November 2012

It’s November and there is so damn much to write about this year, Poppets. Being me, I’m going to focus on the election, though. In case you hadn’t put it together, I tend to swing liberal. I know; you’re shocked. But I have also never voted strictly party line. Talk to me sometime about how furious I was with the Democrats during the bailout a few years ago, and what they pushed through as part of the economic recovery. Let’s chat about illegal immigration and speaking English in the United States. I will shock you for real, I’d venture. All that being said, I tend to swing liberal and am quite proud of that fact. I am also, in spite of having called him out before, a huge Barack Obama fan. Huge. My fear is that this makes me a minority without our community, and I have to ask why?

The man has been called the worst president for LGBTQ issues ever. He has been ridiculed and insulted for not doing enough. People are saying they would rather not vote than vote for him. All of which is just stupid. Let’s break this down.

First: President Obama has been on the cutting edge of LGBTQ rights and issues, right along with us. And, he has been doing it while trying to ensure the rights of women, children, the unemployed, the elderly, non Christians, and every other American in the world. He is, indeed, our President. He is not, actually, only our President. If you lost sight of this for a little while, think back on Mitt Romney’s 49% comment, where he, in essence, washed his hands of almost of half of the nation. Just because we want him to spend all of his energy and time on us, doesn’t mean he can. He has to care for his entire constituency, not just a certain percentage of it. And he has given us more of his time, energy, advocacy, and nerve than any other president ever.

Second: President Obama has been serving with a Congress one half of whom has come out and said their only goal is to see to it that he is a one-term president. That’s it. That’s all they care about. That’s where their energies are going. This Congress has not cared about jobs, any marginalized group – including, but not limited to, us – the economy, sagging education, spiraling insurance costs, keeping people fed, keeping people clothed, keeping people housed, or a partridge in a pear tree. Their entire focus has been on making sure Barack Obama only serves one term. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to accomplish anything at all when the people who are supposed to be working with you are actively trying to stop you? And yet people are blaming him for not accomplishing enough.

Third: President Obama is worth your vote. Go back and re-read those first two. But even if you disagree with me, Mitt Romney doesn’t deserve your vote. I lived in Massachusetts while he was governor. He was not good to us. Oh, he was lovely, so long as we stayed in the closet where we belong. He even “played fair” by signing into law rights bills that had been passed by the state legislature. But…since when does signing a law that your state and your constituency want earn you cookies? And let’s be clear, not voting at all because you don’t want to vote for Barack Obama is, for us, the same as voting for Mitt Romney. Do not fool yourself into thinking that you remained neutral or took some kind of higher road. You won’t have.

There you have it, Poppets. Get out and vote. Research the candidates. Pay attention. Listen and read beyond the spin. Vote your conscience and your pocketbook. And do not be fooled into thinking that not voting is somehow moral. You’re better than that. I have faith.

The month begins with an election and ends with Thanksgiving. Let’s hope we have something to be thankful for. Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

 

October 2010

In case you didn’t notice, Poppets, I missed my article last month. I’ve been a professional writer for almost a decade and last month was the first time I’ve been late for a deadline, let alone missed one. One of my sisters – the one married to the asshole, not the one married to the great guy whom I adore – is getting divorced. Now, while this would usually be a source of great celebration, it wouldn’t’ve caused me to miss a deadline. What made me miss my deadline is the fact that she is getting divorced because her (soon to be ex) husband sent her to the hospital, thus forcing her to admit what many of us have known for years: he’s not just an asshole; he’s an abusive asshole. And that caused me to miss my deadline.

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month and usually that means I talk with you about the fact that domestic violence does indeed occur in our community, and what to do if you are a victim – from admitting it, to getting help. This year, though, given what I just watched my sister go through, I want to talk to you about the important things you can do if someone you love is a victim.

1.      Do not victim blame. The question isn’t “why did you stay?” The question is “what can I do to help?”

2.      Let the victim take the lead. Your friend has managed to stay alive for the entire length of the relationship. Do not underestimate that skill. The time between the victim choosing to leave and the actual split can be the most dangerous of their lives. Encourage your friend to leave the abusive relationship, but don’t assume you know more about their danger than they do.

