May 1, 2014

I struggle, Poppets, with the balance between feel-good fluffy articles and social justice articles. On the one hand, I don’t want to be the Pollyanna columnist who only sees the happy things and disregards very real struggles. On the other hand, I don’t want to be the angry, activist contributor to The Betty Pages who only sees the side that still needs work, and always manages to bring people down. I find people who live in either extreme to be tiresome, honestly.

So what’s this month’s struggle? On the one hand, we have the mess with RuPaul’s Drag Race using derogatory terms for transgendered people – and others’ defense of it. On the other hand, we have a new movie coming out on HBO next month about the rise of the AIDS epidemic in the 1980s -  which, while hardly upbeat and happy, shows some promise that I find exciting.

In an attempt to find some balance, let’s start with the kerfuffle around terminology. Now, I have many issues with RuPaul’s Drag Race, but this doesn’t happen to be one of them. There. I said it. In the interest of full disclosure, let me be clear that, as someone who lives outside of the gender binary, I personally find RuPaul’s “She-Mail” segments clever wordplay. And I’m obviously not alone, because his personal use, and the show’s use, of she-mail and tr***y have been defended. Sometimes vociferously. The argument has been that drag is brazen and on the edge. In your face. Modern day punk. It is somehow above political correctness and therefore shouldn’t be policed.

But … that is awfully close to the “but I didn’t mean it that way” and the “but I mean it ironically” and the “it’s just a joke” arguments that have been used for years to justify using derogatory words to describe gays, lesbians, and bisexuals. They are insulting, invalid arguments when they come from outside the community; they are equally insulting and invalid when they come from inside it. The L,G, and B parts of our alphabet soup should be on the frontlines of bringing T acceptance, respect, and awareness into the mainstream. Yes, even the gay men who are also drag queens.

I’ve also read transgendered people coming out and saying “oh, so I have to tell my friends not to call me tranny any longer? Don’t tell me what to be offended by!” To which I, as someone else who isn’t offended, say “get over yourself.” If you aren’t offended, you aren’t offended. If your sense of humor allows this to be funny, great! Your friends can throw that word at you all day, every day. No one is making you stop and to pretend otherwise is being intentionally obtuse. Have some respect for members of your own community who don’t find it funny. Who are hurt. We aren’t dealing with a one-on-one situation. We are dealing with changing a culture – and that includes everyone.

Drag queens – and kings for that matter – are not transgendered people. They can’t reclaim the words any more than men can reclaim “girls” or white people can reclaim the N-word, because the words are not theirs to reclaim. And no amount of cool, radical, or edgy can change that. It’s time to start being respectful of the people we claim to support.

There. Which brings us to the movie, The Normal Heart, coming to HBO this month. Why am I excited about this movie? Lots of reasons. First – I love the play. It’s a beautifully, honestly written work about the rise of AIDS in the 1980s, so the source material is more than solid. Second, they have actually cast – shock – gay men to play gay men. Admittedly, in the 21^st century, that shouldn’t be such a shocker, but it is. Matt Bomer and Jim Parsons actually getting to play gay men is an exciting change.

There are many aspects that make me a little nervous – a straight man still plays the gay protagonist, Julia Roberts is in it, and visibility does not necessarily equal upward movement – however! The script is brilliant, the trailer looks strong, and the casting is solid enough to make me excited to check it out later this month. Meanwhile, if you choose to watch it, I’d love to hear your thoughts on it, as well.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you – and each other.

April 1, 2014

It was another interesting month of trying to decide what to write, Poppets. See, I’ve known for a year that I wanted to write a spring, pre-registration, article on summer camps for LGBTQ kids and families. Then Adam Baldwin – one of my favorite, under-rated actors {Full Metal Jacket, Firefly, Independence Day, Chuck} – showed his tail in a big way. Equating same sex marriage with incest. Implicitly condoning fat shaming. Name calling. Cyber-bullying.

*sigh*

While I batted around an idea about him, and the issues his tweets raised, I decided fuck that. The best way I, personally, can counter that kind of hate is to point toward love. Acceptance. Support. Inclusivity. So yes, Adam Baldwin, I am calling you out. You and your ilk. But I’m doing it by saying “ignore him and his vitriol. Look here instead. Pay attention to these people. Because these people – these places – are worth your time. He’s not. Not any longer.”

