The Life and Times of Bridget Adams

January 2012

2012-01-01T17:48:00.000-08:00

As you know, Poppets, I frequently write my way down the coast, hitting Seattle, Portland, and, at least once, California. I’ve even headed all the way south to Mexico and east to tell you about events happening in New England. For some reason, though, I’ve never gone just east to Spokane. It wasn’t intentional; it just…didn’t happen. Too far, too under the radar. Who knows?

Then Dempsey’s, that Spokane institution, closed back in November and I’d never once reminded you about their drinks, their music, or their drag shows. It was a good, if startling, reminder that even our institutions can go under if we’re not vigilant. Admittedly, I don’t know why Dempsey’s closed. Reports are inconsistent and I’m not going to speculate. What I do know is it’s gone.

Not wanting to make that same mistake again, I’m using this month to tell you about Hollyrock, a new club in Spokane Valley. Is it further than Seattle or Portland? Sure. But it’s a damn site closer than California, Mexico or Boston, so why not, right? Plus, the place sounds really great.

Part gathering place, part community outreach, Hollyrock is more concerned with being a safe place for everyone, than making its owner wealthy. From 4:00 pm, when it opens, until 9:00 pm, teens 16 and older are allowed – and encouraged - to come, hang out, have a place to get away from the daily grind, and just be. This would be enough to make me love the place, if it was all Hollyrock offered (you know my soft spot for teenagers, Poppets), but it’s not.

The owner, Robin Tuttle, is aiming for a totally inclusive environment, rather than just being another gay club. LGBTQs, their allies, and straight folks are all equally welcomed, equally wanted. The food is a step or three above typical bar fare, making it an actual restaurant, instead of just a place to grab something greasy to help balance the booze. Many of the drag performers who kept Dempsey’s hopping have made the move to Hollyrock, as well, so you know the quality of talent is there.

It’s a new venture, during a time when new ventures are risky. And, sure, it’s a little out of the way, but what better way to shake off the post-holiday blahs than a weekend away, supporting an exciting new venture? I can’t think of much. So hang with Betty at Rumors on Wednesday, and then make a run to Spokane and check out Hollyrock on the weekend. They’re open seven days a week, 4 pm-2 am, at 20 N. Raymond, Spokane Valley, WA 99206. For more information, give them a call: 509-413-2793.

It’s a new year, Poppets. Let’s have an adventure or two, starting in Spokane. Until next month, take care of you.

December 2011

2011-12-01T08:54:00.000-08:00

You know one of the (admittedly, many) things that makes me crazy, Poppets? Not getting closure. It’s right up there with people who go the speed limit in the passing lane and even above people who put spoilers in comments without giving fair warning. Yep, getting closure is important to me. So, imagine my relief when Shawn Harris agreed to a follow-up interview with me. To remind you, Shawn is the playwright behind Tulpa or Anne&Me that I spoke with back in May. BUT! We spoke before the show went up at the Planet Connections Theatre Festivity. Which meant, I really needed to know how it went and what happens next. Luckily, she was willing to fill me in…

Bridget Adams (BA): The very first question I have to ask is: How did last summer’s
performances go?

Shawn Harris (SH): Planet Connections went very well! We had great performances, and the show got a couple of nominations for awards. Attendance was solid considering when we had to perform. The thing about festivals is that you don't get your choice of performance slots, so you make the best of what's available. Our last 2 shows nearly sold out, though! I'm very happy about how things turned out.

But more than that, people were interested and engaged with what they saw, so in that regard it was a phenomenal success.

BA: At the time, I said I believed the goal to be to create an honest dialogue around race and racism and asked if you thought Tulpa was succeeding. You said you thought it was too soon to say. How about now?

SH: Right. Now that I've been able to observe people's reactions to the play, I think it does do that.

One of the great things about theatre is that it's a lot like a thrill ride. You can go along with the action without putting yourself at risk. For many of us, we don't know how we'd handle the situations raised in Tulpa until we suddenly find ourselves face-to-face with
them. While we can learn from these experiences, the cost of that is often a lot of pain, both inflicted and endured. It's a lot like talking about "a friend of mine" who has a problem. Only in this case they're live human beings doing human things.

At the same time, the distance allows people to examine these events more closely to get a better understanding of how they work. This is in no small part due to the facilitation of the Anti-Racist Alliance's women of color group (via the People's Institute for Survival and Beyond), who were able to combine a personal approach with anti-racist
analysis.

BA: Is an honest dialogue about race still something you want to accomplish with Tulpa?

SH: Yes. The purpose of that goal has changed, though. One of the reasons why the post-performance discussion was so valuable was that it showed Tulpa's potential to not only initiate these dialogues but to facilitate and sustain them. Looking at how much substance audience members brought to these discussions showed me that there was a lot more that Tulpa could do. Honest dialogue is no longer an end in itself, but a required component of a larger mission. We often say that dialogue is important to improve understanding, but I soon realize that my deeper wish is for people to act on that understanding.

Because of this, one of the long-term goals that has emerged is a practical way to combine making theatre with social justice and community organizing. Making theatre and community organizing have a lot in common. In both cases, you're bringing people together with wildly different temperaments, skills, motives, interests, and so on in order to create or change something. Both theatre and community organizing face similar dilemmas, especially when it comes to doing a big job with few resources.

So, I'm looking at ways in which we can use theatre to help promote social justice while at the same time applying social justice principles to making theatre. Does that make sense?

BA: It makes perfect sense to me. How much has the main character being a Queer woman, as well as Black woman, entered into discussions and/or people’s response?

SH: Honestly, not that much. But when talking with queer women of color, it does come up more often. It's one of those situations where queer find the play REALLY queer while it goes way over the heads of straight cis people. It's not about in-jokes or anything like that, but generally how the characters understand themselves and relate to each other.

BA: What’s going on with Tulpa now? With such a great response, I hope it has a future…

SH: I'd been interested in another performance for a while, but not it looks like there is an opportunity for more performances in mid-to late April. Because of the energy and insight generated at the post-performance discussions, I'm also looking for ways to turn Tulpa, or Anne&Me into a workshop or seminar that can tour in different cities. I'm also working with someone to develop a seminar or workshop using Tulpa as a keystone piece through which we can learn about and examine anti-racist concepts. I have my work cut out for me, but it's work that really means something to me and the people who've been touched by Tulpa, so I don't mind.

Right at this moment, though, I'm putting together a fundraising campaign for the 2012 production of Tulpa, or Anne&Me. I'm trying to raise $3000.00 which will go toward rehearsal space, marketing/publicity/advertising, copies of scripts, props and costumes, tech and design, and -- most importantly -- small stipends for the cast and crew.

BA: What happens once you get the $3,000.00?

SH: I'm gearing up for a mid- to late April performance here in NYC. As with any project, that depends on how things work out. Right now the main thing is raising money, so I'm putting together a volunteer fundraising team to help with that. After that, I have to hire a cast and crew, book rehearsal space, and so on.

BA: Will it be exactly the same show, or will you make some changes?

SH: Every time I do a show there are changes. I tweak the script, try working with different people, approaching the process differently. I'm very much like a scientist conducting experiments and using what I observe to make my work more interesting, more meaningful, more theatrical, and so on.

BA: What is next for you, as a playwright?

SH: I'm currently working on a script I want to have a complete draft of for NaNoWriMo. (Note from BA: NaNoWriMo is short for “National Novel Writing Month”, an event that takes place every fall to challenge writers to write a whole novel and/or 50,000 words in the month of November and no, Poppets, I’m not participating.) It's a straight-up fantasy about the human slaves who discover lost secrets of magic and use them to rise up against their elven masters. The story is a lot less personal than Tulpa, and I look forward to finishing a draft.

BA: Good luck with the fantasy script and with NaNoWriMo! Finally, Shawn, supporting LGBTQ projects and voices is very important to Betty Pages readers. Where do they go if they want to donate or get more information?

SH: Online, they can go to https://www.fracturedatlas.org/donate/3503. Or they can always email me at whoisyourtulpa@gmail.com.

(Or, my internet-only readers, you can click here.)

And there you have it, Poppets, a little bit of closure for all of us at the end of the year. Feels good, doesn’t it? Yeah, I thought so, too.

Until next month, Poppets, have a safe and happy holiday season whatever you’re celebrating, don’t forget to call a cab, and, as always, take care of you.

November 2011

2011-11-01T12:41:00.000-07:00

If you have read this column for any length of time, you may have realized I can be *ahem* a little political. I know, Poppets, it’s a shock. For the most part, this is a good thing. The one problem I have found with being political, though, is it can also make you angry. I can tell you almost every setback, almost every hurdle we face. Hell, I have told you. I’m a little political, after all. There’s a bumper sticker that reads If You’re Not Enraged, You’re Not Paying Attention. Yep. I get it.

But I also get there is a lot of anger in this world already. For me, adding my anger to the mix isn’t always helpful. Often, it’s pointless, at best, and counterproductive, at worst. I mean, isn’t the whole point of being aware, of paying attention, of being a little political is to make things better?

So, in this month of Thanksgiving, instead of railing – although you know I could – I offer you this list of political advances we have made, and for which I am thankful. President Barack Obama has…

Signed the Matthew Shepard and James Byrd, Jr. Hate Crimes Prevention Act, which expanded existing United States federal hate crime law to include crimes motivated by a victim’s actual or perceived gender, sexual orientation, gender identity, or disability -- the first positive federal LGBT legislation in the nation's history

Repealed Don't Ask/Don't Tell

Signed the Ryan White HIV/AIDS Treatment Extension Act

Reversed US refusal to sign the UN Declaration on Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity

Extended benefits to same-sex partners of federal employees in 2009 and, further, in 2010

Lifted the HIV Entry Ban

Issued diplomatic passports, and provided other benefits, to the partners of same-sex foreign service employees

Committed to ensuring that federal housing programs are open to all, regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity

Conceived a National Resource Center for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Elders -- the nation's first ever -- funded by a three-year HHS grant to SAG

Banned job discrimination based on gender identity throughout the Federal government (the nation's largest employer)

Eliminated the discriminatory Census Bureau policy that kept our relationships from being counted, encouraging couples who consider themselves married to file that way, even if their state of residence does not yet permit legal marriage

Instructed HHS to require any hospital receiving Medicare or Medicaid funds (virtually all hospitals) to allow LGBT visitation rights

Required all grant applicants seeking HUD funding to comply with state and local anti-discrimination laws that protect LGBT individuals

Adopted transgender recommendations on the issuance of gender-appropriate passports that will ease barriers to safe travel and that will provide government-issued ID that avoids involuntary "outing" in situations requiring ID, like hiring, where a gender-appropriate driver's license or birth certificate is not available

Extended domestic violence protections to LGBT victims

Extended the Family and Medical Leave Act to cover employees taking unpaid leave to care for the children of same-sex partners

Issued guidance specifically to assist LGBT tenants denied housing on the basis of sexual orientation or gender identity

Issued a National HIV/AIDS Strategy praised as "long-overdue" by the Task Force, Lambda and others

Issued guidance to 15,000 local departments of education and 5,000 colleges to support educators in combating bullying

Cut back authority to discharge under Don't Ask/Don't Tell from hundreds of generals to just 6 civilian appointees, effectively ending discharges while working toward a permanent end to the policy.

Led the fight that reversed a 2010 UN vote removing sexual orientation from the list of things people should not be killed for

Launched the first-ever national study of discrimination against members of the LGBT community in the rental and sale of housing

Determined that Section 3 of DOMA is unconstitutional

Determined that LGBT discrimination should be subject to a standard of "heightened scrutiny"

Stopped defending DOMA, leading to "dramatic changes across the country and the federal government in the way that lawyers and judges see legal challenges brought by LGBT people - and, slowly but surely, in the way that LGBT people are able to live their lives"

Filed an unprecedented brief detailing the history of discrimination faced by gay, lesbian and bisexual people in America, including by the federal government itself -- the single most persuasive legal argument ever advanced by the United States government in support of equality for lesbian, gay and bisexual people

Vacated a court order that would have deported a gay American's Venezuelan partner

Begun recognizing joint bankruptcy petitions filed by same-sex married couples

Endorsed the Respect for Marriage Act

Reduced the deportation threat faced by binational LGBT couples

Authorized military chaplains to perform same-sex weddings on or off military bases

Endorsed the Baldwin-Lieberman bill, The Domestic Partnership Benefits and Obligations Act of 2009, to provide FULL partnership benefits to federal employees

Released the first Presidential PRIDE proclamations since 2000

Hosted the first LGBT Pride Month Celebration in White House history

Awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom to Harvey Milk and Billie Jean King, joining past recipients such as Rosa Parks

Appointed the first ever transgender DNC member

Testified in favor of ENDA, the first time any official of any administration has testified in the Senate on ENDA

Hired more openly LGBT officials (like these) in its first two years -- more than 150, including more than 20 "Senate-confirmables" -- than any previous administration hired in four years or eight

Sworn in Ambassador David Huebner

Changed the culture of government everywhere from – among others – HUD and HHS to the Export-Import Bank, the State Department, and the Department of Education

Appointed Justices Sonia Sotomayor and Elena Kagan, instead of conservatives who would have tilted the Court even further to the right and virtually doomed our rights for a generation.

Named open transgender appointees (the first President ever to do so)

Emphasized LGBT inclusion in everything from the President’s historic NAACP address. . . to the first paragraph of his Family Day proclamation and his Mothers Day proclamation . . . to creating the chance for an adorable 10-year-old at the White House Easter Egg roll to tell ABC World News how cool it is to have two mommies . . . to including the chair of the National Gay and Lesbian Chamber of Commerce along with the Secretary of the Treasury and the President of Goldman Sachs in the small audience for the President’s economic address at the New York Stock Exchange . . . to welcoming four gay couples to its first State Dinner

Recommitted, in a televised address, to passing ENDA . . . repealing Don’t Ask/Don’t Tell . . . repealing the so-called Defense of Marriage Act

Spoken out against discrimination at the National Prayer Breakfast

Dispatched the Secretary of Defense and the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff to call on the Senate to repeal Don't Ask / Don't Tell

Launched a website to gather public comment on first-ever federal LGBT housing discrimination study

Appointed long-time equality champion Chai Feldblum one of the four Commissioners of the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission

Produced U.S. Census Bureau PSAs featuring gay, lesbian, and transgender spokespersons

Appointed Retired Colonel Margarethe Cammermeyer, an early public champion of open service in the military, to the Defense Advisory Committee on Women in the Services

Publicly invited the shunned Mississippi high school prom student to the White House

Successfully fought for UN accreditation of IGLHRC (the International Gay & Lesbian Human Rights Commission) -- against Republican attempts to block it

Convened the first-ever anti-bullying summit to craft a national strategy to reduce bullying in schools

Launched stopbullying.gov

Awarded $13.3 million to the LA Gay & Lesbian Center to create a model program for LGBTQ youth in the foster care system

Tweeted to 5.7 million BarackObama followers and nearly 2 million WhiteHouse followers the President's "It Gets Better" video

Embraced that campaign with heartfelt messages from, as well, the Vice President, the Secretary of State, the Secretary of Agriculture (aimed particularly at rural youth), the Secretaries of Education and Health & Human Services, the Secretary of Labor (in English and Spanish), the Director of OPM and LGBT members of the White House staff

Issued a Department of Justice video urging kids to call a Justice Department toll-free number if their school is aware of bullying but taking no action

Held the first ever White House conference on bullying prevention, led by the President and First Lady

Hosted first-ever White House transgender policy meeting

Emphasized the positive value of Gay-straight Student Alliances (GSAs) and advised the nation's school districts of their legal responsibility to allow establishment of GSAs

Appointed the first openly gay man to serve on the federal bench

Nominated the first open lesbian US attorney

Nominated the first openly gay US attorney to serve Texas

Forced the Tehachipi Unified School District to prevent and respond to gender-based harassment

Acknowledged in federal court the U.S. government's "significant and regrettable role" in discrimination in America against gays and lesbians, arguing that DOMA is unconstitutional.

Appointed open lesbian activist to West Point advisory board

Used the President's annual United Nations address to say, "no country should deny people their rights because of who they love, which is why we must stand up for the rights of gays and lesbians everywhere."

Presented Janice Langbehn with the Presidential Citizens Award for her role in securing hospital visitation rights

~ compiled by Andrew Tobias, originally posted on www.eQualityGiving.org

Are there still issues? Please. Let’s not insult any of our intelligences by pretending otherwise – or even pretending everything the President said he would do has been done. And yes, we still have to stay aware of those things. But let’s stay aware of these things, as well. Sometimes, being political can mean knowing what to be thankful for.

October 2011

2011-10-02T12:58:00.000-07:00

I know, Poppets, I know. Every October, it’s the same thing from me. I’m a broken record. But every October, it’s still Domestic Violence Awareness month. When it no longer needs to be, I’ll write about something else. Until then, I’m going to keep writing about it and trying to break down some of the stigma that goes along with admitting a relationship is unhealthy.

While you know I care about this issue every year, 2011 has been especially poignant for me. Back in January, two dear friends of mine recognized their relationships were abusive. What made it so difficult for both of them is neither was in a physically abusive relationship. Name calling, manipulation, belittling, psychological warfare, sure. But no hitting, no pushing, nothing that would have drawn that definitive line in the sand for either of my friends.

The other thing that made it so hard for both of them was neither of them is a person who is “supposed” to be in an abusive relationship. You know what I mean. We all have this idea of who a victim is, of who an abuser is. Neither of my friends fit that idea. The first one is an Alpha male, by any definition. Physically, mentally and emotionally strong; highly educated, with several degrees on his wall; a college professor type, along the lines of Rupert Giles, of Buffy fame. Not exactly your stereotypical victim.

The other is a woman, also well educated, from a strong, loving home. Her husband is an ordained minister. Not a stereotypical victim, but not your stereotypical abuser, either.

And that’s the way this works: we think we are immune because we aren’t a certain type; our abuser isn’t “one of those people;” we’re Queer, for God’s sake! Domestic violence is a straight problem. Only it’s not; neither of my friends mentioned here are straight. There is no “type.” There is no exempt community or group. There but for the grace of God, and all that. Which is why we must keep talking about it, writing about it, shining the light on it.

That’s where a couple really great organizations come in. Down in Seattle, the NW Network is an LGBT centered organization dealing with Queer and Transgendered domestic violence issues by working “to end violence and abuse by building loving and equitable relationships in our community and across the country.” To get help, offer help, or just to learn more, you can reach them Monday through Friday at 206/568-7777. Closer to home, the Skagit County Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Services is officially an LGBT safe zone. They offer a 24-hour hotline: 888/336-9591. Finally, the Washington state domestic violence hotline is available 24-hours a day, as well, at 800/562-6025, and its staff is trained to address the needs of our community.

It’s not easy to admit your partner is hurting you. Victims leave their abusers seven times on average, before it finally sticks. But you do not deserve to be belittled or threatened or hurt. And your batterer doesn’t deserve your protection. Neither of you can get better until the violence stops.

As for my friends? I’m pleased to report he got out. Blocked his phone, went to the police, did what he had to do to move on. She…well…I still have hope. I still have hope that one day she’ll leave him for good. Until then, until those of us who love you don’t have to worry any longer, I’ll keep writing, keep working, keep hoping. Broken record or not.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

September 2011

2011-09-01T16:57:00.000-07:00

Rejoice, Poppets! One of the greatest controversies of out time has been laid to rest: Bert and Ernie are not gay! I know; this has been keeping you up nights. Me, too!

Or not. However, the issue has been put to rest. With the legalization of same sex marriage in New York, an online petition was launched demanding Bert and Ernie be married on Sesame Street.

Personally, I think children’s shows should start addressing non-traditional families. Hell yes. Children need to learn that their families, and their friends’ families, are valid and valued, regardless of make-up. Given my deep and long-standing love and respect for Sesame Street, I hope they are the ones to do it. The human beings in charge of the show, however, have made the official announcement that, if they address the issue of LGBT families, it won’t be through Bert and Ernie. Because they aren’t gay.

I’m okay with this. Not because I think kids’ shows should be sexless; I don’t. We deal with mommies having babies and mommies and daddies becoming parents, as appropriate. Not that I think puppet characters can’t be sexual; I don’t. Kermit and Miss Piggy have had a thing for years – as have Gonzo and the chickens, which is far weirder than two gay Muppets, in my opinion. No, I’m okay with this because I do believe boys need to be taught that it is okay for them to have deep, meaningful, emotional, platonic relationships with other boys. We were kind of, sort of taught this in the ‘70s – I remember because I was there, learning it – but we lost sight of it somewhere along the line. We are back to needing to teach boys it’s okay to love other boys, regardless of orientation. Bert and Ernie are good for that.

So Muppets, gay or straight, aren’t the issue I have here. The issue I have is with the petition itself. The fight for recognition and equality and the petition that gets all the attention is about Muppets? If you believe same sex marriage is a major milestone within the community or if you believe it is a distraction from bigger problems, you have to wonder about this. Okay, maybe you don’t. I do, though.

If we’re going to be discussing same sex marriage, let’s talk about it the context of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell (DADT). Because even once DADT is repealed later this month, the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) still stands and because of DOMA gay partners of gay soldiers don’t get the same benefits as their straight counterparts. No, they don’t have to hide any longer. The partner just doesn’t officially exist. No legal standing, no i.d., no benefits, no housing or commissary access.

Sure, the repeal of DADT is new and all the details haven’t been worked out yet, but DADT ends this month. There are still military families in limbo, in half-space, because without DADT they exist – but with DOMA, they don’t exist.

If we’re going to talk about same sex marriage, why aren’t we talking about this? Why aren’t we yelling about this? Why are we focusing on a couple of puppets?

Again, I love those puppets. I know first hand how important Sesame Street and the Muppets are. But come on. If we’re going to have the dialogue, let’s make it matter.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

August 2011

2011-08-04T10:21:00.000-07:00

Hi Poppets! This month, I was a little crazy and making the move from Anchorage, Alaska to New Orleans, Louisiana at the time the article was due. While this relocation should make for some really great articles on the one hand, on the other, it made for sucky timing this month. Instead of a new article, we did a reprint. However, it seems my timing is good. From what I'm reading online and hearing within the community, this issue (which never goes away completely) has reared its ugly head yet again. New stuff next month, I promise! Until then, Poppets, take care of you.

