an abusive relationship, you don’t have to hide. That there are indeed services available to you, right here in Washington. That if you are male, female or transgendered, you can contact the North West Network at PO Box 18436, Seattle, 98118 or call them at (206) 568-7777 and they will listen, they will believe you, they will help. It would be easy to write about how you are not alone and you do not have to be afraid.

But it is an election year. One of, if not the, most important election years many of us have ever seen. If you are liberal or conservative, Democrat, Republican or Independent, there are certain facts that are undeniable. Financial institutions are going under. Unemployment is rising. The Supreme Court justices are getting older. The next president of the United States will be in a position to sign or veto: the Matthew Shepard Act; nondiscrimination laws that protect all members of our community, including transgendered peoples; a bill amending the Constitution to define marriage as between a man and a woman. He will also, most probably, appoint as many as three Supreme Court justices to the bench, where they will serve for the rest of their lives. If you have a good, stable job, it’s easy to ignore the economy. If you aren’t connected to anyone in the military, it’s easy to ignore the war. But the rest of this, these are issues that affect us and our lives directly. These are the issues we cannot afford to ignore, whatever side of the aisle we are on. So how much easier does this election year make it to write a socially aware, political article?

And yet, in spite of all that, it’s Autumn. My favorite season. There’s that fabulous smell in the air. The leaves start to change. It becomes cool enough during the day to warrant a light sweater and cooler at night so it’s perfect for snuggling in front of a fire. Seattle hosts the LGBT Film Festival. Harvest festivals spring up at local farms and farmers’ markets and even the zoo. Haunted houses and corn mazes are put on by high schools and in parking lots. Decorations from fun and witchy to gentle reminders of Harvest show up. Pumpkins and apple cider and hay rides, all leading up to the fabulously over-the-top night that can be Halloween. The time for parties, revelry and festivities that will last through the New Year officially begins. How can I not write an article about my favorite season?

Yep, Poppets, it’s true. October is the most difficult month for me to be a columnist. Too many choices, too many articles begging to be written. So, I won’t choose. I’ll simply remind you that you’re not alone, to be aware and to enjoy the onset of Autumn.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

Subscriptions

Hi Blog Poppets! We're breaking from the norm here for just a moment. This isn't an article but more like a PSA. Or maybe I should call it a BSA ~ a Betty Service Announcement. I have just learned that people outside the catchman area of the Betty Pages can get a subscription. It is, however, expensive. Still, I figure it's my job to let you know about it, not to decide it's too expensive. So, here's the info (and at least they realize it's expensive!):

... anyone (in the U.S. anyway) is more than welcome to purchase a subscription. The cost is $40 for 1 year (12 issues). We handle so few subscriptions that currently we pay full retail for all of the materials and postage, but if we get more as time goes on, renewal rates may be lower in the future.

To start a subscription, just have them send a check or money order payable to “Desire Enterprises” along with a delivery mailing address to:

The Betty Pages - Subscriptions
c/o Desire Enterprises
PO BOX 2724
BELLINGHAM WA 98227-2724

There you have it. If you want the full Betty Pages, you can get the full Betty Pages. If you want to just keep reading my columns, The Life and Times of Bridget Adams remains absolutely free.

Until next time, Poppets, take care of you.

September 2008

Hi Poppets! It is truly a great thing when an article writes itself. I actually could’ve sent this in within 24 hours of submitting last month’s column – and almost did – so, if anything, I’m coming to this party a little late. Still, I decided not to bombard Richard and Betty with articles last month so I’m just asking this question now: Have you started eating at McDonald’s yet?

