Tuesday, February 1, 2011
February 2011
Let’s start locally. While the Seattle Erotic Art Festival isn’t until Spring, the call for submissions has already come, for those of you who are artistically inclined. The time for all of them is midnight, PST. For Installation Art and the Literary Art Exhibition, Tuesday, February 15. For the Erotic Short Film Exhibition, get it in by Monday, February 28. The Performance Art deadline is still TBA. For more information about submissions and/or attendance, go to http://seattleerotic.org/
A little farther down the coast, in Portland, we’ve got KinkFest 2011 coming March 18-20 and registration is going on right now. Personally, I’m a fan of kink festivals, fetish flea markets, toy fairs, what have you, under any circumstances. This time, I want to point one thing out: KinkFest 2011 is, by their own admission and press release, actively courting the gay male population. Full disclosure, I don’t know the politics behind this, what has happened in the past, or why this year is any different. On the one hand, I’m thrilled with the thought that a group that really needs to be accepting and inclusive is making a concerted effort to be so. On the other hand, I’m curious as to why they need to take this step in the first place and why they are only courting gay men, as opposed to everyone within the community. Without having more information, and not being able to find more, I’m willing to give them the benefit of the doubt and assume this is truly a good faith effort. Note – if anyone has different information, please email me and let me know. I’ll pass it along. Meanwhile, kink is good. Being with other people who understand this is good. You can find more here: http://www.kinkfest.org
Washington, Oregon…California, baby! The nation’s first ever LGBT museum has opened in San Francisco at 4127 18th Street. This is no small thing, Poppets. It’s the story of our history. Where we’ve been, where we are, and where we’re going. The history of a people is important. Right now, new as the museum is, it needs donations and volunteers to stay open. Of course, volunteering is going to be tough for most of us. That doesn’t mean we can’t make donations. Add it as a stop on our road trip and pay the entrance fee. At the very least, talk it up. People won’t go if they don’t know about it. http://www.glbthistory.org/museum
February blahs, my ass. Who needs Spring? Okay, yeah, I do. But here are three blahs shattering ways to help us through until it gets here. Enjoy this time, Poppets. And until next month, take care of you.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
January 2011
When I worked in human services - a long time ago, in another life – we would often get people who had made it through the holidays, made it through New Year’s, but would show up in our offices sometime between mid-January and mid-April, horribly depressed because once again they had failed to lose weight, quit smoking, save money, whatever their resolution had been. They had used this time to try to stop being self-destructive even though there is no reason to think it will work any better now than it does on a random Tuesday in March. But they beat themselves up as if they had failed at something simple.
I was talking to David about this the other day, explaining why I don’t like New Year’s resolutions, when he said something that struck me. He said that there are people who hold out for this particular turn of the calendar with the hopes of not just making a change, but the hopes of forgiving themselves for the past year’s (even years’) sins. They use whatever resolution they make as a manifestation of that forgiveness. But the forgiveness isn’t really there, so the resolution doesn’t stick. When the resolution doesn’t stick, it just proves we don’t deserve to be forgiven. And if we aren’t forgiven, then why do we deserve to stop being self-destructive? It’s a cycle.
It kind of rocked me back on my heels. I’ll be honest; I had never thought of it that way.
So this year, I have a suggestion. Let’s make forgiving ourselves our New Year’s resolution. One year for Lent, a friend of mine gave up self-loathing. For my thirty-fifth birthday, my gift to myself was to embrace my curves and be comfortable in my own skin. Years later, my friend still has the self-confidence she gained that Spring and to this day I rock my plus-size fashion with the sexiest of them. In other words, we can do this forgiveness thing and have it stick.
First, don’t resolve to change any specific, outward thing. Habits, patterns, actions, addictions can all wait for a bit. Second, forgive yourself for not having changed those habits, patterns, actions or addictions yet. You aren’t a failure. Whatever it is, we aren’t bad people. Not at our core. The forgiveness really can be the action this year.
