January 2010

Happy New Year, Poppets! It’s 2010. Amazing isn’t it? Hopefully, your holidays were peaceful and joyous. Mine were good, which is always a lovely thing to report. But, with the holidays over and the new year rung in, it’s time for me to come out of my gothic-y Martha Stewart stage and start paying attention again.

Turns out, we’re coming up on an important anniversary. It’s been almost a year since Barack Obama took the oath of office. And oh dear… Sometimes being a Libra isn’t the easiest thing to be. Generally speaking, Libras are very good at seeing all sides of an issue.

See, our president made many promises to the LGBT community during the campaign. The passage of the Employment Nondiscrimination Act (ENDA); the end of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell (DADT); the repealing of the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA). We opened our hearts and our wallets. We registered and campaigned and talked. We rallied and voted. He won us over and we helped ensure he won. Yet, so far, there has been no movement on any of these issues.

We deserve better. It is, after all, 2010. How is it possible we are still having this debate in 2010?

And yet, the Libra in me kicks in, this is the same president who was left with the greatest economic failure of most of our lifetimes, a two front war, a country as polarized as we’ve ever seen, an education system that is barely viable, and the distrust and disrespect of the global community. The needs of one group – any group – must be put on the back burner until our country is functioning again. Because don’t fool yourselves; our country is barely functioning. Those infamous foundations? They are still cracking and crumbling out from under us.

This has taken nearly a decade to the layperson’s eye, and some experts say going back to the 1970s, to create. This won’t be turned around in one year. It can’t be, no matter who is in the White House or what promises were made. Let’s get the country stable again and then we can start holding him to the promises he made to the smaller groups of constituents.

And yet, I answer myself, not moving on a promise because there are other, more urgent issues, is one thing. To use the weight of the White House and the Department of Justice (DOJ) to countermand future legal actions brought by us and on our behalf, is another. To use cases involving incest and pedophilia to justify the Constitutionality of DOMA (as the DOJ did last summer) oversteps. This isn’t just silence or inaction. Nor is it innocuous. Nor is it necessary. While the DOJ must defend current laws, it needs not defend them by legitimizing the opposition’s most inflammatory, oppressive stances. It needs not give validity to the opposition’s greatest fears.

Still, the Libra speaks up once I’ve calmed down a bit, and then she goes silent. Because there were other ways to handle this. Ways that didn’t betray us. Silence, I could have understood. I could’ve even defended. I don’t expect miracles in a year, I never did. But I didn’t expect this White House, this President, to set us up, either. It’s important now for us to think clearly. To come together as a community. To remind President Obama about his promises. We got him elected once. We don’t have to do it twice. Maybe a year in is a good time to get that message across. What do you think? Let me know at lifeandtimesofbridget@gmail.com.

And, until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

December 2009

Hi Poppets! Happy holidays to you and yours! Once again, as with last year, it’s a tough time for the country, for the economy, for many, many families – mine included, if truth be told. Several of us are having a hard time providing for our own children and partners and parents, let alone anyone else. Yet this time of year is the time most of us think about giving, as well. It’s an ugly Catch 22: we want to give to those in need but we are in need ourselves but we want to give but we can’t give…you get the idea. Maybe you even live the idea. So what to do? I can’t answer that question for you. I can, however (because it’s my column after all), give you a suggestion. This year, it’s all about critical mass.

Instead of traditional gifts, go old school. Find recipes and do some baking. Cookies, fudge, candies…there are so many surprisingly easy recipes out there and available. One of my favorites is actually my mother’s spiced tea recipe, which doesn’t require any more skill than being able to mix powders. Hello! It doesn’t get any easier than that.

Still too expensive? Find three other friends in the same boat. Sadly, I bet that won’t be too hard for most of us. Each of you buy the ingredients for one or two goodies, get together and bake. Hell, somebody splurge for a cheap wine and make a night of it. Once everything has cooled or set, swap out. A dozen chocolate chip cookies is only so interesting. A paper plate or Tupperware of four different sweets will make anyone happy. And your gift recipients never need know you didn’t bake them all!

Great ideas, assuming you have the time or the inclination to bake. Since not everyone goes all Martha Stewart-y this time of year, I do understand these are not good ideas for some. But would I leave you hanging? Of course not. You’re still broke. You still want to give. You still don’t bake. Fine.

