January 1, 2017

2017. A new year. And I, like many others, won’t be sorry to see 2016 go. While I am known for discouraging new year resolutions, and it would be so easy to tell you to just keep your head down this year particularly, I can’t do that. This year, I’m making resolutions – and asking you to do the same.

This year, starting now, I’m going to ask you to:

Boycott, and boycott wisely. Want a list of companies that do business with the Trump family? You can find it at www.grabyourwallet.com. Now, I personally, am not going to boycott every company that sells Trump family brands, but I understand if others choose to. I’m going to focus on the brands themselves, on the companies who have made it a part of who they are to support him directly, and also the states whose legislatures are backing the white supremacist, alt-right movement of the country.

Stay informed. Wow, I want to disconnect. I want to turn off the news and turn up the music and not feel this. But that is exactly the opposite of what needs to happen right now. We have to see it, acknowledge it, feel it, and refuse to ignore or normalize it.

Have a plan. I have a plan for my safety, for my family’s safety, and for how I can make the country safe for others. So, I guess this one is have three plans. Let me be clear, no one, no cause, no issue is owed your personal safety, welfare, or livelihood. That being said, we must start looking out for each other. But doing it on the fly only contributes to making a bad situation worse. So have a plan. Know what you’re going to do should you experience hate, should you witness hate.

Remember you CAN be part of the problem. Writing for The Betty Pages and reading The Betty Pages, it’s a damn good bet we’re marginalized. And it’s easy to think that makes us exempt from being part of the problem. But white people carry privilege in this country – so if we’re white (which I am), we’re privileged, even if we’re also marginalized elsewhere. Same with being male…Christian…able-bodied…economically secure…even things like thin or literate, that might slip your mind…the vast majority of us are privileged in some way. Don’t get so wrapped up in your own marginalization that you lose sight of how you may be contributing to someone else’s marginalization and pain.

Acknowledge intersectionality is a thing. Stand in solidarity with other marginalized groups. Stand with straight women. And women of color. And cis-gendered disabled men. And the Jewish and Muslim communities. The sad truth is that people in power tend to listen more closely to people who look like them. So use whatever privilege you do have to speak with and stand for whoever you can.
Don’t get bogged down. Prioritize self-care. Yes, this last one may seem to be contradictory, but work to find balance. The new administration is just coming into power this month. We have a minimum of four years to get through. Pace yourself. Keep your plans, your awareness, your involvement at levels you can maintain and survive. Take breaks when you need to.

It’s a new year, and it’s not filled with much hope. But we will get through it. We can. We must.

Until next month, take care of you – and each other.

December 1, 2016

It’s Christmas, Hanukkah, Yule, and time for the secular visit from Santa my friends! Which also means, in spite of everything else that’s happening around us right now, there’s a special something in the air. A something that makes it easy to want to give, to take care of each other, to help the less fortunate.

Now, if you aren’t giving, can’t give, or don’t want to, that’s your business and I truly do not judge (and not in that “I’m not judging” way that your aunt has which means she’s actually judging the shit out of you, but real and genuine not judging).

However, if you’re looking to give, may I suggest making your holiday giving just a little different than it has been in the past. Consider…

Planned Parenthood. 1530 Ellis Street, Bellingham, WA. https://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-center/washington/bellingham/98225/bellingham-health-center-2454-91780 Think they’re just for straight women? Think again. Right there on their site is the fact that they offer LGBT services and men’s health services. But at this point, let’s be honest – most of the straight women who access Planned Parenthood are as vulnerable as we are. Intersectionality is a thing, people. So the organization needs support, regardless.

The Council on American-Islamic Relations (CAIR). The closest branch is in Seattle, and you can find more information here: http://cairseattle.org/ For many people, this one is a little scary. We’ve been taught to be afraid. Getting past that fear is important, though. Not sure where to start? The landing page of CAIR Seattle (at the time of this writing, anyway) has an article titled How to Be an Ally and a Friend. You don’t have to be perfect. You do have to care.

Want to keep it a little more in the family, so to speak? Muslims for Progressive Values out of California is openly and directly allied with the LGBTQ community. You can find them here: http://www.mpvusa.org/

NW Immigration Rights Project. https://www.nwirp.org/ Their core values are dignity, fairness, solidarity, self-determination, safety, and inclusion. If we in the LGBTQ community don’t understand the absolutely vital necessity of these principles, then no one does. Don’t let the fear mongers teach you anything else.

Here’s the thing, though – some people are over being political. Or aren’t at all. Or need a break. Or just want to make a kid smile on the holiday. You can do that, too.

The Whatcom County Food Bank at 1824 Ellis Street is happy to take donations. Just stop by Monday through Friday. Also, if you’re over people but want to help animals, they accept pet food donations on behalf of the Humane Society.

The Northwest Youth Services (http://www.nwys.org/always-needed-items/), Lydia’s Place (http://lydiaplace.org/support/), Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Services (http://dvsas.org/get-involved/donate/)are three of the many organizations that need and take donations. If none of these work for you, call the local churches, temples, and senior centers. They will have options and resources for you.

It may seem very dark right now. It may stay very dark for a while. But the holidays are a time we can push back against the dark, bring in a little light.  And trust me when I tell you that the people in need aren’t the only ones who will feel better if you give.

Whatever you celebrate, may it be joyous and blessed. And until next month – next year – take care of you.

November 1, 2016

It’s November, which means for many of us, myself included, it’s Thanksgiving time. For others, it’s a problematic holiday, and I really get that. So instead of focusing on the day or the holiday, let’s focus on the idea of being thankful. Because, let’s be honest, it can feel like it’s hard to find anything to be thankful for these days.

States are passing oppressive and dangerous anti-trans laws; employment and safety laws are being diluted and eroded; and a major candidate for president refers to us as “the gays” (and so much more, but I promised myself I wouldn’t go there today…).

So, yeah, it’s hard to find something to be thankful for. But that doesn’t mean it’s not there.
This month, rather than get bogged down in the governments, businesses, and communities that hate us, I’m choosing to be thankful for the businesses and communities that are standing with us, pushing back, and declaring our side to be their side.

Now, the truth is that I struggle with having allies and my response to them. Because being an ally means standing with a group of people who are not the people in power. Otherwise, they wouldn’t need allies. On the one hand, I think we should support allies back. Praise them. Thank them. Give them our time, money, and/or energy in return.

However, I also understand the response that says “I’m not going to give cookies to someone for treating me like the human being I actually am.” I get that side of it, too. Which is why I struggle.
So for me, I will be giving these companies my money and my support – and my thanks – this month, and as often as possible. While you have to make the decision for yourself, I can at least put these names in front of you, and let you decide.