Because here’s what happens - once we’ve forgiven ourselves, we can start to see ourselves as people worth being healthy. Physically. Emotionally. Worthy of not self destructing. When we feel worthwhile, any change we make is more likely to stick, even on a random Tuesday in March. Especially on a random Tuesday in March.
Okay, yeah, this got a little touchy-feely. But you want the truth? I believe every word of it. I believe self-forgiveness is one of the greatest resolutions we can make. I believe we are more likely to make the changes we need to make when we like our core selves first. So, if you have to make a resolution in 2011, try this one.
Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
December 2010
Happy Holidays, Poppets! You know what this means, don’t you? Of course you do. It’s time for my annual column on giving. Honestly, I can’t believe it’s already time to be writing this again. It seems like only yesterday that I was writing 2009’s article. Last year so many people were in hard times that I wrote about critical mass. Guess what? For as much as things have changed over the last twelve months, not much has changed over the last twelve months. At least, not as much as most of us would like. So maybe we should talk about critical mass, again. As usual, if you aren’t giving this year, or can’t give this year, that’s okay. But if you are or want to but don’t know how, here are a few thoughts…
1. Pick an organization or cause you care about and pledge to give them…however much you can every single month of the year. Choose one of the suicide prevention organizations I wrote about last month. Or a shelter you know about. Or the ASPCA. Whatever cause touches your heart. It can be five dollars. Seriously. It can be ten dollars. The individual amounts don’t matter as much as the twelve payments. Remember, we’re looking at critical mass, here.
2. Get in touch with your best friend, your colleagues, your condo association, whomever, and all “adopt a family” together. Or a single child off of the mall’s Angel Tree. Or a senior. The point isn’t to give the most presents or even to give to the most number of kids. The point is to make your money - and your best friend’s, your colleagues’ or your condo association’s money - go the farthest.
3. Get those same people together and everybody pitch in for a single toy. Schools, Toys for Tots, hospitals, human services organizations…again, take your pick and give them one present from all of you. There is no such thing as too small a donation.
4. Every time you go to the grocery store between now and December 23rd, buy one unit of whatever nonperishable food is on sale. Or whatever toiletry is on sale. One. As you leave the store, drop it in the collection barrel that you know every single grocery in the area is going to have up.
5. Think socks. Or underwear. Or mittens. Are they glamorous and exciting? Aw hell no. But you can get them at the Dollar Store and at discount stores and on sale for very little money. And when it’s winter and someone is cold, I promise, they will be prefer to have several pairs of socks over an iPod.
6. Still too much this year? Believe me, I get it; I’ve been there. Look at your own closet. Anything still in reasonable condition that you don’t wear any longer? Coats, sweaters, hats, scarves – all good options, so long as they are gently worn. Even backpacks and purses. Shelters will find use for them.
And maybe, there’s just nothing. There is nothing extra to spend, nothing extra to give. None of us want to be there and yet, it’s the way of the world sometimes. There’s still something. As you walk by someone on the street, holding up their sign, look them in the eye. Acknowledge they are a human being. Tell them you wish you had something for them and that you’re sorry you don’t. Treat them as the equal they are. Show them some respect. It’s so little, it costs us nothing, and yet it can mean so very much. And really, isn’t that what this time of year is supposed to be about?
Whatever you celebrate, Poppets, celebrate it well. Celebrate it joyfully and with thanks. Have a happy holiday, a raucous New Year, and, until next month, take care of you – and each other.
Monday, November 1, 2010
November 1, 2010
It was great in my head.
It sucked as I tried to write it.
Seriously. What sounded eloquent in my head is coming off as trite, patronizing, and condescending as I tried to get it on paper. You deserve better than that. These families deserve better than that. Those kids sure as hell deserve better than that. Because one more empty article written for the sake of pulling on heartstrings is the last thing that needs to be written right now. But these programs, these are real, these are anything but empty. So check these out; find the one you can support; and find a way to support it.