3.      Once the split has taken place – truly taken place, physically, legally, and logistically – encourage your friend to tell their story. Silence is and has been the abuser’s tool, not the victim’s. Help your friend shatter the silence, and relearn how to stop telling the lies that protect their batterer. On a related note…

4.      Remember this happened. Telling your friend to stay calm, not rock the boat, or my favorite, telling them to protect themselves by protecting their abuser, is indescribably disrespectful. Anger should not blind us, but it can be motivating. And domestic violence victims have plenty of reasons to be angry. Denying these is like denying their experience.

5.      If you can walk the fine line between empowerment and blaming, do so. After all, your friend can make different choices now. Can avoid another abusive relationship. Doesn’t have to let history repeat itself. At the same time, they are not to blame for this relationship. If you can walk this line, great. If you can’t, don’t even try. Just let it be meaningful that they have gotten out of this relationship.

 

Your friend, your loved one – male, female, transgendered, or cisgendered – did nothing to deserve this. They are not the bad guy. The person who abused them – emotionally, verbally, mentally, sexually, and/or physically – is the bad guy. And if you remember it, you can help them remember it.

Poppets, if you or someone you love is in an abusive relationship, email me. You can reach me through The Betty Pages or lifeandtimesofbridget@gmail.com. Call the NW Network in Seattle at 206/568-7777 or Skagit County Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Services (an officially safe space for LGBTQ peoples) at 888/336-9591. Just reach out to someone. You aren’t as alone, or as hopeless, as you feel.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you – and each other.

 

 

August 2012

It’s summer, Poppets. Remember when that used to mean freedom? No school, longer days, fewer rules. Every day was an adventure. As adults, summer doesn’t mean that so much. The commute is hotter. Places are more crowded. Tempers are a little shorter. We are five months out from peace on earth, goodwill to men and really can’t be bothered with that in this heat.

But… remember when that used to mean freedom? I vote we say fuck it, Poppets. Not to everything. Not even for long. Just for a day, two at the most.

What was your favorite thing to do as a summer kid? Think about it. And now think about when was the last time you let yourself do it? When was the last time you had the time? Or took the time?

Picnics were a big deal when I was a kid. McDonald’s was actually running a commercial one of my childhood summers, and these people grabbed a huge bag of food and took it to a park. I bought into the advertising dream hook, line and sinker. Thirty-five years later, I still remember the ad campaign – and I still love taking a big bag of food down to the park. I’ve moved beyond McDonald’s, but the concept is the same. David and I – or just me, when I’m alone – will pack a lunch, grab a blanket and a book, and head down by the river. And these days, one can never rule out a nap in the shade after lunch. (Lake Padden Park; Boulevard Park; Fairhaven Park; Cornwall Park; Samish Park…so many to choose from!)

Water parks. Another amazing day. Sun block and flip flops and water wings. I would’ve told you I had outgrown water parks until just a few years ago. I was juggling two books and had deadlines back to back. The stress was beginning to take its toll. A friend of mine asked me to join her and two of her other friends, as the fourth to a local water park. I had an absolute blast. It was fun; it was peaceful. We laughed so hard. The stress melted away. I certainly couldn’t work; there was water everywhere. But when I went back to work the next day, my mind was clearer and I was far more focused. (Birch Bay Waterslides, in Blaine, WA)

I grew up in a town without a zoo, but my grandparents’ town had one. Now, I recognize this was the smallest, saddest little zoo you’re ever going to see, but at the time? At the time, it was nothing short of an African safari. I loved the apes and the big cats and the elephant could make my day. (Woodland Park Zoo, Seattle; Cougar Mountain Zoo, Issaquah)

Another summer draw was the boardwalk. The ocean to one side, fun shops to the other, and an ice cream cone in my hand. Who can resist, even now? (Fairhaven, WA)