Hi Poppets! I have a news flash: Gay men aren’t a fashion accessory. This should be obvious but apparently, for some straight women, it’s not. Now, in the interest of full disclosure, I need to tell you I am a fag hag to my dear friend, Rob, back in Massachusetts and I wear the title of fag diva proudly for my friend, Don, down in Florida. Here’s the thing though: we worked on our relationships. First and foremost, we are friends. The labels are secondary and partly tongue in cheek. And I have many gay friends with whom it wouldn’t dawn on either of us to use the term at all.

There is a debate around the term “fag hag” – is it derogatory, is it complimentary, is it a way of life or single relationship? Its very definition is in question. Regardless of how anyone answers those questions though, my issue is the same. Somewhere along the line, a gay friend has become a favored trophy for a straight girl. And I have a problem with that.

A friend of mine recently had to change his email address and shut down his blog because of a cyber stalker. Her justification was that she was a fag hag so it was all okay. He was supposed to ignore the numerous, lengthy, needy emails that flooded his inbox daily. Ignore her sending mail to his place of business addressed to “My Pickle.” Pretend she wasn’t looking for instant intimacy simply because she was a fag hag. Ummm…no.

There are numerous web sites that women can join proclaiming their fag hag status. Most of my gay friends have at least one horror story of being approached at parties or bars by near strangers asking to be, in essence, instant best friends. Sure, we all have communities where we feel more comfortable than in others. Sometimes, that’s the LGBT community for straight women. I get this. Trust me. But, ladies, just because you are comfortable there doesn’t guarantee every man in the room wants to help you shop, dry your tears or pour out his soul while you eat ice cream tomorrow night.

If you consider being a fag hag a title for a single relationship, the way I do, or if you consider it a way of life, it still requires the agreement, consent and affection of the other person. You have to be friends first. You have to get to know him as a person, not as a token. And save the unrequited crushes for movie stars, please. A gay friend isn’t the way to avoid intimacy, isn’t a surrogate boyfriend, isn’t going to love you the moment you walk into his life just because you walked into his life. If that’s what you want, get a dog. Seriously.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

July 1, 2011

2011-07-01T13:40:00.000-07:00

Oooo! Poppets, I’ve started a trend! Back in May, I was lucky enough to interview a strong LGBTQ voice, Shawn Harris. This month, it’s Dennis R. Upkins, author of Hollowstone, social justice advocate, and really cool all-around guy.

Bridget Adams (BA): First and foremost, what’s Hollowstone about?

Dennis R. Upkins (DRU): Hollowstone is the story of Noah Scott whose changes drastically when he is accepted to Hollowstone Academy, one of the most prestigious boarding schools in the country set in the mountains of Eastern Tennessee. Within the hallowed halls of the illustrious school, Noah soon discovers that the world of the privileged is rife with social hierarchies, politics, depravity and corruption. It is also there that Noah meets his roommate and best friend, the charming and enigmatic Caleb Warner.

Tragedy soon strikes when Cal is brutally murdered in a hold-up. But when Noah is haunted by Cal’s ghost, he soon discovers that the random act of violence was in fact a premeditated one. Determined to uncover the truth and find Cal’s killer, Noah soon finds that the school and its patrons have more than their share of secrets. Secrets they are willing to preserve at any cost. Noah also quickly learns that greater supernatural forces are at play. In a race against time, Noah must solve Cal’s murder before he’s the killer’s next victim.

BA: What made you decide to write black and gay protagonists?

DRU: Being a double minority myself, I'm a firm believer in showcasing diversity, in a natural, honest, and respectful manner. And I've done it for so many years, now it's not even really a conscious decision. It's just second nature to me.

Some people may ask, why include marginalized characters? I ask, why not?

When it comes to people, straight white able-bodied middle class male is not the default. So for me it's not brain surgery or rocket science to have marginalized characters as the leads in a story.

BA: What challenges do your characters face as both Black youth and gay youth that may not be understood?

DRU: With Noah being the narrator, I think this is a chance for many white readers to get a glimpse of what it's like to be a person of color in the U.S. He's constantly on the receiving end of racial slurs (and I'm not even talking about the infamous "N-Word") and other racist harassment. We're talking about everything Confederate flags waving prominently throughout the town of Newton, to racial profiling by police officers. People are shocked when they learn that Noah is 1) at the school on an academic scholarship and not an athletic scholarship and not because of affirmative action. 2) he grew up in the suburbs and wasn't from the hood 3) that he speaks so well. And let's not forget the racist insults by classmates (I think he got called a house slave at one point), not to mention when two white female classmates clutched their purses (and the proverbial pearls) when he passed them in the lawn because they thought he was going to rob them in broad daylight.

Many people still have this failed mindset that blacks and other POCs (People of Color) are still on the receiving end of racism because they bring it on themselves because they can't get their acts together. And yet here we have Noah, who is a mild-mannered student. A gifted violinist, he makes straight-A's and is a devout Catholic. In fact, Cal's nickname for him is Altar Boy. And yet he's still catching this much bigotry.

Many whites believe that as long as they aren't burning a cross, wearing a white sheet, or screaming white power with a swastika branded on them, then they aren't "real" racists like the really bad white people. I think seeing the hardships that Noah, and for that matter Cassidy, endures will illustrate that it's the everyday racism from everyday white people that is even more destructive and more pervasive in our society than many whites may realize.

As for the three LGBT characters - Ryan, Neely, another character who comes out in the story - the audience learns why it rarely gets better for queer people, especially in the telling of Ryan’s experiences. His story is a painful and sobering reminder of the abuse and hatred that gay teens face in high schools. And to be clear, Ryan is not an effeminate character, he's not flamboyant, he's not emo, he's not "flaunting his sexual preference," he's not trying to "push an agenda." He's simply a nice quiet kid who spends every waking moment apologizing for his existence and trying to blend into the background so he's left alone and that's not enough for his tormenters. Because the truth is, some people won't be happy until LGBTQs are dead. Ryan is also a cautionary tale why one should be careful about who they bully and that contrary to popular opinion, gay people do in fact fight back. Because when he's pushed when he's pushed too far, Ryan stops apologizing once and for all and takes his power back in a most spectacular manner.

I think one of the things that has surprised me about Hollowstone is how popular Neely has been as a character. I knew Cal would be popular, and I expected Noah to have some fans, but Neely has really struck a chord with a lot of readers and the common sentiment I continue to hear is that it's rare to find powerful bisexual characters who are portrayed in such a positive manner.

BA: This book has to be special to you simply because it is your first novel. I would imagine, though, that it resonates even more deeply for personal reasons. What does this story mean to you on that level?

DRU: I've joked many times with friends that Hollowstone is probably about as close to an auto-biography as I'll ever write. A good 80 percent of the novel is based on firsthand experiences. More than that, I think Hollowstone provides a critique on society by raising a mirror and calling out a lot of the injustices that plague society. The novel doesn't presume to have the answers and in fact it presents none. But I do think it's a candid look at our culture. Keeping that in mind, this would constitute that "Great American Novel" that most people dream about writing and few people actually do.

But more than that, I get to share this story with other people and that in itself has been a reward.

BA: Why do you think it is so rare to find LGBTQ characters in mainstream fiction?

DRU: I think the reason is obvious. Let's just keep it real. I think the reason it's so rare to find LGBTQ characters in mainstream fiction is for the same reason you rarely find POCs in mainstream fiction and the same reason why works by black authors are always shuffled off to the African-American section whether the genre of their work is sci-fi, fantasy, gay fiction, etc.

The publishing industry is a very bigoted one. Whitewashing book covers with POC protagonists is still the norm and this was the same BS that was done to album covers of black musicians during the 50s to make it more comfortable for white audiences to listen to "Negro music."

Let's also not forget that it was only two-months ago that a New York Times bestselling author was ordered to change her short story (which featured a gay pairing) into a heterosexual couple for an anthology. We also saw the fallout which occurred when the homophobia in the industry was called out.

You know art is supposed to be progressive and forward-thinking. It's supposed to enlighten society and challenge us to evolve and it's unsettling to see that seems to be less and less the case.

BA: What are the problems you see, as an author and as a reader, with most of the LGBTQ characters that are out there these days?

DRU: We're usually minor characters or sidekicks. And that's the best case scenario. More often than not, we're reduced to offensive stereotypes and caricatures. Degrading props to illustrate how and why cis straight people are so superior to us. Believe it or not. Not every gay man is effeminate, flamboyant and aspiring to new levels of "fabulous." Not every gay men is aspiring to be some honorary woman or to be a straight woman's fashion accessory.

Many of us are in fact masculine. Many of us are athletes, soldiers, and confident in who we are. Many of us know squat about design or fashion and couldn't care less. The only difference between us and our straight brethren is that we simply happen to be attracted to other men.

Believe it or not, most lesbians aren't militant, emasculating man-haters. Most of them are simply down to earth women who happen to love other women.

And with the exception of an elite few, I generally don't read gay fiction written by women for the same I reason I generally don't read works "tackling racism" that are written by white writers, for the same reason I surmise that many queer women don't read works depicting their sexuality from straight men.

In the case of many women writing gay fiction, it's heterosexism at play. Too often it's usually privileged women who are using a marginalized group as avatars to write out their fantasies. Because honestly many of these stories are as offensive to queer men as stories depicting queer women written by sexist straight men with a lesbian fetish.

The universal thread there: the writers are usually coming from a place of privilege who couldn't be bothered to do any actual research or garner any actual facts. Many of these privileged writers usually have a not-so-veiled agenda attached.

And while I would love to support more gay writers, a lot of the work I've been coming across is disheartening as well. A lot of the narratives are whiny, pretentious and indulgent and textbook cliches. The stories and the writing is horrid and I'm just wondering, how does this stuff get published?

As LGBTQs, we come in all ranges from all walks of life. We're more than our orientations just like cis-straight people but it's funny how that never gets explored. And the fact that I often have to find myself still arguing over this with people in the 21st century is quite disturbing in itself.

BA: Finally, where can we buy the book?

DRU: Hollowstone is available on Amazon in both print and Kindle. It's also available in other ebook formats on parker-Publishing.com. And if you need any other information, you can hit me up at http://dennisupkins.com.

And hit him up you should, Poppets. Hollowstone is a really excellent read, especially for LGBTQ and questioning youth – okay, really for anybody, but you know my soft spot for teens. Upkins is an even more excellent voice and one that needs to be heard. By as many people as possible. So read a book this month, and until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

June 2011

2011-06-01T13:13:00.000-07:00

It’s that time of year again, Poppets: Pride! You know I love Pride and this year is no different. You can find great events all over the area, including right here in Bellingham. However, since you can find these great events, rather than give you a laundry list – no matter how well written or humorous a laundry list – we’re talking about pride, with a lower-case ‘p’. If you need it, I recommend going here and here.

Now…pride. For every one of us who celebrates Pride, there is at least one who doesn’t. Who takes no pride in being part of our community. Gay men, lesbians, queers, transgendered people, bisexual men and women – people who should be able to take pride, who should feel a part of the LGBTQ community. After all, that’s what the word community means. Yet they feel no pride, so why celebrate Pride?

It would be easy to say they need to get over themselves; to lay it at their feet. It would be easy and, goodness knows, it would be more convenient. If it is their fault, their problem, then we don’t have to look at how we might have contributed to these feelings. After all, no one is responsible for our feelings but ourselves; no one can make you feel inadequate without your permission. Blah, blah, blah. We know all the catch phrases. Honestly, I’m even a fan of these phrases. I believe them to be true.

I also believe the overuse of these catch phrases is a cop-out. We use them to be able to insult people, to be cruel, to be dismissive, all while being able to blame the very person we have just tried to hurt if they actually get hurt by the fact that we have just tried to hurt them. How is that even logical?

But, what does this have to do with Pride or even with us? Because there is a hierarchy within our community. We like to pretend there isn’t. We like to pretend that, as an oppressed group, we come together in unity. We like to pretend we are a united front against those with straight privilege. Sadly, if you talk to more than a handful of bisexual people, you will discover this isn’t the case. If you talk to gays and lesbians of color, you will discover racism is as rampant among us as it is within the straight community. If you get to know transgendered people – do you even know a transgendered person? – you will hear stories of his or her “community” being as judgmental as the cis-world.

You don’t want this to be true. I don’t want this to be true. But as adults, we know that wanting something to be different doesn’t automatically make it so. We have to work to change it. I think Pride would be a good time to start or continue that work. Recognize where you have privilege, because most of us carry it somewhere. Watch your humor and your jokes. If someone doesn’t think you’re funny, let that be about you, not about them. Admit that yes, even as the focus of bigotry, we can still be bigoted. Don’t use politically correct words just because you know them; really think about why they are important and change the way you think, not just the way you speak.

If we can start here, with Pride, with ourselves, maybe we can open the community to pride. It’s worth a shot.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you – and each other.

May 2011

2011-05-01T15:46:00.000-07:00

* Note: Updated performance dates in the comments section!*

One of my favorite aspects of writing for The Betty Pages is getting to find all the events that are going on within the community. Since leaving Boston, that usually means what’s happening in the Pacific Northwest, but every now and then, something on the east coast catches my eye and I have to share it with you. This month is one of those times. Because really, this is good, Poppets.

Last year, I learned about a hot, new playwright, Shawn C. Harris. Shawn is a triple minority – Black, female, and queer – so I was particularly interested in hearing her voice. Fingers crossed, hoping it wouldn’t suck, I read her play, Tulpa or Anne&Me. Oh my God. This was so far beyond simply not sucking.

Tulpa is truly breathtaking. In a raw, honest way, she explores the relationship between two women as they deal with and explore how race affects them as they move from strangers to lovers to possibly friends. Her ability to acknowledge that which unites us as women, and yet push us to face the systemic racism that divides us is rare and valuable.

Since the staged reading of it last year, Tulpa has taken off – and rightly so. Instead of simply passing away into obscurity as so often happens with the work of people of color or members of the LGBTQ community, the show is a featured stage production of the Planet Connections Theatre Festivity 2011 on June 19th in New York City (866-811-4111 for tickets if you or anyone you know is going to be in the area). Yep, Shawn’s gone big-time! So, imagine my delight and surprise when she and her director/co-producer Sara Lyons, agreed to do an interview with me (and told me to call them by their first names, nonetheless).

Bridget Adams (BA): The PCTF website describes the play like this:
Tulpa, or Anne&Me explores a strange friendship that begins with an artist whose lonely world gets turned upside down when Anne Hathaway crawls out of her television. As their friendship blossoms, they begin to examine how race impacts their lives as women, as friends, and as human beings.

How would you describe it? What is it to you, Shawn, as the author?

Shawn Harris (SH): LOL! I wrote that description for PCTF, so I'd say it's fairly accurate of the plot. What the description doesn't get is how the play speaks to my generation's experience with and ideas about race. Ditto gender and sexuality. We were born years, even decades, after the landmark events of the civil rights, women's liberation, and gay rights movements. All that was literally before our time. Back then, it was said that the personal is political. Now we're seeing how the political is also personal.

Sara Lyons (SL): ditto on what Shawn said :)

BA: The show is challenging from an artistic standpoint, in that your actors have to have a level of talent that we aren’t always seeing these days. I imagine, dealing with the issues of race, racism, and social justice in such a raw, honest way was also a challenge when it came to casting. Were there difficulties in finding people who were talented enough to embrace the roles but were also open enough to address the issues?

SH: Yes and no. So much of what's out there is stereotypical and doesn't offer much to the talent that's out there. As for casting, it's not just the subject matter that makes it hard, it's the nature of the main character too - not just as a queer Black woman, but as a person. She doesn't lend herself to expressing herself easily, but that's kind of the point of the character. But actors - especially stage actors - are often trained to be very expressive, so facing a character who is so intensely reserved can be particularly difficult.

SL: To a certain extent, yes. But in my experience working on shows with social justice themes, I have often found that the more openness and trust that I approach the work and my collaborators with, the more they often surprise and delight me with their passion and interest in the issues at hand. I think the fact for a lot of people is that they have never had the opportunity to honestly engage with social justice issues, particularly race--they haven't had the particular privilege of taking lots of expensive women's studies classes in college, for example--and when they are actually given a safe, nonjudgmental, and stimulating environment to get into it, it can be a novel, transformative, and enlightening experience. When I'm casting a piece like this, I don't necessarily look for someone who is a self-described activist, or someone who makes their living doing social justice work (not that that isn't wonderful!)--I look for people who have heart, and who are unabashedly honest. As the play develops in rehearsal, it is that person who will discover that social justice is just as much about what is in your heart as it is about who's in the White House. That valuing of heart and honesty is also a huge part of what makes a quality actor. So, I often find the pieces actually fit together well

BA: What was it about the two of you, Shawn and Sara, that made you realize you could produce this together?

SH: Since we're both passionate about social justice, we come at it with a shared vocabulary that makes it much easier to get certain ideas across. I don't have to explain basic concepts, which makes it a lot easier to go deeper more quickly. As a director who also knows actors, she can grasp the internal and external complexities of the story and communicate them in a way that works for the people who have to give it life. I'm a writer, so I know how to communicate, but that's not the same as being able to speak Actor.

Sara is remarkably open to challenging her assumptions about things, which is what this play is about. So when I send her resources that inform or explain a certain aspect of the play, I feel like that effort helps - even if she chooses not to use it. So that means she comes at it not as imposing upon the play, or merely regurgitating what's on the page, but interpreting itself in such a way that it reveals itself most fully. It's like the difference between textbook Mandarin conversations and Ezra Pound.

SL: Ditto on what Shawn said. We have mutual passions for social justice and for theatre, and we both believe in the effectiveness of social justice theatre both as art and as activism, so it was a natural fit. As a director, I am consistently blown away by Shawn's writing for it's raw honesty. She expresses truths about broad societal constructions in the most private, intimate communications between people. The ability to draw bridges between the personal and political, I think, is one of theatre's greatest strengths, and it's a task that really excites me as a director and as an activist.

Additionally, I think the two of us compliment one another in terms of the perspectives we bring to the script--we took different routes to social justice and to theatre, and have had very different experiences around race in our lives (I'm white). I think that working on Tulpa is a way for us to help each other express our distinct individual voices while we simultaneously discover and build ground around what we have in common. It's fulfilling, exciting, and so productive!

BA: Traditionally, the voices of people of color and from the LGBTQ community have been given far less respect than the voices of white, straight artists. Shawn, you are a minority. What resistance did you face getting Tulpa up originally?

SH: Triple minority! Not too many queer Black women getting a lot of theatre press.

To be honest, most of the resistance has come from myself. Many writers have this problem to an extent. I've questioned and doubted myself in ways that someone like, say, David Mamet probably doesn't. There's always that feeling that you don't measure up no matter what you do. There's always that suspicion that you're kidding yourself because there are so many other writers who said what you said better than you, so the world doesn't need what you have to offer.

But in a way that's kind of symptomatic of the systems that oppress women, people of color, and LGBTQ people. While physical violence is awful, I've found that the most dangerous and insidious effects have been psychological. I've had times when I've actually wondered to myself, "Maybe I'm just inferior. Maybe I'm simply not smart enough, strong enough, or righteous enough. Maybe it's right for me to be treated this way."

That interview Oprah had with Barbara Walters where she admits that she wanted to be White? I understand exactly what she meant.

BA: Where does the title come from?

SH: In a nutshell, tulpa is a term from Tibetan folklore that describes a being made real through willpower and imagination then takes a life of its own.

SL: Shawn said it. What I find most intriguing about the definitions of "tulpa" is the idea that through a nexus of desire, imagination, and necessity, a human being can literally will something into reality. It's an evocative, theatrical concept, and it also brings interesting perspective into thinking about how to create a more just society.

BA: The goal of the show seems to be (to me anyway) to create honest dialogue
around race and racism. Do you think it’s succeeding?

SH: I think it's too soon to say, but the feedback I've been getting about it makes me feel hopeful in a way that I haven't felt in a very long time.

SL: A small number of people have seen or read it so far, but there have been really encouraging responses. A white, straight man who read it said that it influenced his ideas about race and his own whiteness more than anything he'd ever read or seen before. One person's reaction doesn't necessarily mean other people will react similarly, but I do think it's true that this script has the potential to inject a new level of heart and understanding into how we understand race on the most personal levels. That's absolutely what it's done for me.

BA: Has anything unexpected come from the writing and producing of Tulpa?

SH: Definitely! Working on Tulpa, or Anne&Me has taught me something very important: to challenge my expectations. Most of the people who've been supporting Tulpa, or Anne&Me from the beginning have not been artists or activists or academics, but regular people who've read the script or checked out Tulpa's IndieGoGo campaign and said, "Yes, this is what I need to see," or "Finally! Someone who's talking about this like a real person and not a pundit," or "Thank God! Someone understands!"

SL: I completely echo Shawn's words about learning to challenge your own expectations. With a traditional theatre background in addition to a background in women's/gender/sexuality/race studies, I always fear that I won't feel validated as both an artist and activist when I'm constantly moving between both worlds. What I'm learning as I delve more fearlessly into combining these passions is that they don't have to be so different. Directing is largely about envisioning something original and effective and then guiding that vision into tangible existence. So is being an activist. It takes a lot of faith, and the more I believe in my own work, the more positive and energetic the response tends to be--from both the theatre and the social justice worlds.

For more information, contact me at lifeandtimesofbridget@gmail.com or go to http://www.indiegogo.com/tulpa2011 and see why I’m so excited. Last year, I was looking forward to hearing Shawn’s voice. This year, I’m looking forward to everyone else hearing it. So, keep an ear out for Shawn C. Harris and Sara Lyons, Poppets, and remember, you heard their names here first.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

2011-04-01T08:45:00.000-07:00

Oh, Poppets, it’s Spring! Longer, brighter, warmer days. Open windows. The occasional robin or two. More and more events showing up in various social calendars. That last one is how I know Spring has arrived. Throughout winter, I search and scramble for suggestions for you. More often than not, I shrug and give into my penchant for politics. Then spring comes and I have incredible choices to sift through and highlight. Famine to feast in thirty days.

First – and how did I not know about this before now?! – the Seattle Opera offers LGBT nights. There’s only one left this season, but it’s a good one. The May 20th performance of The Magic Flute is our night. For $100, you get admission to the pre-performance lecture, orchestra seating, and wine reception at intermission. Tickets are available through their website: www.seattleopera.org/tickets/lgbt

If film is more your style, check out the DIY Queer Film Festival sponsored by the Producer’s Collective. In this unique festival, the question “what does home mean to you” is explored through home movies created by LGBT film makers. On Sunday, April 10th at 1:00 and 3:00 for the unbeatable price of $5-$15 suggested donation at 1515 12th Avenue.