The newest and, honestly my favorite, is called the We Got Your Back Project. Love this project. Their mission spells out a commitment to inclusivity that many other projects may claim to have, but miss in subtle – or often glaring – ways. They acknowledge that the LGBT community actually, you know, includes Bs and Ts and not everyone is white and middle class. Daring, I know. They are new, so still just getting started. Still, the potential here is endless.
Possibly the best known program is The Matthew Shepard Foundation, created by the parents of Matthew Shepard following his murder in a hate crime driven by his orientation. Their online community and resource center is Matthew’s Place. It gives teens a place to gather, talk, meet…from wherever they are.
The Trevor Project offers videos, articles and information for teens struggling with coming out or being out. They also offer a 24-hour/7-day a week telephone hotline (866-488-7386) for suicidal teens. They have trevorspace.org, as well, which is a social networking site for young people ages 13-24.
All three of these sites offer suggestions for straight allies, as well. They also give suggestions on what to do if a suicidal teen comes to you for help. Vital reading for all of us.
Finally, there is the It Gets Better Project. A You Tube page devoted to videos from older members of the LGBT community. The ones who remember what it was like to be a Queer child and teen. Videos that speak directly to today’s teens, assuring them that It Gets Better.
If you know of another resource for LGBT or questioning teens, please drop me a line at lifeandtimesofbridget@gmail.com. I’ll do my best to get the word out. If you know of a teenager who is hurting, reach out to them. We never know where the nugget of hope that keeps a kid alive is going to come from. If you are a teen who is hurting, check these out. Talk to an adult you trust. Call on your local resource center. Or write me. Seriously. That’s my address, up there.
It’s Thanksgiving time. I promise you, there’s reason to be thankful.
Until next month, Poppets, give thanks for what makes you happy, and take care of you.
Friday, October 1, 2010
October 2010
It’s October, Poppets, my favorite month of the year. Autumn arrives in earnest; leaves crisp up; the snap in the air is perfect for sweaters and snuggling. All this and so much more – including and especially, Halloween. And here’s a secret, just between us, when it comes to Halloween, I really miss living in Northern Washington. There are just so many great events that night. Hell, when Halloween falls on a weekend, as it does this year, there are three nights of amazing events. Who wouldn’t want to be there? Since I can’t be, though, here’s where you can find some of the best parties in my stead. Just remember to lift a glass to me. (Note: these are alphabetized by venue; their placement on the list means nothing.)
* Club Vogue at 1509 Broadway, Seattle. Saturday, October 30th, from 9:00 p.m. until 3:00 a.m. Check out the All Hallow’s Eve party. There’s no official theme, so come dressed as you will. At midnight is a fashion show, so fabulousness encouraged. Of course, fabulousness is always encouraged because, well, it’s us. Use the front entrance of the club.
* Purr Lounge at 1518 11th Avenue, Seattle. Sunday, October 31st, from 7:00 p.m. until 2:00 a.m. The Sisters of the Mother House of Washington are hosting Nuns Go Bump in the Night II. Aside from being great fun, it’s also a breast cancer fundraiser, with a suggested $5.00 donation at the door. Halloween, nuns, and helping a good cause. If it gets better, I don’t know how.
* Rendezvous Jewelbox Theatre at 2322 2nd Avenue, Seattle. Saturday, October 30th at 7:00 p.m. and 8:30 p.m. The Urban Bombshell Burlesque Show brings a Halloween cabaret. May I repeat that? A Halloween cabaret. See why I miss the area? Tickets are $10.00.
* Showbox at the Market at 1426 1st Avenue, Seattle. Friday, October 29th, at 9:00 p.m. until 2:00 a.m. Bump Fire + Ice equals a light show, DJs, and a costume contest with a $1000.00 prize. Plus, it, too, is a fundraiser, supporting Gay City, the Seattle Women’s Chorus, and the Seattle Men’s Chorus. Ticket packages are available, starting at $35.00 for a single in advance/$45.00 at the door. But see www.gaycity.org for all the group and VIP options. And remember, there’s the official after-party, Grind, too!