Since we’re into the holiday season (again, for many of us), let’s look at some basic categories:

Grocery stores: Kroger brands gets 100% from the Human Rights Campaign. Here in Bellingham, that’s Fred Meyers. Wal-Mart, as much as I hate to give them props for anything, gets a 90. Whole Foods gets an 85, and SuperValu – or the Haggen's here in town – gets an 80. That’s not say that other stores in the area are bad. It just means I can’t find a rating or an official policy for them.

Retail shops: The very cool part about this category is that I can give you several stores that get 100s, and this is nowhere close to an all-inclusive list. Best Buy, Barnes and Noble, GameStop, Hallmark, Home Depot, JC Penney, and Target. 

Miscellaneous: CVS, Chevron, Seattle’s Best Coffee, Starbucks, and Walgreens all also merit 100s.
The Important Holiday Stuff (booze, I’m talking about booze): MANY liquor companies get 100% from the HRC. Some specific options, but not anywhere close to all of them – Bacardi; Bailey’s; Bodega Elena de Mendoza; Glenlivet; Jack Daniels; and Seagrams.

And, one last thought, in case you’re interested… the Trump Organization ranked 0.

Until next month, take care of you – and each other.

October 1, 2016

I started writing for Betty in 2007. Since 2008, every single October I have written about Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Because not only is it the cause that’s dearest to my heart, every September there has been an LGBTQ domestic violence episode in the news, in my life, somewhere putting it right up in my face that this topic must be talked about. That domestic violence occurs every single day within our very own community. That abusers aren’t only straight, cis men.

Until this year. It has taken nine years, but there is no national headline, no personal phone call, no friend in need this year.

But guess what? Domestic violence still occurs every single day within our community. Within every community.

As much as I want to be thrilled that there’s nothing in the news, no immediate reminder, I can’t be. Because it just means I haven’t heard about it. Not that it hasn’t happened. Maybe you haven’t heard about it either. It’s still happening.

So, I’m going to, once again, tell you about the NW Network in Seattle, a domestic violence and sexual assault organization created specifically to serve the LGBTQ community. If you need them – if you are a victim, if you are looking for information and resources, if you want to help a loved one, or if you just have questions – they’re here for you. This month, they’re running a 7 week class entitled “Grrrl, We Got You.” It’s a strategy and exploration lab on community response to violence. While there is a suggested donation, no one will be turned away due to lack of funds. Reach them online at: http://www.nwnetwork.org/ or on the phone for help and support during regular business hours at: 206-568-7777.

And about the Skagit Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Services, out of Mount Vernon. While they are not specifically an LGBTQ organization, they are committed to helping anyone who calls access information, resources, and help. They have many services, including support groups. And their annual Black and White Masquerade Auction is this month on the 22^nd. Tickets are running about $65 and masks are even provided. Learn more about the event, the organization, or get help here: http://www.skagitdvsas.org/index.html. To get help, call their 24-hour hotline: (888) 336-9591.

And about Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Services right here in Bellingham. When I called, they assured me that their resources are available to us, their shelters are open to anyone who identifies as female, and their volunteers get training on LGBTQ issues. You don’t have to travel just to get help. And next month, you can be a part of their largest fundraiser – Hands for Hope Auction and Gala. Stand up against domestic violence and sexual assault as if affects everyone. Get help, get access, and learn more about them at: http://dvsas.org/ or if you need assistance, call the hotline at: 877.715.1563 or 360.715.1563.

It’s October. And as much as I love warm fires, chilly nights, and the turning of the leaves, October really means my heart is one place, if the news cycle is or not.

September 1, 2016

If you’re like me, you’re hearing a lot of people talking about third party candidates. About write-in candidates. About boycotting the election entirely.

Believe me, I get it. I felt the Bern. And, while I don’t dislike Hillary Clinton as much as many people do, she doesn’t represent the great leap forward that our country was poised to make.

But that’s my opinion. Those are my feelings. And while I can be as heart-based as the next person, it’s vital that this election be decided on facts.

Facts like these:

Fact 1: There are only three presidential candidates who are going to be on the ballot in all 50 states: Donald Trump, Gary Johnson, and Hillary Clinton. However you may feel about Jill Stein, she is not going to be on the ballot in all 50 states. She cannot win the presidency.

Fact 2: Gary Johnson is a Libertarian. Now, an aside and full disclosure - in my deepest heart of hearts, so am I. I love the Libertarian ideals. The idea of small government. Of leaving major decisions up to the states and the people. I don’t want to live in a world that has to have government control, oversight, and regulation. I would dearly love for businesses to police themselves, employers to always do what’s right, states to consider their entire population as opposed to just the wealthy, and medical care to be affordable. All that and more. I believe deeply in personal responsibility and accountability. I also recognize that this is not who we are as a people. When left to our own devices, we screw it up. HOWEVER! That’s an opinion and we are looking at facts. So here are the facts* that come with Gary Johnson:       

He wants government out of marriage. He supports marriage equality. But before the government got involved in marriage equality, it didn’t exist. It took the government to make our marriages legal – and Johnson is against that kind of intervention.

·        He wants to leave educating our children to the states, with no federal oversight. Which means children from different states will be taught different curricula. Nevermind what’s real, what’s belief, what’s science, what’s not, what’s historically accurate, what’s not. Put that aside for a moment. Children who come from the same country will be taught different information because their states got to choose what to teach them.

·        He believes in unlimited campaign contributions from corporations to politicians. Hillary Clinton is being raked over the coals because she’s “in Wall Street’s pocket.” Think about what unlimited campaign contributions from corporations would do.

·        He cut his state’s Medicaid and Medicare budgets by 43%. So, the federal government isn’t responsible for the country’s most vulnerable – but the states can slice budgets by nearly half.

·        He’s against a federal minimum wage. Enough said.

·        He wants to privatize social security and raise the retirement to age 70 or even 72. Social security is our money. We made it. We gave it over. We had an agreement. Now, he wants to change that agreement.

And here’s the final piece, folks – Stein nor Johnson nor any other third party candidate or write in candidate is going to win this year. It would be lovely if Bernie could get enough write-ins to win. But he couldn’t get enough actual votes to even secure the nomination. He’s not going to get the win.

Fact 3: It’s a race between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. No matter who’s on the ballot, that’s the fact.

You’ve got two months to participate or not in this election, however you see fit. You get out and knock on doors, make phone calls, or sit quietly and do nothing. You can stomp and rage and protest, or just quietly seethe that your candidate didn’t win. Argue it, or shut it down with silence. Engage or ignore. I do not care.

But come November, vote. You must. This is not the year to not vote. Or to try to take a stand by voting for a third party. Look at the facts. Look at what’s at stake. And whatever you do over the next two months, come November, vote.