Odds are excellent that you know why I’m asking but for those of you who don’t, a quick summary. The American Family Association (AFA) has called for a boycott of McDonald’s because they have given monies to the National Gay and Lesbian Chamber of Commerce and now hold a seat on its board of directors. The AFA describes itself this way: a non-profit organization that “represents and stands for traditional family values, focusing primarily on the influence of television and other media – including pornography – on our society.” (citation – www.afa.net, permission granted under copyright) They have this to say about the boycott: “the boycott is not about hiring homosexuals; it is not about homosexuals eating at McDonald’s; it is not about how homosexual employees are treated. … It is about McDonald’s as a corporation, refusing to remain neutral in the culture wars. McDonald's has chosen not to remain neutral but to give the full weight of their corporation to promoting the homosexual agenda, including homosexual marriage.” (citation - http://www.boycottmcdonalds.com, permission granted under copyright)

It sounds pretty reasonable. While I respect corporations that take a stand on political issues, I don’t disrespect corporations that remain neutral. Remaining neutral and maintaining the status quo is a perfectly legitimate corporate response. After all, they aren’t in business to be political; they are in business to make money. That’s what corporations do. So what’s my issue?

The AFA states the boycott is solely about McDonald’s not remaining neutral. It’s not, according to them, about McDonald’s supporting the LGBT community. They just didn’t remain neutral.

Only when Exxon merged with Mobile and took away domestic partnership rights, that wasn’t remaining neutral. That was switching out the status quo. Yet there was no call from the AFA for an Exxon boycott. No outrage that Exxon hadn’t remained neutral, hadn’t maintained the status quo. Too vague for you? According to the AFA website, they “…also believe in commending those companies which act responsibly regarding the programs they support.” (citation – www.afa.net, permission granted under copyright) So…what happened to neutrality? Apparently, neutrality is in the eye of the beholder as far as the AFA is concerned.

Think this boycott has no teeth? Think that people won’t give up the convenience of their quarter pounders with cheese just for this? Think again. Some of the most effective boycotts in the country have been spear-headed by the AFA. They helped bring about changes in the corporate policies of Wal-Mart, 7-11 and Burger King. These aren’t little Mom and Pop places, holding on by a thread. When the AFA calls for action, they get results.

So let’s call for a little action ourselves. Let’s put our money where our mouths are, almost literally. Even if you dislike their food, McDonald’s sells coffee, sodas, tea and bottled water. They have salads that don’t completely suck. Vegetarian, vegan or health guru, there is still something you can buy at McDonald’s. If you want, follow that up with contacting McDonald’s directly. Let them know you support them, that you are intentionally giving them your money. But mostly, give them your money. Let the AFA boycott loudly. We can spend quietly. And if enough of us do, we’ll speak volumes.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

August 2008

Hi Poppets! God, but I’m loving the Pacific Northwest. Yes, my heart will always belong to Boston but let me tell you, it doesn’t suck out here.

I’ve spent the last 35 years – I’ll give myself until the age of three – never quite fitting in, being the freak. Luckily, I have been able to surround myself with amazing friends who love me because of and in spite of my quirks. My family has been supportive of who I am, even when they really didn’t get it. For all of them, the fact that I don’t quite fit in is part of my charm.

Outside, though, in the bigger world, people haven’t always been as accepting. I rarely engender a neutral reaction in people. Upon seeing me, not even meeting me, just seeing me, people usually have a strong reaction. Sometimes it is adoration. Sometimes it is disgust bordering on abhorrence. While I never try to create reactions, I also no longer worry about not creating them. I just go about my business and my life and let people react however they are going to react. I smile at the people who like me. I smile bigger at the people who don’t. My sister had often heard me explain this phenomenon but had only experienced the positive responses until we were at the mall one day. As we were leaving, she said “Bridget, I saw it a lot today. You mean it when you say they hate you, don’t you?” Yeah. I mean it.

Until I came out here.

Seattle has more burlesque shows, drag performances and pin-up clothing shops than I have been able to visit in a year. But it’s not just that.

One weekend, David and I were at a hotel in Vancouver (WA, not BC) and stepped out so he could have a smoke. It was late. We’d been playing. And while we were street legal, we were hardly in jeans and t-shirts. When we saw there was another couple – dressed in formalwear, nonetheless – already on the smoking balcony, we almost didn’t go out. Thank goodness we did. We ended up having the most lovely conversation with the King and Queen of the Vancouver community. (As an aside, my goal in life is to be as beautiful as she was. *sigh*)

Another night in Portland, I was asking a young woman about tattoo artists in the area. When she asked what I was looking for, I pulled up my skirt and showed her the large, intricate tatt that runs the length of my calf. It has always been described as “scary” so I was prepared. She looked at it and said “Well, that’s pretty standard so really anyone in town could do something like that.”