The point, Poppets, is to take a day and revisit a happier, more peaceful time. Whatever that means to you. Part of what makes this part of the world so wonderful is that we have access to just about anything we want. If none of these float your boat, or take you back, do your own thing. Find a way to enjoy yourself, to say fuck it. Read a book under a tree, wear a fabulous hat, dance in a rainstorm. Be silly. Be childlike. The world will wait. The stress will still be there when you’re done, I promise. For now, it’s summer and the adventure awaits…

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

July 2012

I’ve been thinking about labels a lot recently, Poppets. Labels and who gets to use or approve them. Now, I’m not talking about privileged people using derogatory terms that should only be used by the marginalized people in question, i.e. white people using the n-word, straight people using the f-word, or men calling women girls. No, I’m asking about if someone chooses a label for themselves, can anyone else deny them that truth?


I know people who identify as bi-sexual, but who have only had sex with one gender. To me, this is a no-brainer. We all know who we’re sexually attracted to before we actually get around to the having sex part. Yet, I know many of these same people have gotten grief for identifying as bi. The attitude seems to be that she must be a lesbian if she’s never slept with a man. Or he must be straight if he’s only ever slept with a woman. Or he must be gay because he sleeps with men, as if his attraction to women can be disregarded.


Once you get into non-transitioning gender identity, it gets even more convoluted. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard people say someone isn’t really transgendered because they aren’t transitioning. Or heard someone who identifies as bigendered, or genderqueer, be told they are trying too hard – and that’s if bigendered is even acknowledged as real.


Now, I know what a large part of the problem is. It’s the people who use our labels for convenience. You know who I mean. The beautiful co-eds who are willing to kiss on their girlfriends and giggle that, of course they’re bi, in order to pick up guys in the bar. Or the guy who says something oh so witty like “I’m tri-sexual; I’ll try anything” in order to get the threesome, but really just wants to screw his buddy’s girlfriend. There’s even a group of straight, female romance authors who, after being called out for their depiction and co-opting of gay, male culture, have all miraculously come out as transgendered, rather than admit they’ve overstepped and don’t deserve cookies. There’s been no word yet on how their husbands reacted when they learned they were all married to men. With friends like these…

In all seriousness, though, as a community, and as individuals, we’ve all got wounds and scars. Closeted, open, or out, we all know what it’s like to be rejected at a core level, which makes us wary. Which makes us suspicious. After all, we’ve all got our scars. Where are theirs? These people who come out so lightly? It is easy to assume the person in front of us isn’t who they are claiming to be, when their truth differs from ours.

No, I don’t believe those other writers are transgendered – but I also know many people do not believe my dear, wonderful husband is gay, either. He is, after all, married to me. He and I know our truth, and no one can take it, or change it, just based on their perceptions. But people have, in the past, and may again, reject us and try to minimize us for not “really” being who we are.

So, am I wary? Am I suspicious? You’re damn right I am. And, at the same time, should I ever be face-to-face with one of those writers, I’ll listen to her story, I’ll look into her eyes, and I’ll accept her truth, if it aligns perfectly with mine or not. I think, maybe, that’s the best thing any of us can do for each other anyway.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

June 2012

We are living in dizzying times, Poppets, and not in the good way. More often than not these days, I feel like a pin ball, bouncing faster and faster between bumpers. DADT is repealed; DOMA is still in effect. North Carolina votes for a constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage; the President comes out in favor of same-sex marriage. The federal government stops defending DOMA; the House of Representatives reaffirms its commitment to the law. The governors of Rhode Island and Illinois come out in favor of same-sex marriage; a Mississippi legislator quotes Leviticus (which, in case you don’t know, calls for gay men to be put to death). And need I say that issues unrelated to marital status are even more dizzying? No, I didn’t think so.

According to a wicked cool graph sent to me by one of my best friends, the core issues of hate crimes, housing, and employment break down as confusingly as same-sex marriage. While 31 states have protections against hate crimes due to sexual orientation, only 14 states protect against those same crimes based on gender identity. Housing protections are afforded to LGB peoples in 21 states, and only 17 to the Ts in our alphabet soup. Finally, only 22 states protect employment based on orientation, and 17 based on identity. (http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/interactive/2012/may/08/gay-rights-united-states)

It’s loud, chaotic, and confusing. Given the noise, it is more important than ever to be diligent, especially in an election year. Know your allies and your enemies.