* Triple Door (mainstage) at 216 Union Street, Seattle, brings back the Can Can Halloween Spectacular for the fifth year. Oooo, Poppets. Six shows over three nights. I would be at least one of these. Maybe two. Each night, the 29th, 30th, and 31st, has an all-ages show at 7:00 p.m. and a 21+ show at 10:00 p.m. Tickets are $20.00 in advance/$25.00 at the door.
Five choices for one particularly eerie and wonderful evening. Splurge and overlap some. Or make it a whole weekend. You know you’re worth it, your friends are worth it, and dressing up to match our wildest imaginations is certainly worth it.
Finally, before we go, Poppets, it is October and I am me, which means I need to remind you that it’s Domestic Violence Awareness month. If you or someone you love needs support or help, there are people who will listen, who can help, who understand that domestic violence isn’t just a heterosexual, straight problem. The Northwest Network in Seattle can be reached Monday through Friday at 206/568-7777. Skagit Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Services can be reached 24-hours a day, 7 days a week, at 888/336-9591.
Have fun, be safe, and until next month, Poppets, take care of you.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
September 2010
Can you handle one more month of political stuff, Poppets? I knew you could. Recently, a friend of mine had to call out a woman who claimed to be an ally of the LGBT community. It didn’t go well. The ally got defensive, started deflecting, and ended up losing all credibility as supporter of the community.
It got me thinking, though – what is the difference between an actual ally and someone who has taken a diversity training or has a lesbian co-worker? Is it that they never screw up? God help us if that’s the case. No, I think it’s more about how a person responds when they do screw up. So, without further ado, I present you Bridget’s Guide to Screwing Up With Style:
* There is no such thing as a perfect ally. This is a tough one for those of us who really do care to learn. It is, however, true. You will screw up. Accept it. Learn it. Live it.
* People in the LGBT community will be understanding of the (very) occasional screw up. Where the trouble will come is if you try to justify the screw up. When you try to make the screw up about them. When you get defensive over being called out for the screw up. Odds are good that you didn’t set out to be offensive, duh. Explaining that fact doesn’t win you too many points, because, well, duh. Getting defensive when your intention doesn’t give you a pass on your impact loses you points. Fast.
* If someone calls you out on being offensive, it means you were offensive. This isn’t rocket science. You have screwed up. Apologize. Shut up. Listen. Learn. And remember, listening isn’t the same as staying quiet, waiting until the other person stops talking.
* Your one gay friend or your lesbian college roommate doesn’t speak for everyone. Just because he doesn’t mind if you use that phrase or she found it funny when you did that impersonation, doesn’t mean you aren’t currently being offensive. Don’t use them to defend your current situation.
* Online icons, club memberships, Pride attendance, etc. only go so far. These don’t make you bullet-proof. Hell, even reading (or writing for) The Betty Pages doesn’t make you immune to screwing up. Don’t hold any of these up as ways to deflect from the fact that you have just made a mistake.
And there you go. Mostly, it boils down to own your shit, rather than trying to pass it off. Remember, if someone is calling you out, you have hurt their feelings or made them angry. If you meant to do so or not, this should matter to you. Other people’s feelings should matter to you – especially if you are holding yourself up as someone who cares about their feelings.
There’s more than just these five, of course, but start here. Keep listening. Keep learning. And until next month, Poppets, take care of you.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
August 1, 2010
What is/was interesting is that once I decided to write this article this month, once I started thinking about explaining myself to you, I started to get scared. This is a scary issue to address. People are wary. Legitimately concerned of being led into a trap. People are suspicious. With straight, cis-gendered privilege comes the ability to walk away if it gets too hard. Comes the straightsplaining. Comes the straight guilt. Because, let's be honest, the Special White Woman is just as insulting and degrading as the raging bigot, and worse because she tries to lull you into a false sense of security. You know it. I know it. And here I am, trying to find the words to explain why a straight, cis-gendered woman writes about “our community.”