*http://www.ontheissues.org/Gary_Johnson.htm 

August 1, 2016

How was your Pride last month? I truly hope it was special. Back in June, we went to David’s first ever Pride Parade in Boston. Next month, we’re hoping to catch the Pride events in Worcester, where we currently call home.

I’m starting with that question because I am doggedly determined to write a happy, uplifting, peaceful article this month. Why? Because as I’m writing it, the Republican National Convention is going on. Donald Trump has just given the American people the chance to put Mike Pence a bad cold away from the Oval Office. And the nation is still reeling from gun violence. Expect articles on all of that as both situations develop – but for now, I’m focused on something else. At least for a month.

So here’s that something else, something that happened last month. The very same week I wrote this article and everything I just mentioned went down, in fact.

The California State Board of Education unanimously passed a ground-breaking LGBTQ addition to the history/social sciences curriculum. Come this fall when public schools go back into session, the history, rights, and accomplishments of LGBTQ peoples will be part of the everyday curriculum.

Starting in 2^nd grade, students will learn about same-sex couples. By 4^th grade, they’ll be learning about the LGBTQ organizations that came about as early as the 1950s. In middle school, they’ll move on the evolution of gender norms in the 18^th-20^th centuries – and the people who pushed back against them. By the time California public school students are in high school, they will be learning about the laws and struggles happening currently, like the fight for marriage equality and the anti-trans bathroom bills in states nationally.

And the new regulations go one step further – not only are the new classrooms inclusive, anti-LGBTQ teachings are banned. There’s no exception for “religious freedom” or any attempt at being “fair and balanced.” We exist. We were oppressed. We are marginalized. We continue to fight back. We continue to contribute. We matter. There is no counter-argument.

The need for this is clear. And not just because our history IS American history. But because according to a 2013 national survey, 74% of LGBTQ middle and high school students experienced verbal harassment due their orientation and identity. In schools without explicitly inclusive materials, 60% of LGBTQ students report feeling unsafe. That number drops to 30% in schools with explicitly inclusive materials.

Now, I’m me, which means I look at most things with a heaping spoonful of skepticism. I am concerned that we still desperately need a Black History Month, but the history of LGBTQ people gets fully incorporated into the daily curriculum. Will this include LGBTQ people of color? Or is there going to be a white-washing? Are transmen and –women going to be truly included? Or is it going to be the history and struggle of white, gay men – which counts and is part of the story, but nowhere near the full story.

I don’t mean to end on a skeptical note, and I am definitely excited about this move. It has the potential to be huge. So come on, California, don’t screw this up. The nation is watching, and we could really use some good news.

Until next month, take care of you – and each other.

Sources: http://www.attn.com/stories/9981/california-to-start-teaching-lgbt-rights-movement-in-public-schools

http://www.latimes.com/local/lanow/la-me-lgbt-curriculum-california-20160714-snap-story.html

July 2016

Like every other LGBTQ columnist out there, I’m writing about Orlando this month. If it’s too much, I get it. I do. Skip this one, and I’ll see you again in August. I love you.

For those of you still with me – I love you. 

Somehow, I think that’s important to say to each other right now.

49 of our brothers, sisters, and siblings were killed last month because someone hated us. We need to speak of love.

Yes, anger. Yes, pain. Yes, action. I will not tell you to turn the other cheek or let it roll of your back or any of those things.

But also, love.

Because there are three communities that have been torn apart by one man’s hate:
1. The LGBTQ community
2. The Latinx community
3. The Muslim community

Breaking it down – 
1. The LGBTQ community. Obviously. We were targeted. We were hunted. We were slaughtered. It wasn’t a terror attack on a mall or sporting event where LGBTQ peoples could have been among the victims. This was a terror attack against us.
2. The Latinx community. Along those same lines, the killer researched the nightclub, its calendar, the crowd. He chose Latin night. Yes, we white members of the LGBTQ community deserve to fell attacked and threatened. It wasn’t just a racist act. There were plenty of straight Latin clubs he could’ve targeted but didn’t. But nor can we erase the fact that it was also a racist act, perpetrated against a very specific people.
3. The Muslim community. I don’t know how many times it has to be said before the media and political pundits start repeating it, but Islam is a peaceful religion. It’s been co-opted by some hateful, hate-filled extremists, but Islam itself is neither. Yet part of the reason the media and the political pundits were so fast to declare it domestic terrorism was because the killer fit the convenient, saleable profile of a terrorist. And no, I don’t believe he did it for ISIS, in spite of his claims. I believe he, too, knew that radicalized Islam would lend a sick legitimacy to his actions so he didn’t have to admit just how much he hated us.

Which brings us back to hate. Because he did hate. 

He didn’t know the 49. He didn’t care to know the 49. He only knew hate.

So…I love you. I love you for exactly who you are. I’m not saying that should make everything better. In fact, I doubt it will make anything better. I still love you.

Because it’s all I have. Because love beats hate. Because if one man’s hate can do this much damage, maybe one person’s love can help, even a little bit.

So – I love you.

Until next month, take care of you – and each other.

June 1, 2016

The day I wrote this article, the United States House of Representatives voted down a bill that would have protected LGBTQ rights. The bill, which was actually expected to pass, would’ve made it illegal for federal contractors to fire employees based on orientation.

It missed by one vote, failing 212 to 213.

This article almost didn’t get written. I almost emailed Betty and said “I have nothing for you this month.” Because I was almost beaten. The hate that is being spewed – not only without fear of repercussion but with authority and legitimacy – very nearly got to me this month.

I texted my sister because I had nothing. It’s not that I didn’t have an idea. Writer’s block sucks but it’s part of being a professional writer. You learn to just start putting words on the page and next thing you know, you’ve got an article, or an essay, or a chapter, or whatever. The day I wrote this, my nothing was more than that.

I couldn’t bring myself to write an events article. Not with all the government sanctioned hate happening to us right now. But I couldn’t bring myself to write another article about the hate. Not this month. I had … nothing.

And then my sister texted me back. My niece, her daughter, is in the 5th grade. Goes to public school. In the interest of full disclosure, she goes to public school in one of the most liberal, tipped all the way over to the left, artsy, earthy crunchy towns in the entire country. She still goes to public school. Here in the United States.

Two of her friends, her schoolmates, are transgender girls. Openly, happily, supported by parents and community alike. In 4th and 5th grade.

My friends, Darin and David, have become foster parents in order to begin the process of adoption. They’re in Oregon.

My friends, Christine and Teresa, just up and got married at the spur of the moment last month. They’re in Connecticut.

And another friend (who shall also remain unidentified, because he’s a minor) has come out to his friends, his school, and his mom as definitely gay, possibly transgender, and certainly bigender. He’s in Maryland (and still requests male pronouns, just to be clear).