Poppets, out here, I’m normal. Hell, I’m positively mundane…and I love it. I have never wanted to fit in, to conform to societal rules, to be *that* girl. I enjoy wearing heels with Capri pants and corsets to a nice dinner. I laugh when I’m happy and don’t worry about if people stare. I’m bad at dropping hints and good at asking for what I want. I own my space and expect others to own theirs. And yes, I have flames and a broadsword up my left calf.

At the same time, I have never wanted to stand out for the sake of standing out. I have always just wanted to be me and to have that be okay with the wider world. Sadly, that hasn’t always been the case. Until now. In a place where “normal” can mean anything, even me.

So enjoy the rest of your summer. Embrace everything you are. Break a couple societal rules and breathe easy. You’re as normal as I am.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

July 2008

Hi Poppets! I admit it, California’s supreme court ruling has me practically mushy. Yes, even cynical, jaded, little ol’ me has a soft inside. Sometimes. But when George Takei, Mr. Sulu himself, can finally get married, well, if that doesn’t get my romantic side in gear, I don’t know what would. As my sister put it, I’m not sure I’ve cared about a celebrity wedding…Ever.

There is another side of California’s ruling, though. One that has nothing to do with warm fuzzies or happily ever after. It’s purely economic. According to a UCLA study, gay marriages could pump over $650 million into California’s economy and create over 2000 new jobs. That’s impressive. At the beginning of a recession, when many small businesses are just hoping to hold on, that’s even more impressive.

Which got me thinking (that cynical, jaded side never goes away for long): How many of these vendors would have welcomed same-sex couples a year ago? Or three? How many would have supported the LGBT community before we were the big economic boom?

I don’t have an answer. But I do know there are vendors here in Washington who do support the community. Right now. In spite of laws that say we can’t actually marry. In spite of the fact that openly supporting us can still cause a backlash. That’s impressive. At the beginning of a recession, when many small businesses are just hoping to hold on, that’s even more impressive.

It’s only a matter of time before the laws change. We will be able to marry the person we love, regardless of gender, here in Washington. I truly believe this. Which makes it more important that we support the businesses – right now – that support us, right now.

Next time you need something, go to www.purpleunions.com or www.gayweddings.com or www.lambda-gay-weddings.com and search for local businesses. Use the caterers you find here for your next office party. Hire these photographers to shoot your family portraits. Take vacations at these bed and breakfasts. Send flowers from these florists to your parents on their anniversary. And if you are going to California, consider paying the extra to have a local officiant come with you. Wouldn’t you rather know the person standing in front of you, anyway?

Our weddings are going to be big business in time. It’s up to us to give these vendors that time. They are the ones who deserve to reap the economic benefit that will eventually come. They are the ones who deserve to still be in business in a year or two or five when they can be our wedding caterer, florist, site, etc. They are the ones who support us. Let’s us support them.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

June 2008

Hi Poppets! Something that I’ve realized is themes tend to show up in several places at once in my life. If I am dealing with an issue, my friends and family are probably dealing with the same issue. And even, occasionally, that theme will show up societally. This time is no different. The theme that is presenting itself right now is the concept of being “too” something or “not enough” something. In other words, stereotypes.

Nationally, we are seeing it in the presidential race. Depending on who you ask, Barack Obama is often seen as “too black.” Think I’m wrong? Check out the interviews out of the West Virginia primary. Not just the results but the interviews themselves. Hillary Clinton has stopped wearing skirts to keep from being seen as “too girly.” Think I’m wrong? Go back to the flap she instigated by wearing a blouse that showed her collarbones during one of the debates. John McCain – John McCain! – is being accused of being both “too conservative” and “too liberal” all at once. Quite a feat for a lifelong, well-established Republican.

Personally, I have black friends who are dealing with being told they are “too white.” I, often, get accused by people who don’t know me well, of trying to be black – which is really the same thing as saying I’m “not white enough.” And currently, my gay male partner, David, is being told he isn’t gay enough by many in the gay community but isn’t straight enough by people in the straight community. My presence simply confuses both factions. Too straight because he has a strong woman as a partner; too gay to have a strong woman as a partner.