And there’s the rub. The rub is, for me anyway, the words. Yes, words have specific definitions and that’s all fine and good. But words also have emotional meanings for us. I know people who cringe at the word “activist.” Yet, I also know people who relax once they hear it. Some people don’t want to hear an explanation at all. You either live it or you don’t and your words don’t matter. Other people need the words before they can trust the actions. As a writer, I am well aware of the importance of a properly turned phrase, and the dangers of a poorly turned one. So how do I find the way to explain to you who I am? To re-introduce myself to you? Say too much, and I sound like the Special White Woman. Say too little, and we go back to the who the hell am I, anyway, question. It’s a dilemma. It’s scary. It’s worth a shot.
The fast answer to why I consider myself a part of this community is that my husband, David, is gay. No, he’s not bi; he’s gay. He lived closeted for years, before finally coming out to himself and a handful of close, trusted friends. Neither one of us expected to fall in love. He was terrified of making another mistake that would send him back into the closet, and probably divorce court. I wasn’t the least bit interested in being a beard or a cover of some sort. We fell in love anyway. He’s not back in the closet and I’m not a beard. We are lucky enough to have been able to fall in love with people instead of just genders. As his spouse, his issues are mine. From the ones any couple faces like finances and employment and an aging father and a rebellious teenage son to ones that are more unique to our community like decisions about coming out and a legal system that doesn’t recognize him as truly equal to straight, cis-gendered men. These are my issues, every single day. Anyone who would try to tell you otherwise has never been in love.
Another fast answer is that human sexuality, orientation and identity is so vast a spectrum, it’s difficult for me to place myself on one fixed spot on it. Am I straight? In that I am not sexually attracted to other women, yes. Am I cis-gendered? In that I do not need to give up my female-ness to be in a male body, yes. But I do not believe, since we are being honest among ourselves, that our answers - our sexuality, orientation and identity - are that cut and dried. Western society in general, and American society specifically, is distressingly closed-minded about these issues. Americans like to pretend that because we acknowledge LGBT options, we’re being inclusive. But the spectrum is greater than the five points that make up Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgendered, and Straight. And it’s certainly about more than who we want to fuck or who we want to be when we fuck them. Straight and cis-gendered define me because I have no other options, because once again, I am trapped by my words.
Since there are fast answers, it follows logically that there is a not-so fast answer. That there is, perhaps, a downright convoluted one. Never let it be said I am not logical. I consider the LGBT community “my” community because it is the only community I have ever known. Bear with me if you will…I walked into my first drag club when I was twelve. It was New York City and my friend knew the stage manager of the show. I’ve often wondered how they got away with having me there, in what was in essence, a bar. But it was the early-80s and it was NYC and maybe all that played into my favor. The point is I was there. And for the first time in my young life, who I was was…fine. From the bar backs to the stage crew to the performers, I was accepted. Looking back on it now, I have no doubt they were highly amused by the short, round little girl from the small Southern town trying so hard to be city cool – but they didn’t show it. They didn’t treat me like a problem to be solved or an outcast to be pitied the way most other adults in my world did.
From there on out, straight, mainstream culture never resonated with me. Whenever I would move, which was often, it was within the local LGBT community that I found friends, love, acceptance, and family. It was here, in these clubs, community centers, theatres, bookshops, reading groups, and cafes, where I was welcomed as exactly who I was, instead of being expected to change if I wanted to be allowed in. I was never treated as an outsider. Hell, I was never even treated as just an ally. I have been wrapped up, given cookies, and brought into the fold. This is my community, our community, because I have been assured it can be.
This community is my home, my family. Like all families, we can laugh and joke – and make each other crazy. But we do so with the knowledge of shared experiences and respect, love and yes, constancy. And that’s why I write for The Betty Pages.
Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.