January 1, 2014

Over the years, Poppets, I have be incredibly vocal about rejecting the pressure of a New Year’s Resolution. And no, I’m not backing off of that at all this year.  But that doesn’t mean we can’t decide what we want this next year to look like, set some goals for ourselves. Goals like…

Being kind to each other. Curb the cattiness this year. Focus less on who a person is on the outside, and pay closer attention to who they are on the inside. Get to know someone you work with, live near, go to school with. Hold a door, or say thank you when someone holds the door for you. It doesn’t have to be a big deal. The small things can make a difference – sometimes a big one.

Giving what we can, when we can. The holiday season is a great time for giving. Food banks and charities are asking for help in force. There are opportunities galore. But the need exists year-round. In fairness, not all of us have a lot to share, but that doesn’t need to stop us. A dollar a week is all it takes. Or put your spare change in a jar and give it away at the end of every month. Maybe buy a can of tuna or chicken soup or a toothbrush every time you go to the grocery store. By the end of the month, the quarter, or the year, you won’t have spent much, but the critical mass you’ve accumulated for the organization will be very appreciated. Last month, I wrote about organizations you could give to. They would love your help throughout the year, too.

Trying something new. I don’t mean “go to the gym every night” something new. I mean go for Indian food instead of ordering pizza. Take an art class. Color your hair – it’s even okay to use a temporary dye to make sure you like it. It can be something you’ve always wanted to try, or it can be something that catches your eye on a whim. Just do something you’ve never done before.

Being kind to yourself. This is my favorite. You know how you can never quite… How you just can’t… How you always manage to screw up the… It’s time to let that go. Embrace what you can do. Delight in your talents. Accept your own greatness.

Picking your friends. If there is anyone in your world who doesn’t support you in all of this, they don’t deserve to be in your world any longer. Anyone who holds you back, no matter how long you’ve known them, doesn’t have a place by your side.

2014 can be a great year. We can all be happy, healthy, confident. With no resolutions, and no guilt. Resolutions are tough; goals can be helpful. Just choose them wisely, because goals can sometimes masquerade as resolutions. Be nicer to yourself than that. You deserve it. We all do.

So, yes, happy new year, Poppets. Until next month, take care of you.

December Extra - The December Project

Hey Poppets, this is a slightly different article than I usually write. My usual In The Mix style article is here, too, so consider this a PSA of sorts. While the holidays are a joyous time for many of us, for others, not so much. For some of us, the holidays can be a reminder of how alone we feel. And for a transgendered person, that loneliness can be even more magnified. It was out of the understanding of this loneliness that The December Project was born.

The December Project is run and staffed by Jennifer Finney Boylan (national co-chair of GLAAD), Mara Keisling (director of the National Center of Transgender Equality), Dylan Scholinski (director of Sent(a)mental Studios), and Helen Boyd (professor at Lawrence University). Two transgendered women, a transgendered man, and the spouse of a transgendered woman, they are uniquely qualified to understand how important a friendly voice can be. The December Project is based on providing that friendly voice to transgendered men and women, and anyone who loves a transgendered person.

Here’s how it works: If you are transgendered, or the partner of someone who is transgendered, and could use a supportive, caring phone call, be in touch with Jenny Finney Boylan. She can be reached at jb@jenniferboylan.net. Email her your name and phone number and one of the four of them will give you a call sometime in the month of December. Know your information will be kept completely confidential, so you don’t have to worry about it if you aren’t out or open. Also, keep in mind that this is a friendly phone call, not therapy. If you are in crisis, call the suicide prevention hotline at -1-800-273-8255. This is about spreading a little happiness, reassuring you that you are loved just the way you are, and building good memories of the holiday season.

If you want more information, you can get it here: http://www.jenniferboylan.net/2013/11/23/trans-holidays-got-you-down-we-will-call-you-on-the-phone/ And if you are someone, anyone, who is lonely this time of year, remember, I think you’re pretty great. None of us are as alone as we feel. The December Project is a great reminder of that. Happy Holidays, Poppets.