Finally, I have a confession; I adore drag shows. There is a reason I write for and love Betty, after all. Now, I understand the argument that drag shows play into every negative stereotype the straight world has of us and I really do appreciate that stance. However, for me, drag is all good fun and an enjoyable, much needed expression of personality. Coming from Boston, where there is only one drag club (the wonderful and under-rated Jacques’ Cabaret, if you’re interested), Seattle is a dream come true. Just about any night you want, you can find a drag show somewhere. But two particular nights have me really excited this spring because, yes, my love of drag shows extends to RuPaul’s Drag Race. April 8th and 9th, Shangela is going to be at Julia’s on Broadway. Tickets are $10 and can be purchased online at www.juliasrestaurantseattle.com or by calling 206/334-0513. Also, on April 22nd and 23rd, Pandora Boxx will be at R Place 619 E. Pine Street. Call 206/322-8828 for more information. Remember to go on the 22nd, though, because you’ve already bought your tickets for the Camp Ten Trees dinner and auction on the 23rd, right? Right.

Yep, it’s spring. The thought of going out is no longer cringe inducing. There’s so much to do and enjoy. Let’s shake off the winter dust and go support some of our own performers, while having a great time.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

March 2011

2011-03-01T12:54:00.000-08:00

Remember a few months ago, everyone was concerned about LGBTQ youth? We all wore purple, changed our Facebook statuses and patted ourselves on the back…and then went back to our lives with the next news cycle. Except, guess what Poppets? LGBTQ youth are still out there. They are still trying to figure it all out and it’s not necessarily any easier now than it was six months ago.

Luckily, not everyone moved on with the next news cycle. Enter Camp Ten Trees, headquartered out of our very own Seattle. And let me tell you – this is one freaking cool camp. What drew me to their website was an event they are having next month and I promise I will tell you about it (because trust me, you really want to hear about it) but first I have to say that every tab I clicked, every link I followed, took my breath away. For eleven years now, they have been committed to LGBTQ youth and are still the only residential camp in the Pacific Northwest serving the community. Not only do they have a week-long camp for LGBTQ teens, but they also offer another week for youth, ages 8-17, of any orientation, from LGBT and/or nontraditional families.

They offer traditional outdoor activities, arts and crafts, and sports. They also offer performance opportunities and community projects. However, underneath the fun surface, the camp’s values of inclusivity, safety and acceptance permeate all the adventures. These values are so important to Camp Ten Trees that, while the rates for camp are reasonable to begin with, they also have a sliding scale and camperships for families that need some assistance footing the bill.

All of which is wonderful and exciting, assuming you are, or have, a child or teenager. But what about the rest of us, who are – be honest – a little past our 18th birthdays? There’s fun for us, too. Next month, on April 23rd, at Herban Feast, 3200 1st Avenue S., Ste. 100, in Seattle, at 6:00 PM, the camp is holding its annual dinner and auction. For $55.00, you get an amazing dinner and access to the silent auction. Add another $20.00 and you get the open bar, instead of having to pay cash. If you really feel like splurging on a great night out for an even better cause, $125.00 will get you a VIP ticket: pre-event reception, open bar all evening, first crack at the silent auction items, goodie bag, raffle ticket, and dinner.

Don’t worry if you’re busy on the 23rd, though. You can still help. Not only are they still accepting donations for the auction, but they accept donations, both financial and in-kind, for the camp year-round. The neatest part of the website, for me anyway, is the page where they tell you exactly what your money pays for. This is where you learn how much it costs to send a camper to Ten Trees for a week or run background checks on staff. Monetary donations can be made online. Auction donations can be arranged through the website. Contact Camp Ten Trees for information regarding in-kind donations, as their needs change so often. And if you happen to speak with Airen, tell him Bridget says hi.

Poppets, being a teenager wasn’t easy when we were kids. It’s certainly no easier now. Videos and purple shirts and Facebook statuses are fine. They make us feel good. But these folks at Camp Ten Trees…they are making a real difference, every day. Seems to me, the least we can do is enjoy a night out to help them. For more information, go to http://www.camptentrees.org/ or call 206-288-9568. It’s easier than finding a purple shirt and has a longer lasting impact.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you – and each other.

February 2011

2011-02-01T19:24:00.000-08:00

Okay, Poppets, here we are in February. Oh…goodie…? Forgive my reticence but February and March are kind of my anti-October. Every October, I struggle with limiting myself to writing one column because there is so much I could write about. February, not so much. If October is an exciting month, February is blah. March isn’t much better. The holidays are over but Spring hasn’t come to bring long - and warm – days, yet. Blah. But would I let you be blah for long? Hell no.

Let’s start locally. While the Seattle Erotic Art Festival isn’t until Spring, the call for submissions has already come, for those of you who are artistically inclined. The time for all of them is midnight, PST. For Installation Art and the Literary Art Exhibition, Tuesday, February 15. For the Erotic Short Film Exhibition, get it in by Monday, February 28. The Performance Art deadline is still TBA. For more information about submissions and/or attendance, go to http://seattleerotic.org/

A little farther down the coast, in Portland, we’ve got KinkFest 2011 coming March 18-20 and registration is going on right now. Personally, I’m a fan of kink festivals, fetish flea markets, toy fairs, what have you, under any circumstances. This time, I want to point one thing out: KinkFest 2011 is, by their own admission and press release, actively courting the gay male population. Full disclosure, I don’t know the politics behind this, what has happened in the past, or why this year is any different. On the one hand, I’m thrilled with the thought that a group that really needs to be accepting and inclusive is making a concerted effort to be so. On the other hand, I’m curious as to why they need to take this step in the first place and why they are only courting gay men, as opposed to everyone within the community. Without having more information, and not being able to find more, I’m willing to give them the benefit of the doubt and assume this is truly a good faith effort. Note – if anyone has different information, please email me and let me know. I’ll pass it along. Meanwhile, kink is good. Being with other people who understand this is good. You can find more here: http://www.kinkfest.org

Washington, Oregon…California, baby! The nation’s first ever LGBT museum has opened in San Francisco at 4127 18th Street. This is no small thing, Poppets. It’s the story of our history. Where we’ve been, where we are, and where we’re going. The history of a people is important. Right now, new as the museum is, it needs donations and volunteers to stay open. Of course, volunteering is going to be tough for most of us. That doesn’t mean we can’t make donations. Add it as a stop on our road trip and pay the entrance fee. At the very least, talk it up. People won’t go if they don’t know about it. http://www.glbthistory.org/museum

February blahs, my ass. Who needs Spring? Okay, yeah, I do. But here are three blahs shattering ways to help us through until it gets here. Enjoy this time, Poppets. And until next month, take care of you.

January 2011

2011-01-01T20:06:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year, Poppets! Have you recuperated yet? Are you ready to start fresh in 2011? Because that’s what new years are for, right? Fresh starts, resolutions, changing who we are, all that. Only…I don’t believe that. As I have written here before, I am all for making personal changes; I am not a fan of the pressure to make said changes based on the turn of the calendar.

When I worked in human services - a long time ago, in another life – we would often get people who had made it through the holidays, made it through New Year’s, but would show up in our offices sometime between mid-January and mid-April, horribly depressed because once again they had failed to lose weight, quit smoking, save money, whatever their resolution had been. They had used this time to try to stop being self-destructive even though there is no reason to think it will work any better now than it does on a random Tuesday in March. But they beat themselves up as if they had failed at something simple.

I was talking to David about this the other day, explaining why I don’t like New Year’s resolutions, when he said something that struck me. He said that there are people who hold out for this particular turn of the calendar with the hopes of not just making a change, but the hopes of forgiving themselves for the past year’s (even years’) sins. They use whatever resolution they make as a manifestation of that forgiveness. But the forgiveness isn’t really there, so the resolution doesn’t stick. When the resolution doesn’t stick, it just proves we don’t deserve to be forgiven. And if we aren’t forgiven, then why do we deserve to stop being self-destructive? It’s a cycle.

It kind of rocked me back on my heels. I’ll be honest; I had never thought of it that way.

So this year, I have a suggestion. Let’s make forgiving ourselves our New Year’s resolution. One year for Lent, a friend of mine gave up self-loathing. For my thirty-fifth birthday, my gift to myself was to embrace my curves and be comfortable in my own skin. Years later, my friend still has the self-confidence she gained that Spring and to this day I rock my plus-size fashion with the sexiest of them. In other words, we can do this forgiveness thing and have it stick.

First, don’t resolve to change any specific, outward thing. Habits, patterns, actions, addictions can all wait for a bit. Second, forgive yourself for not having changed those habits, patterns, actions or addictions yet. You aren’t a failure. Whatever it is, we aren’t bad people. Not at our core. The forgiveness really can be the action this year.

Because here’s what happens - once we’ve forgiven ourselves, we can start to see ourselves as people worth being healthy. Physically. Emotionally. Worthy of not self destructing. When we feel worthwhile, any change we make is more likely to stick, even on a random Tuesday in March. Especially on a random Tuesday in March.

Okay, yeah, this got a little touchy-feely. But you want the truth? I believe every word of it. I believe self-forgiveness is one of the greatest resolutions we can make. I believe we are more likely to make the changes we need to make when we like our core selves first. So, if you have to make a resolution in 2011, try this one.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

December 2010

2010-12-01T11:42:00.000-08:00

Happy Holidays, Poppets! You know what this means, don’t you? Of course you do. It’s time for my annual column on giving. Honestly, I can’t believe it’s already time to be writing this again. It seems like only yesterday that I was writing 2009’s article. Last year so many people were in hard times that I wrote about critical mass. Guess what? For as much as things have changed over the last twelve months, not much has changed over the last twelve months. At least, not as much as most of us would like. So maybe we should talk about critical mass, again. As usual, if you aren’t giving this year, or can’t give this year, that’s okay. But if you are or want to but don’t know how, here are a few thoughts…

1. Pick an organization or cause you care about and pledge to give them…however much you can every single month of the year. Choose one of the suicide prevention organizations I wrote about last month. Or a shelter you know about. Or the ASPCA. Whatever cause touches your heart. It can be five dollars. Seriously. It can be ten dollars. The individual amounts don’t matter as much as the twelve payments. Remember, we’re looking at critical mass, here.
2. Get in touch with your best friend, your colleagues, your condo association, whomever, and all “adopt a family” together. Or a single child off of the mall’s Angel Tree. Or a senior. The point isn’t to give the most presents or even to give to the most number of kids. The point is to make your money - and your best friend’s, your colleagues’ or your condo association’s money - go the farthest.
3. Get those same people together and everybody pitch in for a single toy. Schools, Toys for Tots, hospitals, human services organizations…again, take your pick and give them one present from all of you. There is no such thing as too small a donation.
4. Every time you go to the grocery store between now and December 23rd, buy one unit of whatever nonperishable food is on sale. Or whatever toiletry is on sale. One. As you leave the store, drop it in the collection barrel that you know every single grocery in the area is going to have up.
5. Think socks. Or underwear. Or mittens. Are they glamorous and exciting? Aw hell no. But you can get them at the Dollar Store and at discount stores and on sale for very little money. And when it’s winter and someone is cold, I promise, they will be prefer to have several pairs of socks over an iPod.
6. Still too much this year? Believe me, I get it; I’ve been there. Look at your own closet. Anything still in reasonable condition that you don’t wear any longer? Coats, sweaters, hats, scarves – all good options, so long as they are gently worn. Even backpacks and purses. Shelters will find use for them.

And maybe, there’s just nothing. There is nothing extra to spend, nothing extra to give. None of us want to be there and yet, it’s the way of the world sometimes. There’s still something. As you walk by someone on the street, holding up their sign, look them in the eye. Acknowledge they are a human being. Tell them you wish you had something for them and that you’re sorry you don’t. Treat them as the equal they are. Show them some respect. It’s so little, it costs us nothing, and yet it can mean so very much. And really, isn’t that what this time of year is supposed to be about?

Whatever you celebrate, Poppets, celebrate it well. Celebrate it joyfully and with thanks. Have a happy holiday, a raucous New Year, and, until next month, take care of you – and each other.

November 1, 2010

2010-11-01T14:11:00.000-07:00

It’s November and Thanksgiving again, Poppets. The article in my head was about all the things for which to be thankful and then segue into the pain the families of the teens who have recently committed suicide and how they must be struggling to find a reason to be thankful this season. That would then lead into telling you about the suicide prevention sites that have either sprung up or gained more exposure as a result and urge you to support them, as a way of supporting our teens, so that no family ever has to struggle to find reasons to be thankful at Thanksgiving.

It was great in my head.

It sucked as I tried to write it.

Seriously. What sounded eloquent in my head is coming off as trite, patronizing, and condescending as I tried to get it on paper. You deserve better than that. These families deserve better than that. Those kids sure as hell deserve better than that. Because one more empty article written for the sake of pulling on heartstrings is the last thing that needs to be written right now. But these programs, these are real, these are anything but empty. So check these out; find the one you can support; and find a way to support it.

The newest and, honestly my favorite, is called the We Got Your Back Project. Love this project. Their mission spells out a commitment to inclusivity that many other projects may claim to have, but miss in subtle – or often glaring – ways. They acknowledge that the LGBT community actually, you know, includes Bs and Ts and not everyone is white and middle class. Daring, I know. They are new, so still just getting started. Still, the potential here is endless.

Possibly the best known program is The Matthew Shepard Foundation, created by the parents of Matthew Shepard following his murder in a hate crime driven by his orientation. Their online community and resource center is Matthew’s Place. It gives teens a place to gather, talk, meet…from wherever they are.

The Trevor Project offers videos, articles and information for teens struggling with coming out or being out. They also offer a 24-hour/7-day a week telephone hotline (866-488-7386) for suicidal teens. They have trevorspace.org, as well, which is a social networking site for young people ages 13-24.

All three of these sites offer suggestions for straight allies, as well. They also give suggestions on what to do if a suicidal teen comes to you for help. Vital reading for all of us.

Finally, there is the It Gets Better Project. A You Tube page devoted to videos from older members of the LGBT community. The ones who remember what it was like to be a Queer child and teen. Videos that speak directly to today’s teens, assuring them that It Gets Better.

If you know of another resource for LGBT or questioning teens, please drop me a line at lifeandtimesofbridget@gmail.com. I’ll do my best to get the word out. If you know of a teenager who is hurting, reach out to them. We never know where the nugget of hope that keeps a kid alive is going to come from. If you are a teen who is hurting, check these out. Talk to an adult you trust. Call on your local resource center. Or write me. Seriously. That’s my address, up there.

It’s Thanksgiving time. I promise you, there’s reason to be thankful.

Until next month, Poppets, give thanks for what makes you happy, and take care of you.

October 2010

2010-10-01T11:58:00.000-07:00

It’s October, Poppets, my favorite month of the year. Autumn arrives in earnest; leaves crisp up; the snap in the air is perfect for sweaters and snuggling. All this and so much more – including and especially, Halloween. And here’s a secret, just between us, when it comes to Halloween, I really miss living in Northern Washington. There are just so many great events that night. Hell, when Halloween falls on a weekend, as it does this year, there are three nights of amazing events. Who wouldn’t want to be there? Since I can’t be, though, here’s where you can find some of the best parties in my stead. Just remember to lift a glass to me. (Note: these are alphabetized by venue; their placement on the list means nothing.)

* Club Vogue at 1509 Broadway, Seattle. Saturday, October 30th, from 9:00 p.m. until 3:00 a.m. Check out the All Hallow’s Eve party. There’s no official theme, so come dressed as you will. At midnight is a fashion show, so fabulousness encouraged. Of course, fabulousness is always encouraged because, well, it’s us. Use the front entrance of the club.
* Purr Lounge at 1518 11th Avenue, Seattle. Sunday, October 31st, from 7:00 p.m. until 2:00 a.m. The Sisters of the Mother House of Washington are hosting Nuns Go Bump in the Night II. Aside from being great fun, it’s also a breast cancer fundraiser, with a suggested $5.00 donation at the door. Halloween, nuns, and helping a good cause. If it gets better, I don’t know how.
* Rendezvous Jewelbox Theatre at 2322 2nd Avenue, Seattle. Saturday, October 30th at 7:00 p.m. and 8:30 p.m. The Urban Bombshell Burlesque Show brings a Halloween cabaret. May I repeat that? A Halloween cabaret. See why I miss the area? Tickets are $10.00.
* Showbox at the Market at 1426 1st Avenue, Seattle. Friday, October 29th, at 9:00 p.m. until 2:00 a.m. Bump Fire + Ice equals a light show, DJs, and a costume contest with a $1000.00 prize. Plus, it, too, is a fundraiser, supporting Gay City, the Seattle Women’s Chorus, and the Seattle Men’s Chorus. Ticket packages are available, starting at $35.00 for a single in advance/$45.00 at the door. But see www.gaycity.org for all the group and VIP options. And remember, there’s the official after-party, Grind, too!
* Triple Door (mainstage) at 216 Union Street, Seattle, brings back the Can Can Halloween Spectacular for the fifth year. Oooo, Poppets. Six shows over three nights. I would be at least one of these. Maybe two. Each night, the 29th, 30th, and 31st, has an all-ages show at 7:00 p.m. and a 21+ show at 10:00 p.m. Tickets are $20.00 in advance/$25.00 at the door.

Five choices for one particularly eerie and wonderful evening. Splurge and overlap some. Or make it a whole weekend. You know you’re worth it, your friends are worth it, and dressing up to match our wildest imaginations is certainly worth it.

Finally, before we go, Poppets, it is October and I am me, which means I need to remind you that it’s Domestic Violence Awareness month. If you or someone you love needs support or help, there are people who will listen, who can help, who understand that domestic violence isn’t just a heterosexual, straight problem. The Northwest Network in Seattle can be reached Monday through Friday at 206/568-7777. Skagit Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Services can be reached 24-hours a day, 7 days a week, at 888/336-9591.
Have fun, be safe, and until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

September 2010

2010-09-01T10:53:00.000-07:00

Can you handle one more month of political stuff, Poppets? I knew you could. Recently, a friend of mine had to call out a woman who claimed to be an ally of the LGBT community. It didn’t go well. The ally got defensive, started deflecting, and ended up losing all credibility as supporter of the community.

It got me thinking, though – what is the difference between an actual ally and someone who has taken a diversity training or has a lesbian co-worker? Is it that they never screw up? God help us if that’s the case. No, I think it’s more about how a person responds when they do screw up. So, without further ado, I present you Bridget’s Guide to Screwing Up With Style:

* There is no such thing as a perfect ally. This is a tough one for those of us who really do care to learn. It is, however, true. You will screw up. Accept it. Learn it. Live it.
* People in the LGBT community will be understanding of the (very) occasional screw up. Where the trouble will come is if you try to justify the screw up. When you try to make the screw up about them. When you get defensive over being called out for the screw up. Odds are good that you didn’t set out to be offensive, duh. Explaining that fact doesn’t win you too many points, because, well, duh. Getting defensive when your intention doesn’t give you a pass on your impact loses you points. Fast.
* If someone calls you out on being offensive, it means you were offensive. This isn’t rocket science. You have screwed up. Apologize. Shut up. Listen. Learn. And remember, listening isn’t the same as staying quiet, waiting until the other person stops talking.
* Your one gay friend or your lesbian college roommate doesn’t speak for everyone. Just because he doesn’t mind if you use that phrase or she found it funny when you did that impersonation, doesn’t mean you aren’t currently being offensive. Don’t use them to defend your current situation.
* Online icons, club memberships, Pride attendance, etc. only go so far. These don’t make you bullet-proof. Hell, even reading (or writing for) The Betty Pages doesn’t make you immune to screwing up. Don’t hold any of these up as ways to deflect from the fact that you have just made a mistake.

And there you go. Mostly, it boils down to own your shit, rather than trying to pass it off. Remember, if someone is calling you out, you have hurt their feelings or made them angry. If you meant to do so or not, this should matter to you. Other people’s feelings should matter to you – especially if you are holding yourself up as someone who cares about their feelings.

There’s more than just these five, of course, but start here. Keep listening. Keep learning. And until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

August 1, 2010

2010-08-01T13:28:00.000-07:00

Three years, Poppets. As of last month, I have written for The Betty Pages for three years. It can’t possibly have been three years. And yet, it has been. In light of this, I decided I would re-introduce myself. After all, we have new readers who weren’t around three years ago when I first did so, and it would be easy to ask why this straight, cis-gendered woman writes this column every month. Why this straight, cis-gendered woman refers to “us” and “we” and “our” when talking about the LGBT community. Sure, if you’ve read me frequently or met me around town or asked Betty or Brian, you could get an answer. But what if you haven’t? Who the hell am I to be writing here, using the words I use? You deserve an answer.

What is/was interesting is that once I decided to write this article this month, once I started thinking about explaining myself to you, I started to get scared. This is a scary issue to address. People are wary. Legitimately concerned of being led into a trap. People are suspicious. With straight, cis-gendered privilege comes the ability to walk away if it gets too hard. Comes the straightsplaining. Comes the straight guilt. Because, let's be honest, the Special White Woman is just as insulting and degrading as the raging bigot, and worse because she tries to lull you into a false sense of security. You know it. I know it. And here I am, trying to find the words to explain why a straight, cis-gendered woman writes about “our community.”

And there’s the rub. The rub is, for me anyway, the words. Yes, words have specific definitions and that’s all fine and good. But words also have emotional meanings for us. I know people who cringe at the word “activist.” Yet, I also know people who relax once they hear it. Some people don’t want to hear an explanation at all. You either live it or you don’t and your words don’t matter. Other people need the words before they can trust the actions. As a writer, I am well aware of the importance of a properly turned phrase, and the dangers of a poorly turned one. So how do I find the way to explain to you who I am? To re-introduce myself to you? Say too much, and I sound like the Special White Woman. Say too little, and we go back to the who the hell am I, anyway, question. It’s a dilemma. It’s scary. It’s worth a shot.