Each side has its own spin, and if you don’t listen too closely, they might sound pretty good. That doesn’t mean they are. Do your own research; figure out your own priorities. Know what – and who – serves your best interests.

Federal elections take center stage, and that’s okay. But pay close attention to your state elections, as well. What the federal government doesn’t legislate, the states will - and our rights are being addressed at both levels.

Same-sex marriage is an important issue. It’s not the only important issue. Federal elections are important every election year. State elections are just as important this year. Don’t let them bounce you back and forth between bumpers. Don’t be distracted by the lights and the noise.

We’re on the right path, Poppets. Let’s stay there.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

May 2012

Get ready, Poppets, because we’re moving into Pride season, and what a season 2012 is shaping up to be! While most events take place next month, you can find a way and a place to show your Pride all summer long.

Start in Olympia, the weekend of June 8-10. Traditionally, this has been a smaller, very family-friendly event and it certainly seems to be what they are aiming for this year, as well. If you’ve got little ones, this might be a good choice for you. The kickoff is the night of June 8th at the Urban Onion. The fun really begins, though, at the festival, which runs the 9th and 10th in Sylvester Park. Even the hours are family-friendly: Saturday, 10:00-5:00 and Sunday, 10:00-3:30. Catch the Parade Sunday, too, starting at the Capital building. Check www.capitalcitypride.net for more information.

Next up is Portland and Pride NorthWest. Be at the festival in Tom McCall Waterfront Park on Saturday, June 16th from noon to six, or the 17th, during the same hours. The Parade is Sunday, as well. They are requesting a couple of things. First, a $7.00 donation to attend the festival would be a really cool thing, but it is only a donation suggestion, not a mandatory ticket. Second, parking is minimal, so if at all possible, walk or take the light rail. More information can be found at www.pridenw.org.

You can be in Seattle June 21-24 at the Seattle Center. This one’s huge, Poppets, and if you’ve never been, I highly recommend it. There are men’s parties; there are women’s parties. This year, there are four stages of (almost) nonstop entertainment over four days. That being said, Sunday is the really big day. The formal, official festival runs from noon to 8:00 pm, immediately after the Parade. Enough goes on that I’m simply going to refer you to www.seattlepride.org and www.seattlepridefest.org for all the deets.

Surely, you know what July brings, right? July brings Pride to Bellingham – and our beloved Betty reigns supreme (as she always does). July 11-15, starting with a kickoff at Rumors with Betty Desire! It’s at 10:00 pm. I know you’ll be there. The 12th is an all-ages dance at the Depot Market Square. The $3.00 donation goes to local charities, so it’s important and worthwhile. So, honestly, is this dance, in my opinion. All-ages dances may seem passé or boring or beneath those of us who can – and do – drink legally, but we’ve got kids being bullied, being hurt, and even killing themselves because they are gay. I cannot stress the importance of adults who love, accept, and act as strong role models for all ages. Please, Poppets, attend this dance. Show the next generation we’ve got their backs. It’s another $3.00 donation, and seriously worth it. Friday night, The Betty Pages turns eight! Show your love at Rumors again. No cover before 10 and free food. Saturday and Sunday, it gets really big. Betty’s throwing a picnic, people are dancing and dressing, and the celebration kicks into high gear, culminating with the Parade on Sunday. If someone wants more information, point them to www.bhampride.org. Everything you want to know is there.

But I promised you all summer, and I plan to deliver. Head over the border to Vancouver B.C. August 3-5 and celebrate there, as well. It’s closer even than Seattle, let alone Portland or Olympia! If you can only get away for one day, make it the 5th. The festival begins on Sunset Beach at 11:00 a.m, but the Parade is downtown at noon, so plan wisely. And my favorite event of the day runs from 4:00 to 7:00. It’s the Grey and Glamorous Dance, for “older and aging Queers and Allies.” Again, there’s a $5 donation request, but it’s just a suggestion. If you think you might make it up to our neighbors in the north, check out www.vancouverpride.ca.