December 2013

It’s December, Poppets, and that means my almost-annual article on giving. In the past, I have written about what to give. I’ve even written about how to give. This year, let’s chat about where to give. First, let’s start with the usual caveats – if you aren’t giving this year, for whatever reasons, fine. You know your budget and your heart better than I do, and I won’t judge that. And if you have a favorite charity you like, great! But if you’re looking, maybe I can help.

                  

First, those red Salvation Army buckets outside every store…About those – in case you don’t know, the Salvation Army is notoriously anti-LGBTQ. They try to cloak it in neutrality, but only so long as the LGBTQ person is celibate. If you actually act on your orientation and attraction, they aren’t so neutral any longer. So, try not to drop your spare change in those red buckets, even though they are convenient. Instead, if you want to give to a national organization with a local focus, consider Goodwill Industries of Seattle, with a shop here in Bellingham (http://seattlegoodwill.org/shop/locations/bellingham), United Way of Whatcom County (http://www.unitedwaywhatcom.org/) or Volunteers of America of Western Washington (http://www.voaww.org/). Like the Salvation Army, all three were originally founded through faith-based initiatives, but, unlike SA, all three have evolved to stress including and embracing all people. Each is in need of donations year-round, but especially at the holidays. Contact any of these organizations for details on specific holiday donation needs.

           

If, however, you’d like to stay laser-focused on local charities, that’s easier than you make think. First, the organization Gender Diversity offers support to and education about gender identity/nonconformity. They are based in Seattle, and offer classes and groups here in Bellingham. Unfortunately, this article missed their big November double donation push by a month, but somehow I think they would still appreciate whatever you have to offer. Contact them for more information at www.genderdiversity.org, info@genderdiversity.org, or 1-855-443-6337 (1-855-4GENDER).

           

The Sean Humphries House, right here in Bellingham. The Sean Humphries House provides supported housing arrangements for low-income adults living with HIV/AIDS. The House has year-round donation needs, but also has a list of special holiday requests, if you want to specialize your giving. Their list of requests, and more contact information, can be found at http://www.seanhumphreyhouse.org/ or by calling 360-733-0176.

           

If you want to focus specifically on youth, consider one of these two programs: Amy’s Place for Youth or Northwest Youth Services. While neither of them are exclusively LGBTQ-centric, both are accepting and inclusive.

           

Amy’s Place is a drop-in center for homeless and street-involved youth in Bellingham. Open on Friday and Saturday evenings, it gives teens a safe place to be, get a shower, grab some food, talk to someone. Just be off the street for a few hours. The anti-bullying codes are strict and explicitly include sexuality and orientation. Their budget is tight right now, so every little bit helps. Find out more at http://www.amysplaceforyouth.org or 360-671-5567.

           

Finally, Northwest Youth Services has been providing services for homeless and endangered young people since 1976. They have several programs geared toward fostering self-sufficiency, including the Queer Youth Project, which provides a safe and positive environment for LGBTQ kids and their allies in Whatcom County. Find them here: http://www.nwys.org/about-us/ or call them here: 360-734-9862. 

           

There you go, Poppets. Some places you might not have thought about now that it’s the season of giving. Give a little, give a lot, give what you can – these organizations will be grateful and will use what you give wisely. 

Until next month – until next year – Poppets, take care of you, and each other.

November 1, 2013

If you’ve been reading this column for any length of time, Poppets, then you are probably expecting a Thanksgiving article. Perhaps not a traditional one, but one nonetheless. The last thing I want to do is disappoint.

              

While I have a problem with the mythos behind Thanksgiving, I do use the month as a reminder. A time to be deliberately aware of the many reasons I have to be thankful. Because, try as I might, to be aware and deliberate the rest of the year, it is easy to become distracted and complacent. Whereas November forces me to take inventory of my blessings. So, in the spirit of giving thanks – if not Thanksgiving itself – I give you the First Five Reasons I Am Grateful This November.

1.      The LGBTQ peoples who have come before – and come out before – us. Who paved the way for us to have any chance of living safe, open, self-actualized lives. Being out is a privilege many still don’t carry, but none of us would if it weren’t for those who came before.

2.      Allies. True allies. The ones who listen, as well as speak. The ones who speak even when it’s unpopular. The ones who face personal and professional backlash – and speak anyway.