The fast answer to why I consider myself a part of this community is that my husband, David, is gay. No, he’s not bi; he’s gay. He lived closeted for years, before finally coming out to himself and a handful of close, trusted friends. Neither one of us expected to fall in love. He was terrified of making another mistake that would send him back into the closet, and probably divorce court. I wasn’t the least bit interested in being a beard or a cover of some sort. We fell in love anyway. He’s not back in the closet and I’m not a beard. We are lucky enough to have been able to fall in love with people instead of just genders. As his spouse, his issues are mine. From the ones any couple faces like finances and employment and an aging father and a rebellious teenage son to ones that are more unique to our community like decisions about coming out and a legal system that doesn’t recognize him as truly equal to straight, cis-gendered men. These are my issues, every single day. Anyone who would try to tell you otherwise has never been in love.

Another fast answer is that human sexuality, orientation and identity is so vast a spectrum, it’s difficult for me to place myself on one fixed spot on it. Am I straight? In that I am not sexually attracted to other women, yes. Am I cis-gendered? In that I do not need to give up my female-ness to be in a male body, yes. But I do not believe, since we are being honest among ourselves, that our answers - our sexuality, orientation and identity - are that cut and dried. Western society in general, and American society specifically, is distressingly closed-minded about these issues. Americans like to pretend that because we acknowledge LGBT options, we’re being inclusive. But the spectrum is greater than the five points that make up Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgendered, and Straight. And it’s certainly about more than who we want to fuck or who we want to be when we fuck them. Straight and cis-gendered define me because I have no other options, because once again, I am trapped by my words.

Since there are fast answers, it follows logically that there is a not-so fast answer. That there is, perhaps, a downright convoluted one. Never let it be said I am not logical. I consider the LGBT community “my” community because it is the only community I have ever known. Bear with me if you will…I walked into my first drag club when I was twelve. It was New York City and my friend knew the stage manager of the show. I’ve often wondered how they got away with having me there, in what was in essence, a bar. But it was the early-80s and it was NYC and maybe all that played into my favor. The point is I was there. And for the first time in my young life, who I was was…fine. From the bar backs to the stage crew to the performers, I was accepted. Looking back on it now, I have no doubt they were highly amused by the short, round little girl from the small Southern town trying so hard to be city cool – but they didn’t show it. They didn’t treat me like a problem to be solved or an outcast to be pitied the way most other adults in my world did.

From there on out, straight, mainstream culture never resonated with me. Whenever I would move, which was often, it was within the local LGBT community that I found friends, love, acceptance, and family. It was here, in these clubs, community centers, theatres, bookshops, reading groups, and cafes, where I was welcomed as exactly who I was, instead of being expected to change if I wanted to be allowed in. I was never treated as an outsider. Hell, I was never even treated as just an ally. I have been wrapped up, given cookies, and brought into the fold. This is my community, our community, because I have been assured it can be.
This community is my home, my family. Like all families, we can laugh and joke – and make each other crazy. But we do so with the knowledge of shared experiences and respect, love and yes, constancy. And that’s why I write for The Betty Pages.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

July 1, 2010

2010-07-01T12:59:00.000-07:00

Recently, Poppets, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about privilege. See, in many ways, I carry a lot of it. I am white; I’m straight; I’m cis-gendered. All of these give me privilege here in the US. Now, because I am aware of my privilege, I try very hard to check it at the door, so to speak, and not abuse it, consciously or unconsciously. This is not to say I’m perfect, but I do try.

So what has me thinking about privilege recently? Because I have also, recently, been living without it, in many ways. For several months, I lived with someone who could’ve asked me to leave at anytime – and I would’ve had to leave. Currently, I get to be where I am “as long as no one complains.” So while the living arrangements are indescribably better, they are still dependant upon others’ approval and acceptance. Let me tell you – the threat of homelessness will change what you do and say mighty quick.

I’ve also been, in case you haven’t put this one together, broke, broke, broke for a few months. Did I mention broke? All my morals and values around shopping locally, not giving my money to certain conglomerates, voting with my wallet as well as my ballot – Gone. Apparently, the ability to do that comes with economic privilege. Who knew? On the one side of the line, even if money is a little tight, it’s important enough that one can easily say well, the prices aren’t that much more here than there and I support the politics here so…and pay the extra dollar or two. But there’s a difference between having enough money or even money being a little tight and being broke, broke, broke. When you are broke, you are on the other side of that line. Having now spent some time there, I have come to realize how lucky, how privileged, I have always been to be able to take that stance, to have economic values.

We as a community are facing a shift in privilege, as well. Quite frankly, if we’re not careful, I believe it could be as divisive as anything else we’ve faced. On one line is the privilege of being safely out. On the other is the knowledge that “safe” and “out” are mutually exclusive.

For members of the community who are safely out, or who are straight allies like me, it’s easy to judge people who remain closeted. I know I have, in the past, been too blasé about encouraging people to come out, without taking their situations into account. After all, it’s a different time now, and it was easy to assume my experience with and knowledge of acceptance would be universal. We have leaders, bloggers, journalists, and activists who feel it is not only acceptable but it is a responsibility to out the closeted. Now, I’m not talking about hypocrites who work to legislate and continue to oppress LGBT people while living secret lives. Suddenly, everyone should be outted, regardless. And this, Poppets, is about privilege. The privilege of the safely out.

Should we live in a world where everyone can come out and be out safely? Absolutely! Must we keep working toward that end? Umm…duh. But we’re not there yet and outing people, regardless of their situation, doesn’t get us there. As much as we’d like it to be otherwise, there are people who are not and can not be out safely. They know their situations better than we do. The safely outted and the straight allies have privilege not everyone has yet. We need to remember that, over here on our side of the line, and yes, check it at the door.

Until next month, Poppets, remember I can be reached at lifeandtimesofbridget@gmail.com … and take care of you.

June 1. 2010

2010-06-01T10:03:00.000-07:00

It’s June, Poppets, and June means Pride. And what a Pride it could be. We have an openly transgendered woman on the presidential cabinet; the military is taking steps to end DADT; and the president has changed the laws regarding hospital visits and medical decisions. We have so many reasons to celebrate this year!

In the past, I have been supportive of Pride in all its forms. Noisy political rally? Go for it. Dancing in the streets? Sign me up. Sexy, colorful costumes with more feathers than material? Oh yeah baby. Even an exchange of shouted insults swapped with teabaggers has been cool with me.

This year, though, I have a different idea. This year, let’s put away our signs and our feathers. Let’s save our sexy costumes and snarky comments about the extreme right for our private after parties. In other words, let’s show the world who we are, not just who they think we are. Who they are afraid we are. Because you and I both know what they are afraid of.

They are afraid of what they think they know. That we are overly sexual, flamboyant people. That we are angry, belligerent people. And those might indeed be part of who we are. They are hardly everything we are, despite what our opponents “know.”

During the one month the world is really watching us, let’s show them the part of us they don’t know. The part no one can possibly be afraid of. Let’s turn out dressed well, not just street legal. Let’s be well-spoken and articulate, not just loud. Let’s hold hands with and kiss the people we love, not just grope the people we lust.

This is our time. We are closer than we have ever been. But the sad truth is we are not there yet. People still hate what they think they know about us. This year, let’s give them a chance to know us. Let’s show them not only that we are Proud, but why we are Proud.

Until next month, Poppets, enjoy Pride and take care of you.

May 1, 2010

2010-05-01T15:43:00.000-07:00

Greetings, Poppets, from Alaska – where it's wild...where it's peaceful...where it's snowing. Yep. Snowing. At least it makes for good, albeit wistful, dreaming weather. And what am I dreaming about? Spring. Sunny days, warm breezes, green grass...The good news is that you get the benefit of my dreaming about what's happening in warmer climes.

Let's be honest, May is a gorgeous time to be in Washington. Plus, the festivals and fairs begin to help show off the state. Seattle offers something for everyone, all month long.

Feel a strong connection to the sea (or the men who sail it)? Be sure to head to the Seattle Maritime Festival May 6-8. It's at Pier 66/Bell Harbor Marina. Admission is free – and you know how much I like free.

Mother's Day is in May, but if your mom is anything like the moms I know, another brunch and heart-shaped necklace will only go over so well. Consider taking her – or your dad, or your best friend – down to Pike Place Market for the Flower Festival instead. May 8 and 9 the streets are brimming with flowers and bouquets. Enjoy just looking at the riot of color or splurge and buy. It's too beautiful to miss, either way.

If you have kids in your life, or still consider yourself a kid, then the Seattle International Children's Festival is for you. It comes to town May 11-15. And don't deny yourself this one; it really is a treat for all of us. Borrow a kid and go.

Don't forget the perennial favorite, the University District street fair. Yes, it's been around forever, but there's a reason for that: it's wonderful. Wander through on the 15th and 16th of the month.

Also on the 15th and 16th, since you're going to be in town anyway, don't forget my favorite of all – the Seattle Cheese Festival. An entire festival devoted to cheese. At Pike Place Market. In May. Does it get better than that? Nope, I don't think so, either. Everything you ever wanted to know about cheese and more. While you're there, have a nibble for me, please.

If movies are more your style, you're in luck. The Seattle International Film Festival (SIFF) is in town. The launch party is May 20th and films continue through June 13th. Featuring over 400 films from 60 countries, it claims to be the largest film festival in the country. And it's right in your backyard.

Speaking of movies and film festivals, head to Three Dollar Bill's Cinema (1122 E. Pike Street, #1313, Seattle, 206-323-4274) for the Seattle Transgender Film Festival, May 13-16. It may not be as big or as well-known as the SIFF. As one of the only transgender film festivals in the world, it's just as important.

Are you ready to move out of the audience and onto the stage? That's an option, too! RPlace (619 E. Pine Street, Seattle, 206-322-8828) is holding Pride Idol 2010. The competitions are held several nights during the month of May. Winners get cash, prizes, and a chance to ride in the Pride Parade. More information and full details can be found at www.idol.seattlepride.org.

It's May, Poppets. The weather's drying out, the sun is shining and the flowers are in bloom – at least in my imagination. Shake off the rain and snow of winter, get out, and enjoy a little Spring for me. And until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

April 1, 2010 (post 2)

2010-04-05T11:59:00.000-07:00

It was another 2 post month this month, Blog Readers. Here's the second. The first can be found directly beneath. Take care of you.

Hi Poppets! Can I check in on something with you, please? It’s something I’ve been aware of for years now but has been back up in my face the last month. Why, when we talk about the LGBT community, do we not actually mean the LGBT community? Because we don’t.

My friend, Helen, is bisexual. She has had four long-term, committed, bring-your-partner-home-to-meet-the-family relationships. Two have been with men. Two have been with women. And yes, the last one she had was with a man, whom she married and is still quite happily married to today. She is also still bisexual. He knows it. She certainly knows it. They have an open relationship because, while he is the man she wants to be married to, she is still bisexual, and there are needs he just can’t meet. Mostly, though, their relationship is open in theory alone. Why? Because the attitude is that she is betraying the community by being married to a man; she is, literally, sleeping with the enemy.

My husband, David, still self-identifies as gay. I am the person he loves and I happen to be female. That doesn’t mean he isn’t more attracted to men than he is to women. It means he happened to fall in love with a person, rather than just a gender. However, many of his gay friends have ostracized him, accused him of just “slumming” when he was hanging out with them. I would willingly accept that they just don’t like me – except that the ones who have accused him of the betrayal haven’t and won’t even meet me.

Another friend, Lilo, is bisexual and married, courtesy of Canada, to a woman. Yet she still has to listen to her wife’s friends warn her wife that Lilo will leave her for a man, for the ease of heterosexual life. And not in a joking, fun-loving sort of way, either. They are bitter, spiteful warnings, implicit with, should Lilo leave one day, her wife will only have gotten what she deserved for getting involved with “one of them” anyway.

Excuse me, but what the hell? This makes no sense, Poppets. If what we fight for, what we rally for, is the right to be accepted for who we are and love who we love, why are we not willing to give that same respect to others? Others who we claim to include? Helen still can’t talk openly about going out on a date with a woman because she risks her job if she does (and not because of an adultery clause). David still opted to remove the pink triangle decal from our car before starting a new job, until he gets a feel for how homophobic his new company is. Lilo is still only married because another country gave her that right. They are still facing the ostracism, the less-than attitudes, the danger, the opposition. They shouldn’t have to face it here, among their own community. We should be better than that.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you – and each other.

April 1, 2010 (post 1)

2010-04-01T11:57:00.000-07:00

Hi Poppets! Guess what? I might be on the move again. I know, I know. Never put my address in permanent ink. That’s just a bad idea. While I always look forward to a move, this one is good for me on another level, as well. This one is causing me to face and rethink some prejudgments I didn’t even realize I had. See, we’re moving to Alaska. Yep, this city girl is going to the home of flannel shirts, lumberjacks, moose and Sarah Palin. Need I say I wasn’t very excited about it at first?

Somewhat grudgingly, I started researching Anchorage. After all, we would need a place to live, buy groceries, see the occasional movie. And what I discovered surprised me. A lot.

Anchorage has a gay scene to rival any city’s in the lower 48 – and better than many – but it’s not just in Anchorage (although in fairness, much of it is in Anchorage but much of everything in Alaska is in Anchorage so…). The whole state has LGBT friendly resorts and towns and tours. Even the main airline, Alaska Airline, is officially one of the best places to work in the US if you are homosexual and/or a transgendered person. Plus, the Alaskan men on the site David and I belong to are oh so numerous and oh so very cute.

It was quite a wake-up call for me. My assumptions were of closed-minded bigots and people who couldn’t make it down here in the contiguous United States. I was already prepping myself to go in as a sociologist, simply observing, keeping my head down until it was time for us to move on. More than being surprised by Alaska, though, I was surprised by myself…and the chip on my shoulder. The negative stereotypes I was so willing to believe, without proof one way or another. Instead, I have found a thriving and healthy LGBT community.

Admittedly, we haven’t moved yet. It may be very different living it than it is researching it. Whatever living it is actually like, though, Anchorage still has an LGBT community center, a PFLAG office, a youth center, an Imperial Court, several dance clubs, and a handful of social clubs. Regardless of if they are there because they are welcome or if they are there because they are fighting for acceptance, they are there. Which is more than I was expecting, or willing to give them.

Learn from my mistakes this month, Poppets. Watch yourselves. Watch your assumptions. Be open to having your minds changed for the better, not just the worse. And until next month, take care of you.

March 2010

2010-03-01T00:00:00.000-08:00

Hi Poppets! I’ve been very political recently, I know, but let’s be honest: there is so much going on within and about the community that it’s hard not to be political these days. This month, I told David, was going to be different. This month, I was going to focus on fun, wonderful things to do and leave the politics to my betters. And then I saw a bumper sticker. The bumper sticker read Tolerance Is For People Without Conviction. Are you kidding me? According to the owners of this car, Jesus had no conviction; Nelson Mandela has no conviction; Archbishop Desmond Tutu has no conviction; Mother Teresa had no conviction. With a group like this, maybe I’ll start claiming to have no conviction.

Now, part of me is still furious, as I think you know me well enough to know. However, since I have been very political recently, I think I will stick with my original plan this month. After all, since I have been released from having conviction, let’s look at events coming up in the area…

First, in case you hadn’t noticed, Gay Bingo is back! They’ve moved to a new location at Freemont Studios but it’s still Gay Bingo. It’s still a great night. It still benefits a worthy cause (the Lifelong AIDS Alliance). This month, the theme is When In Rome on March 20th. Next month is Biker Babes on the 17th of April. Doors open at 6:00 pm and the event starts at 7:00. If you want more information, check out http://www.gaybingoseattle.org or http://www.lifelongaidsalliance.org/gaybingo.

Next, the Seattle Men’s Chorus is bringing their Latin music show, Ole! Ole! Ole!, to life on Saturday, April 10th at 8:00 pm and Sunday, April 11th at 2:00 pm. The Saturday night performance is followed by a dance, free to all ticket holders. Get moving at the concert and stay moving into the night, until 1:00 am! Cash bar and food will be available, too. More information can be found here: http://www.flyinghouse.org/smc/ole/.

If you love to dance but country is more your style, check out the Emerald City Hoedown, April 23-25, also in Seattle. Three days of dancing, music, and great people – all to a country western beat, courtesy of Rain Country Dance Association. And no, you don’t have to be a member to attend. While primarily geared toward the LGBT community, Rain Country Dance is straight-friendly, as well, and open to all. Details about the Hoedown and the Association can be found at http://www.raincountrydance.org/hoedown.asp and http://www.raincountrydance.org/index.asp respectively.

Finally, for this article at least, it’s the time of year for Dining Out For Life (http://www.diningoutforlife.com/). Regardless of where you are, you can participate. Take a run up to the Vancouver, B.C. area on the 25th of this month to eat at some fabulous restaurants and then, on April 29th, be in either Seattle or Portland and repeat. Two delicious nights out; one worthy cause.

So, Poppets, if you want to stick to your convictions and keep tolerating, or if you want to throw up your hands for a few weeks and shun those who aren’t lucky enough to be us, here are a few ways to do it in style – snarkiness optional. Whichever you choose, until next month, take care of you.

February 2010

2010-02-01T08:39:00.000-08:00

Hi Poppets! Have you seen the movie Avatar, yet? I have a confession: I have not. Not being much of a fantasy geek, it just doesn’t hold that much interest for me, even if it is on track to being one of the top-grossing movies of all time. It seems everyone has something to say about it though, which is why I think I’m probably the only person in America who hasn’t seen it yet. Generally speaking, I don’t listen to reviews much. As a writer, I know how subjective they are. However, one particular review (in fairness, posted on Facebook by the friend of a friend of mine) led me down some interesting paths.

The FB post was written by Mark (not his real name) who happens to be a black man. His comment was “once again, the white man saves the day, but it was still a great movie.” When my friend, who happens to be a white woman, told me about this comment, she finished with the aside, “Mark’s gotten a little militant.” My response was “Actually, so have I.” And we both laughed and that was the end of it.

Only it wasn’t the end of it for me. That line, Mark’s gotten a little militant has stayed with me. At what point did acknowledging subtle, culture-wide, frustratingly acceptable prejudices mean one was militant?

Over the last several months, I’ve read bloggers and articles from people of color, women, members of the LGBT community, and yes, even some white, straight folks, who are pointing out these prejudices in everything from comic books to public policy. Movies where the supposedly strong woman still has to be rescued by her male counterpart. Comic books where the token gay character is nothing more than an animated stereotype. Policy that claims to protect one group of people, while throwing another group under the bus. And let’s not forget the justice of the peace at the end of last year who refused to grant a marriage license to an inter-racial couple because of the “emotional harm” society could do to any children resulting from the marriage.

My friend and I grew up together. We wore out cassette tapes of South African songs of freedom. We wrote letters to politicians. We wore ribbons and peace signs (back before they were in style again). Now, twenty-five years later, a black man acknowledging – with humor, nonetheless – the underlying theme of the white man saving the day is militant.

I’ll be honest; I’ve never considered myself militant. I am an unapologetic rights activist. I write for the Betty Pages, even though I’m a straight woman. I write about the racism surrounding our President even though I’m a white woman. The Constitution still means something very important to me. I listen and I talk; I teach and I learn. Does that make me militant? Maybe. Apparently. But I can live with that. For me, it beats the alternative of silence.

And, on an only slightly related note (so please forgive the bad segue), I don’t only call out others when I think they’ve been wrong. I try to admit it when I am, as well. Last month, I called out the President for not standing up more strongly for the LGBT community. Since then, Mr. Obama has appointed the first openly transgendered woman to a Presidential position. Amanda Simpson, formerly Mitchell Simpson, will be a senior technical advisor to the Commerce Department. This is the bravest step any president has ever taken on our behalf, don’t fool yourself. Thank you, sir, for proving me wrong. In spite of last month’s article, I still believe this man is a friend of ours and supports us. If I’m going to call out others, I should call out myself as well. That, too, beats the alternative of silence.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

January 2010

2010-01-03T13:55:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year, Poppets! It’s 2010. Amazing isn’t it? Hopefully, your holidays were peaceful and joyous. Mine were good, which is always a lovely thing to report. But, with the holidays over and the new year rung in, it’s time for me to come out of my gothic-y Martha Stewart stage and start paying attention again.

Turns out, we’re coming up on an important anniversary. It’s been almost a year since Barack Obama took the oath of office. And oh dear… Sometimes being a Libra isn’t the easiest thing to be. Generally speaking, Libras are very good at seeing all sides of an issue.

See, our president made many promises to the LGBT community during the campaign. The passage of the Employment Nondiscrimination Act (ENDA); the end of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell (DADT); the repealing of the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA). We opened our hearts and our wallets. We registered and campaigned and talked. We rallied and voted. He won us over and we helped ensure he won. Yet, so far, there has been no movement on any of these issues.

We deserve better. It is, after all, 2010. How is it possible we are still having this debate in 2010?

And yet, the Libra in me kicks in, this is the same president who was left with the greatest economic failure of most of our lifetimes, a two front war, a country as polarized as we’ve ever seen, an education system that is barely viable, and the distrust and disrespect of the global community. The needs of one group – any group – must be put on the back burner until our country is functioning again. Because don’t fool yourselves; our country is barely functioning. Those infamous foundations? They are still cracking and crumbling out from under us.

This has taken nearly a decade to the layperson’s eye, and some experts say going back to the 1970s, to create. This won’t be turned around in one year. It can’t be, no matter who is in the White House or what promises were made. Let’s get the country stable again and then we can start holding him to the promises he made to the smaller groups of constituents.

And yet, I answer myself, not moving on a promise because there are other, more urgent issues, is one thing. To use the weight of the White House and the Department of Justice (DOJ) to countermand future legal actions brought by us and on our behalf, is another. To use cases involving incest and pedophilia to justify the Constitutionality of DOMA (as the DOJ did last summer) oversteps. This isn’t just silence or inaction. Nor is it innocuous. Nor is it necessary. While the DOJ must defend current laws, it needs not defend them by legitimizing the opposition’s most inflammatory, oppressive stances. It needs not give validity to the opposition’s greatest fears.

Still, the Libra speaks up once I’ve calmed down a bit, and then she goes silent. Because there were other ways to handle this. Ways that didn’t betray us. Silence, I could have understood. I could’ve even defended. I don’t expect miracles in a year, I never did. But I didn’t expect this White House, this President, to set us up, either. It’s important now for us to think clearly. To come together as a community. To remind President Obama about his promises. We got him elected once. We don’t have to do it twice. Maybe a year in is a good time to get that message across. What do you think? Let me know at lifeandtimesofbridget@gmail.com.