Find those three other friends who are in the same situation and figure out how much you each can afford. Five dollars? Ten? No problem. Pool it and choose a charity. Personally, I suggest you give them the cash. They will be able to make your dollars go much further than you can. And remember, you’re not just giving them your five dollars. You’re giving them your group’s twenty dollars. I used to work human services; trust me. Twenty dollars is great. Twenty dollars is a Christmas dinner or a tank of gas or a night in a shelter in the right hands. See? It’s all about critical mass.

Even this year, we can take care of each other. And isn’t that really what this time of year is all about, in the long run? Have a happy holiday, whatever you celebrate. Take care of each other – and accept this as my holiday gift to you (be smart though – if you’re allergic to anything in it, please don’t make it, deal? Deal.)

Susan's Spiced Tea
2 cups Tang
2 scoops instant lemonade (if anybody can still find Wyler's, it's especially good)
1 cup instant, unsweetened tea (caffeinated or decaf, optional)
1 teaspoon ground clove
1 heaping teaspoon cinnamon

Combine all ingredients in a large bowl. Add three heaping teaspoons to a mug. Fill mug with boiling water and stir.

Enjoy and until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

November 1, 2009

It’s Thanksgiving time, Poppets. Turkey, stuffing, pumpkin pie, all that good stuff. Technically, it’s supposed to be about more than that. You know it. I know it. And yet…sometimes it can be hard to find things to give thanks for. The politics around the origins of this holiday are iffy at best. Neither the time it celebrates – the first feast with the indigenous peoples who helped us survive before we wiped them out – nor the time it was inaugurated – the 1950s and those glory years in our country’s history – are particularly worth our pride or our thanks, let’s be honest here.

Currently, our community is under heavy fire from the conservative Christian right wing and it often feels that for every step forward we take, we get shoved two backwards. What the hell is there to be thankful for?

Recently, I was having a conversation with a friend of mine and expressing my sadness and disgust over the rising tide of conservatism that is sweeping the nation in the name of Christianity. Now, as my Betty Pages readers know, I’m not Christian but I was raised Christian by extremely liberal Christians. I’ve read the Bible. I know my theology. And you know what? The hate that is being preached doesn’t line up with what I was taught in Sunday school.

As I was expressing my sadness and disgust, my friend reminded me that the Evangelical Lutheran Church of America (ELCA) recently voted to allow LGBT pastors to be open and in relationships. Along with that, she pointed me to a man named Lee Miller. He is a young pastor in the Lutheran church. Apparently, Pastor Miller reads the same Bible I used to. In other words, Lee Miller gets it – and he is willing to stand up and preach it.

This past summer, at the convention where this debate and the final vote was taking place, he stood in his collar and spoke out in support of LGBT pastors. He spoke of God’s love. He spoke of God’s acceptance of everyone. My favorite quote was that he “is not saved because (he’s) heterosexual but because of God’s love.” He could’ve stayed quiet and simply cast his vote. He could’ve paid lip service to that which was safe and then cast his conscious. He didn’t. The cynic in me had to know why, so I asked. Here’s what he told me:

When I was a teenager I met a friend at a national church gathering. People thought we were twins; we were instant, fast, friends. K.C. knew his Bible better than I did. When I was depressed over school, or a break up, or life; he would send a letter including a verse from scripture to encourage me.
K.C. came to know himself as being gay. He wrestled with the Bible that he knew so well, and the church who he loved so much. In his sophomore year of college K.C. took his own life. He could never reconcile his faith with his sexuality.
K.C. had the gifts for ministry. Many of my gay colleagues have
excellent gifts for ministry. I can't allow another person to take their own life (or live in an indoctrinated state of shame) because of the way God has created them; and the way the institution has treated them.
I wanted to stand up for K.C. I had to tell his story.

And you know what else? He’s had a hard time since. People have actually called him a false prophet and the antichrist. The Antichrist. He’s “saddened” by this. Which automatically makes him a better person than I am because I’m just pissed off about it. He’s also not backing down. And he’s not backing down because he believes ~ and wants us to know ~ That Christians are not carried by one voice. That there are Christians (for me, especially the Lutherans) who will speak a word of God's Grace (love) for all people regardless of who they are, where they come from, where they have been, and where they are going. I believe all people are created in the image of God; and what God wants for us in community is loving, caring, faithful relationships. I want the LGBT (and the straight) community to know salvation does not come through sexuality, it comes through God, who chooses all of us - to give us life - and God has a place for Everyone at the table.