Five instances of love don’t even count as a drop given the tsunami of hatred that’s rushing toward us right now – and yet they MUST matter. They DO matter.

Because it is different. And I have to believe that we will push back against the hate. 

Now is not an easy time. I’m deeply afraid it will get worse before it gets better. And – it is different. So I hold onto that. Because that’s something.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you – and each other.

May 1, 2016

There’s a sense growing in the United States that scares me, Poppets. There’s a sense that Ted Cruz is a viable, saner, more palatable alternative to Donald Trump. Oh, Poppets, this is a road we must not go down.

Now, I realize that I am probably not talking to that many Republican voters right now. That most of you are staunchly entrenched in the Hillary or Bernie camps. What scares me, though, are those of you who might be so firmly entrenched in their respective candidate’s camp that you’re also in the PUMA (Party Unity My Ass) camp.

Don’t get me wrong – I understand it. We have had candidates shoved down our throats. We have voted for the lesser of two evils. We have been stuck with nominees who considered us afterthoughts, at best, and second-class citizens, at worst (and that’s within the Democratic party!). If your candidate doesn’t become the nominee, I really do understand how easy it would be to not vote for the other in November. Or to vote for a third, independent candidate.

But here’s the truth – that is voting for the Republican candidate. Silence, in whatever form it takes, always empowers the oppressor. You can argue all you want, but the fact remains that not voting, or throwing away your vote simply to be able to stand there and say “oh, but I did vote!” is voting for the other side.

Which brings me back to the opening paragraph – people are starting to see Ted Cruz as a viable, saner alternative to Donald Trump. And it’s making people believe that, so long as Donald Trump isn’t nominated in November, it’s okay to be in the PUMA party. It’s okay to not vote for Hillary or Bernie, because hey, Ted Cruz may win, but it’s not Trump, so it’s okay!

No. No, it’s not.

Do not fall into this trap, Poppets. Cruz is calmer. He is more likeable. He’s friendlier – but do not mistake that for being nicer. Or kinder. Or saner.

He wants to patrol Muslim neighborhoods. (http://www.cnn.com/2016/03/22/politics/ted-cruz-muslim-neighborhoods/)

He wants to keep Christianity and the 10 Commandments in the “public sphere”, completely disregarding the separation of church and state and the, you know, millions of nonChristians who live here. (http://www.ontheissues.org/Ted_Cruz.htm)

He wants to outlaw a woman’s right to choose what she can do with her own body. (http://www.ontheissues.org/Ted_Cruz.htm)

And he considers our very existence a “moral decay” and a “crisis.” (http://thinkprogress.org/lgbt/2016/01/27/3743336/cruz-gay-marriage-iowa/)

Go ahead. Disagree with Hillary or Bernie. Argue, debate, fight, protest, volunteer. For God’s sake VOTE. But come November, put it aside. Even if your candidate didn’t win the nomination. Because Ted Cruz is not a saner alternative to Donald Trump. Just a quieter one.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you – and each other.

April 1, 2016

This article’s going to be short, Poppets, because sometimes it doesn’t take many words to say what I want to say.

April 25th is the last day you can register to vote or update your voter registration status online. In other words, if you want to be able to vote in the Presidential primary next month, it helps to be on top of it this month. 

May 16th is the last day to register IN PERSON to vote in the Presidential primary. But you have to be able to get to the County Auditor’s Office. In Bellingham, that’s at 311 Grand Avenue, suite 103.

All voters are encouraged to register early in order to prevent delays, glitches, or other issues.

And do not for a moment, Poppets, believe that the nominees are inevitable, have already been decided. THEY HAVEN’T. I know it doesn’t feel like your vote counts, but it’s important to vote anyway.

Think of it this way – if everyone who didn’t vote because their vote “didn’t matter” it would be enough people to change the outcome. Don’t be one of those people.

Don’t like any of the candidates? I feel your pain. Vote anyway. Vote against a candidate instead of voting for one. There are candidates running this year who hate us. They aren’t afraid. It’s not a difference of opinion. They hate us. Vote against them, or you are voting for them. Doing nothing favors the other side. It just does.

The names on the ballot come November matter. They matter deeply. Take a stand. Have a voice. Participate. Changes always start small, with one person. November isn’t that far away. You could even say it starts this month. So you start this month, too.

Start this month. This election. This vote. It matters because you matter. Because we matter.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you – and each other.

March 1, 2016

It’s March, Poppets. We’ve almost made it through winter. The cold, the rain, the dark…it’s almost behind us for another year.

Here’s more good news, just about the time you’re thinking it might be nice to get out, shake off the winter blahs and go do something, there are things to do!

If you’re really looking to get out of town for a bit – and we all know a little travel is good for the soul, especially after a long period of hibernation – Dine Around Seattle runs Sundays through Thursdays, this month from March 6th through the 31st.  Participating restaurants are offering three-course meals for $33. Some are even offering $18 lunches! For more information and a list of participants, go to www.dinearoundseattle.org or call 206.629.2346 x 4.

Closer to home, the First Christian Church (Disciples of Christ) hosts a community meal that’s open to the public, free of charge, one Sunday a month. This month, it’s the 13th. In April, it’s the 10th. Lunch is from 2:00 to 3:30 both days. If you’re interested in volunteering to help set up, clean up, or just be an official pair of hands, give them a call at (360) 734-6820. And don’t be worried about being judged at a Christian church. First Christian is open and affirming, which means they actively welcome and provide safe space for us.

March 19th brings the Farmers’ Market. Hopefully, you’re already familiar with it, but just in case you’re not – 10:00 am to 3:00 pm at the Depot Market Square. And by April, they’re back to their regular schedule instead of their winter one. Told you we were almost through it!

Also, on the 19th, Whatcom Community College is offering a course on Energy Medicine for You and Your Health. It’s been a long winter. We’re moving into what is guaranteed to be a contentious and truly vicious presidential campaign. Learn some ways to take care of and protect yourself, spiritually and emotionally. The cost is $35 and you should preregister. Call (360) 383-3200 or go to www.whatcom.ctc.edu to learn more.

Need some good old fashioned, family-friendly fun? Try the Purim Carnival hosted by Congregation Beth Israel. It’s Sunday, March 20th, starting at 11:30 am, in Donovan Park. Call (360) 733-8890 for more details.

And finally, April 1st starts the Skagit County Tulip Festival and all the many events that happen down there this time of year. You can find them on Facebook for up to the minute information and schedules.

Spring is on its way, Poppets. Let’s get out and enjoy it!

Until next month, take care of you – and each other.

February 1, 2016

It’s award season, Poppets, and for many of us that’s a fabulous time. The glitz and glitter. The clothes. The gorgeous people out looking their most dashing and beautiful. What’s not to love?