Now. Let’s talk about LGBTQ summer camps, shall we? Because while we don’t often think about The Betty Pages as being a family-friendly publication, there’s really no reason for it not to be. I mean, Betty is a parent. David and I are parents. Somehow, I suspect a lot of you are parents. Some of our kids are straight, coming from LGBTQ parents. Some of us have LGBTQ kids. Whatever the familial make-up, having kids and wanting the best for them hardly precludes any of us from reading The Pages.

But summer can be a tough time for kids who live outside the hetero-standard. Often, if they are LGBTQ themselves, they face ostracism and bullying for being who they are. Often, if they are straight, but come from same-gendered parents, once that gets out, they face ostracism and bullying because of who we are. It doesn’t have to be that way, though. Camp Ten Trees and Camp It Up! believe it can be – it should be – different. And they set out to make it different.

Camp Ten Trees, here in Washington, is a traditional, residential (or sleep-away, as we used to call it) summer camp, with traditional activities and events for children and teens. Along with those programs, though, they also offer age-appropriate programs that explore social justice, identity, and empowerment. Archery and self-acceptance, all in one place! As of this year, they are also offering a LEAD (Leadership, Education, And Development) Camper program for teens 16 and 17 years old, which replaces their CIT (Counselor In Training) programs from previous years.

They offer one week for kids from LGBTQ/nontraditional families, and another week for LGBTQ and allied kids. The great part about that is that LGBTQ kids and their straight siblings, or their straight best friends, can still enjoy camp together. This year, those are August 10-16 and August 17-23, respectively, with the LEAD Camper program spread out over both weeks. www.camptentrees.org or 206-288-9568 for more information.

Camp It Up! down in California, is a non-traditional camp in that it is multigenerational and family-focused. The whole family, from toddlers to grandparents, can come for 4 nights, or 8 nights, and enjoy a vacation that is outdoorsy, yet civilized. With plenty of activities geared toward specific age groups, and whole families, it takes more work not to bond and make friends than it would to enjoy yourselves. At the same time, none of the activities are mandatory, so if you just want time with your own family, in a beautiful setting, surrounded by other LGBTQ families, you can do that, too.

Dates are July 26-August 3, and again, you can stay 4 nights, or 8 nights, depending on availability. http://www.campitup.org/index.html or (510) 338-0370 for more information.

And! Each camp offers sliding scales and will work with you to help keep camp from being cost-prohibitive. So, don’t think you can’t do this for your kids because of finances. Registration has already started, and will fill up fast, so call or click soon.

It’s almost summer, Poppets. The best time to be a kid. And thanks to Camp Ten Trees and Camp It Up!, it’s the best time to be any kid – and that’s worth more than hate, in my book.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you – and each other.

March 1. 2014

I’ve had a jumbled, angry, sad, frustrated article running around in my head ever since the Piers Morgan-Janet Mock interview. Technically, it started as only jumbled and frustrated after the Katie Couric-Laverne Cox-Carmen Carrera interview, but evolved – or perhaps devolved – after the Morgan interview. Every time I sat down to write it, to form some kind of articulate thought, I’d only get so far before it digressed back into incoherent noise. So stick with me, Poppets, while I deconstruct a few thoughts.

First, in my happy, rose-colored world, we wouldn’t be talking about transgendered men and women at all. We’d talk about men and women, period. What their bodies looked like at birth would be irrelevant. Hell, what their bodies look like now would be irrelevant. Who they are is what would matter. The very fact that we have to have trans-activists, and interviews with trans-activists, in the 21^st century is appalling. But I also believe people of color are actually equal to white people; that women should be paid the same amount for doing the same job; and that LGBTQ people should be able to live their lives with the same rights and protections as straight, cis folks. So yeah…my happy, rose-colored world doesn’t exist and I get that. Fine, we still need interviews with transgendered activists.

But what made either of these respected journalists think these interviews were appropriate? I understand an opportunity to educate. In fact, as someone who lives outside of the gender binary, I appreciate an opportunity to educate. But there is so much more that needs to be explained than what these women’s genitals look like. And making blanket statements that they were born men, or used to be boys, completely disregards the entire point of gender – that it doesn’t necessarily align with our sex and just because our bodies are male or female doesn’t mean we were ever that gender.