So…talk to me about Thanksgiving again. Ask me what I’m giving thanks for this year. I have an answer. This particular Pagan is giving thanks for an ass-kicking, conscience-speaking Lutheran pastor, Lee Miller, who reminds me that not every voice that speaks, speaks against me, my husband, my friends and family. Who reminds me that while the country and Christianity may be becoming more conservative, there are indeed still people standing with us. Who reminds me I don’t always have to be the cynic. And that’s worth being thankful for.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

October 2009

Ah, Poppets, it’s Autumn again and you know I love Autumn. As always, there’s so much I could write about. However, this month, I’m going to talk about an issue I have mentioned in passing before, but think it’s time to address it more fully.

October is, as some of you may know or remember, Domestic Violence Awareness Month. And guess what? As much as we want it to be, as much as we want to pretend otherwise, domestic violence isn’t just a straight issue. In fact, according to the National Resource Center on Domestic Violence, “same-sex battering mirrors heterosexual battering both in type and prevalence” {This material was reprinted/adapted from the publication titled Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Trans (LGBT) Communities and Domestic Violence: Information and Resources (2007) by the National Resource Center on Domestic Violence} which translates into 25-33% of all lesbian and gay couples (The NW Network of Bi, Trans, Lesbian and Gay Survivors of Abuse, http://www.nwnetwork.org/).

So…what? Why do you care? Maybe you don’t and maybe I can’t make you.

But maybe you haven’t realized that statistically, you know a victim of domestic violence. Think about it. Statistically, one in every four intimate relationships includes some kind of domestic violence. Domestic violence can be physical, emotional, verbal, and/or sexual. Even between same-sex individuals, it is never a “fair fight” nor is the more “butch” or physically more masculine member of the couple always the batterer. Domestic violence will include fear, shame, and intimidation. And you know someone who is experiencing this right now.

Or maybe you didn’t realize you weren’t the only LGBT victim of domestic violence. You believed the myth that domestic violence just doesn’t occur within our community, so this doesn’t count. Or that because you fight back to defend yourself, it’s not really domestic violence. Or because your partner “only” calls you names, doesn’t hit you, it’s not really domestic violence. Maybe you believed that you aren’t in the “right” group of people to be a victim.

Maybe you weren’t aware. But now you are. If you or someone you care about is in an abusive relationship, you aren’t alone. If you think you or someone you care about might be in an abusive relationship, you aren’t alone. There is help, as close as Seattle. The NW Network of Bi, Trans, Lesbian and Gay Survivors of Abuse is there, ready to listen, ready to believe you. Contact them in whatever way makes you most comfortable here: PO Box 18436, Seattle, WA 98118 or (206)-568-7777 or info@nwnetwork.org. Their office hours are Monday-Friday, 9:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m.

It’s time to be aware, Poppets. This month and the other eleven in the year, too. Enjoy Autumn – I will – just remember to take care of you, and each other.

An Aside

Hi Poppets! This is just between you, my blog readers, and me ~ not an official Betty Pages posting. For the first time ever, I have permanent links now. Check them out here and then monthly (at least) over in my blogroll if you're interested.

First, The Betty Pages are now online, so you can read everything each month, not just my articles here (although I do hope you'll keep stopping by here, just to say hi occasionally).

Second, allow me to introduce you to Kale Naylor, a promising young author in the LGBT erotica field. I'm very excited to watch his career take off and be able to say I followed him from the beginning.

And, finally, look what I have just recently discovered: Romance Writers of America has an LGBT chapter. It's even online so it doesn't matter where you live. As an LGBT-themed writer, it pleases me no end when mainstream organizations such as RWA embrace, promote and advocate for us.

I'm excited about all three and I wanted to share with you. The next regular post will be out in a few more weeks. Until then, Poppets, drop me a line and take care of you.

September 1, 2009

Hi Poppets! Have you enjoyed your summer? As you’ve read, I certainly have. But don’t get me wrong, in the midst of Pride, the beaches of Mexico and looking at very attractive people in bathing suits, I really have been paying attention to what’s happening in the rest of the world.

Apparently, gay marriage has taken a backseat these days to Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. A dear friend of mine is the husband of a closeted soldier. I’ve never had the opportunity to meet my friend’s husband because he has been deployed for so long. God forbid something happen to my friend’s husband, my friend will have to find out through the grapevine. He has no legitimacy. My ex-husband is in the military. We struggled for a long time about going to clubs with our gay friends where they could be comfortable because we had to decide if simply walking into a gay club could be construed as “telling.” Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell needs to be repealed.