And, until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

December 2009

2009-12-01T09:59:00.000-08:00

Hi Poppets! Happy holidays to you and yours! Once again, as with last year, it’s a tough time for the country, for the economy, for many, many families – mine included, if truth be told. Several of us are having a hard time providing for our own children and partners and parents, let alone anyone else. Yet this time of year is the time most of us think about giving, as well. It’s an ugly Catch 22: we want to give to those in need but we are in need ourselves but we want to give but we can’t give…you get the idea. Maybe you even live the idea. So what to do? I can’t answer that question for you. I can, however (because it’s my column after all), give you a suggestion. This year, it’s all about critical mass.

Instead of traditional gifts, go old school. Find recipes and do some baking. Cookies, fudge, candies…there are so many surprisingly easy recipes out there and available. One of my favorites is actually my mother’s spiced tea recipe, which doesn’t require any more skill than being able to mix powders. Hello! It doesn’t get any easier than that.

Still too expensive? Find three other friends in the same boat. Sadly, I bet that won’t be too hard for most of us. Each of you buy the ingredients for one or two goodies, get together and bake. Hell, somebody splurge for a cheap wine and make a night of it. Once everything has cooled or set, swap out. A dozen chocolate chip cookies is only so interesting. A paper plate or Tupperware of four different sweets will make anyone happy. And your gift recipients never need know you didn’t bake them all!

Great ideas, assuming you have the time or the inclination to bake. Since not everyone goes all Martha Stewart-y this time of year, I do understand these are not good ideas for some. But would I leave you hanging? Of course not. You’re still broke. You still want to give. You still don’t bake. Fine.

Find those three other friends who are in the same situation and figure out how much you each can afford. Five dollars? Ten? No problem. Pool it and choose a charity. Personally, I suggest you give them the cash. They will be able to make your dollars go much further than you can. And remember, you’re not just giving them your five dollars. You’re giving them your group’s twenty dollars. I used to work human services; trust me. Twenty dollars is great. Twenty dollars is a Christmas dinner or a tank of gas or a night in a shelter in the right hands. See? It’s all about critical mass.

Even this year, we can take care of each other. And isn’t that really what this time of year is all about, in the long run? Have a happy holiday, whatever you celebrate. Take care of each other – and accept this as my holiday gift to you (be smart though – if you’re allergic to anything in it, please don’t make it, deal? Deal.)

Susan's Spiced Tea
2 cups Tang
2 scoops instant lemonade (if anybody can still find Wyler's, it's especially good)
1 cup instant, unsweetened tea (caffeinated or decaf, optional)
1 teaspoon ground clove
1 heaping teaspoon cinnamon

Combine all ingredients in a large bowl. Add three heaping teaspoons to a mug. Fill mug with boiling water and stir.

Enjoy and until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

November 1, 2009

2009-11-01T17:22:00.000-08:00

It’s Thanksgiving time, Poppets. Turkey, stuffing, pumpkin pie, all that good stuff. Technically, it’s supposed to be about more than that. You know it. I know it. And yet…sometimes it can be hard to find things to give thanks for. The politics around the origins of this holiday are iffy at best. Neither the time it celebrates – the first feast with the indigenous peoples who helped us survive before we wiped them out – nor the time it was inaugurated – the 1950s and those glory years in our country’s history – are particularly worth our pride or our thanks, let’s be honest here.

Currently, our community is under heavy fire from the conservative Christian right wing and it often feels that for every step forward we take, we get shoved two backwards. What the hell is there to be thankful for?

Recently, I was having a conversation with a friend of mine and expressing my sadness and disgust over the rising tide of conservatism that is sweeping the nation in the name of Christianity. Now, as my Betty Pages readers know, I’m not Christian but I was raised Christian by extremely liberal Christians. I’ve read the Bible. I know my theology. And you know what? The hate that is being preached doesn’t line up with what I was taught in Sunday school.

As I was expressing my sadness and disgust, my friend reminded me that the Evangelical Lutheran Church of America (ELCA) recently voted to allow LGBT pastors to be open and in relationships. Along with that, she pointed me to a man named Lee Miller. He is a young pastor in the Lutheran church. Apparently, Pastor Miller reads the same Bible I used to. In other words, Lee Miller gets it – and he is willing to stand up and preach it.

This past summer, at the convention where this debate and the final vote was taking place, he stood in his collar and spoke out in support of LGBT pastors. He spoke of God’s love. He spoke of God’s acceptance of everyone. My favorite quote was that he “is not saved because (he’s) heterosexual but because of God’s love.” He could’ve stayed quiet and simply cast his vote. He could’ve paid lip service to that which was safe and then cast his conscious. He didn’t. The cynic in me had to know why, so I asked. Here’s what he told me:

When I was a teenager I met a friend at a national church gathering. People thought we were twins; we were instant, fast, friends. K.C. knew his Bible better than I did. When I was depressed over school, or a break up, or life; he would send a letter including a verse from scripture to encourage me.
K.C. came to know himself as being gay. He wrestled with the Bible that he knew so well, and the church who he loved so much. In his sophomore year of college K.C. took his own life. He could never reconcile his faith with his sexuality.
K.C. had the gifts for ministry. Many of my gay colleagues have
excellent gifts for ministry. I can't allow another person to take their own life (or live in an indoctrinated state of shame) because of the way God has created them; and the way the institution has treated them.
I wanted to stand up for K.C. I had to tell his story.

And you know what else? He’s had a hard time since. People have actually called him a false prophet and the antichrist. The Antichrist. He’s “saddened” by this. Which automatically makes him a better person than I am because I’m just pissed off about it. He’s also not backing down. And he’s not backing down because he believes ~ and wants us to know ~ That Christians are not carried by one voice. That there are Christians (for me, especially the Lutherans) who will speak a word of God's Grace (love) for all people regardless of who they are, where they come from, where they have been, and where they are going. I believe all people are created in the image of God; and what God wants for us in community is loving, caring, faithful relationships. I want the LGBT (and the straight) community to know salvation does not come through sexuality, it comes through God, who chooses all of us - to give us life - and God has a place for Everyone at the table.

So…talk to me about Thanksgiving again. Ask me what I’m giving thanks for this year. I have an answer. This particular Pagan is giving thanks for an ass-kicking, conscience-speaking Lutheran pastor, Lee Miller, who reminds me that not every voice that speaks, speaks against me, my husband, my friends and family. Who reminds me that while the country and Christianity may be becoming more conservative, there are indeed still people standing with us. Who reminds me I don’t always have to be the cynic. And that’s worth being thankful for.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

October 2009

2009-10-14T15:22:00.000-07:00

Ah, Poppets, it’s Autumn again and you know I love Autumn. As always, there’s so much I could write about. However, this month, I’m going to talk about an issue I have mentioned in passing before, but think it’s time to address it more fully.

October is, as some of you may know or remember, Domestic Violence Awareness Month. And guess what? As much as we want it to be, as much as we want to pretend otherwise, domestic violence isn’t just a straight issue. In fact, according to the National Resource Center on Domestic Violence, “same-sex battering mirrors heterosexual battering both in type and prevalence” {This material was reprinted/adapted from the publication titled Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Trans (LGBT) Communities and Domestic Violence: Information and Resources (2007) by the National Resource Center on Domestic Violence} which translates into 25-33% of all lesbian and gay couples (The NW Network of Bi, Trans, Lesbian and Gay Survivors of Abuse, http://www.nwnetwork.org/).

So…what? Why do you care? Maybe you don’t and maybe I can’t make you.

But maybe you haven’t realized that statistically, you know a victim of domestic violence. Think about it. Statistically, one in every four intimate relationships includes some kind of domestic violence. Domestic violence can be physical, emotional, verbal, and/or sexual. Even between same-sex individuals, it is never a “fair fight” nor is the more “butch” or physically more masculine member of the couple always the batterer. Domestic violence will include fear, shame, and intimidation. And you know someone who is experiencing this right now.

Or maybe you didn’t realize you weren’t the only LGBT victim of domestic violence. You believed the myth that domestic violence just doesn’t occur within our community, so this doesn’t count. Or that because you fight back to defend yourself, it’s not really domestic violence. Or because your partner “only” calls you names, doesn’t hit you, it’s not really domestic violence. Maybe you believed that you aren’t in the “right” group of people to be a victim.

Maybe you weren’t aware. But now you are. If you or someone you care about is in an abusive relationship, you aren’t alone. If you think you or someone you care about might be in an abusive relationship, you aren’t alone. There is help, as close as Seattle. The NW Network of Bi, Trans, Lesbian and Gay Survivors of Abuse is there, ready to listen, ready to believe you. Contact them in whatever way makes you most comfortable here: PO Box 18436, Seattle, WA 98118 or (206)-568-7777 or info@nwnetwork.org. Their office hours are Monday-Friday, 9:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m.

It’s time to be aware, Poppets. This month and the other eleven in the year, too. Enjoy Autumn – I will – just remember to take care of you, and each other.

An Aside

2009-09-08T15:48:00.000-07:00

Hi Poppets! This is just between you, my blog readers, and me ~ not an official Betty Pages posting. For the first time ever, I have permanent links now. Check them out here and then monthly (at least) over in my blogroll if you're interested.

First, The Betty Pages are now online, so you can read everything each month, not just my articles here (although I do hope you'll keep stopping by here, just to say hi occasionally).

Second, allow me to introduce you to Kale Naylor, a promising young author in the LGBT erotica field. I'm very excited to watch his career take off and be able to say I followed him from the beginning.

And, finally, look what I have just recently discovered: Romance Writers of America has an LGBT chapter. It's even online so it doesn't matter where you live. As an LGBT-themed writer, it pleases me no end when mainstream organizations such as RWA embrace, promote and advocate for us.

I'm excited about all three and I wanted to share with you. The next regular post will be out in a few more weeks. Until then, Poppets, drop me a line and take care of you.

September 1, 2009

2009-09-01T09:24:00.000-07:00

Hi Poppets! Have you enjoyed your summer? As you’ve read, I certainly have. But don’t get me wrong, in the midst of Pride, the beaches of Mexico and looking at very attractive people in bathing suits, I really have been paying attention to what’s happening in the rest of the world.

Apparently, gay marriage has taken a backseat these days to Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. A dear friend of mine is the husband of a closeted soldier. I’ve never had the opportunity to meet my friend’s husband because he has been deployed for so long. God forbid something happen to my friend’s husband, my friend will have to find out through the grapevine. He has no legitimacy. My ex-husband is in the military. We struggled for a long time about going to clubs with our gay friends where they could be comfortable because we had to decide if simply walking into a gay club could be construed as “telling.” Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell needs to be repealed.

It needs to be repealed in the military – and everywhere else, too. What am I talking about? The military may be the only organization that has legislated and turned DADT into legal statute, but it is far from the only place it exists.

As I’ve discussed here before, David was never comfortable coming out at work. Then he ended up with a new company and we expected to be relocating to Mexico, so we put an identifying decal on our car. Now, he’s still in the same industry, we haven't relocated to another country, and he's wary about who might recognize the acronym and know it for what it is. Because, even with this new company, the industry is the same and it’s safer to Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.

A friend of mine is a teacher at a middle school in a very conservative town somewhere south of the Mason-Dixon Line. He and his partner have been together more than ten years. Not only have they never come out as a couple, not only have they never lived together, they cannot even justify relocating so they live in the same town. Their physical safety, let alone their jobs, is a real concern. Might people suspect? Probably. But love, acceptance, employment and safety are all dependent upon Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.

Another friend of mine is a firefighter and an EMT in poster-child-for-LGBT-rights Massachusetts. Only he lives and works in a town small enough that I bet you’ve never even heard of it. Hopefully, by the end of the year, he and his husband will be parents. But it has taken the adoption for my friend to come out, to acknowledge his husband is more than his roommate. And yes, there has been a backlash for daring to speak out when everyone else had been happy with Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.

DADT needs to go away. It needs to go away in the military. I want to meet my friend’s partner. I want my friend to have the rights of any spouse. But DADT needs to go away everywhere else, too. We cannot demand it of the military until we offer it to everyone – and we cannot offer it to everyone until it isn’t legislated against anyone.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

August 1, 2009

2009-08-01T10:12:00.000-07:00

I'm intrigued, Poppets, by a trend I've noticed. And perhaps trend is too strong a word because there have been no studies, no polls. Just me observing. But what I've observed is this: men identifying as straight are showing up on (mostly hookup) sites aimed at gay and bi people. You'll be looking, enjoying the scenery and there will be a profile with “straight” as the orientation. Intriguing...

So, my question is why? On the bi sites, are these guys looking for two women who may be fashionably bi? Or who might be looking for a sperm donor? The first, perhaps. The second, not so much probably. There are far more reliable ways to find a sperm donor than hookup sites. Regardless, though, I can at least comprehend why a straight man would hang out at a bi hookup site. There are women there. There are even women who make love to other women there, and if that's not the stereotypical straight guy fantasy, I don't know what is.

What intrigues me more, though, is why hang out at a gay site as openly straight. These men aren't self-identifying as curious or questioning or even mostly straight or closeted (all of which are options on some of the sites). Nope. These are guys just saying flat out “I'm straight. Here's a picture of my penis.” On a gay site.

David and I were talking about this phenomenon the other day and came up with a few ideas. Perhaps society is shifting enough, has gotten to the LGBT tipping point, that it is becoming safer to come out, to explore, to acknowledge. Only these guys are still at the baby steps stage and it's a big enough deal to have a profile up on these sites. Actually identifying as anything other than straight is still going to have to take a little while. Remember, coming out is still a very big deal for a lot of people and people are still losing their jobs, their families, their friends, and yes even their lives for doing so. Here in the United States. In spite of what Perez Hilton would have us believe, it still ain't easy everywhere. So, we are at the shift and it's easier and safer, if still not easy and safe.

Another option David came up with (that's sadly a real possibility and ties into the above paragraph), perhaps some of these are men who are just looking for some gay bashing. Personally, I think this is a stupid thing but men who are looking to gay bash aren't exactly Mensa members, either, so...

Finally, I proffer the suggestion that some of these men really are gay but are having a hard time finding a hookup or are just legitimately players so are presenting as straight. Because if two women together is a stereotypical straight man fantasy, let's be honest, a straight man is a stereotypical gay man's fantasy. So, these guys are, according to this theory, presenting as straight in order to play the role and get the score.

However, the truth of the matter is I have no idea why straight guys would hang out on gay hookup sites. I would like to think it's because we are becoming more comfortable and more accepting of our sexuality as individuals and as society. Wouldn't that be lovely if it was true? But I just don't know. So I'm intrigued and asking you, Poppets, do you have any idea? If you are a self-identifying straight man who has a profile up on a gay site, or a gay man who knows someone, or has met someone under those circumstances (or hell, just want to drop a line and say hi about something unrelated entirely), write me at lifeandtimesofbridget@gmail.com. Otherwise, I'll just keep speculating and being intrigued.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

July 2009

2009-07-01T16:06:00.000-07:00

Ooooo, Poppets! I spent most of the month of June in Mexico. This, my friends, did not suck. Because we were there for David's work, we weren't only in the tourist areas, either, but got to see some very local places and meet some very local people. If you've ever been to a tourist trap in any country, you know what I mean.

We also became very good friends with an amazing man and David's Mexican counterpart. He is, obviously, in the same field as David – the one in which, here in the States, David is concerned about coming out – is about the same age, a Major in the Mexican military, and totally straight. He is also one of the most open and accepting people either one of us has ever met. As first they, and then we, traveled the country, our friend saw everything with the astute eye you would expect from a high ranking official in the military. He came to know and understand David as an individual. He came to know and understand us as a couple. Nothing was said about it. There was no need for sideways glances, awkward jokes or discomfort. We were all just who we are.

This is amazing enough but wait! There's more. The entire southern part of the country is like this. Get away from the border areas and the world relaxes. People touch and kiss and are comfortable with each other. No one has to prove anything to anyone. Two women, topless, touching hands under a beach umbrella aren't worth a second look. Two men putting sunblock on each other's backs by the pool could be brothers or lovers, for all the attention they draw from the locals.

Is it a perfect country? Of course not. No where is. And please note, I talk about the Southern states, not the Northern ones, by the US border. There's a reason for this. Is it, however, a friendly country? Oh hell yes. Far more so than I expect or am used to from the US.

So if you're looking to get away any time soon, consider southern Mexico. And may I specifically recommend Playa del Carmen. Sure, it's more touristy than some of the other places I've spent my month of June but, mi Dios, it's gorgeous and as welcoming as anywhere else. Stop by the Blue Mosquito if you get the chance. It'll restore your soul. At least, it's restored mine.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

June 1, 2009

2009-06-01T09:30:00.000-07:00

Happy Pride, Poppets! It’s that time of year again and what a year it is going to be. If you are like my friend, Robin, for whom Pride is more important than Thanksgiving and Christmas combined, like my dear David, whose schedule has never allowed him to attend a single Pride event, or somewhere in between, this is a special time for us and our community. As residents of the Bellingham area, we are practically ground zero for some amazing events, too, so grab your calendars and let’s talk events!

Portland has the first Pride in the area. The festival runs Saturday, June 13th and Sunday, June 14th, at Tom McCall Waterfront Park. Saturday the hours are noon to 11:00 pm; Sunday is noon to 6:00 pm. The Parade itself starts Sunday at 11:00 a.m. More information can be found at: www.pridenw.org

Seattle, closer and probably easier to access, comes next, the weekend of June 26th through 28th. Start the weekend with PrideFeast Friday the 26th. Parts of the proceeds from many restaurants will go to nonprofits that aid and assist the LGBT community. Check www.pridefeast.org soon for a list of participating restaurants. On Saturday, head over to the Volunteer Park Amphitheater by 2:00 for Celebrate Stonewall. It’s the 40th anniversary of Stonewall. Let’s give respect, folks. Then finally Sunday, the Parade starts at 11:00 am. Main stage performances run from 1:00 pm to 6:00 pm with music from the DJ stage from 11:00 am to 7:00 pm. More information can be found at: www.seattlepridefest.org

Beautiful Bellingham ~ and Betty Desire herself ~ bring Pride home July 10th, 11th, and 12th at Market Place. The Parade itself is on the 12th, starting at noon, with events lasting throughout the day. Be sure to stop by and give Betty the props she deserves!

Finally, we are close enough to help our friends to the north celebrate Pride in Vancouver, B.C. Cross the border for Pride Weekend Launch on July 31st at the Vancouver Arts Gallery. That night, stop by Davie Street, between Bukrhard and Bute at 7:00 pm for the Davie Street Pride Party. August 1st, assuming you haven’t overdone it the night before, Davie Street is again the place to be for the Terry Wallace Breakfast. At 11:00 am, the Sunset Beach Festival begins right on Sunset Beach. Get there early or show up after the Parade, which starts at noon on Robson and Thurlow Streets, in downtown Vancouver. More information can be found at: http://www.vancouverpride.ca

And because I’m me, I have to tell you…if you just happen to find yourself (or want to find yourself) in Boston the week of June 5-14, you’re in for a treat. From the flag raising at noon on June 5 running through the block parties on the 14th, the whole city is about us. More information can be found at: www.bostonpride.org or by emailing me at lifeandtimesofbridget@gmail.com

So there you have it, Poppets – lots of Pride events for those of us who have lots of Pride. Have fun. Enjoy yourselves. Remember the world is watching. Have Pride. And until next month, take care of you.

May 1, 2009

2009-05-01T11:36:00.000-07:00

Hi Poppets! Once again, your intrepid columnist (that’s me) has so many things she could write about. There’s a lot going on right now. I’m keeping an eye on the fact that the Washington legislature has sent a bill that would include transgendered peoples in the hate crime laws to Gov. Gregoire to be signed (don’t betray my vote, Governor, please!) The fact that Alberta, Canada is looking at delisting gender reassignment surgery (for those of you who don’t know – and I had to look it up so don’t feel bad – it means the cost of the surgery would no longer be covered by the state). Plus, I’m listening to/reading/aware of a brouhaha that’s, well, brewing online and in the blogosphere right now about what it means to be an ally, who gets to define an ally, and what is expected when a person chooses to stand with a group or community. Not to mention the major rally that’s taking place in Philadelphia at the beginning of this month and all the other events that will be occurring as summer moves on. Seriously, what’s a girl to do?

In this case, I’m running home to Mama. See, when I was originally invited to write for the Pages, I was asked to write about what was going on back east. To talk about some of the things that aren’t just in the Bellingham/Vancouver B.C./Seattle area. Then I went and moved to the area which kind of screwed the pooch there. However! This month, it’s a return to writing about some things that aren’t necessarily happening in our backyard. In fact, they aren’t happening in anyone’s backyard. Cyberspace, anyone?

As a reader and an activist, I like to keep up with what’s going on in the world and have found the best place to do that is online. That’s where I can get a reality check about what people are really feeling and thinking. As a writer, supporting other writers is important to me, especially ones who aren’t linked into larger parent companies but are just out there, on their own, plugging away. Let me introduce you to three of my favorite writers, currently telling it like it is in cyberspace:

Neo-Prodigy at http://neo-prodigy.livejournal.com/ He is a gay black man living in the American south. He speaks with honesty, humor, and no small amount determination. No one gets a pass. Everyone gets a chance. Feel free to disagree with him but bring your A-game if you do. Mudslinging and blind agreement are both discouraged here but good faith dialogue is welcome. And you’ll want to engage. He’ll make you think; he’ll challenge you; he’ll make you feel; he’ll make you laugh. Seriously, what more could you ask for from a blogger?
Monica Roberts at http://transgriot.blogspot.com/ A black woman who transitioned in 1994, she addresses the hypocrisies and successes of both the straight and the LGBT communities, politics, women’s issues, gender politics, and anything else she wants to, with a clear-sightedness most of us only hope to achieve. She’s also got one of the most comprehensive blogrolls for the transgendered community I’ve ever seen. Well spoken and thoughtful, she’s a must read for anyone who cares about…well, anything. While she’s not exactly alone out there, and is the best known of these bloggers, too many people still don’t know about her. So, here she is.
Then there’s D over at http://gaysoldiershusband.blogspot.com/ His blog title says it best and is pretty self-explanatory, don’t you think? Remember my comments a couple months ago about how same-sex marriage isn’t the only issue facing the LGBT community and shouldn’t be the only one we rally around? Well, here’s a person to put with another one of those issues: Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. This isn’t always a happy blog but you know what? It shouldn’t be.