Except…

Except that the Academy Awards nominations are entirely white throughout every single major category this year. Think about that: every nominee, of every gender, in every major category is one race – white.

But guess what? The host is black! So it’s okay, right? In other words, the man providing the entertainment is allowed to be a man of color, just not the award winners. Sounds remarkably like the minstrel shows, of you think about it. 

And let’s get this out of the way, too – I have NO quarrel with Chris Rock. First, he took the gig long before the nominations were announced and second, the man is allowed to cash his paycheck. If he’s comfortable taking the money, I am not about to tell him he’s out of place.

However, white people being amused and entertained by a black man – while honoring themselves and no one else? That I have a problem with.

And, honestly, you should, too. First, because the LGBTQ community includes people of color. When people of color are left out of anything, it means some of our own are being excluded. Then, because there is overlap here, even for those of us who are not people of color. Because white, cis, straight must not be the only things of value in our society. Yet we are told over and over and over again that they are. That white, straight, and cis are all that matter.

Even the times our stories are being told by Hollywood, they are being told too often by white, straight, and cis people. The Dallas Buyers Club and Jared Leto. Transparent and Jeffery Tambor. About Ray and Elle Fanning. The Danish Girl and Eddie Redmayne. And don’t get me started on what happened with Stonewall. 

Yes, these are brilliant performances by brilliant actors (with the notable exception of Stonewall, which was pretty bad all the way around). They are still white, straight, cis actors telling these stories – because, as we keep seeing, white, straight and cis is what’s considered valuable.

I’ve also heard the argument that there aren’t enough transgender actors who are talented enough to play the roles. While I have no definitive proof that this isn’t true, I still call bullshit. You know why? Because it’s the exact same argument that gets used to justify why there are so few people of color in any role of responsibility, from acting to Wall Street. It’s the same argument that gets used when yet another man gets a promotion or a six-figure job and a woman doesn’t. “We hired the best person. We would have loved to have hired someone not this white, straight, cis, man but no one else was as good.” Really? No, not really.

News flash – if casting directors only look for established, well-known transgender actors, they aren’t going to find many. We haven’t given them enough roles to become established and well-known. God love Laverne Cox, she can’t play every role out there.

We have slammed too many doors in too many faces to expect to be able to reopen them now and have the people we want standing there, waiting. Plus, let’s be honest – movie makers don’t actually want transgender actors (or actors of color, or openly gay, lesbian, or bi actors) in those roles. Because if the people in charge truly wanted those actors, they would find them.

In 2014, there was a delightful movie called Boy Meets Girl. Its budget was a pittance. And they found a charming, talented, charismatic, transgender young actress to play the role of a charming, talented, charismatic, transgender young woman. Trust and believe, if the producers of Boy Meets Girl can find Michelle Hendley, so can major players in Hollywood.

It’s also too close to the argument that’s being used to justify all the Oscar nominations being white this year. “Oh, it was such a strong field… We would have loved to have nomination actors of color, but…” I’m sorry, but Idris Elba, Benicio Del Toro, and Samuel L Jackson all had movies out this year. It doesn’t matter what the role is, those men deliver, at the very least, Oscar-nomination worthy performances.

Which brings us back to where we started and #Oscarssowhite – and why we should care.
It’s the 21st century. White, straight, and cis shouldn’t be the only ones who get to do the talking, or who get the honors.

Watch the Oscars, or don’t. Pay attention to the fashion, or don’t. I’m not calling for a boycott, or anything like that. Just don’t be oblivious, and don’t think that’s it’s not your issue. Because it is. It’s an issue – a problem – that belongs to all of us.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

January 1, 2016

Poppets, I cannot tell you how many drafts of this month’s article I have written, edited, deleted, and started fresh.

Part of it, no doubt, is because I’ve been writing this column for a while and, eventually, the ideas dry up a bit.

But part of it is I’m conflicted this year. I want to write about resolving to find love and peace in the face of hatred and chaos. I want to encourage you and myself to rise above. To answer with love. To embrace when possible and disengage when it’s not.

On the other hand…I want to write about resolving to stand fast. To fight back. To answer every microaggression with power. To refuse to be silenced or cowed, even to ensure a peaceful moment or two.

To write about letting people make their own choices, go their own way, and allowing grown-ups to fuck up and fail if that’s what it means. All while writing about how we must look out for each other, and guide, advise, and support because we are all put on this earth to take care of each other.

And so I have started each of those articles – and a couple others, to be completely honest with you – and still haven’t settled on my path.

For me, in 2016, I think I will resolve to find the balance between those two seemingly disparate concepts: love and fighting. 

• I will not stand for being attacked – but I will make sure I am being attacked before I strike back.
• I will be willing to forgive a misspeak or misstep based in true ignorance – but I will not let ignorance be an excuse for cruelty.
• I will embrace teaching moments – but I will not allow the conversation to be derailed onto how I need to explain myself.
• I will not be man-splained, straight-splained, thin-splained, or Christian-splained – but I will be willing to have conversation where my partners get to do more than just listen to my experience, even if it’s not theirs.

As a Wiccan witch and a Libra, I believe everything is interconnected and I strive for balance. These resolutions reflect that.

In the past, I have been vehement about not making resolutions based on the turning of the page of a calendar. This year is different, though. This year, I need to make these resolutions. I need to know what my path will be before the vitriol that is building comes in full force.

So, Poppets, I encourage you to find your path, as well. Identify what’s important to you before you need it.

Be safe this year. Be well. And fight or love, as suits your needs.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you – and each other.

December 1, 2015

As I mentioned last month, Poppets, the holidays started for me back in October with Samhain/Halloween. But they do reach critical mass here in December. Yule. Christmas. Boxing Day. I love them all. Not only do I get (more than) a little Martha Stewart-y in my own gothy way, but I admit it: I get teary.

Commercials kill me. Coffee commercial. Coca-cola commercials. Those damn Budweiser Clydesdales get me every. freaking. time.

This year, though, this year I’m teary over something else, as well. I’m grateful. I’m grateful to be back home in New England with the person I love in the place I love, surrounded by people I love and who love us back.

My family is happy, healthy, and well. We all have enough food in the pantry and money to pay the heating bills.

And I can never, ever, take any of those things for granted again. Which makes this year’s annual article on giving even more poignant for me. Because I am also so desperately grateful for the ability and opportunity to give back.

Now, maybe you don’t give at this time of year. Maybe you can’t, or you just don’t, or whatever. If that’s the case, cool. I have no problem with you making the choices that work for your world.

But! If you’re looking for ideas, may I suggest:

The Card Family. Visa cards. Gas cards. Starbucks cards. Target cards. McDonald’s cards. Movie theatre cards. No, giving cash isn’t actually all that special, but a bit of a shopping spree when you never get that is special. And the chance to hang out with your friends and actually buy a coffee, or go to the movie, or truly participate can be a blessing to a teenager.