It needs to be repealed in the military – and everywhere else, too. What am I talking about? The military may be the only organization that has legislated and turned DADT into legal statute, but it is far from the only place it exists.

As I’ve discussed here before, David was never comfortable coming out at work. Then he ended up with a new company and we expected to be relocating to Mexico, so we put an identifying decal on our car. Now, he’s still in the same industry, we haven't relocated to another country, and he's wary about who might recognize the acronym and know it for what it is. Because, even with this new company, the industry is the same and it’s safer to Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.

A friend of mine is a teacher at a middle school in a very conservative town somewhere south of the Mason-Dixon Line. He and his partner have been together more than ten years. Not only have they never come out as a couple, not only have they never lived together, they cannot even justify relocating so they live in the same town. Their physical safety, let alone their jobs, is a real concern. Might people suspect? Probably. But love, acceptance, employment and safety are all dependent upon Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.

Another friend of mine is a firefighter and an EMT in poster-child-for-LGBT-rights Massachusetts. Only he lives and works in a town small enough that I bet you’ve never even heard of it. Hopefully, by the end of the year, he and his husband will be parents. But it has taken the adoption for my friend to come out, to acknowledge his husband is more than his roommate. And yes, there has been a backlash for daring to speak out when everyone else had been happy with Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.

DADT needs to go away. It needs to go away in the military. I want to meet my friend’s partner. I want my friend to have the rights of any spouse. But DADT needs to go away everywhere else, too. We cannot demand it of the military until we offer it to everyone – and we cannot offer it to everyone until it isn’t legislated against anyone.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

August 1, 2009

I'm intrigued, Poppets, by a trend I've noticed. And perhaps trend is too strong a word because there have been no studies, no polls. Just me observing. But what I've observed is this: men identifying as straight are showing up on (mostly hookup) sites aimed at gay and bi people. You'll be looking, enjoying the scenery and there will be a profile with “straight” as the orientation. Intriguing...

So, my question is why? On the bi sites, are these guys looking for two women who may be fashionably bi? Or who might be looking for a sperm donor? The first, perhaps. The second, not so much probably. There are far more reliable ways to find a sperm donor than hookup sites. Regardless, though, I can at least comprehend why a straight man would hang out at a bi hookup site. There are women there. There are even women who make love to other women there, and if that's not the stereotypical straight guy fantasy, I don't know what is.

What intrigues me more, though, is why hang out at a gay site as openly straight. These men aren't self-identifying as curious or questioning or even mostly straight or closeted (all of which are options on some of the sites). Nope. These are guys just saying flat out “I'm straight. Here's a picture of my penis.” On a gay site.

David and I were talking about this phenomenon the other day and came up with a few ideas. Perhaps society is shifting enough, has gotten to the LGBT tipping point, that it is becoming safer to come out, to explore, to acknowledge. Only these guys are still at the baby steps stage and it's a big enough deal to have a profile up on these sites. Actually identifying as anything other than straight is still going to have to take a little while. Remember, coming out is still a very big deal for a lot of people and people are still losing their jobs, their families, their friends, and yes even their lives for doing so. Here in the United States. In spite of what Perez Hilton would have us believe, it still ain't easy everywhere. So, we are at the shift and it's easier and safer, if still not easy and safe.

Another option David came up with (that's sadly a real possibility and ties into the above paragraph), perhaps some of these are men who are just looking for some gay bashing. Personally, I think this is a stupid thing but men who are looking to gay bash aren't exactly Mensa members, either, so...

Finally, I proffer the suggestion that some of these men really are gay but are having a hard time finding a hookup or are just legitimately players so are presenting as straight. Because if two women together is a stereotypical straight man fantasy, let's be honest, a straight man is a stereotypical gay man's fantasy. So, these guys are, according to this theory, presenting as straight in order to play the role and get the score.

However, the truth of the matter is I have no idea why straight guys would hang out on gay hookup sites. I would like to think it's because we are becoming more comfortable and more accepting of our sexuality as individuals and as society. Wouldn't that be lovely if it was true? But I just don't know. So I'm intrigued and asking you, Poppets, do you have any idea? If you are a self-identifying straight man who has a profile up on a gay site, or a gay man who knows someone, or has met someone under those circumstances (or hell, just want to drop a line and say hi about something unrelated entirely), write me at lifeandtimesofbridget@gmail.com. Otherwise, I'll just keep speculating and being intrigued.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.