So there you are, Poppets. Three of my favorite bloggers. Not my favorite LGBT bloggers; just three of my favorite bloggers. Who happen to be LGBT bloggers. I hope you enjoy them as well. Please, no trolling. No blazing. Disagree if you do, but don’t disrespect. Represent Betty Pages readers well. I have faith in you. And don’t be surprised if you hear more about the issues I mentioned earlier. Somehow, I don’t think you will be.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

April 1, 2009

2009-04-01T11:01:00.000-07:00

Ooo Poppets! It’s Spring! Now, I love all four of the seasons. I go a little crazy over a cold, snowy Christmas or a blazing hot Fourth of July. But I’m a real sucker for the transitional seasons – Autumn and yes, Spring.

Now, there are tons of reasons to love Spring. Warmer weather. Flowers blooming. And the return of Famers’ Markets. How can you not love a Farmers’ Market? Absolutely fresh vegetables and fruits; herbs; breads; cheeses; flowers…yeah, a Farmers’ Market is a good thing. Then there are the craft fairs (better known as swap meets, here on the West coast, as I am learning). Artists of just about any ilk, selling beautiful and unique goods, at prices you never see at a mall.

And we’re so incredibly lucky here in Washington because we have some great Farmers’ Markets and craft fairs. I know of about a dozen of them and I’ve only been here about a minute and a half. What makes you lucky is you live in Bellingham, surrounded by at least six different Markets.

The downtown Bellingham Farmers’ Market (www.bellinghamfarmers.org) opens April 4th this year and runs Saturdays through into December, 10:00 a.m. to 3:00 p.m. A combination of farmers’ market and swap meet, you can find fresh produce and wonderful gifts for that someone special (yourself, perhaps?) all season long. In other words, it’s perfect for remembering your mom at Mother’s Day and at Christmas. On June 3rd, the Fairhaven Village Green Bellingham Market opens. Hit the downtown version on Saturdays, then run over to this one Wednesday afternoons, noon to 5:00 p.m. for mid-week replacements of fruits and veggies. It’s close; it’s convenient. Who could ask for more?

But if you are looking for a bit of a roadtrip, you’re still in luck. Working chronologically:

May 16th is the start of the Anacortes Farmers’ Market (www.mountvernonfarmersmarket.org). Running Saturdays through October 10th, from 9:00 a.m. until 2:00 p.m., it’s perfect for early risers (because I’ve heard they do exist; I’m just never awake in time to catch a glimpse of them). While there are farms represented and produce available here, this market leans heavily towards crafts – really lovely crafts.
May 27th, take a drive down to Sedro Woolley some Wednesday after work. You have from 3:00 p.m. to 7:00 p.m. to catch the Sedro Woolley Farmers’ Market (http://www.sedrowoolleyfarmersmarket.com). When my husband and I first started dating, he lived in Sedro, so we hit this market often. It’s smaller but still delightful. We bought a pint of strawberries “to take home.” Um…yeah. We had to buy another pint on the way to the car because the first pint was gone before we’d gotten to the next vendor stall. Trust me; try the strawberries. Once strawberry season is over, you still have until October 14th to enjoy the crafts and other produce seasons.
May 30th brings the Saturday Mount Vernon Famers’ Market (http://www.mountvernonfarmersmarket.org). Also opening at 9:00 a.m. (seriously, who’s up at this hour?) it makes for a closer drive if you don’t want to be up quite that early. Running until 1:00 p.m., even those of us who lag a bit on Saturdays can still get there. Some of us may even decide it’s worth an earlier trip, at least once between May 30th and October 17th when the market closes for the season.
June 10th, though, starts the Wednesday Mount Vernon Farmers’ Market, for those of you who are thinking “No way in hell, Bridget, am I getting to Mount Vernon by one o’clock on a Saturday.” Believe me, I do understand. Which is why I have always been grateful for the Wednesday market. Wednesdays, you have between 2:00 p.m. and 5:00 p.m. to enjoy all the goodies available at the Mount Vernon Famers’ Market. Both Saturday and Wednesday offer a pretty even mix of produce, fresh foods and crafts. Definitely worth a trip.

And these are just the ones right here in the Bellingham area. Don’t forget Seattle and Portland and everywhere in between. After the rain and the unprecedented snows this winter, treat yourself. Spring is here. It’s one of the best seasons to live in Washington. And Farmers’ Markets are part of the reason why.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

A Quick Explanation

2009-03-01T11:51:00.000-08:00

Hi Poppets! You will notice I am posting two articles this month. This is part of why we love the Betty Pages. Let me explain...

I got up on my soapbox originally. I wrote a long, hard (okay, medium-ish) hitting article for the Pages. Then I remembered ~ they had hired me, all those months ago, to be a here's-what's-happening-in-Boston-and-on-the-east-coast columnist. More a Bridget About Town kind of article instead of anything serious. They have been infinitely patient with my forays into the political. So, even though the first article was really the one I wanted in March's Betty Pages, I wrote a second one, just in case, and sent them both off with an explanation and permission to print either one. They asked if they could print both, the lighter piece toward the front of the paper and the heavier one toward the back.

Of course, I said yes. With huge props to Betty and the rest, for being willing to push it a bit. The first article is the lighter one and the second is the "real" one.

Enjoy ~ and take care of you.

March 2009, article 2

2009-03-01T11:00:00.000-08:00

Hi Poppets! Remember last month I mentioned I had been angry recently? My nephew helped with that. Well, this month, I have two stories that have helped some more. Personally, friends of mine have just recently become dads! In the news, Hillary and Julie Goodridge, a couple who were at the forefront of the gay marriage issue in Massachusetts, are divorcing.

Why my friends are adopting gives me faith is obvious. If two people were ever going to make good parents, it’s Rob and Ken. They are intelligent, articulate, sensitive, loving and in love men. They are beautifully balanced, with Rob being heart-based and Ken being head-based. Hell, I wouldn’t mind if they adopted me.

Their story is the (sadly) typical one. The first adoption agency they worked with assured them their orientation wouldn’t be a problem. They met a little boy and all three fell in love – and then the agency “reevaluated” their application and decided that a little boy shouldn’t be raised by them, after all. Needless to say, hearts were broken.

At first, my friends thought they could just switch agencies and find another kid. They switched agencies – but they didn’t just find another kid. When the parent-child bond forms, however it forms, it can’t just be transferred from one child to another. Ask any biological parent, stepparent or adoptive parent. Parents are parents when it comes to loving this specific child. They put their application on hold and took time to grieve the loss of their son. Honestly, I wasn’t sure if they would ever continue the process.

Luckily for their son, they grieved, they healed and they decided they did indeed still want to be parents. They met their son at an adoption open house. As Rob put it, they cornered him and practically wouldn’t let any other couples near him. Last month, it became official. Rob, Ken and their son are legally, as well as emotionally, a family.

Why the Goodridges’ divorce gives me faith isn’t nearly as obvious. Why should the end of a marriage give anyone faith? Isn’t that the sort of thing that actually destroys faith? Well, not necessarily. The whole point of same-sex marriage is that LGBT couples are the same as straight couples. They have the same wants, needs, desires as straight couples and should have the same rights as straight couples. All the same rights, including the right to normalcy, to make mistakes, to realize the marriage isn’t working and to divorce. No healthy straight couple marries with the expectation of divorce. Having watched the Goodridges for the entire time they’ve been public figures, I get the feeling these were healthy women in a healthy relationship. There was never the feeling they wanted to marry just for the publicity, for show, or to be role models. I never felt as if they were marrying just for the good of the community because someone had to do it. Their relationship always struck me as honest, healthy…normal.

And now, just as so many straight couples before them (myself included), these honest, healthy, normal women have realized their marriage needs to be over. I don’t know why they’re divorcing. No one but they know why they’re divorcing and I’m not going to speculate here. The fact is they are. As with any divorce, it’s a sad thing. No one likes to see a marriage break up. Yet, the point is, it’s normal. It’s ordinary. Just like every other divorce ever.

Slowly but surely, the system is beginning to work. I know we still have so far to come. I’m not Pollyanna about it. Far from it. And yet… We’re becoming parents. We’re divorcing. We’re living our lives in normal, ordinary ways, even when normal isn’t only the good stuff. If that’s not what we’re working for, I don’t know what is. And that gives me faith.

Until next month, Poppets, remember I can be reached at lifeandtimesofbridget@gmail.com and take care of you.

March 2009, article 1

2009-03-01T10:30:00.000-08:00

Hi Poppets. Last month, I mentioned that I had been angry for a while. This month – okay, I’m still angry, who am I trying to kid – but I’ve also been mellowed a bit by a major professional success and a wedding. Yep, David and I did it; we got married. And yes, before you ask, we did indeed follow my own suggestions. We used a florist and baker who support the LGBT community; our officiant has performed commitment ceremonies before; and believe me, the function site is hugely LGBT supportive. We got married in our living room.

Being a new bride gave me some interesting perspectives on things. I have health insurance. We can pay taxes jointly. Both David and I have a societal recognition that we didn’t have, even as committed-sharing-lives partners, before the 22nd of February. I understand why marriage is such a huge issue within the community.

And I recognize my privilege. I am a straight woman marrying a man. I haven’t gone through the struggles to accept this side of myself, the way David has. Every state in the nation recognizes that we are legally and lawfully wed. Whatever that intangible is that comes with “marriage” over “domestic partnership” (if it should exist or not, which is a whole different column), exists for us. We aren’t partnered. We aren’t committed. We are married. Huge numbers of people are denied this very basic right and these very special intangibles. I get why marriage is important.

However, being a newlywed has also given me another interesting perspective. It is not the be-all, end-all. It is far from the only important issue within the community. David still can’t come out at work without fear of repercussion. The best situation would be some pilots and crew refusing to fly/work with him. The worst would be losing his job. They’d find a “legitimate” reason to fire him – and it would still come within weeks of his coming out. Already people are treating him differently, being warmer and friendlier since “those rumors weren’t true.”

His son started a new school not long ago. The first week, a young man that some of the kids suspected of being gay was beaten up in the lunchroom. In front of everyone, very publicly. The police were called; the school suspended the kids who did the beating. But you can believe the message was received by the student body.

A friend of mine, an incredibly talented author, has recently been asked for a complete list of his published works by the college where he teaches. It should’ve been something we celebrated. Instead, several of us spent a while thinking about and discussing if he could/should submit his gay erotica, as well as his straight fantasy. In the end, he decided not to because it was too risky.

Nationally, we had a major American corporation, McDonald’s, come out in support of us. No flash, nothing huge, no great publicity, nothing really in it for them. Just quietly, strongly, peacefully say that we as a community and as individual human beings are worthy. We let them take the hit in their books. In essence, we said we didn’t care enough for them to stand with them, while they were standing with us. No wonder they’ve backed down to pressure from the other side.

I’ve heard several people say or write “gay is the new black.” Really? First, let’s set aside the fact that most people in the LGBT community can pass when necessary, can stay closeted when it’s not safe – a gift that the vast majority of black people do not have. Let’s just look at the claim: Gay is the New Black.

Black Americans faced dogs, beatings, hoses, imprisonment and death in order to vote, in order to be safe in their workplaces, their schools, their very homes. In order to be allowed to work. Be allowed to walk and sit and live and stay wherever they chose. In order to be recognized as human beings. And yes, in order to marry whomever they loved. Still, these other tangible rights were far more important than the intangibles that come with being married. They understood this and were willing to stand together, support those who supported them, go to jail and, in more cases than is comfortable to admit, die for the right to be seen as complete and whole human beings.

Yet within the LGBT community, the one issue that has transformed us, that has rallied us, consistently and beyond the latest news cycle, is same sex marriage. When a child is killed for being gay or transgendered, we rage and protest and write our senators…until the furor dies down. We become members of the Human Rights Campaign and send in our checks and shake our heads. But we don’t even buy our coffees from McDonalds, let alone rise up as one when children get beaten, rather than killed, in their schools. We do not demand that our media outlets report it. We do not march on D.C. or Seattle or Atlanta demanding that we be safe from discrimination, in any of its ugly forms. Instead, we rally over…same sex marriage. But Gay is the New Black. No. It’s not. Not when the only thing that lights a fire under our collective butts for any length of time is marriage, and we sit silent otherwise.

Don’t get me wrong, Poppets. I do understand why marriage is important. I’m a privileged newlywed. Marriage, the tangible rights, and intangible emotions that come with it are important. They just aren’t, and shouldn’t be, the most important. Not while we’re still being denied jobs and homes and safety and lives.

And to anyone who would say this column is just subconscious community loathing, I would say, just the opposite. It’s my love of and respect for this community that makes me so angry when I see our short-sighted, narrow goals. We can be better than this. We are better than this. We must be better than this.

Until next month, Poppets, remember I can be reached at lifeandtimesofbridget@gmail.com and take care of you.

February 2009

2009-02-01T11:51:00.000-08:00

You want to know a secret, Poppets? I’ve been angry the past several months. I’ve been trying not to turn into a screaming mee-mee or a raving lunatic – but I’ve been angry, nonetheless. I’ve been angry at the AFA for calling a boycott on McDonald’s for supporting us as a community. I’ve been angry at us as a community for seemingly not caring enough about anything but marriage enough to counter the boycott. I’ve been angry at the people who voted to take our right to marry. I’ve been angry at the racism and bigotry that showed up within our community in response to that vote. Honestly, I’ve been close to giving up. Giving up hope. Giving up faith. Giving up trust.

Then I got an email from my nephew. He’s sixteen. He’s on Facebook (aren’t they all?) He had been communicating with a person from the heart of the Bible Belt. Said person stated that we “all” feel sexual compulsion towards members of the opposite sex and had called homosexuality akin to murder: “just wrong and everybody knows it.” Needless to say, this didn’t help with my anger issues at first. Until I read his response:

As to your comparison of someone acting upon feelings for another of the same gender, to someone committing murder, I find it offensive. While I understand the desire to stick with one theme in a metaphor, I believe that was a step too far. Implying that under the logic that homosexuality is right because it feels right, that murder must be right as well if it in turn feels right is flawed. … As to the 'choice' of being homosexual, I'm afraid I don't have leeway in this particular strain of the conversation. I always try to be open minded, even about something that I feel as strongly about as Gay Rights. However, in this case, I am emphatic. You are indeed mistaken. 'We' do not 'All' feel a compulsion towards members of the opposite sex. … To close, I will refer to the Bible. …you are a Christian. Let’s break that word down. Christian literally means, 'Follower of Christ'. If you were indeed so, would not His words take precedence over any others? Jesus says to Love all. That would, by logic, include those with different sexual tendencies. … I try not to engage in discussions about the Bible however, not being Christian and having never read the Bible. I have however, been raised with strong morals, a love for human-kind, and an understanding of different points of view and preferences. I don't believe that any book, seen by some as word of God or not, should attempt to take away the very human fiber and rights to happiness that all men and women are born with upon this earth.

Dude… I’m still angry, Poppets. I still think we can do and be better than we’ve been – as a community; as a society; as a people as a whole. It still concerns me that there is at least one teenager out there who believes homosexuality is akin to murder - and you know that one isn’t the only one. But that flicker of hope I carry hasn’t gone completely out. Because there’s also at least one teenager who not only gets it but is willing to stand up and speak out for us, against hate - and I have to believe he’s not the only one. I have to hope.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

January 1, 2009

2009-01-01T13:04:00.000-08:00

Hi Poppets! Here it is, 2009. Amazing, isn’t it? Something brand new is beginning. I mean, the world has never seen 2009 before. It’s a time to look forward, a time of fresh starts, a time to leave the past behind us and move forward, fresh, clean and scrubbed shiny. Everything you hated about your life, your job, your body, yourself can be different now, right? At least, that’s what the gyms and the diet centers and the online colleges and the employment agencies and, and, and…and we, ourselves, tell us this time every year.

New Year Resolutions are so common they are practically part of our culture. Depending on the study you read, anywhere between 50% and 90% of us have made at least one resolution based on the turning of the calendar. For most of us, that resolution will be about weight, smoking or finances. Yet the breaking of the New Year Resolutions long about March is so common it’s clichéd. Again, depending on the study, anywhere between 85% and 95% of resolutions are broken. We won’t stick to our diets and workouts, quit smoking or start saving. You know why? Because New Year Resolutions don’t work. There is nothing different or magical about this time of year that makes a personal change any more effective or long-lasting than it would be on some random Tuesday in April. What is different – though hardly magical – is the pressure on us this time of year to make a change. And it’s that pressure, that sense of false possibility, that bothers me.

There’s the societal pressure to make the resolution. There’s the fact that making a resolution inherently includes pressure to keep said resolution. Then there’s the personal pressure. Is there ever personal pressure. First, we beat ourselves up over the weight, smoking, spending, insert your own issue here for the past several months (years, maybe?) to the point that we need to make a resolution about it. Then we put pressure on ourselves for the next several days or weeks to keep the resolution – even though we haven’t been able to lose weight, quit smoking, save money, insert your own issue here, up until now. Oh. Don’t forget the continued lectures about weight, smoking, money, whatever, that are probably continuing in spite of the resolution. Are we having fun yet? Finally, if the pressure actually gets to us and we quit on the resolution (which, to reiterate, 85-95% of us will), there are the stronger lectures and increased dislike of ourselves and our issue than there were before we made the resolution in the first place. And hey, I want to start a new year with self-loathing and recrimination! Whoo-hoo!

I think we have enough people willing to beat us up, call us names, and make us feel less-than without us helping them. I think we have already found reasons enough to beat ourselves up, call ourselves names and make ourselves feel less-than without giving us another one. All buying into the New Year Resolution does is set yourself up to fail. Maybe it’s me, but I can fail often enough all on my own without setting myself up to do it.

Don’t get me wrong. In all seriousness, I am staunch believer in personal growth. If there is something you want to change about your life, you have my support. Just don’t buy into the fact that it has to happen right now or that it is supposed to be easier somehow right now. If you really want to change something, think about picking a date later this month or early February. Change it because you want to change it and because you’re ready to change it. Otherwise, love and accept yourself the way you are, faults and all. Now that’s a resolution I can get behind.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

December 2008

2008-12-01T11:15:00.000-08:00

Ah Poppets! The season of giving is upon us. And what a season this one will be. The predictions are doom and gloom and the economy is in the toilet. Lovely, isn’t it? For some people, giving just won’t be possible this year. If that is the case for you or if you just don’t give, I’m not here to judge that. Not at all. If, however, you are giving this year, I have a few suggestions for you.

In another lifetime, I worked in human services and I can tell you, whatever you give, we’re grateful for. I can also tell you, though, that everybody and their neighbor are donating canned green beans, Stovetop stuffing, Barbie dolls and action figures. And thank God for it because those are the cornerstones of human services holiday drives. Every single can of green beans and Barbie doll will find a home, I promise.

However, there are other needs as well. And you know what people aren’t donating? People aren’t donating…

wrapping paper, ribbon and tape (because sometimes it’s really nice for a parent to be able to wrap his or her kids’ presents);
artificial Christmas trees, ornaments and stockings (because, seriously, every kid should have these);
stocking stuffers (because there is little sadder than an empty stocking);
gifts for teenagers - especially teenage boys* (because everybody likes to get things for the little ones but how tough is it to be 13 and watch your younger siblings get gifts while you get…nothing);
full-sized toiletries (because guess what? people still need to brush their teeth!);
gift cards for gas stations (because sometimes the greatest gift you can give a family is a way to get to work);
board games the whole family can play (because it’s nice to come together occasionally);
books (because yes, kids really do still read);
adult-sized underwear - especially men's (because adults are in need this time of year, too);
AA batteries (because people donate the electronics but forget about the batteries to run them. I wish I was joking.)

*I put the asterisk there because teenage boys tend to be the most difficult category to buy for so here are some specific suggestions: ballcaps for our local teams; gloves; t-shirts with funny sayings on them; posters of bands or cars or sayings (not religious, please); walkmen (with the batteries!); clever boxer shorts; gift certificates for CD's; backpacks, gloves and scarves; art supplies like sketchbooks, paints and pencils; "How To" books; and science fiction, adventure or action novels.

Now, Poppets, seriously, I meant it when I said you don’t have to give. I meant it when I said Thank God for green beans and stuffing. However, many of us do start thinking of giving at this time of year. So, if you’re going to give anyway, why not give a little something different?

If you’re giving or not, if you’re celebrating a religious holiday or a secular one, wherever and whoever you are…My warmest wishes to you, Poppets. Until next month, be safe, be sane, call a cab…and take care of you.

November 2008

2008-11-01T11:21:00.000-07:00

Hi Poppets! So, did you vote? Because, thanks to Washington state’s election laws, you could have last month (I did – but why do I think you aren’t surprised?) Depending on when you are reading this, you still could vote if you haven’t yet so don’t be discouraged or embarrassed or, worse, apathetic. Vote. Please. This is the most important election of our lives, Poppets, regardless of which side of the aisle you’re on. Now isn’t the time to be sitting on your butts, thinking it doesn’t matter or your vote doesn’t count. It does. You do. We do. Vote. Please. And if you aren’t reading this until after November 4th, did you vote?

Now, because a good ¾ of the month is post-election, I will get off my soapbox and focus on something else – but you knew I was going to climb up there, just for a moment or two, didn’t you? Of course you did. However! Now it’s time to focus on something else, something fun. The holidays. Ooooo! I do love the holidays. In fact, I turn into some kind of freaky gothic Martha Stewart from Halloween right on through the new year. I’m a little nauseating, I admit it.

I do recognize that not everyone has this same reaction, though. For some people, it’s just a two month source of stress. If that’s the case, then this article is for you, Poppet. Here are some ideas for Thanksgiving, Christmas/Yule and New Year’s Eve that might make things a little easier this year.

Thanksgiving traditional – Go ahead and make plans with your friends now. Invite everyone over for a house party. Ask everybody to bring their favorite dish to share, after all, who says the host has to provide everything? Be open to turkey, stuffing, green bean casserole and tofu salad or curried lamb. Sure, it’s traditional but it can be personal as well. Invite a close group of friends or interesting people you think need to meet each other. Try to invite someone else who might be alone or stressed. You could make someone’s season. Put on some music and dance. Play charades or Pictionary. Swap stories about your best and worst Thanksgivings ever. Be sure to laugh. Don’t stress over decorations or the perfect menu or the just so place settings. Remember, this isn’t a holiday about keeping up with anybody. It’s about giving thanks.