The Practical Stuff. Warm hats, gloves, and scarves. Boots. Socks. Underwear. Pajamas, slippers, robes. No, none of it is glamorous. You won’t make any child squeal or teenager actually break a smile. But it will matter. A lot.

Toiletries. Toothbrushes. Toothpaste. Brushes. Deodorant. Baby powder. Tampons. Soap and travel soap dishes. These are all still needed during the holidays, when most people’s minds turn toward the fun stuff. Don’t forget the mundane is still important. Try to donate full-sized stuff, though. The travel-sized and hotel-sized stuff isn’t as helpful as we all want it to be.

Christmas-y stuff. Artificial trees. Wrapping paper. Tape and ribbon. Stocking stuffers. Tree ornaments. Batteries! The right organization can get these to the right recipients, and everyone will be happy.

Traditional gifts. Art supplies. Puzzle books with pencils. How-to books. Anything Avengers this year. Ball caps. Fancy toiletries (boys like body wash and cologne, too, remember!). Kits – from gingerbread houses to archeology digs. These are the things that never go out of style. Don’t underestimate their appeal. 

Unexpected food. Chocolates. Nuts. Tea bags. Ground coffee. Powdered creamer. Sugar. Granola bars. Cookies. Most food bank donations are healthy – as they should be. But sometimes, especially during the holidays, treats are nice, too. 

And there you have it; some suggestions if you’re looking to give this season. And if you’re not, feel free to pass the list along!

We’ve gotten through another year, Poppets. I say we’re doing pretty damn well – and God bless us, everyone.

Until next month, Poppets, Merry Whatever you celebrate. Take care of you – and each other.

November 1, 2015

The holidays and winter are upon us, Poppets. Here in my house, the holidays start with Samhain (Halloween) and run through New Year’s Eve, encompassing Thanksgiving, Yule, and Christmas. 

But winter lasts a lot longer – especially now that we’ve moved back to New England.

With the cold, celebratory season also comes favorite recipes. Winter, more than any other season, makes me want to fill the house with the scents and aromas of the season – not to mention my tummy with the tastes, too!

But there’s also that element of thanksgiving. Of closeness that comes with the holiday season. Of being especially grateful for the people I love most. So this year, let me share with you some of my favorite people’s favorite winter recipes. (And no, none of them have Betty’s favorite ingredient in them! I’ll leave those recipes to her…)

Anna’s Gingerbread – This has become staple in David’s and my house. Just don’t use blackstrap molasses, because it makes it taste burnt instead of dark and rich. Yes, I know this to be true. Learn from my mistake, Poppets. Also, breaking this up and combining it with eggnog custard or pudding for a trifle is delicious!
1/2 cup butter or margarine
1 1/2 cups dark brown sugar
1 1/4 cups dark molasses
2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
2 eggs, beaten
2 teaspoons ground ginger
1 tablespoon ground cinnamon
3 tablespoons warm milk
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 cup raisins (optional, I always leave out)
Melt butter or margarine, sugar, and molasses in saucepan over low heat. Heat until sugar is dissolved and mix well. Remove from heat. Put flour, eggs, ginger, cinnamon, milk, baking soda, and raisins in mixing bowl. Add butter mixture and mix with spoon or electric mixer until well blended. Pour mixture into baking pan and bake in oven until toothpick inserted in center of cake comes out clean (about 45 minutes). To serve, allow to cool to room temperature before cutting into squares.

Dan’s Honey and Walnut Dip – The holidays can mean gatherings of friends, colleagues, coworkers. And we’re all busy – but you can’t show up empty handed. The best part is there is literally no measuring, no way to do it wrong. Like walnuts? Add more. Like honey? Add more. Whatever works for you. This is so fast, you can almost make it in your car in the parking lot before you head into the party if you need to. 
1 block cream cheese, softened
Walnut pieces
Honey
Stir the walnuts into the cream cheese. Stir the honey into the walnut-cream cheese combo. Serve with wheat crackers. Seriously, that’s it. But it tastes like you slaved all day.

Lori’s Hot Italian Beef – This is the best version of the classic sandwich I have ever eaten (and I’ve eaten far more of my share of Italian beefs). Plus, it’s so damn easy. Put it on in the morning and walk away. Hot, drippy, delicious dinner a few hours later. What’s not to love?
1 rump roast
1 jar pepperoncini
Italian seasoning to taste
Beef broth to cover
6 or so cloves of garlic
Hoagie rolls
Put everything but the rolls in a crockpot. Let it cook for at least 6 hours. Check to see if it’s falling apart yet. Cook longer if necessary, but no longer than a total of 8 hours.
Remove beef from crock pot, keeping juice in reserve. Shred the beef and fill rolls. Dip (but don’t soak) the sandwich in reserved juice.

Mac’s Winter Root Soup – Rich, thick, and perfect for a cold night. Makes use of winter root vegetables to their most delicious potential.
Butternut squash
Sweet potato
Carrots
Yukon gold potatoes (unpeeled)
Chicken broth
Cut all veggies into cubes. Put in large roasting pan with 5-6 whole garlic cloves. Top with olive oil and sprinkle w salt, pepper, cayenne & ginger to taste. Roast uncovered on 425 for 45-60 min, until cooked through. Let it cool.
Once cool, put veggies in a blender in batches with 1/2 cup chicken broth each batch until smooth. Reheat, pour into in bowls, and top with favorite garnish (paprika, chopped nuts, whatever). Serve with crusty bread. Maybe even…

Sister and Brother’s Easy Bread – In case you didn’t figure it out, this is my sister and brother-in-law’s recipe. And yes, we call each other Sister, and sometimes Brother. Your kitchen will smell like your favorite bakery when you’re done with this.
3 cups all-purpose flour 
1 tsp salt 
1/4 tsp yeast 
1-1/2 c warm water
 Put everything in a large bowl. Stir it all around with a fork until it's a gooey mess.  Cover it in plastic and let sit 12 - 24 hours.
Flour a board or counter (liberally), and with wet hands, scoop the risen goo out onto the floured surface.  Pull the edges in to the center and flip it over so you have a nice taut surface.  Flour a towel and cover the dough, let it 'nap' for an hour or so. 

Put a covered oven-safe bowl into the oven and preheat to 450 for 30 minutes.  Dump dough into hot pot, shake to distribute, cover, bake 27 minutes.  Uncover and bake another 11 minutes.  (These are random times, but they work!)
Remove and cool in the pot. Bread will just pop out when cool.