Finally, I can hear you now, wondering what’s going on in the queer Mecca of New Orleans for Pride. Surprisingly, the truth is very little. But, NOLA Pride is June 22-24 and you’re going to be in Seattle anyway. However! I would never let you down. Labor Day Weekend – and who doesn’t love an end of summer vacation? – brings you Southern Decadence down here in the Crescent City. If you don’t know, just trust me: it is everything you would expect from something named Southern Decadence. This is not a family-friendly event, nor is it for the faint of heart. It is, however, a city and a people embracing our more…flamboyant side. I’ll leave you to www.southerndecadence.net for more details, pictures, and generalized debauchery. And hope to see you there.

Wherever you celebrate, Poppets, be sure to celebrate. Have Pride. Show your Pride. We are all worthy of greatness – and great Pride.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

April 2012

No doubt by now, Poppets, you have heard about LOGO’s programming change. Everyone seems to have weighed in, and I’m not going to be the exception. Before I start, though, in case you haven’t heard, back in February, LOGO television announced that it was moving away from LGBTQ-centric programming. Are you caught up? Good. Here we go.

The official press release reads:

In the 6 years since Logo launched, there has been a seismic shift in culture and the network’s new programming slate reflects that. From the push for marriage equality, to the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” and even the mass appeal of broadcast TV shows like “Modern Family” all signal a significant movement in today’s culture where “out” characters are celebrated for their success and values and the majority of gays and lesbians define themselves by multi-dimensional notions other than purely on their sexual orientation.

“Culturally, we’re past the tipping point. For gays and lesbians, it’s part of who they are, but they don’t lead with it, because many are leading fully integrated, mainstream lives,” said Lisa Sherman, Executive Vice President of Logo. “Our goal at Logo has always been to honestly reflect our viewers’ lives. We’re now reinforcing our commitment to them with programming that truly mirrors how many of them are living and want to be entertained today.” (http://www.logopressroom.com/press-release/logo-amplifies-culture-shift-with-expanded-programming/)

Ummm….really? Okay. Let’s break it down…

“From the push for marriage equality…” – which we still do not have, nor are we anywhere close to having it nationwide. Lovely.

“…to the repeal of ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’…” – which is only half the battle while DOMA is still in effect. Lovely.

“…the mass appeal of broadcast TV shows…”- such as Billy Crystal’s character, Jody, in the series Soap, which ran from 1977-1981. They’re relying on a statement that could’ve been made in 1978. Lovely.

“…because many are leading fully integrated, mainstream lives,” – and good for them. Seriously. Said without bitterness, sarcasm, or malice. But many, many more of us are still required to be closeted, to hide.

“Our goal at Logo has always been to honestly reflect our viewers’ lives.” – because so many of us are child beauty pageant stars (Eden’s World), family members of mob bosses (Wiseguys), or want to “test the creative talents of dog owners and their canine companions.” (Design My Dog) No, I’m not making that last one up. Someone, please, tell me what it even means.

Not a single new show has an LGBTQ character as the lead of the focus. Instead, we are the quirky, fabulous best friend/sidekick. That stereotype isn’t okay in mainstream programming. Now, LOGO is asking us to be okay with being relegated there on our own station.

I get that many of us don’t “lead with” our orientation. That doesn’t mean we want to be invisible or a subplot. There is still a place for us to be the leads, the focus, more than a sidekick. We can get all the other stuff on Bravo, TLC, ABC, Lifetime – the list goes on and on. Why hand it to us here, on LOGO, too?

Look, I also get that business run on financial decisions. Reality t.v. is all the rage. If LOGO wants to/needs to incorporate this kind of programming into their schedule for that reason, I really do understand. Business is business. But LOGO, after six years of loyalty and keeping you in business, please, don’t add insult to injury by pretending these changes are about us. Attract your straight audiences; make your money. Even tell yourself whatever lies you need to. Just stop trying to feed them to us.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.