Thanksgiving nontraditional – The Canadian border is really close (about 30 minutes to about an hour and half, probably, depending on where you picked up this month’s Betty Pages.) They celebrated Thanksgiving last month. What that means to you is you have a long weekend and they are open for business. Fill up your gas tank – or better yet, buy a bus ticket – grab your birth certificate or passport and go explore Victoria or Vancouver. Who says you have to celebrate an American holiday in America anyway?

Christmas/Yule traditional – This can be very similar to a traditional Thanksgiving. In fact, you can invite the same group of people if everybody had a good time. Why not? Families celebrate the holidays with the same group of people all the time. Today, though, ask everyone to bring along a small gift as well as a dish to share. After dinner – but perhaps before the eggnog gets flowing too freely – do a present exchange. Everyone gets a little something fabulous. If you can afford it, add a small, more personalized stocking for every guest as well. And yes, play carols on the stereo and/or have your favorite Christmas specials on the television in the background. It is, after all, a traditional celebration.

Christmas/Yule nontraditional - Turn up the heat, dig the blender back out, put on your favorite swimsuit and have a beach party. Winter is cold and grey and icky. So screw it. Bring back summer, even if it’s just in your apartment.

New Year’s Eve traditional – Seriously, head to Rumors. Or Neighbors. Dress up as your most fabulous self and go dance your ass off. Just remember to take a cab home. Please.

New Year’s Eve nontraditional – Why not stay home this year? Even if it means being alone. You’re pretty good company, if you want the truth. And we don’t spend enough time with ourselves anyway with all the running around that happens during the holidays. Go to the grocery store. Buy your favorite party foods that you never get to eat (my favorite is that cheese ball with the unidentifiable nuts all over it; yeah, nothing remotely like cheese or even, really, food but I still love the things), rent four or five of your favorite movies. Take a bath or shower and change into your most comfy pajamas (guys, you’ve got them, too, you know you do.) If you are lucky enough to have a fireplace, light one. If not, light some candles and settle down. Let yourself be. Ring in the new year peacefully, quietly and happily. That’s not such a sucky way to start 2009.

So there you have it, Poppets. My suggestions for a wonderful holiday season. Let me know how they go or if you have any other ideas. I’d love to hear at lifeandtimesofbridget@gmail.com Otherwise…

…until next month, Poppets, take care of you. (So…did you vote?)

October 2008

2008-10-01T10:05:00.000-07:00

Hi Poppets! October is always a difficult month for me to be a columnist. Without very strict guidelines about what I’m supposed to write, there are simply too many choices. Even in a non-election year, it’s easy to get political and socially aware.

See October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. How easy would it be to write about how domestic violence within the community is ignored so often? The fact that it is seen as a straight problem. How it is often considered a betrayal of the community to out an abuser. Or simply because the abuser is the more femme one in the relationship, so it can’t possibly really be abuse. Or how a fight between two people of the same gender automatically makes it “fair” so it can’t possibly be abuse? And how so many people go without getting help from counselors, police, shelters, hotlines, their friends and family, simply because domestic violence “doesn’t exist” in the community. It would be so easy to reassure you, Poppets, that if you feel you are in an abusive relationship, you don’t have to hide. That there are indeed services available to you, right here in Washington. That if you are male, female or transgendered, you can contact the North West Network at PO Box 18436, Seattle, 98118 or call them at (206) 568-7777 and they will listen, they will believe you, they will help. It would be easy to write about how you are not alone and you do not have to be afraid.

But it is an election year. One of, if not the, most important election years many of us have ever seen. If you are liberal or conservative, Democrat, Republican or Independent, there are certain facts that are undeniable. Financial institutions are going under. Unemployment is rising. The Supreme Court justices are getting older. The next president of the United States will be in a position to sign or veto: the Matthew Shepard Act; nondiscrimination laws that protect all members of our community, including transgendered peoples; a bill amending the Constitution to define marriage as between a man and a woman. He will also, most probably, appoint as many as three Supreme Court justices to the bench, where they will serve for the rest of their lives. If you have a good, stable job, it’s easy to ignore the economy. If you aren’t connected to anyone in the military, it’s easy to ignore the war. But the rest of this, these are issues that affect us and our lives directly. These are the issues we cannot afford to ignore, whatever side of the aisle we are on. So how much easier does this election year make it to write a socially aware, political article?

And yet, in spite of all that, it’s Autumn. My favorite season. There’s that fabulous smell in the air. The leaves start to change. It becomes cool enough during the day to warrant a light sweater and cooler at night so it’s perfect for snuggling in front of a fire. Seattle hosts the LGBT Film Festival. Harvest festivals spring up at local farms and farmers’ markets and even the zoo. Haunted houses and corn mazes are put on by high schools and in parking lots. Decorations from fun and witchy to gentle reminders of Harvest show up. Pumpkins and apple cider and hay rides, all leading up to the fabulously over-the-top night that can be Halloween. The time for parties, revelry and festivities that will last through the New Year officially begins. How can I not write an article about my favorite season?

Yep, Poppets, it’s true. October is the most difficult month for me to be a columnist. Too many choices, too many articles begging to be written. So, I won’t choose. I’ll simply remind you that you’re not alone, to be aware and to enjoy the onset of Autumn.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

Subscriptions

2008-09-28T18:42:00.000-07:00

Hi Blog Poppets! We're breaking from the norm here for just a moment. This isn't an article but more like a PSA. Or maybe I should call it a BSA ~ a Betty Service Announcement. I have just learned that people outside the catchman area of the Betty Pages can get a subscription. It is, however, expensive. Still, I figure it's my job to let you know about it, not to decide it's too expensive. So, here's the info (and at least they realize it's expensive!):

... anyone (in the U.S. anyway) is more than welcome to purchase a subscription. The cost is $40 for 1 year (12 issues). We handle so few subscriptions that currently we pay full retail for all of the materials and postage, but if we get more as time goes on, renewal rates may be lower in the future.

To start a subscription, just have them send a check or money order payable to “Desire Enterprises” along with a delivery mailing address to:

The Betty Pages - Subscriptions
c/o Desire Enterprises
PO BOX 2724
BELLINGHAM WA 98227-2724

There you have it. If you want the full Betty Pages, you can get the full Betty Pages. If you want to just keep reading my columns, The Life and Times of Bridget Adams remains absolutely free.

Until next time, Poppets, take care of you.

September 2008

2008-09-01T13:11:00.000-07:00

Hi Poppets! It is truly a great thing when an article writes itself. I actually could’ve sent this in within 24 hours of submitting last month’s column – and almost did – so, if anything, I’m coming to this party a little late. Still, I decided not to bombard Richard and Betty with articles last month so I’m just asking this question now: Have you started eating at McDonald’s yet?

Odds are excellent that you know why I’m asking but for those of you who don’t, a quick summary. The American Family Association (AFA) has called for a boycott of McDonald’s because they have given monies to the National Gay and Lesbian Chamber of Commerce and now hold a seat on its board of directors. The AFA describes itself this way: a non-profit organization that “represents and stands for traditional family values, focusing primarily on the influence of television and other media – including pornography – on our society.” (citation – www.afa.net, permission granted under copyright) They have this to say about the boycott: “the boycott is not about hiring homosexuals; it is not about homosexuals eating at McDonald’s; it is not about how homosexual employees are treated. … It is about McDonald’s as a corporation, refusing to remain neutral in the culture wars. McDonald's has chosen not to remain neutral but to give the full weight of their corporation to promoting the homosexual agenda, including homosexual marriage.” (citation - http://www.boycottmcdonalds.com, permission granted under copyright)

It sounds pretty reasonable. While I respect corporations that take a stand on political issues, I don’t disrespect corporations that remain neutral. Remaining neutral and maintaining the status quo is a perfectly legitimate corporate response. After all, they aren’t in business to be political; they are in business to make money. That’s what corporations do. So what’s my issue?

The AFA states the boycott is solely about McDonald’s not remaining neutral. It’s not, according to them, about McDonald’s supporting the LGBT community. They just didn’t remain neutral.

Only when Exxon merged with Mobile and took away domestic partnership rights, that wasn’t remaining neutral. That was switching out the status quo. Yet there was no call from the AFA for an Exxon boycott. No outrage that Exxon hadn’t remained neutral, hadn’t maintained the status quo. Too vague for you? According to the AFA website, they “…also believe in commending those companies which act responsibly regarding the programs they support.” (citation – www.afa.net, permission granted under copyright) So…what happened to neutrality? Apparently, neutrality is in the eye of the beholder as far as the AFA is concerned.

Think this boycott has no teeth? Think that people won’t give up the convenience of their quarter pounders with cheese just for this? Think again. Some of the most effective boycotts in the country have been spear-headed by the AFA. They helped bring about changes in the corporate policies of Wal-Mart, 7-11 and Burger King. These aren’t little Mom and Pop places, holding on by a thread. When the AFA calls for action, they get results.

So let’s call for a little action ourselves. Let’s put our money where our mouths are, almost literally. Even if you dislike their food, McDonald’s sells coffee, sodas, tea and bottled water. They have salads that don’t completely suck. Vegetarian, vegan or health guru, there is still something you can buy at McDonald’s. If you want, follow that up with contacting McDonald’s directly. Let them know you support them, that you are intentionally giving them your money. But mostly, give them your money. Let the AFA boycott loudly. We can spend quietly. And if enough of us do, we’ll speak volumes.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

August 2008

2008-08-01T01:30:00.000-07:00

Hi Poppets! God, but I’m loving the Pacific Northwest. Yes, my heart will always belong to Boston but let me tell you, it doesn’t suck out here.

I’ve spent the last 35 years – I’ll give myself until the age of three – never quite fitting in, being the freak. Luckily, I have been able to surround myself with amazing friends who love me because of and in spite of my quirks. My family has been supportive of who I am, even when they really didn’t get it. For all of them, the fact that I don’t quite fit in is part of my charm.

Outside, though, in the bigger world, people haven’t always been as accepting. I rarely engender a neutral reaction in people. Upon seeing me, not even meeting me, just seeing me, people usually have a strong reaction. Sometimes it is adoration. Sometimes it is disgust bordering on abhorrence. While I never try to create reactions, I also no longer worry about not creating them. I just go about my business and my life and let people react however they are going to react. I smile at the people who like me. I smile bigger at the people who don’t. My sister had often heard me explain this phenomenon but had only experienced the positive responses until we were at the mall one day. As we were leaving, she said “Bridget, I saw it a lot today. You mean it when you say they hate you, don’t you?” Yeah. I mean it.

Until I came out here.

Seattle has more burlesque shows, drag performances and pin-up clothing shops than I have been able to visit in a year. But it’s not just that.

One weekend, David and I were at a hotel in Vancouver (WA, not BC) and stepped out so he could have a smoke. It was late. We’d been playing. And while we were street legal, we were hardly in jeans and t-shirts. When we saw there was another couple – dressed in formalwear, nonetheless – already on the smoking balcony, we almost didn’t go out. Thank goodness we did. We ended up having the most lovely conversation with the King and Queen of the Vancouver community. (As an aside, my goal in life is to be as beautiful as she was. *sigh*)

Another night in Portland, I was asking a young woman about tattoo artists in the area. When she asked what I was looking for, I pulled up my skirt and showed her the large, intricate tatt that runs the length of my calf. It has always been described as “scary” so I was prepared. She looked at it and said “Well, that’s pretty standard so really anyone in town could do something like that.”

Poppets, out here, I’m normal. Hell, I’m positively mundane…and I love it. I have never wanted to fit in, to conform to societal rules, to be *that* girl. I enjoy wearing heels with Capri pants and corsets to a nice dinner. I laugh when I’m happy and don’t worry about if people stare. I’m bad at dropping hints and good at asking for what I want. I own my space and expect others to own theirs. And yes, I have flames and a broadsword up my left calf.

At the same time, I have never wanted to stand out for the sake of standing out. I have always just wanted to be me and to have that be okay with the wider world. Sadly, that hasn’t always been the case. Until now. In a place where “normal” can mean anything, even me.

So enjoy the rest of your summer. Embrace everything you are. Break a couple societal rules and breathe easy. You’re as normal as I am.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

July 2008

2008-07-03T00:23:00.000-07:00

Hi Poppets! I admit it, California’s supreme court ruling has me practically mushy. Yes, even cynical, jaded, little ol’ me has a soft inside. Sometimes. But when George Takei, Mr. Sulu himself, can finally get married, well, if that doesn’t get my romantic side in gear, I don’t know what would. As my sister put it, I’m not sure I’ve cared about a celebrity wedding…Ever.

There is another side of California’s ruling, though. One that has nothing to do with warm fuzzies or happily ever after. It’s purely economic. According to a UCLA study, gay marriages could pump over $650 million into California’s economy and create over 2000 new jobs. That’s impressive. At the beginning of a recession, when many small businesses are just hoping to hold on, that’s even more impressive.

Which got me thinking (that cynical, jaded side never goes away for long): How many of these vendors would have welcomed same-sex couples a year ago? Or three? How many would have supported the LGBT community before we were the big economic boom?

I don’t have an answer. But I do know there are vendors here in Washington who do support the community. Right now. In spite of laws that say we can’t actually marry. In spite of the fact that openly supporting us can still cause a backlash. That’s impressive. At the beginning of a recession, when many small businesses are just hoping to hold on, that’s even more impressive.

It’s only a matter of time before the laws change. We will be able to marry the person we love, regardless of gender, here in Washington. I truly believe this. Which makes it more important that we support the businesses – right now – that support us, right now.

Next time you need something, go to www.purpleunions.com or www.gayweddings.com or www.lambda-gay-weddings.com and search for local businesses. Use the caterers you find here for your next office party. Hire these photographers to shoot your family portraits. Take vacations at these bed and breakfasts. Send flowers from these florists to your parents on their anniversary. And if you are going to California, consider paying the extra to have a local officiant come with you. Wouldn’t you rather know the person standing in front of you, anyway?

Our weddings are going to be big business in time. It’s up to us to give these vendors that time. They are the ones who deserve to reap the economic benefit that will eventually come. They are the ones who deserve to still be in business in a year or two or five when they can be our wedding caterer, florist, site, etc. They are the ones who support us. Let’s us support them.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

June 2008

2008-06-04T10:32:00.000-07:00

Hi Poppets! Something that I’ve realized is themes tend to show up in several places at once in my life. If I am dealing with an issue, my friends and family are probably dealing with the same issue. And even, occasionally, that theme will show up societally. This time is no different. The theme that is presenting itself right now is the concept of being “too” something or “not enough” something. In other words, stereotypes.

Nationally, we are seeing it in the presidential race. Depending on who you ask, Barack Obama is often seen as “too black.” Think I’m wrong? Check out the interviews out of the West Virginia primary. Not just the results but the interviews themselves. Hillary Clinton has stopped wearing skirts to keep from being seen as “too girly.” Think I’m wrong? Go back to the flap she instigated by wearing a blouse that showed her collarbones during one of the debates. John McCain – John McCain! – is being accused of being both “too conservative” and “too liberal” all at once. Quite a feat for a lifelong, well-established Republican.

Personally, I have black friends who are dealing with being told they are “too white.” I, often, get accused by people who don’t know me well, of trying to be black – which is really the same thing as saying I’m “not white enough.” And currently, my gay male partner, David, is being told he isn’t gay enough by many in the gay community but isn’t straight enough by people in the straight community. My presence simply confuses both factions. Too straight because he has a strong woman as a partner; too gay to have a strong woman as a partner.

Ummmm…Hm. Okay.

Now, as far as David goes, I can understand a certain level of confusion. Here is a gay man who has fallen in love with and chosen to partner with a person and this person is female. I am not the least offended when people ask us questions for clarification or curiosity. It’s when people start getting angry at him and excluding him from his community, when people start accusing me of being nothing more than a fag hag, when people start insisting we meet certain behavioral standards, that I start getting angry back. Especially when, in other circles, people get angry with him for not being “manly” enough and upset with me for being with someone who is “too soft.”

What, after all, is gay enough? Does David have to dress flamboyantly? Use the word “fabulous” all the time? Act and behave like Carson Kressley or Jack from “Will and Grace” to be “gay enough?” Or must he chew down trees and only wear ball caps before he is “straight enough?” Trust me, this man behaves…like himself. He is the same person in a straight crowd, in a gay crowd, in a mixed crowd, and here at home.

And again, we aren’t the only ones facing criticism and judgment for not fitting into stereotypes. A man I know is also facing the “not black enough” issue. He is well spoken, has two degrees, doesn’t use the n-word to describe his friends and wears suits to work. Somehow, this is seen as selling out and not staying real. As wanting to be white. Since when is wanting an education, to speak well and to present oneself appropriately in a work environment selling out? Okay. I know the answer to that question. Since always. My real question is Why are we still buying into it?

I understand the social need to form community. We come from different cultures, different backgrounds, different locations. Finding people who accept us, where we can be comfortable, is part of living a vital, safe and interesting life. Embracing our cultures, if they are ethnic, regional or personal, helps us define ourselves and gives us an anchor. I really do understand this.

And yet…we are intelligent, complex creatures. Why are we still holding each other up to very specific attitudinal and behavioral standards before granting acceptance? We teach our children that it doesn’t matter if a person is gay or straight, black or white, rich or poor. What matters is who the person is, that the person has a good heart, has integrity, values kindness. At what point in growing up and becoming adults do we forget that? At what point does how a person dresses or speaks or gesticulates become more important than if they are someone you would like to call friend?

Last month, I wrote about living in a polarized society. Guess what? I wasn’t wrong. I just don’t see why we have to keep making it that way. We cannot get rid of racial differences. We will not get rid of economic differences in our lifetimes. And we shouldn’t (in my opinion) get rid of cultural differences. But I truly believe we can get rid of the insistence that the differences are necessary. We just need to decide that no one is “too” anything and that everyone is “enough.” It won’t be easy. But I have faith we can do it.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

May 2008

2008-05-10T10:36:00.000-07:00

Ah Poppets…we live in such a polarized society. White-Nonwhite. Male-Female. Gay-Straight. Rich-Poor. Old-Young. And sadly, we tend to see our world through either-or lenses instead of both-and lenses.

For so many of us, in order for us to be right, someone else has to be wrong. As a society, we have a difficult time with there being more than one right, a problem with different being equally valid. Even those of us who believe ourselves to be above such traps fall into them occasionally. I know I do. Hell, recently I was on the receiving end of a blunt, well-phrased and definitely deserved scolding from one of my editors (it wasn't me - ed.) for falling into said trap myself. Had I thought the article was offensive at the time I wrote it? Of course not. Yet, did I realize it was, once it was shown to me from a different perspective? Although it’s embarrassing to admit, I have to say yes. It probably was.

This either-or dynamic gets played out in such ways everyday. In little ways, as in my situation. In big ways, as in the current presidential run. Every single one of us can point to a time when we have been seen and treated as less-than. But, if we are truly honest, every single one of us can point to a time when we have seen and treated a person or group as less-than, as well.

I doubt we’ll ever be perfect and maybe that’s okay. Growth can’t come from perfection. At the same time, we can – all of us, including and starting with myself – stay aware and try to be better. Not out of a sense of privilege-based guilt or status-based victimization but because it’s an appropriate thing to do. If nothing else, both-and is more interesting than either-or. Any day.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you – and each other.

April 2008

2008-04-04T20:25:00.000-07:00

Hi Poppets! I’m excited because I’ve been exploring! Finally, I’ve found the Cuff and Purr and the Crypt and…so many places I’m practically aquiver. But I’m also getting ahead of myself…

The first thing I needed was a new hair salon because, while looking fabulous isn’t quite as important as feeling fabulous, let’s face it; it’s a close thing. And finding a salon isn’t easiest thing to do. See, I have long curly hair which is wonderful unless I get a bad cut at which point I look like a poodle mated with Little Orphan Annie. Not a good look. In fact, leaving my old stylist was almost as traumatic as leaving Massachusetts. Luckily for me, my explorations led me to Clay, owner and senior designer of Antonio Melani Salon and Spa.

A small yet elegant shop on Colby Avenue in Everett, Antonio Melani is a dream come true: a talented and knowledgeable staff; an unpretentious yet comfortable atmosphere; and a practically perfect hair cut and dye job. Clay takes his time, asking questions and learning what his clients want. He isn’t afraid to make suggestions but does so without being pushy and will give you whatever you decide on, if it was his suggestion or not. I left looking and feeling fabulous – for a third to a half of the price I would’ve paid downtown.

It was time to explore with confidence and so I did. But Poppets, I’m not nineteen any longer. I can’t live on nightclubs and dive bars alone anymore – although I gave it a good run. However, this development might not be wholly a bad thing when the alternatives are as delightful as the Hi Spot Café in the Madrona neighborhood of Seattle.

Sure, it’s a bit of a drive but so are all of the other Seattle offerings. And on an afternoon when I was a little tired, a little grumpy and a lot in need of a late-afternoon caffeine fix, stumbling into this little café lifted my mood immediately. Mike Walker, proprietor, serves up breakfast, lunch and that much-needed caffeine fix until four in the afternoon every day. The food is delicious and the service just right. But it’s more than that.

The Hi Spot is comfortable, even comforting. The restaurant is cozy without being crowded. It’s the perfect place to linger, people watch, read a book, catch up with a friend, whatever. Consider it an oasis where you can recharge between late nights and dance clubs.

Finding the big places is always great. It makes a town exciting and heady. Finding the little places, though? Well, that’s what makes a town home. I’m glad I’ve found these little places. Check them out next time you’re looking for a little peace and pampering. I think you’ll be glad to find them, too.

March 2008

2008-03-03T20:22:00.000-08:00

Hi Poppets! I have a news flash: Gay men aren’t a fashion accessory. This should be obvious but apparently, for some straight women, it’s not. Now, in the interest of full disclosure, I need to tell you I am a fag hag to my dear friend, Rob, back in Massachusetts and I wear the title of fag diva proudly for my friend, Don, down in Florida. Here’s the thing though: we worked on our relationships. First and foremost, we are friends. The labels are secondary and partly tongue in cheek. And I have many gay friends with whom it wouldn’t dawn on either of us to use the term at all.

There is a debate around the term “fag hag” – is it derogatory, is it complimentary, is it a way of life or single relationship? Its very definition is in question. Regardless of how anyone answers those questions though, my issue is the same. Somewhere along the line, a gay friend has become a favored trophy for a straight girl. And I have a problem with that.