3.      Moderate politicians. The men and women who are willing to acknowledge that their party, their viewpoint, their background, is not the only valid perspective. That we are a nation of great diversity, and embracing that will get us further than petulance.

4.      The democratic process. I know, it seems to not be working really well recently. But I am grateful for it anyway. I’m grateful for the opportunity that arises every two, four, or six years for us, as a society, to take a step back, move away from the cliff, admit our mistakes, and elect someone else to office. That when a wave of insanity sweeps a state, or a region, it doesn’t have to be permanent or require armed revolution – at least not so far.

5.      And finally, Betty Desire. Yep, our beloved Betty. Whose voice has never wavered. Who provides a platform for so many of us (often for more years than we’d like to admit). Who is a safe place, if you are out and proud, or questioning and scared, and everything in between. Who offers love and acceptance – all while rocking pearls Barbara Bush would adore.

There you go, Poppets. My first November five. Because however you feel about Thanksgiving, giving thanks is a good thing.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you – and each other.

October 1, 2013

As I wrote about last month, Poppets, October is LGBTQ History Month. While this is still very exciting to me, October is also Domestic Violence Awareness Month. As any long-time readers of The Betty Pages will tell you, it is a subject that is near and dear to my heart. Because, contrary to what many people believe, domestic violence does indeed occur in our community.

              

While there are many similarities between domestic violence in the LGBTQ community and the straight community, there are some distinct differences, as well. Domestic violence between a man and woman is illegal in all 50 states. For us, some states still explicitly exclude same-sex relationships from their domestic violence laws. Statistically, gay men and lesbians are more likely to fight back against their abuser than straight women are. Unfortunately, police are also more likely to see an incident of domestic violence as a mutual fight, instead of the act of abuse it is. Outing a partner is a threat that is both very real and exclusive to the LGBTQ spectrum. The use of the word “it” against a transgendered partner, or denigrating a transgendered person’s body, is as abusive as any fist – but is only rarely considered an actual threat.

              

If you think you may be in an abusive situation, or if you think someone you care about may be in an abusive relationship, first, know it’s real. As much as we wish it wasn’t so, domestic violence does occur in our community. Admitting it and reporting it is not a betrayal against the abuser – or the community. And yes, there are services available, even to us.

              

The Northwest Network is based out of Seattle. They’re open Monday-Friday, 9:00 am to 5:00 pm and can be reached during those hours at (206) 568-7777 or TTY (206) 517-9670. If you leave a message, they will call you back if it is safe for them to do so. (http://nwnetwork.org/)

              

The YWCA of Clark County in Vancouver, Washington offers SafeChoice LGBTQ Programs that address the specific issues of our community. They have a 24-hour crisis line: 360 695 0501 and will accept collect phone calls. They also have a toll-free number: 800 695 0167.  You can call 24-hours a day for advice, resources, or just support. (http://ywcaclarkcounty.com/help/safechoice)

              

Skagit Domestic Violence & Sexual Assault Services is officially an LGBTQ safe space and has information and resources targeted to us. They also run a 24-hour crisis line: 1 (888) 336-9591. (http://www.skagitdvsas.org/)

              

Whoever you call, please reach out and call someone. You are not alone. You don’t have to be afraid any more – this month, or any other.

              

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you – and each other.

September 1, 2013

I feel a little foolish, Poppets. October is LGBT(Q) History Month here in the U.S. – has been since 1994 – and I had no idea. I knew National Coming Out Day was October 11^th, but the whole month being dedicated to our history? No clue. For those of you who knew this already, feel free to skip this article altogether. But for those of you who didn’t know, here’s what I’ve learned…

           

In 1994, Missouri high school teacher, Rodney Wilson, had the idea that our community should have its own history month. He was able to garner support from local community leaders and organizations and the idea spread. Soon, it was recognized by national organizations including GLAAD and the National Education Association. By 2006, Equality Forum had taken over responsibility for developing content, raising awareness, and spreading our history. All thanks to a high school teacher from Missouri.