Ummmm…Hm. Okay.

Now, as far as David goes, I can understand a certain level of confusion. Here is a gay man who has fallen in love with and chosen to partner with a person and this person is female. I am not the least offended when people ask us questions for clarification or curiosity. It’s when people start getting angry at him and excluding him from his community, when people start accusing me of being nothing more than a fag hag, when people start insisting we meet certain behavioral standards, that I start getting angry back. Especially when, in other circles, people get angry with him for not being “manly” enough and upset with me for being with someone who is “too soft.”

What, after all, is gay enough? Does David have to dress flamboyantly? Use the word “fabulous” all the time? Act and behave like Carson Kressley or Jack from “Will and Grace” to be “gay enough?” Or must he chew down trees and only wear ball caps before he is “straight enough?” Trust me, this man behaves…like himself. He is the same person in a straight crowd, in a gay crowd, in a mixed crowd, and here at home.

And again, we aren’t the only ones facing criticism and judgment for not fitting into stereotypes. A man I know is also facing the “not black enough” issue. He is well spoken, has two degrees, doesn’t use the n-word to describe his friends and wears suits to work. Somehow, this is seen as selling out and not staying real. As wanting to be white. Since when is wanting an education, to speak well and to present oneself appropriately in a work environment selling out? Okay. I know the answer to that question. Since always. My real question is Why are we still buying into it?

I understand the social need to form community. We come from different cultures, different backgrounds, different locations. Finding people who accept us, where we can be comfortable, is part of living a vital, safe and interesting life. Embracing our cultures, if they are ethnic, regional or personal, helps us define ourselves and gives us an anchor. I really do understand this.

And yet…we are intelligent, complex creatures. Why are we still holding each other up to very specific attitudinal and behavioral standards before granting acceptance? We teach our children that it doesn’t matter if a person is gay or straight, black or white, rich or poor. What matters is who the person is, that the person has a good heart, has integrity, values kindness. At what point in growing up and becoming adults do we forget that? At what point does how a person dresses or speaks or gesticulates become more important than if they are someone you would like to call friend?

Last month, I wrote about living in a polarized society. Guess what? I wasn’t wrong. I just don’t see why we have to keep making it that way. We cannot get rid of racial differences. We will not get rid of economic differences in our lifetimes. And we shouldn’t (in my opinion) get rid of cultural differences. But I truly believe we can get rid of the insistence that the differences are necessary. We just need to decide that no one is “too” anything and that everyone is “enough.” It won’t be easy. But I have faith we can do it.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

May 2008

Ah Poppets…we live in such a polarized society. White-Nonwhite. Male-Female. Gay-Straight. Rich-Poor. Old-Young. And sadly, we tend to see our world through either-or lenses instead of both-and lenses.

For so many of us, in order for us to be right, someone else has to be wrong. As a society, we have a difficult time with there being more than one right, a problem with different being equally valid. Even those of us who believe ourselves to be above such traps fall into them occasionally. I know I do. Hell, recently I was on the receiving end of a blunt, well-phrased and definitely deserved scolding from one of my editors (it wasn't me - ed.) for falling into said trap myself. Had I thought the article was offensive at the time I wrote it? Of course not. Yet, did I realize it was, once it was shown to me from a different perspective? Although it’s embarrassing to admit, I have to say yes. It probably was.

This either-or dynamic gets played out in such ways everyday. In little ways, as in my situation. In big ways, as in the current presidential run. Every single one of us can point to a time when we have been seen and treated as less-than. But, if we are truly honest, every single one of us can point to a time when we have seen and treated a person or group as less-than, as well.

I doubt we’ll ever be perfect and maybe that’s okay. Growth can’t come from perfection. At the same time, we can – all of us, including and starting with myself – stay aware and try to be better. Not out of a sense of privilege-based guilt or status-based victimization but because it’s an appropriate thing to do. If nothing else, both-and is more interesting than either-or. Any day.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you – and each other.