A friend of mine recently had to change his email address and shut down his blog because of a cyber stalker. Her justification was that she was a fag hag so it was all okay. He was supposed to ignore the numerous, lengthy, needy emails that flooded his inbox daily. Ignore her sending mail to his place of business addressed to “My Pickle.” Pretend she wasn’t looking for instant intimacy simply because she was a fag hag. Ummm…no.

There are numerous web sites that women can join proclaiming their fag hag status. Most of my gay friends have at least one horror story of being approached at parties or bars by near strangers asking to be, in essence, instant best friends. Sure, we all have communities where we feel more comfortable than in others. Sometimes, that’s the LGBT community for straight women. I get this. Trust me. But, ladies, just because you are comfortable there doesn’t guarantee every man in the room wants to help you shop, dry your tears or pour out his soul while you eat ice cream tomorrow night.

If you consider being a fag hag a title for a single relationship, the way I do, or if you consider it a way of life, it still requires the agreement, consent and affection of the other person. You have to be friends first. You have to get to know him as a person, not as a token. And save the unrequited crushes for movie stars, please. A gay friend isn’t the way to avoid intimacy, isn’t a surrogate boyfriend, isn’t going to love you the moment you walk into his life just because you walked into his life. If that’s what you want, get a dog. Seriously.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

February 2008

2008-02-02T20:21:00.000-08:00

Hi Poppets. It’s an interesting time, isn’t it? Marriage. Civil unions. Domestic partnership. The great debate. States are scrambling. Congress is scrambling. Presidential candidates are scrambling.

In my opinion, they’ve gotten it right in Massachusetts. Same-sex couples can marry or register as domestic partners. Opposite-sex couples can marry or register as domestic partners. The laws, quite simply, apply to everyone.

It’s different here in Washington. Here, same-sex couples cannot marry but they can register as domestic partners. Opposite-sex couples can marry but they cannot register as domestic partners (unless one of them is over 62 years old.) If you are lesbian or gay and have made a run to Canada or MA, your spouse has no rights but your domestic partner does. If you are straight, your partner has no rights but your spouse does.

There’s something very wrong with this picture.

I have been a human and civil rights activist for a long time now. I have issues that mean more to me, of course, yet if it can fall into the “rights” category, I feel strongly about it. But let’s face it, Poppets: I’m privileged. I’m white. I’m straight. I’ve never been less than middle-class and have spent most of my life upper-middle class. All the sympathy and activism in my heart and in my actions cannot change the fact that societal norms are stacked in my favor. To the point that, if we cannot live in an equal and fair society, since we do not live in a world without privilege, I can and must admit it’s my turn – the turn of the straight, white folks.

Luckily, because I am aware of my privilege and do feel the way I feel, today wasn’t the shock it might have been. Today, for the first time, the laws of my state and my country do not protect me. They do not apply to me. They actively exclude me. You see, I am partnered – deeply, committedly partnered – but not married. And apparently, straight folks are supposed to be married.

Because I haven’t taken my privilege for granted in years, I recognize the pain being denied a right can cause. Because I have been sympathetic for years, I have seen first hand as confusion turns to frustration, turns to anger. What I learned today, though, is that sympathy has nothing on empathy.

So this is what it feels like to have your choices, your status, your very self be negated and invalidated by the law. So this is what it does to your heart, your spirit, your soul to be told that you don’t count. To be told that you cannot care for the person you love; that you cannot make decisions for him should he get sick; that he cannot visit you should you need him. That you cannot see your step-son. That he isn’t even really your step-son. That another person, who has her own agenda, who only wants to exert her power because she can, is more legitimate and more valid than you are.

Honestly, it’s good for me. I wish there was some way, some possible way, for all of us who carry privilege to experience this. If it kicked me in the gut this hard and was such a wake-up for someone like me, imagine the changes it could make in a society who is, for the most part, oblivious.

For now, though, I’ve learned how it feels.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

January 2008

2008-01-01T20:20:00.000-08:00

Hello Poppets! Greetings from Everett, Washington, my new home. Ah…Everett…where most kitchens close by ten p.m.; where most bars are sports bars; where I cannot for the life of me figure out the hours of the Castle. Jaunts into Seattle have been delightful. Everett itself has caused some culture shock for this city girl, I admit it.

Until the other night. The other night, David and I were in need of a change of scenery and a cocktail. There had to be somewhere…interesting, quirky, different…in Everett. And so there is. The Anchor Bar at the very end of Hewitt.

Now, first the disclaimers: I have only been there once and, since David and I present as a hetero couple, I can’t vouch for its LGBT friendliness. If you have information that is counter to this article, please pass it along. I will research it and get back to you. What I can tell you is that the Anchor Bar is, however, alt-friendly. Because although I live on the fringes of the LGBT community, I live smack in the middle of the alt community and my first thought when we walked in was “Yeah, this works.”

The walls are covered with pin-up art (lots of Betty Page – gotta love Betty Page!) and photos of the place going back to the ‘40s. The weekend before we were there, they had hosted a burlesque holiday show. Once a month, they have something called The Rockabilly Rumble. The train runs by, not twenty feet away, rattling the glasses, the bottles, the stools – everything but the regulars.

Those regulars ranged in age from mid-twenties to Jesus-how-old-do-you-think-he-is? There was a guy in biker leathers and another guy in a ball cap. The bartender, Heather, managed to balance being friendly and letting us be, perfectly, which is no small feat to pull off with the newbies in a neighborhood bar. They had my favorite vodka; David’s favorite scotch; and our favorite rum. A hat trick without having to be in a sports bar!

Currently, it’s under construction so it looks more than a little scary both inside and out. Honestly, though, I expect it was a dive bar before the construction and will continue to be a dive bar after the construction. I hope so anyway. Because it’s a dive bar with a quirky character and an unusual atmosphere. In Everett, nonetheless. Yeah, I’ll take that.

So, if you find yourself in Everett on a night the Castle is closed, stop in at the Anchor. The pour is good and the bartender is great. And if you happen to see me, come on up and introduce yourself.

Until then, Poppets, take care of you.

December 2007

2007-12-12T12:13:00.000-08:00

Pssst…Poppets! Hi. It’s still me, in spite of the new name there on the byline. See, I’ve done it. I’ve moved to Washington. Now, I have no problem being as vocal here as I did with being a Bostonian but do you remember how cruel 13 year olds can be? Hell, remember how cruel 49 year olds can be? In an attempt to deflect some of that cruelty, I’m writing under a pseudonym now. But I won’t stop writing. I’m still me. You’re still you. And we’re still us. Ain’t it grand?

So, yes, I have made the move from the east coast to the west. I’m enjoying learning the area. In many ways, Washington already feels as alt-friendly than Massachusetts did. While I already knew Rumors, I have also found Neighbors. People have told me good things about Purr and Cuff. I can’t wait to spend my first paycheck at the Crypt.

However, before I immerse myself in the Washington scene, I wanted to say a quick good-bye (for now) to some of my favorite spots in New England. These towns are the ones you need to know about but probably don’t the ones you might not usually think about visiting. But if you want to get a feel for everything that is quintessential New England in a comfortable and welcoming environment, they are the places you need to visit.

Let’s start in Massachusetts with P’town. Or Provincetown as it is actually named. (http://www.provincetown.com/) Now, most of us have heard of P’town. It’s renowned for Carnivale, for the Fourth of July celebrations, for being a welcoming place all summer long. But it doesn’t close. People forget that P’town is still there and friendly during the winter months as well. Sure, some places are closed for the season but not all. And the crowds are nonexistent. Is there anything more romantic than an isolated walk along a windy beach before returning to your room to snuggle in front of the fire with your sweetie? Nope, I don’t think so either. If, however, you want to see the north shore instead of the Cape, head to Rockport. (http://www.rockportusa.com/) A fascinating blend of old and new, there are artists and shops and cafes enough to intrigue for days. It’s also only an hour outside of Boston and less than 15 minutes away from Gloucester and Manchester by the Sea in case one quaint New England village isn’t enough for the weekend.

Then there’s Rhode Island. Ah, the redheaded stepchild of New England. You’d be surprised how many of us forget Rhode Island is even there. Except for Providence of course. (http://www.edgeprovidence.com/) Providence has one of the largest, most thriving alternative communities in New England. There are great clubs, the arts, dining…you name it, it’s there.

Finally, to Connecticut. As the hometown of Yale University, New Haven combines the energy and spirit of a college town with the old-world charm of New England. (http://www.visitnewhaven.com) The community paper, The Metroline, is the easiest way to keep track of what’s going on in the local LGBT community but there are also several events throughout the year including, but so far beyond only, Pride Week. And if you are in the area on a Sunday and want to attend church – hey, I know not everybody’s Pagan like me! - drive up the road about 30 minutes to Salem Lutheran Church in Naugatuck. (14 Salem Street, Naugatuck, CT 06770) When the minister there, Pastor Christine Nessel, says she welcomes everyone into her church, she means everyone. Want to go dressed in all black? You’ll be welcome. Want to go with your same-gender partner? Or your soon-to-be-different gender partner? She will welcome you and her warmth and acceptance will be real.

So. There you have it. My last column (for a while anyway) on the interesting places in New England. Just something to think about while you are planning your 2008 vacations. Now, it’s time to start exploring the Pacific Northwest. Anybody have suggestions?

Until next time, Poppets, take care of you.

November 2007

2007-11-11T20:19:00.000-08:00

Hi Poppets! Here's a confession: the article you are currently reading is not the one I'd written for this month. That article was on the holidays. That article will have to wait. And what is the news that changed this month's column?

Albus Dumbledore, headmaster of Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry, from the Harry Potter series, is gay.

J.K. Rowling, author of the books, outed him in October. Apparently, in the script for the next movie, there was a reference to a woman from his past and Rowling couldn't let it slide. How cool is that? Seriously. No mention of is ever made of any of the intimate relationship the adults in the book may – or may not - have so no one would have known if she had let it slide. But she didn't. Instead, she slipped a note to the director explaining the situation and then went public.

So what's the big deal? He's a fictional character. Why am I so pleased? First, as a writer, I appreciate and respect Rowling standing by her character. Again, since Dumbledore's relationships are never mentioned, it wouldn't have been noticed. Except that characters become real people t those of us who write them. For her, allowing Dumbledore to be a straight man when she knew he wasn't probably would have felt like a betrayal of him. I know it would feel that way t me if he were one of my characters. It wouldn't matter if anyone else knew the truth. I would know. And in some weird writer way, my character would know I had betrayed him (most writers are notoriously eccentric people, I admit it.)

Second, if characters are written well – and Rowling's most definitely are – they become real to the readers. Millions of people, children and adults, know, love and are devoted to Dumbledore. His humor, wisdom and strength have touched and guided many. And now...he's gay, too.

Third, I'm pleased because we didn't know. And it's not because Rowling was hiding it or keeping him in the closet. It just hadn't come up. We didn't know about any of the adults' personal lives so why should we know this about him? It would have been easy for Rowling to make him The Gay Character but it would have done him a disservice. It's similar to calling James Earl Jones or Denzel Washington great black actors. Folks, those men are great actors. Period. And Dumbledore is a great character. Period.

Think I'm giving fictional characters too much credit? Think again. Mulan, Jasmine and Pocahontas were all heralded when Disney put out their respective movies because they gave non-white girls role models. Superman, Batman and Spiderman have been used to teach morals for generations. And I've read about a teacher in the mid-west who changed his teaching style in order to reflect a fictional character's teaching style – Albus Dumbledore's to be exact.

So now we have a great character. One who already touches many people. One whom many people already try to emulate. One whom parents would trust with their children and children could trust with their innocence. One who is well-respected, admired and loved – and oh yeah, he's gay, too. How cool is that? Seriously. For this, I don't mind putting off a holiday article. Not at all.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

October 2007

2007-10-10T20:17:00.000-07:00

Ah Poppets, let me tell you – it’s been an interesting month. Through a complicated series of events that you really don’t care about, my sister, brother-in-law, their three children and I are all temporarily living under the same roof. Now, aside from the obvious chaos this implies, it has also triggered an internal debate in me I wasn’t expecting. See, the kids are 14, 5 and 3. And I am…me.

Now, being me isn’t a bad thing. In fact, I think being me is pretty damn cool. It’s just not always…age appropriate, shall we say. There is a reason my nickname is Aunt Mame. At the same time, having children in my life is no new thing. I have a total of six nieces and nephews and David has a teenage son whom I enjoy very much, as well. When they are far away, the issue doesn’t arise as much. Suddenly though, I’m dealing with two teenagers and two kids under the age of six on almost a daily basis.

Those of you who have children are probably rolling your eyes at me. “Welcome to my life” you may be thinking. But this on-a-daily-basis thing is new to me. Yes, figuring out how to let them know who I am without going overboard is a small challenge. But it’s also a relatively common one.

There are certain things you tell the children in your life and there are things you don’t. None of the kids need to know that I used to work at a porn store or attend fetish fairs. What we tell the kids may change as the children get older but still the general rule applies. Hell, I’m 38 years old and I still don’t need the details of my mother’s sex life beyond recognizing that she has one.

At the same time, all the kids already know our friends, John and Dale, and that they are a couple, just like Mommy and Daddy. I’m hoping the kids will meet my friend Christian. And my friend Crystal. And I will explain they are the same person. Luckily, my sister and brother-in-law aren’t as mainstream as they appear on the outside so it’s all good.

No, none of this is the real challenge. The real challenge is finding the balance between how we – my sister, brother-in-law, David and I – want the world to be and how it really is. Because in spite of our best efforts, the teenagers have still come home from school using the phrase “that’s so gay” as a derogatory statement. Because although the five-year old boy really likes my heels and the sandals his sister wears, we still have to explain to him that, generally, those kinds of shoes are designed for girls, not boys. Because while whoever he grows up to be is okay with us, if this penchant for high heels continues, he’s in for a rough ride. I know it. You know it. And, eventually, he may know it as well. But the rough ride shouldn’t start at home.

So, Aunt Mame wears black and has tattoos. John and Dale love each other very much. Christian and Crystal are the same person. And “that’s so gay” is indeed offensive. The rest will come as it comes and will be taught as it needs to be taught. I – and the other adults in their lives – will find the balance. And if necessary, Crystal has great taste in shoes.

Until next month, Poppets, keep your fingers crossed for me in this new situation, and take care of you.

September 2007

2007-09-09T20:15:00.000-07:00

Ah, Poppets, the New England Fetish Flea Market. What a delightful day. As I have mentioned previously, New England in general and Boston specifically are very proper places full of very proper people. And then there’s us.

Twice yearly, the New England Leather Alliance (NELA) hosts the Fetish Flea Market. On those few days, in our little corner of the world, we become the norm. It’s quite a sight: people in skimpy – albeit street legal – PVC, leather and latex riding the subway; grown men and women being led by collars; handcuffs and stiletto heels replacing tennis bracelets and Bass loafers. It’s such a sight that the NELA has to find a new venue every year or two. Afterall, we’re very proper here.

Now, because I am considered a safe place among friends, am known for being nonjudgmental and am exceedingly comfortable with my own sexuality, I tend to be the person who gets asked those questions, the ones we can’t ask anyone else, the dark ones we barely admit to ourselves. It happens year-round but tends to pick up around the times of the Flea. I will mention I am going and within an hour or a day, I am pulled aside for a private, whispered conversation.

“How can someone be a strong individual and a sub?” “How can someone be a gentle human being and a dom/me?” “Is it truly consensual?” “How much does it hurt?” “Does it have to hurt?”

What I’ve learned is these are the questions that get asked but then there is the real question behind the questions: “Is it okay for me to be curious about this or does it mean there’s something wrong with me?” I answer the direct questions but while doing so, I try to answer the question behind the questions as well. And that answer is “You’re just fine.” Because we are. Safe, sane consensual sex is not a moral issue. It’s similar to debating the morality of having brown hair or double-jointed thumbs. We are all sexual beings and that’s okay. Look around any fetish flea market, club or group and you will find very ordinary people. Doctors, teachers, writers, pilots, construction workers, homemakers…you get the idea.
I’ve always thought that if this country had been founded by Pagans looking for religious freedom rather than Puritans doing the same, we would all be a hell of a lot happier. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case so many of us are left hiding our spreader bars, clearing the cookies from our home computers, ashamed to walk into the club, discarding our copies of The Betty Pages in anonymous dumpsters once we’ve read them. In other words, we are left asking the question behind the questions.

Society teaches us there is something wrong with us. I don’t care what society teaches us. “Society” is made up of the same people who are sneaking, hiding, afraid and ashamed. My question is Why are we bothering? Why are we sneaking, hiding, afraid and ashamed? Why must the NELA find a new venue every year or two? Why can’t we just be who we are and let others be who they are? Those are my questions.

My hope for you is that you only have one question. “Am I playing in a way that is safe, sane and consensual?” If the answer is yes, then, Poppets, enjoy! And I’ll see you at the winter Fetish Flea Market.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

August 2007

2007-08-08T20:04:00.000-07:00

Hi Poppets! So Bellingham had its first ever Pride Parade on the fifteenth of July. God, I wish I could’ve been there. Since I wasn’t able to make it, I’m counting on someone telling me all about it. Hint, hint…

A friend in Tampa, Florida tells me their parade drew over 40,000 people this year, in spite of 90+ degree temperatures and high humidity. My sources from Montreal, Canada are actually saying that the Parade has been so successful for so long, it has almost become obsolete, wearing out its reason for existing and its welcome, even within the GLBT community. And here in Boston, we have Pride Week, which culminates in the Parade and block parties. The Parade runs right through the center of town. Two main streets are closed down all afternoon – one for the men’s block party; one for the women’s. It’s a city-wide event.

The day of the Parade, a friend of mine and I went to a matinee then wandered through the block party. Yes, this friend is a lesbian. And yes, she is a very butch lesbian. I rarely think about it. However, that day, at the theatre, our ushers and neighbors in the rows around us kept telling us what a lovely couple we were, how they hoped we were enjoying our day, had we gone to the Parade? Only one man just stared and his stare was more puzzled than anything else, not hateful at all. (My friend has a theory that he was trying to figure out if she was a man or a woman. Apparently, this happens to her occasionally.)

As she and I wandered the block party later, she commented “It is very up-in-your-face, isn’t it? We haven’t learned to celebrate without being pushy.” To which I replied, “It still has to be. We haven’t learned to let you celebrate without being pushy.”

Because for every Boston and Montreal, there is a Lynchburg, Virginia – the hometown of the late Jerry Falwell and yes, yours truly. Lynchburg had its first ever Parade about five years ago. The protestors outnumbered the participants. And I cannot find any mention of a 2007 Parade anywhere. The protestors may have won.

And in Tampa, where they drew over 40,000 people, four men also drove in from Georgia – a completely different state, for God’s sake – in order to hold up signs that read “God Hates Fags” and other pearls of wisdom. Three of them were in their fifties and sixties but one of them was only twenty-six. My immediate reaction when I heard about him was “Dear God, they got him while he was still young.”

So I am torn. On the one hand, I am thrilled that there are places like Montreal and Boston, and yes, even Tampa where only four of the 40,000 people in attendance were protestors. On the other hand, I want to say “We don’t dare become complacent. We don’t dare take this for granted.”

Because Bellingham is just getting started. Because Lynchburg is struggling. Because men from Georgia are still willing to cross state lines in order to spread hate. Because these are only the ones I know about and yet I know there must be others.

The community has come so far. That is reason to be Proud. But until every Parade is considered with nonchalance, until the celebrating doesn’t have to be up-in-your-face, we must not give up on Pride. Anywhere.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.

July 2007

2007-07-07T20:00:00.000-07:00

A Bostonian Comes to Bellingham

Hi Poppets! My name is Bridget and somehow or other, I managed to luck into being your newest columnist for The Betty Pages! So who am I and why the hell are you reading my words? It all happened when I fell in love at Rumors Cabaret…

I admit it; I am not what you might call mainstream. My hair is streaked, my tatts often show and my fashion style is completely my own. But more than how I look, it’s how I think that makes me other than mainstream. If you are reading The Betty Pages, you understand exactly what I mean.

I am also from Boston, which makes being other than mainstream a little interesting. See, Boston is a very mainstream city. Don’t get me wrong. I adore Boston. Great town, great people, great coffee shops. The underground/alternative communities are small but thriving. And it is an amazingly accepting place for a city so mainstream. But for all its accepting nature, it is mainstream. No one in Boston quite understands me. I don’t quite fit – even with the alternative communities there. Instead, people smile, shake their heads saying “there goes Bridget, doing her thing” and accept me for who I am, even though they don’t understand me.

One of the many things people don’t understand about me is my relationship with my partner, David. David is not straight. Until he met me, he identified as gay. Personally, I think he is and I’m the exception. He’s a little more confused now and is wondering if he is perhaps bi. David, bless him, likes things to be very neat and organized and I have made his world delightfully messy and disorganized. But I’m digressing. I do that…. Anyway, since it’s not my place to self-identify someone else, we’ll just say he’s not straight because the point is we are far from your average male-female relationship, whatever labels you put on us. Add this fabulous twist to me and there aren’t many places we can go without raising an eyebrow or two.

So imagine my surprise one Wednesday night in June when I walked into Rumors. I was in Washington, visiting David and the conversation went something like this:

Me: Take me somewhere interesting.

Him: I live in Sedro-Woolley.

Me: There must be somewhere.

Him: I’ll take you to Bellingham.

And the strangest thing happened. We were understood. Sure, we were accepted but I’m used to that. There at Rumors, though, no one raised an eyebrow or asked a single question as we were simply who we are. No one knew us well enough to accept us because it was Bridget and she’s crazy like that. It was simple understanding. I got to be as not mainstream as I am without once feeling like a sideshow. David got to be as free in public as he gets to be in private when it’s just us. And when we both kissed the same beautiful man goodnight, no one even noticed (well, I hope he did but I’m digressing again.)

I’m in love with Boston. It’s my home and I carry it with me in my heart wherever I go. That night, I fell in love with Bellingham, too. Luckily for me, my heart is big enough to carry Bellingham with me as well. Wherever I go.

So that’s why I am now writing for The Betty Pages. Hopefully, you and I will get to know each other better and discover we like each other. I think we’ve already got the understanding part down.

Until next month, Poppets, take care of you.