           

Every October, Equality Forum chooses thirty-one leaders – icons – from the LGBTQ community and focuses on their contributions, both to us, and to the world at large. Every day of the month, a new biography is highlighted. It’s an opportunity for people to learn about leaders, role models, and contributors who, yes, also happen to be gay/lesbian/transgendered/bisexual/queer. The focus is on their achievements. How they have made the world a better, safer, more interesting place. As with Black History Month (February) and Women’s History Month (March) it teaches people, who might not otherwise realize, that things we enjoy, value, even take for granted, were brought to us by members of the LGBTQ community. It reminds people we are human beings with strengths and talents and gifts, just like straight people. It reminds people we matter. Just like straight people.

           

I’m giving you a month, Poppets. Let’s think about how we can celebrate our achievements. The website has this year’s list of icons. It also offers some suggestions for ways to acknowledge the month.

           

And allow me to make a suggestion of my own – social media. Almost all of us have a Facebook page, a twitter account, a tumblr/blogger/reddit username. Let’s use them! Get the word out. Link back to the website. Write your own posts. Highlight the icons. All the biographies and images of the icons on the website are free for reprint, republication, and dissemination. They’ve made it easy for us; let’s thank them, and the people being honored, by boosting the signal.

           

Finally, in preparation of next year, you can even nominate an icon to be honored in 2014. Check out the website. Throw a party. Write a post. Attend a lecture. Hell, this may be the one time I can get behind changing a Facebook avatar! You’ll find all kinds of ideas here: http://lgbthistorymonth.com/.

           

The most important thing, though, is for us to learn our history. To be reminded. It’s easy to get beaten down. To begin to believe the vitriol. To start to think we really are less-than. But every year, here are thirty-one people who refuse to be less-than, or to live in a less-than world. Embrace them. Remember.

           

Until next month – our month - Poppets, take care of you.

August 1, 2013

Have you noticed, Poppets, that the latest salvo in the war against LGBTQ people is now that they've won, let's see if they are willing to give the same tolerance that they demanded from the people who disagreed with them or thereabout. That's the gist of it anyway: tolerance and disagreement. This argument has made me almost speechless. But that’s the key word: almost. I have managed to gather my thoughts and my words and form a response. Let’s break this whole concept down, shall we?

            

First, the idea that we’ve “won.” Usually, this is reference is to the DOMA repeal. Which was wonderful. It was an amazing and necessary step. It was, however, just that – a step. All the repeal of DOMA accomplished was allowing marriage equality in states that didn’t already outlaw it. It didn’t require all states to grant marriage equality. It didn’t even require all states to recognize marriage equality in other states. And it certainly didn’t address employment, homelessness, a culture of violence, adoption, access of services, or any number of non-marriage related issues faced by the LGBTQ community every day. But we “won.” Please. Tell me how something that only applies to a small part of a larger issue, and doesn’t even apply to it nationally, counts as winning anything.

            

Second, the idea that we were ever granted tolerance, even as we demanded it. The whole reason we are having to fight this in the first place is because there was no tolerance. Anyone who wants to codify, through legislation or constitutional amendment, the second-class status of another group of people isn’t tolerating anything. I have lost count of the number of times people who claimed to be “tolerant” insisted that David and I want special rights. We don’t. None of us do. We want acknowledgement that we have the same rights that straight, cis-gendered people take for granted every day. Insisting we want special rights, and using that specialness to deny us those rights, isn’t tolerating anything.

            

Third, and finally, the fact that we all “disagreed.” Really? Is that what we did? We disagreed? No. A disagreement is wanting burgers instead of pizza for dinner. A disagreement is routing for the New York Giants over the New England Patriots. A disagreement can even be thinking we need to put more money into defense rather than into education. A disagreement is not trying to legislate the very humanity of a group of people.

            

The people who spewed hate now want the same level of tolerance they offered us. Part of me really wants to give it to them. Instead, I will speak with my pocket book. I will get my coffee from Starbucks and shop at JC Penney or Target. I will skip the movie adaptation of Orson Scott Card’s Ender’s Game and get my chicken sandwiches somewhere other than Chick Fil’A.

But more importantly, Poppets, let’s all of us not see the repeal of DOMA as a win, but as a step. Let’s refuse to accept almost-good-as. Let’s refuse to confuse tolerance with equality.

            

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.