Still, grudgingly and with reluctance, I can forgive the intrusive questions. Transactivism on this mainstream level is a relatively new thing. Here’s what I cannot forgive – the utter bullshit that followed after the interviews. First, Katie Couric got called out and, instead of expressing remorse or even simple understanding that she had mis-stepped, she talked about “teachable moments.” Great. Let’s teach then. Let’s teach about the violence and discrimination that face transgendered men and women every day. Let’s teach about the struggles for acceptance within the LGBTQ community and the straight, cis community. Let’s teach about states where the laws don’t protect transgendered people’s basic human rights, and often explicitly take them away. Those are the important teachable moments, not what someone’s genitalia looks like.

Then there was Piers Morgan, who managed to double down, not once, but twice. First, he offered up one of those faux-ally moments, giving an interview to Janet Mock because he’s an ally – while throwing her under the bus for sensationalism-driven ratings. Then, he brought her back to further the conversation, but instead of actually listening to her and trying to understand where he’d gone wrong, got defensive and angry that she hadn’t kissed his ass for being willing to have her on the show in the first place. And finally, to cap it all off, he brought a bunch of cis-gendered people on to explain why he’d been offensive. Instead of, you know, learning it from the woman he’d offended. With friends like this, Poppets…

And don’t for a moment believe that race didn’t intersect in these two situations. White people believe themselves to have rights to black bodies, black spaces, especially those of black women. And when you look at Laverne Cox, Carmen Carrera, and Janet Mock, you see black women. If one is a white person, as Piers Morgan and Katie Couric are, one’s socialization kicks in and says they are fair game. At that point, Morgan and Couric had two options: they could give into that socialization, or they could fight it. We know which they chose.

But it kept coming. For every voice on social media and in comments online and forums speaking out against the offensive questions, there were more shouting them down. Telling the people who came out in favor – truly in favor – of the three women being interviewed to sit down, shut up, be grateful for national exposure, accept breadcrumbs, even if they were tainted. And it wasn’t just the straight, cis folks doing the shouting. It was us, too. It shouldn’t have been – and it was.

The “LGBTQ community.” That’s how we refer to ourselves, Poppets – “community.” And community is a powerful thing. Only it’s easy to forget the “T” part of our community. It’s easy to forget these men and women aren’t drag queens, or caricatures, or circus performers, but are people. People who aren’t here just to entertain or educate us. People who are supposed to belong in our circles. Who are supposed to be able to trust we’ll have their backs, even when the straight, cis community doesn’t. Because that’s what “community” means. At least, that’s what it’s supposed to mean, and what I hope it can mean.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you – and each other.

February 1, 2014

February can be a difficult month, Poppets. The holidays are over, but spring is nowhere to be found. Valentine’s Day is coming, but even that can be rough if you aren’t partnered. But never fear; I’ve got you covered with plenty to do to help push away the late-winter blahs.

Here in Bellingham, for the ladies among us, the Valentine’s Day Women’s Dance Party is taking place on February 8^th. It’s being held at the Underground Club, right around the corner from Rumors, so you know you can find it. Doors open at 7:00 pm and the dance runs through 11:00. DJ Stacy is going to be spinning, and taking your requests.  This is a 21+ event, so be sure to bring your photo id. Tickets are $10.00 and will be available at the door.

Later in the month, the Human Rights Film Festival comes to Bellingham, for the 14^th year. The themes this year are environmental justice, issues of gender equity and cultural rights, peaceful resolution of conflict, and sensible alternatives to corporatism. Opening night is February 20^th, and shows run nightly through March 1^st. There are several different venues for each night, so check the official website at http://bhrff.webs.com/ for details.

For those of you looking to get out of town for a bit, consider heading to Seattle the weekend of the 14^th. The Museum of History and Industry (MOHAI) has a new exhibit called Revealing Queer opening Valentine’s Day night. The exhibit looks at the LGBTQ community of Puget Sound, and how it has come into its own since before the Stonewall Riots. While the exhibit runs through July 6^th, the night of the 14^th will be a particularly fun night, with gay bingo, a burlesque, and other performances celebrating everything we are. Plus, all the museum galleries will be open. Recommended for ages 16+, feel free to bring along the older kids. From 7:00 pm to 11:00 pm, at the museum, on Terry Avenue N.