Starbuck’s Gingerbread Muffins – Want to pretend that gingerbread is a breakfast food, and not cake? These are what you’re looking for. And the same warning against blackstrap molasses is in effect. Try them toasted or grilled with (plain, not Dan’s) cream cheese.

1/2 cup white sugar
1/2 cup softened butter
1 egg
1 cup unsulphured (not black strap) molasses
2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1 1/2 teaspoons baking soda
2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
2 teaspoons ground ginger
1 teaspoon ground cloves
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 cup hot water
1/2 cup applesauce

Preheat oven to 350. Grease & flour muffin tins. In a large bowl, cream together the sugar & butter. Beat in the egg, and then mix in the molasses. In a separate bowl, sift together the flour, salt, baking soda, cinnamon, ginger, and cloves. 
Blend the dry bowl into the creamed mixture, and add the applesauce. Stir in the hot water. Pour into muffin tins.
Bake 15 minutes.

Susan’s Spiced Tea – This is my mother’s recipe. It is literally the taste and smell of my childhood. Generally, I distain instant drinks. This is the exception. Plus, it will keep FOREVER in an air-tight container.
2 cups Tang
2 scoops instant lemonade (if anybody can still find Wyler's, it's especially good) 
1 cup instant, unsweetened tea (caffeinated or decaf, optional)
1 teaspoon ground clove
1 heaping teaspoon cinnamon
Combine all the ingredients. Add 2 T to a mug and pour in hot, not quite boiling, water. Stir well.

My Dear David’s Apple Cider – Because no article about some of my favorite people in the world would be complete without my dear David. We went apple picking last month and used the freshest apples EVER this time. I want to say it doesn’t make a difference…but it does. Still, the apples you can get a grocery store make it taste damn good.
12 medium apples 
2 cinnamon sticks
1 star anise
2 t ground cloves
Orange peel for zest
Sugar 
Cut apples into 2 inch cubes (this can be approximate). Put in a large pot, just covered with water. Throw in cinnamon, star anise, cloves, and zest. Keep everything at a low boil for an hour or two, until it’s all liquid.
Let cool. Strain out solids with cheese cloth.
Add sugar to taste and reheat. Serve with a cinnamon stick (or rum!)

There you have it, Poppets. From some of my favorite kitchens to yours, for my favorite time of year – and into the snowy beyond.

May you find reasons to be thankful this month, Poppets, and know I’m thankful for you.

Until next month, take care of you – and each other.

October 1, 2015

Betty indulges me, Poppets. She lets me ramble on about stupid shit, and important shit, and shit that’s really near and dear to my heart. Pretty much whatever I want. Example? Almost every October for the past eight years, I’ve written a variation on the same article: Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

Guess what? I’m continually grateful for Betty, because I’m writing that same article this year.

Why? Because a man in Dallas recently got ten years’ probation – probation, Poppets – for killing his transgender partner. Her name was Janette Tovar, and earlier in the day Jonathan Stewart Kenney slammed her head into concrete during an argument.

Later that evening, he called 911 when she became nonresponsive. But the cause of death was blunt force trauma. In other words, his slamming her head into cement. During an argument. Which is the very definition of physical domestic violence, Poppets.

But it should be cut and dried, right? They fought. He hurt her, badly. She died. He even admitted to it. This is domestic violence to the Nth degree. This is domestic violence murder.

But he got ten years’ probation and a $2500 fine.

Tell me again how just and fair the system is to victims of domestic violence. Then tell me again how just and fair it is to the LGBTQ community.

Tell me how a fight – whatever the fight was about – justifies slamming a woman’s head into concrete so hard that it kills her. Tell me again how victims of domestic violence ask for it.

Finally, tell me how domestic violence doesn’t exist in the LGBTQ community. Tell me how it’s a fair fight if it takes place amongst ourselves.

Luckily, I’m not the only one passionate about this. 

So are the people at the Northwest Network, an agency specifically for LGBTQ survivors of abuse. They’re based out of Seattle, and you can reach them here (206) 568-7777 during normal business hours, or find out more information here: http://nwnetwork.org.

So are the people at the Skagit County Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Services. They are a full-service resource center for victims of domestic violence and sexual assault, and are openly LGBTQ friendly. You can reach them here (888) 336-9591 24-hours a day, or find out more information here: http://www.skagitdvsas.org.

So are you – I hope. Because if you’re aware of it or not, someone you know, someone you love, is or has been a victim of domestic violence. People don’t just get in touch with those organizations to ask for help. You can call them and ask how to help, too. I hope you will.

Because it’s real. It’s happening – to us. Among us. By us.

Her name was Janette Tovar, and he got ten years’ probation.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you – and each other.

(Source: http://crimeblog.dallasnews.com/2015/09/dallas-man-receives-10-years-probation-for-death-of-transgender-woman.html/
http://www.advocate.com/crime/2015/9/16/shocker-texas-man-confesses-killing-trans-woman-only-gets-probation
http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2015/09/16/texas-man-gets-probation-for-killing-his-trans-girlfriend.html)

September 1, 2015

LGBTQ, Poppets. That’s what we call ourselves. Sometimes, we add A and I in there. But it’s been LGBT(Q) almost from the beginning. Some of us even remember when it was GLBT. Whatever order you put those letters in, though, the point is that bisexual has been right there, on equal footing, from the beginning.

So – why do we ignore them? Invalidate them? Erase them?

Think I’m wrong? How often have you heard it said, when a woman who last dated a man starts dating a woman “oh, so she’s a lesbian now?” Or run into the concept that if a man likes sex with men, he’s gay, period, and should really just admit it. Never mind how often you’ve heard it; how often have you thought it yourself?

Bisexuals are often banned from safe spaces if they are in an opposite-gender relationship. They aren’t “gay enough” or they’re traitors.

Society is slowly, ever so slowly, beginning to understand that gender is fluid. Hell, the term “genderfluid” is a thing now. And yet we, even amongst ourselves, want to continue to insist that bisexuals aren’t real. That you can be heterosexual or homosexual and nothing in between.

There is so much more space on the sexuality spectrum than the two poles, Poppets!

The new generation is getting it. They’re better at it than we are, I think. They at least recognize, if not 100% accept yet, pansexual (which before anyone asks, no, isn’t just a new age term for bisexual) and several variations of asexual. They call out bisexual erasure far better and more thoroughly than my generation – or the generation after mine – have so far.

But that doesn’t mean we’re hopeless, the generation before, with, and after me. We can learn new tricks, even as old dogs. Stop erasing the B from our alphabet. Stop belittling them as cheaters, as fake, as slumming with the queers. And yes, those are all things I have heard cast at my bisexual friends and family. 

Society is evolving, expanding. There are more designations for sexuality and gender than ever before, as we recognize just how gloriously messy the whole male-female-sex thing is. There are even orientations and expressions that don’t have names or labels yet, which makes the Q more important than ever.