If that wasn’t enough gay bingo for you – because, really, is there any such thing as too much gay bingo? – the Lifelong AIDS Alliance is sponsoring a gay bingo fundraiser at Freemont Studios, 155 N 35^th Street, from 7:00 pm to 10:00 pm. A $50.00 ticket gets you admission to a great show and 10 bingo cards. Even better, you support the work done by the Lifelong AIDS Alliance. Know this is a 21+ event. For more information, look to the website: http://www.lifelongaidsalliance.org/gaybingo

Finally, if you’re one of those looking to get out of town, but want to go a little farther afield, allow me to tell you about an event in my hometown of New Orleans – Gay Mardi Gras. Now, let’s be honest, Mardi Gras is a little gay anyway, if the straight, cis folks want to admit it or not. But this Mardi Gras, this really is Gay Mardi Gras. There are events throughout the month, but it really kicks into gear February 28^th and keeps right on going through Fat Tuesday on March 4^th. For more information about the gay krewes and events all month long, the website is http://www.gaymardigras.com/. Come to NOLA and learn the true definition of Southern hospitality.

Who says February has to be dreary and dull? We’re too fabulous for that. Spring is on its way, but that doesn’t mean we have to just sit around until it gets here.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

January 1, 2014

Over the years, Poppets, I have be incredibly vocal about rejecting the pressure of a New Year’s Resolution. And no, I’m not backing off of that at all this year.  But that doesn’t mean we can’t decide what we want this next year to look like, set some goals for ourselves. Goals like…

Being kind to each other. Curb the cattiness this year. Focus less on who a person is on the outside, and pay closer attention to who they are on the inside. Get to know someone you work with, live near, go to school with. Hold a door, or say thank you when someone holds the door for you. It doesn’t have to be a big deal. The small things can make a difference – sometimes a big one.

Giving what we can, when we can. The holiday season is a great time for giving. Food banks and charities are asking for help in force. There are opportunities galore. But the need exists year-round. In fairness, not all of us have a lot to share, but that doesn’t need to stop us. A dollar a week is all it takes. Or put your spare change in a jar and give it away at the end of every month. Maybe buy a can of tuna or chicken soup or a toothbrush every time you go to the grocery store. By the end of the month, the quarter, or the year, you won’t have spent much, but the critical mass you’ve accumulated for the organization will be very appreciated. Last month, I wrote about organizations you could give to. They would love your help throughout the year, too.

Trying something new. I don’t mean “go to the gym every night” something new. I mean go for Indian food instead of ordering pizza. Take an art class. Color your hair – it’s even okay to use a temporary dye to make sure you like it. It can be something you’ve always wanted to try, or it can be something that catches your eye on a whim. Just do something you’ve never done before.

Being kind to yourself. This is my favorite. You know how you can never quite… How you just can’t… How you always manage to screw up the… It’s time to let that go. Embrace what you can do. Delight in your talents. Accept your own greatness.

Picking your friends. If there is anyone in your world who doesn’t support you in all of this, they don’t deserve to be in your world any longer. Anyone who holds you back, no matter how long you’ve known them, doesn’t have a place by your side.

2014 can be a great year. We can all be happy, healthy, confident. With no resolutions, and no guilt. Resolutions are tough; goals can be helpful. Just choose them wisely, because goals can sometimes masquerade as resolutions. Be nicer to yourself than that. You deserve it. We all do.

So, yes, happy new year, Poppets. Until next month, take care of you.

December Extra - The December Project

Hey Poppets, this is a slightly different article than I usually write. My usual In The Mix style article is here, too, so consider this a PSA of sorts. While the holidays are a joyous time for many of us, for others, not so much. For some of us, the holidays can be a reminder of how alone we feel. And for a transgendered person, that loneliness can be even more magnified. It was out of the understanding of this loneliness that The December Project was born.

The December Project is run and staffed by Jennifer Finney Boylan (national co-chair of GLAAD), Mara Keisling (director of the National Center of Transgender Equality), Dylan Scholinski (director of Sent(a)mental Studios), and Helen Boyd (professor at Lawrence University). Two transgendered women, a transgendered man, and the spouse of a transgendered woman, they are uniquely qualified to understand how important a friendly voice can be. The December Project is based on providing that friendly voice to transgendered men and women, and anyone who loves a transgendered person.