In light of this, we’re going to pretend the B doesn’t really exist? Isn’t real? The B that’s been there right along with the L, the G, and T from the beginning – we’re going to keep erasing them?

As I say so often, we’re better than that, Poppets. So let’s be better than that. Yes, you can come out as gay or lesbian after being in a heterosexual relationship. You can even come out after having had children and family. And – and you can also be bisexual. And in this relationship, with this person. Their gender doesn’t change your orientation.

It’s time we all remembered that.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you – and each other.

August 1, 2015

I don’t often do reviews here, Poppets, in spite of Betty bringing me on to keep you abreast of what’s happening on the east coast (wow, that didn’t go as planned, did it?). But sometimes, a review works. Like this month.

We are big Netflix fans out here. David and I can binge with the best of them. To the point that we will rarely even get involved with a show that has fewer than two seasons, because why get invested? However two of Netflix’s original series caught our eye – Grace and Frankie and Sense8 - and we thought we’d check them out. 

Talk about a juxtaposition.

Grace and Frankie is about two hetero couples in their 60s or early 70s (the actors are Lily Tomlin, Jane Fonda, Sam Waterston, and Martin Sheen, so their age). The men have been business partners and best friends for decades. The women tolerate each other for their husbands. The four of them are meeting for dinner when the men drop the bombshell that they are in love, that they have been a couple for at least 20 years, and now that they can get married, they want to do so. The husbands are leaving the wives for each other.

Now, I know that this is a scenario that plays itself out in real life, so I don’t object to the subject. But as the episode went on, it became obvious that the men were going to be The Bad Guys and the women were going to be The Ones We Root For.

The focus was entirely on the women’s pain. The men felt guilty – but not by much. The women were being painted as having everything ripped from them, while the men were going to ride off into the sunset together.

Except that it isn’t that easy. It’s never that easy. As someone who was the one to ask for the divorce (previously, David and I are still deliriously happy in our little bubble), there is no easy riding off into the sunset without a care in the world. As the man who had to tell his wife he was gay (previously, I knew from the beginning), the pain David experienced was no small thing. Between the two of us, we were these two characters in our previous marriages – and it was nowhere close to as easy as Grace and Frankie would have you believe.

Now, full disclosure, the show may get better. I couldn’t get through the first episode. It was too one-sided, and too…wrong. Too false and too painful in its refusal to see both sides of the story, to ready to paint the men as the bad guys. 

Then there was Sense8. Interestingly enough, I’d heard really good things about Grace and Frankie and so-so things about Sense8, so I wasn’t as excited about this one.

Was I ever wrong. The plot is a bit convoluted, and may not read well, but there are eight people who are connected telepathically. Why? Who are they? What’s going on? No one knows, not even them. But they can talk and visit and jump into each other’s bodies. It’s a cool set up if you like that kind of thing (which I do).

But what makes it worth writing about here is the fact that there are a transgender woman who is part of a lesbian couple and a closeted but partnered gay man as some of the main characters. Needless to say, their lives aren’t easy. They’re a transgender lesbian, a closeted gay man, and their respective partners for heaven’s sake – those are not easy people to be, no matter what social media would want you to believe.

And yet…in this science fiction world, they are treated more realistically than the men in the “realistic” Grace and Frankie. They are allowed to be whole characters. And yes, they screw up and they hurt people and they make mistakes. But they are not cookie cutter Bad Guys. They are well-rounded, nuanced characters that we feel for and root for and come to care about. They are the kind of representation that matters.

So, I highly recommend Sense8. It makes for a great binge night or two. As for Grace and Frankie – if you choose to watch it, do so knowing the first episode is tough. If you make it through more, I’d love to know what you think. As for me, I think I’ll stick to well-developed characters and leave the stock bad guys to someone else.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you – and each other.

July 1, 2015

I’m going to do it, Poppets. I’m going to talk about Caitlyn Jenner. I swore I wasn’t – but I am.

First and foremost, good for you, Caitlyn! Well done and congratulations. To finally live as one’s true, authentic self is a gift so many people are never able to achieve.

I am thrilled, almost beyond words, for her.

I, also, have two random thoughts in my head about some of the responses I’ve heard to Caitlyn’s journey:

1. Since we embrace Caitlyn, society will embrace all transgender women and men. I love this idea. I love this ideal. And many, many people have indeed embraced Caitlyn (and Laverne, and Janet, and Chaz…) but many more have not. Think the LGBTQ community is above it? Think again. I was sitting with a man I know – who happens to be gay – and a friend of his – who happens to be a lesbian – and Caitlyn came up in conversation. He shuddered as he explained that he “doesn’t get it…(he) just doesn’t get it.” She, on the other hand, had this to say: “Oh, I get it. It’s just disgusting.” That’s the hate within our own community, Poppets.  Don’t dare judge someone for not coming out, for not transitioning, when we can’t even support them.

2. If we embrace Caitlyn, society will embrace transgender women and men, even those who don’t pass. I love this idea. This ideal. Caitlyn is a naturally attractive person. That was part of the original allure back in the 70s during the Olympics. That was damn fine photogenic athlete. Trust and believe, Wheaties wouldn’t have put an ugly person on their boxes. Plus, Caitlyn has money, which means she can afford surgeries that help this specific aspect of her transition move forward even more smoothly. And let’s be completely honest – she’s gorgeous. The painful truth, though, is that society doesn’t embrace any women who aren’t deemed beautiful. Just as Wheaties wouldn’t have put an unattractive man on their boxes, Vogue would not have put an unattractive woman on their cover, no matter the reason. Do not ~ not, not, not ~ dare to judge someone who doesn’t pass, who considers themselves unattractive as their true gender, who chooses not to transition. Yes, we as a society are mean to all unattractive women. When we’re willing to throw “you look like a man” at cis-gendered women as an insult, we don’t get to then ask our trans-sisters to take the heat.

On the one hand, society is embracing beautiful, articulate, passing transgender men and women. I’m not sure this has ever happened before. On the other hand, there have already been nine transgender women murdered in 2015 alone. We all know Caitlyn’s name (and Laverne, and Janet, and Chaz), but how many of us know theirs*?

It is a better time to be transgendered than ever before. I, of all people, will never refute that. But “better” still doesn’t mean “good” or “safe.” 

And those are my random thoughts.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you – and each other.

*London Kiki Chanel (Philadelphia), Kristina Gomez Reinwald (Miami), Penny Proud (New Orleans), Taja DeJesus (San Francisco), Yazmin Vash Payne (Los Angeles), Ty Underwood (North Tyler, Texas), Lamia Beard (Norfolk, Virginia), and Mercedes Williamson (George County, Mississippi)