Here’s how it works: If you are transgendered, or the partner of someone who is transgendered, and could use a supportive, caring phone call, be in touch with Jenny Finney Boylan. She can be reached at jb@jenniferboylan.net. Email her your name and phone number and one of the four of them will give you a call sometime in the month of December. Know your information will be kept completely confidential, so you don’t have to worry about it if you aren’t out or open. Also, keep in mind that this is a friendly phone call, not therapy. If you are in crisis, call the suicide prevention hotline at -1-800-273-8255. This is about spreading a little happiness, reassuring you that you are loved just the way you are, and building good memories of the holiday season.

If you want more information, you can get it here: http://www.jenniferboylan.net/2013/11/23/trans-holidays-got-you-down-we-will-call-you-on-the-phone/ And if you are someone, anyone, who is lonely this time of year, remember, I think you’re pretty great. None of us are as alone as we feel. The December Project is a great reminder of that. Happy Holidays, Poppets.

December 2013

It’s December, Poppets, and that means my almost-annual article on giving. In the past, I have written about what to give. I’ve even written about how to give. This year, let’s chat about where to give. First, let’s start with the usual caveats – if you aren’t giving this year, for whatever reasons, fine. You know your budget and your heart better than I do, and I won’t judge that. And if you have a favorite charity you like, great! But if you’re looking, maybe I can help.

                  

First, those red Salvation Army buckets outside every store…About those – in case you don’t know, the Salvation Army is notoriously anti-LGBTQ. They try to cloak it in neutrality, but only so long as the LGBTQ person is celibate. If you actually act on your orientation and attraction, they aren’t so neutral any longer. So, try not to drop your spare change in those red buckets, even though they are convenient. Instead, if you want to give to a national organization with a local focus, consider Goodwill Industries of Seattle, with a shop here in Bellingham (http://seattlegoodwill.org/shop/locations/bellingham), United Way of Whatcom County (http://www.unitedwaywhatcom.org/) or Volunteers of America of Western Washington (http://www.voaww.org/). Like the Salvation Army, all three were originally founded through faith-based initiatives, but, unlike SA, all three have evolved to stress including and embracing all people. Each is in need of donations year-round, but especially at the holidays. Contact any of these organizations for details on specific holiday donation needs.

           

If, however, you’d like to stay laser-focused on local charities, that’s easier than you make think. First, the organization Gender Diversity offers support to and education about gender identity/nonconformity. They are based in Seattle, and offer classes and groups here in Bellingham. Unfortunately, this article missed their big November double donation push by a month, but somehow I think they would still appreciate whatever you have to offer. Contact them for more information at www.genderdiversity.org, info@genderdiversity.org, or 1-855-443-6337 (1-855-4GENDER).

           

The Sean Humphries House, right here in Bellingham. The Sean Humphries House provides supported housing arrangements for low-income adults living with HIV/AIDS. The House has year-round donation needs, but also has a list of special holiday requests, if you want to specialize your giving. Their list of requests, and more contact information, can be found at http://www.seanhumphreyhouse.org/ or by calling 360-733-0176.

           

If you want to focus specifically on youth, consider one of these two programs: Amy’s Place for Youth or Northwest Youth Services. While neither of them are exclusively LGBTQ-centric, both are accepting and inclusive.

           

Amy’s Place is a drop-in center for homeless and street-involved youth in Bellingham. Open on Friday and Saturday evenings, it gives teens a safe place to be, get a shower, grab some food, talk to someone. Just be off the street for a few hours. The anti-bullying codes are strict and explicitly include sexuality and orientation. Their budget is tight right now, so every little bit helps. Find out more at http://www.amysplaceforyouth.org or 360-671-5567.

           

Finally, Northwest Youth Services has been providing services for homeless and endangered young people since 1976. They have several programs geared toward fostering self-sufficiency, including the Queer Youth Project, which provides a safe and positive environment for LGBTQ kids and their allies in Whatcom County. Find them here: http://www.nwys.org/about-us/ or call them here: 360-734-9862. 

           

There you go, Poppets. Some places you might not have thought about now that it’s the season of giving. Give a little, give a lot, give what you can – these organizations will be grateful and will use what you give wisely. 

Until next month – until next year – Poppets, take care of you, and each other.